The Myth Of The Anal Probe

by David Larson

  “They fight because one side says the other side is worshiping all wrong,” Mike held up his hand again to cut off a question. “Don’t try to understand it. It’s just as crazy as it sounds. Of course, they each could give praise and live life however they wanted, right alongside each other if they wanted to. There is nothing stopping them from that. I guess when it comes right down to it, it all boils down to the fact that this is just not how the human mind works. It never has made sense, and it never will. People will continue to kill each other and distrust each other over something no one has ever seen, felt, or talked to. Over something that only has a physical presence in what other humans have written about. It doesn’t make sense and I can’t make it make any. I’m sorry.”

  “Let’s move on to something you said earlier,” Tawny said as she glanced down at here notes. “You were talking about laws and governing. Could you explain some of that to me? I don’t think we actually have anything here that compares to that type of system.”

  “I’ll try,” Mike said. “On Earth all society has rules that the people are expected to live by.”

  “Rules?” Tawny asked. “Rules that people wouldn’t know the answers to in the first place?”

  “No,” Mike said “the majority of these rules are pretty simple. They cover things that people know better than in the first place. Actually, a number of religions believe that these rules were given to us by God a long time ago.”

  “By given do you mean that they were instilled on your conscious mind by the creator.”

  “Ah, no,” Mike said as he shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “I mean actually given. As in God came down to Earth and actually told one of the leaders what laws they should be living by.”

  “Came down?” Tawny said, “From where?”

  “Heaven,” Mike said as he sighed. “Honestly there is no way I can explain heaven. It would be like describing red to a blind person.

  “Anyway,” Mike went on “some laws are pretty basic as I said. Don’t kill each other, don’t steal from each other, things like that.”

  “So there are laws telling people that it’s bad to kill another person?” Twany said.

  “Well yes,” Mike said. “But it’s not like people wouldn’t know killing was a bad thing. But if there were no immediate consequences for doing something like that, people would be killing other people all the time and justifying it with a good reason that person needed to die.”

  “What kind of consequences?”

  “Sometimes it’s prison, and sometimes it’s the death penalty,” Mike said.

  “Let’s break that down, because I know that no one in the audience gets either concept,”

  “OK, Prison is a place where people are taken that break the law. In a prison that person will be locked in a cell…”

  Tawny interrupted him. “Could you explain a cell?”

  “Yeah,” Mike said. “A cell is like a cage.”

  “And how many days do you keep a person in this cage?” She asked.

  “Well,” Mike said, “In the cases of the worst crimes they can spend the rest of their life in there.”

  “The rest of their lives?” Tawny asked.

  “Yes,” Mike said, “but that’s usually preferable to the other option.”

  “How bad could the other option be?” She asked.

  “The other option is death. So pretty bad.”

  “You mean you actually kill people for breaking the law?”

  “Usually only in a case where a person murders someone else.”

  “So, if say I was to murder you, the government would murder me?”

  “Yes,” Mike said, “and before you say it. No, it doesn’t make any sense. Murder is morally wrong and against the law. Unless that murder is enacted by the government on a person that murdered someone else, or if that murder was committed by a soldier employed by the government specifically to kill other people. But only when that soldier kills the people that the government specifically tells them to kill. If that solder kills people that the government didn’t tell him to kill or kills them in a way that the government didn’t approve of, then that solder could be murdered by the government or put in a cage for the rest of their life.”

  Tawny was just looking at him again.

  “Really?” She said and was instantly upset with herself for devolving into general conversation in an interview.

  “I’m afraid so,” Mike said.

  Tawny shook her head.

  “How does the government murder law breakers?” She asked.

  “It varies from place to place,” Mike said. “In some countries they hang or electrocute the person. Sometimes they inject them with chemicals that kill them pretty instantly. In other countries they cut the persons head off in public, and sometimes they kill them by throwing rocks at them.”

  “You made that last one up,” she said, “didn’t you?”

  “I’m afraid not.”

  “They tie someone to a post or something and hit them with rocks until they’re dead?” She asked

  Mike just nodded again.

  “But really when it comes down to it,” Mike said “it really doesn’t matter if you get hung, stoned, shot, poisoned, electrocuted, or beheaded, you’re still just as dead.”

  “Yes you are,” she said quietly.

  “Anyway,” Mike continued, “there are thousands of other laws that don’t carry that kind of weight. Some are punishable by a simple fine, and some can carry a sentence of 5, 10, 15, 20, or 30 years in prison.

  “There are laws against theft, as I said. And laws against driving too fast, or building a building in a way that the government doesn’t approve of. There are laws in some places restricting who you can and who you can’t marry.”

  “Just a minute,” Tawny said holding up a hand. “Could you explain marriage and the laws that govern that?”

  Sure,” Mike said. He was thinking this should be an easy one. “Marriage is when two people fall in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together. So they go to the government and get a license…”

  “Why would the government get involved in this,” she asked “and why would you need a license?”

  “You need a license to prove that you’re married,” Mike answered.

  “Prove to who?” she asked.

  “To the government,” Mike said.

  “Why does the government care?” She asked.

  “For tax reasons, and in case these people want to separate, and of course as I said there are restrictions on who can marry who.”

  “Let’s take that one at a time,” Tawny said. “The first thing you said was ‘in case they want to separate.’ Why would the government care if a couple that was married would want to separate?”

  “Well,” Mike said “there would need to be a dividing up of property, and the kids would need to be taken care of, and a list of rules would have to be worked up on how the two people would govern any interactions they might have in the future.”

  “You mean that the two people that had children wouldn’t simply know that these children still needed to be cared for and act accordingly?”

  “Not really,” Mike said.

  “I think that I should explain to the audience here that when people on Earth have children they usually stay with that couple, living in their home for 18 to 25 years before going out on their own. Isn’t that right Mike?”

  “Uh…yeah,” Mike said. “How the hell do they work that here?” he wondered.

  “You said not everyone can marry. Can you explain that?”

  “I think so,” Mike said. “In my country for example it is not legal for people of the same sex to marry. There are also laws against adults marrying children, and people marrying immediate family.”

  “In the case of marrying immediate family,” Tawny said, “why would there be a law against that?”

  “Because there may be birth defects in the children,” Mike said matter-of-factly.

  “
Why would people that know they have a high risk of birthing a child with a birth defect have children in the first place? Isn’t that irresponsible? I mean these people could have a meaningful relationship if they wanted to without having children, couldn’t they?”

  “Of course, they could,” Mike said, “but chances are that they would anyway.”

  “So then there must be laws against having sexual relations with a close family member then.”

  “You’d think so wouldn’t you? But no.”

  “Tell me about people of the same sex being married,” Tawny said “why would that be against the law? It certainly isn’t because they would have children with issues, or children at all”

  “No, it wouldn’t,” He said. “Same sex couples in my country can’t get married because the Bible, that’s the holy book that is considered to be the word of God, says it’s wrong.”

  “So your country is governed by a book that was written thousands of years ago in a land that had nothing to do with your country, and was written by an unseen spirit.”

  “No,” Mike said. “In fact we have laws forbidding a connection between religion and government.”

  “But his law comes directly from the Bible…right?”

  “Yes, it does,” Mike said. “And there is no other basis for it, other than the fact that the church has always been against same sex marriage. No one’s life changes when people of the same sex get married, no one is hurt by it, and no one loses anything when these people marry. It simply is frowned on by the church, consequently there is a law against it.”

  “But the church isn’t allowed to make laws.”

  “Correct.”

  “And there is a law stating that.”

  “Correct.”

  “But this law is simply in existence for moral reasons that stem directly from the teachings of the church.”

  “Correct again.”

  “Let’s move on,” Tawny said as she looked down at her pad.

  “Please do.”

  “Let’s stick with laws for a little bit,” Tawny said.

  “OK.”

  “Is there any aspect of life on Earth that is not covered by a series of laws?” Tawny asked.

  “Remember that I only know of what happens in my country,” Mike said. “I have no idea what other countries do as far as their rules and laws are concerned. I will say that I assume they have the same basic laws that we have, but I’m not sure about others.

  “And as far as your question is concerned, the answer is no, there is no aspect of life that is not covered by laws. We have an entire job description on Earth that does nothing but interpret laws, defend people that break laws, and prosecute people that break those laws.”

  “I’m afraid that I don’t understand,” Tawny said. “If you have a law that everyone has agrees needs to exist, then why would anyone break that law. You’ve certainly made it easy to know right from wrong. All you have to do is read the law book. Why would anyone break those laws?”

  “Sometimes,” Mike said “people don’t know that they’ve broken a law until they have done it. Usually those are simple laws. Like having a license for you dog’ or cutting down a tree without a permit.”

  “You have laws covering those types of things?”

  “I’m afraid so. In those cases you usually just have to pay a fine. But people break laws all the time because they think they might be able to get away with it.”

  “Do you mean to tell me,” Tawny said “that people on your planet not only know the difference between right and wrong, they have a book telling them what is right and wrong and they still do the wrong thing because they think no one will find out?”

  “Yeah,” Mike said, “that about sums it up. Sometimes if a human has to decide what to do in a situation that is not covered by a law, for example saying something that might hurt someone, or not helping someone that is in distress in public, they will do whatever is either easiest, or more beneficial for them because there are no immediate personal consequences.”

  “That,” Tawny said as she looked deep into Mikes eyes “has to be an extremely horrible way to live.”

  “It really is the only thing we know,” Mike said. “Everyone on Earth complains about human nature. Everyone talks about how they want things to be different. But no one is ready to be the one to change the way they live. Everyone knows that if they live life the way that they know they should, it would make them vulnerable. It’s sad, but true.”

  “You said earlier that people on Earth get married; and some of them apparently stay together for life. I got the impression that they amass property in some way that would need to be legally divided in the event that they were to separate.”

  “Yes,” Mike said “that’s true.”

  “How would they amass that property?” Tawny asked.

  “Well,” Mike said, “they might buy a house or a car. Of course there would have to be a sharing of the financial assets.”

  “When you say buy a house,” Tawny asked as she wrote a note on her pad. “How do you mean that?”

  “Well,” Mike said, just a little confused “they would look for a house they both liked, and could afford, and, uh, buy it.”

  “When you buy something,” Tawny asked, “is it yours then, and no one else’s?”

  “Of course it is,” Mike said.

  “What do you use to buy property?”

  “Money,” Mike said, not sure where this was going.

  “Could you explain the concept of money to us?” Tawny asked.

  “First let me ask you a question. Don’t you have a form of compensation for anything?” Mike asked.

  “Everyone here works for the betterment of our society,” Tawny said. “We don’t have to be given anything to accomplish a job. Everyone knows what needs to be done and does it.”

  “OK,” Mike said. “On Earth people get paid money for the work that they do. I could explain how money gets its value but I’m not sure that even I understand how that happens. Let’s just say that we all agree that a certain piece of paper is worth a monetary amount. We are given a certain amount of money for a job we do, and then we use that money to buy things we need.”

  “Does everyone receive the same amount of money for the work that they do?”

  “Well,” Mike said uncomfortably, “no. People that are president of a large corporation make quite a lot more than say someone that’s a cook in a restaurant.”

  “How much more?” Tawny asked.

  “I’ve heard that it could be as much as 200 or 300 times more.”

  “That is one of the most incredible things I’ve ever heard,” Tawny said in honest surprise. “Someone that feeds other people that actually gives something that people can’t live without, makes next to nothing compared to someone that directs a corporation?”

  “It seems kind of wrong when you put it like that I guess,” Mike said. “But people that heal others make quite a lot of money as well.”

  “Do they make more than the head of a corporation?” she asked.

  “Well no. But…”

  “So people that are facilitators for a company, people that spend all day telling others what to do make more than people that save lives?” she asked.

  “Yes,” Mike said “but that’s how the free market works. If someone wanted to make that much more money they should become a corporate CEO and not a doctor.”

  “So then anyone can become a CEO?”

  “Well, no,” Mike said. “There are only so many companies in the first place, and you kind of have to be born into that kind of lifestyle to begin with.”

  Tawny was just looking at him and taping her lower lip with her pen.

  “But there have to be thousands of healthcare workers,” she said. “Where does all of the money come from to pay these people more than a cook.”

  “Ummm,” Mike said uncomfortably, “the vast majority don’t make much more than a cook.”

  “But you just said that inc
ome is based on importance,” she said “and although you apparently put little importance on having food to eat, you clearly put quite a lot of importance on caring for the ill. How do some of these people make less than others?”

  “Doctors make more than nurses…” Mike said

  “How much more?” she asked.

  “I would guess, I don’t know,” Mike was searching the blank ceiling for a way out of this corner, “five times more.”

  “So doctors make five times more than anyone else in the health care profession?” Tawny asked.

  Well no,” Mike said.

  “But you just said…”

  “Doctors make five times more than nurses,” Mike cut her off. “Most of the rest of the health care people make less than nurses, and a number of them make almost half as much.”

  “I must admit that I don’t understand the level of importance compared to the compensation,” she said. “But let’s move on.”

  “Are there people that don’t have money?” Tawny asked.

  “Yes unfortunately, there are people that don’t make enough to sustain any kind of appreciable life.”

  “How do they exist in this system then?” Tawny asked.

  “A lot of them have to exist on programs that the government sets up to ensure that they have enough to eat from day to day,” Mike said.

  “So if you don’t work to make money, then the government gives it to you?”

  “After a fashion,” Mike said. “The government is only going to give out enough to get by. If a person can’t work or has personal hardships, they have to go through a pretty lengthy process of filing paper work to receive very little money. They also receive a form of health care.”

  “At least they have that,” she said.

  “To be fair,” Mike said “any type of ‘free’ services that people receive are not nearly of the same quality of the services that people with money receive. People with money get the best health care, the best legal assistance, and the best housing, food, etcetera.”

  “Wouldn’t it be better for everyone on the planet if everyone was healthy and well fed?” she asked.

  “There are a number of problems here,” Mike said “quite often people that don’t necessarily have issues that would keep them from working, work very hard to find ways to cheat the government out of free services. Then the rest of society uses these people as an example of why those services shouldn’t exist in the first place.”