The Myth Of The Anal Probe

by David Larson

  Overhead, bongos started to drive relentlessly. Then there was a primal scream, then another. A piano cord was struck. “Please allow me to introduce myself. I’m a man of wealth and taste…”

  “Shit,” Mike thought.

  Thirteen:

  Mike sat in the capsule car lost in his thoughts. The virtual landscape, which had been made no less breathtaking in its digital reproduction, slid by unnoticed to him. He was thinking about what lay ahead of him at the end of this tram ride.

  His thoughts had been almost singularly about Tawny since he left the interview. She was the most captivating person he had ever met. Of course, she was the kind of beautiful that almost commanded observation in awe and wide-eyed admiration. But it was deeper than just a physical attraction. Tawny was also the perfect combination of intellectually smart, deep, and playful at the same time. She had a razor-sharp wit that was always front and center. And, well-traveled? She lived in a part of the universe that was totally unknown to human science. That was pretty well-traveled. That kind of beat the hell out of being all haughty about having been to the French Riviera when all your friends simply went to Disneyland once a year.

  And she had spent quite a lot of time on Mike’s home planet. “Jesus,” Mike thought to himself. “Home planet. How long have I been here? Hardly long at all, and already I think of a home planet like it was an everyday happening. Like going out to dinner on a Friday night.”

  Combine all of these things with the fact that he could have an actual conversation with her in his natural language and not wonder if the translator was getting everything right. For all he knew he was explaining why businessmen wear ties and the translator was actually saying that he loved to have sex with tree frogs. But still, people seemed to get what he was saying. They were horrified in the right places, laughed where they should, and responded like they knew what he was saying.

  But watching Tawny’s lips. Well…that was something altogether different. He could watch those lips all day, and for that matter all night without losing interest. He was too old to think he was instantly in love. And he was young enough to realize that he was currently in lust. Love could happen he guessed. It wasn’t like he was disgusting after all. And it looked like she might be into him as well.

  Pretty much all of those questions were about to be answered.

  Mike had been sitting in his living room trying out different design patterns. First it was a gym, then a Bedouin tent, then a Balinese beach hut. Of course, he had been thinking about Tawny. Possibly thinking about her too hard.

  “Hello?” the TV said.

  Mike about fell off his wicker lounger. Tawny was on his TV looking at him.

  “Ummmmm,” Mike stumbled for words.

  “Oh,” Tawny said in recognition, “hello Mike. How are you?”

  “I’m, ah, fine,” Mike said. “I was just thinking about you.”

  “Apparently,” she said smiling “pretty hard too. You called me.”

  “Oh man,” Mike said “I guess I butt dialed you with my head.”

  A wide smile spread across Tawny’s face.

  “Is that where your head was?” she asked.

  “What?” Mike blushed, “no, I mean yes, I mean…hello.”

  “What can I do for you Mike.”

  “Only everything,” Mike thought.

  “I just wanted to tell you,” he finally said, “how much I enjoyed meeting you. And how much I enjoyed the interview.”

  “Really?” she said. “You didn’t seem like you were enjoying it at all. In fact, you looked positively devastated at times.”

  “Yeah,” He said, “I guess that part is true, but only in regard to what I was talking about. Certainly not the company I was keeping. That was one of the most pleasant things that ever happened to me.”

  He smiled a little and looked down. Kind of like a 6th grader talking to his first crush on the playground.

  “How would you like to get together sometime?” Tawny asked.

  “That would be great!” Mike answered, just a little too quickly. “When would be good for you? Are you off on the weekends?”

  “We don’t have weekends here Mike. Or the concept of a weekend. Or off for that matter. We work while there’s work to do and take off when there isn’t, or where there’s a good place to stop till the next day.”

  “Yeah,” Mike said, “I know better than that. Old habits and all that I guess.”

  “When would be good for you?” He asked.

  “Tomorrow would be great,” she said. “I’ll send you directions on what time and how to get to the park. I think you’ll like it.

  “Until then,” she said smiling that deep, warm, inviting smile.

  “Yes,” Mike said, “I can’t wait.”

  Now he was on the tram that was speeding its way toward his destiny. He had never been this nervous in his entire life. And that was saying something. After all he had been abducted by aliens and questioned on their mother ship.

  The tram whooshed to a stop in a pasture that was covered by what seemed to be genuine southern live oaks. Mike stepped out onto the spongy soft grass closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath of sweetness. A pathway led off through the live oaks and disappeared into the foliage. Butterflies the size of a quarter flitted around his head. The beating of their wings sounded like soft, melodic harp music, and they smelled like…honeysuckle. Yeah, the butterflies smelled like honeysuckle and sounded like soft harp music. It was all pretty heady stuff for the Earthman as he strode down a path that he hoped would bring him to the beautiful Tawny.

  Mike could hear music playing in the background. Local music, that never made sense but sounded beautiful. The path wound around a few moss-covered rocks that were currently serving as homes for amazingly large and beautiful ferns. Jackalopes, or whatever they were, played around the periphery of the woods. Mike came around a gentle curve in the path and suddenly there she was. Sitting on a bench under a natural wood gazebo. Her eyes were closed as she swayed back and forth to the music that appeared to be coming from just the other side of the trees. She had a look of complete and unvarnished bliss on her face and Mike could have easily surrendered to the fact that they were going to spend the rest of their lives together right on that small bench, under the beautifully crafted gazebo, while jackalopes played underneath harp playing butterflies.

  “Hey,” Mike said as he stepped lightly up to the bench.

  “Hey yourself,” Tawny said as she slowly opened her eyes.

  Watching those eyelids roll slowly up to reveal the all-encompassing beauty of her eyes was like watching a curtain rise on the most beautiful sunrise the planet had ever seen.

  “Have a seat,” she said. “I thought this would be a good place for us to talk a little.”

  “It really is amazing,” Mike said. “I’m still trying to get used to the local plant, animal, and insect life here.”

  “Is anything on this planet carnivorous,” he asked, “or does everything have an aversion to killing?”

  “Actually quite a few of the species here hunt, kill, and eat meat,” Tawny said.

  “Why haven’t I seen anything like that since I’ve been here?” he asked her as he sat on the bench.

  “They are all pretty territorial,” she said, “just like most animals on earth. We just build our homes and villages in places that don’t encroach on their habitats.”

  “If we didn’t,” she continued looking off into the distance, “we’d put ourselves, and them, in jeopardy. Eventually we’d have to do something to eradicate the problem. That would lead to an imbalance of the habitat, and we would have to do something else synthetic to fix that issue. After a while we’d just be chasing our own tails trying to control nature.”

  “I get the picture,” Mike said. “The only thing you didn’t add was ‘like you clowns do’.”

  “We aren’t big on name-calling,” she said looking back into his eyes, “but if you leave the clowns part out, then yeah.”
/>   “Who’s playing the music?” Mike asked. “Is there a concert of something going on near here?”

  “No, I imagine it’s just some other people in the park enjoying the day.”

  “I have to admit,” Mike said “I really like the music here. But the lyrics are a little, I don’t know, odd.”

  “It’s because you’re listening through your translator with your ears,” she said. “Close your eyes.”

  Mike closed his eyes and he felt Tawny gently slide one delicate finger down the side of his temple as she shut off his translator. Her touch was just as electric and exciting as he knew it would be. But, at the same time it was soft and gentle and soothing. That one stroke of her finger seemed to take all of his emotional burdens away. It seemed to him that everything was suddenly going to be just fine. It seemed like the entire universe had just come to a sudden and definite halt, so it could allow Mike the time he needed to drink in the soul cleansing touch he had just experienced.

  “Oh wow…” Mike whispered softly.

  “Shhhhh,” Tawny said. “Now listen with your essence. With your soul as you would say at home.”

  “But…” Mike started to protest about her use of the word home.

  “Shhhhhhhhhhh,” she insisted. “Feel it?”

  Mike sat there with his eyes closed and the crutch of his translator silenced. The music was just as beautiful as the first time he had heard it. But now, in the language that it had been written, it took on a magical feel. The words shifted and blended together in his mind. They played in the deepest reaches of his being and massaged his spirit. They were soft, and beautiful. He felt like he could see the color of the words as they mixed together with the sweetness of the music. He felt as though he could actually taste the beautiful essence of song rolling across his tongue. He couldn’t have described what the feeling was if a gun was held to his head, but he wanted to hold it. He wanted to hold this very microsecond of his life right where it was. To feel this for the rest of his life, no matter if he died in the next ten seconds or lived for another hundred years, what he was feeling right now.

  He wanted to hold onto this, and hold Tawny. He wanted it all, and he wanted it forever. He knew that he was acting just like a junkie that knew he was going to have to kick the drug, but had convinced himself that there was a way he could continue to have it forever. That pumping that sweet concoction into his veins really wasn’t going to hurt anybody, and everything was going to be just fine.

  And just like that junkie, the specter of reality was skulking around in his mind, reminding him that everything he was thinking, and everything he thought he was going to do, was all bullshit. Eventually reality was going to smack him right in the face. But he was certain, just like a junkie is, that if he did everything just right, he would be able to hold on to everything he wanted. To hold onto everything he needed and lived for.

  Mike opened his eyes and looked at Tawny. She was smiling back at him.

  “Oh man,” Mike whispered breathlessly.

  “Right?” Tawny said.

  “That was amazing,” Mike said “no, it was more than that. It was…”

  “Yeah,” she said. “I know. We all know.”

  Mike only knew one thing. He was in love for the very first time in his life. There was absolutely no question in his mind. The woman that he was going to spend the rest of his life with was sitting right in front of him.

  “They have nothing like that on earth,” Mike said. “Some people think they do…but they don’t.”

  “I know,” Tawny said. “Out of everything I do know from there, that’s the one thing that I’ve never been able to understand. Everything is a conflict. Movies and books are all about conflict. No matter if it’s a book about a battle in history, or about a love between two people, or even if it’s a comedy. It’s all conflict.”

  “Not disco,” Mike offered, smiling.

  “You’re right about that one,” Tawny said “Boogie nights, dancing queen, funky town. That was all about dancing and having a great time.”

  “You know,” she continued, “we all thought that when you went through that phase, things might actually start turning around.”

  She shrugged, “I guess we were wrong about that one. But you certainly got some great music from that time.”

  “Did you actually spend time on earth?” Mike asked.

  “Sure,” she said “Some of us, like Bob, were just greeters on the ship when we brought aboard subjects. But some of us were specially trained to actually spend time on the surface so we could personally observe how people interacted with each other. Of course, we also gathered news and entertainment media so we could study it on the ship and at home.”

  “You mean that right now there’s people from here walking around with the people of earth?” Mike asked amazed.

  “Possibly, it’s the only real way we can understand what’s happening there. Of course, it’s pretty dangerous, and there have been incidents. But it’s what needs to be done with the responsibility we have.”

  “Incidents like what?” Mike asked.

  “Some people have been killed or injured pretty bad,” Tawny said looking away. “It’s hard to live around people that never really allow what they really think or feel come to the surface in front of others when you have no frame of reference for that.”

  Instantly a deep anger rose inside of Mike. He felt it rise up out of the depths of his consciousness like a medieval dragon rising from a fiery pit of unpunished wrongs, spreading its huge leathery wings of hate, nostrils flaring in indignance, and eyes on fire gleaming full of a yearning for retribution. Flames of self-righteous indignation spewed forth from a mouth that glistened with gleaming white, spike like teethe. He hated the ignorant earthlings for murdering the gentle people of Aragon. Someone was going to have to pay for that. Every single inhabitant of that blue shithole was lucky that he would never be back, because the vengeance he would deal out in the name of slain Avalon brethren would be swift and terrible.

  “That’s terrible,” Mike said. “I don’t understand why you ever go back. Hell, I can’t even understand why you don’t obliterate the entire place.”

  “I think you can understand that last part,” she said.

  “Yeah I do…but still…”

  “The situation on Earth is entirely of our own making Mike,” Tawny said, “so it’s only right that we try to fix it. We have an obligation that can’t be ignored. You don’t kill a snake for acting like a snake.”

  “I get that,” Mike said. “It just seems so futile.”

  “Maybe it is. But that doesn’t alleviate our responsibility.”

  “By the way,” Mike said, “what is the literal translation of the name of this place?”

  “Oh,” she said, “It’s Hale.”

  The way she pronounced it, it sounded like Ha-lay.

  “Of course, it is,” Mike said.

  He smiled, tilted his head back and rubbed his face. He felt if he rubbed hard enough he could wear off the humiliating filth of earth. He relaxed in the realization that he was finally home and had found perfection in the woman that was sitting beside him now.

  “Wow,” said Tawny. “That was deep.”

  “What’s that?” Mike said.

  “That look you just had on your face,”

  “I’m just tired and deeply satisfied all at the same time,” he said. “I’ve never felt anything like this before. I’d like to say it’s so refreshing. But really, it’s deeper than that.”

  “There really is nothing keeping you from having this at home Mike,” She said softly.

  “I know,” Mike said. “Just like I know that humanity will do everything it can to insure nothing like this ever happens on that planet. Then they write songs and books about how nice it would be if we could all just get along.”

  “I’m sure you can at least start to fix that,” she said as she put her hand on Mikes leg.

  “I get the impression,” Mike said changin
g the subject, “that relationships here are different than they are on Earth.”

  “Yes, they are,” Tawny said, “quite a bit different. Historically people on Earth have had quite a broad idea of how relationships were supposed to work. The biggest problem that there’s been with relationships, is that people try to all agree on what’s an acceptable way for people to act who care about each other.”

  “And you think there isn’t a single acceptable way?” Mike asked.

  “Of course not,” Tawny laughed.

  That laugh was what Mike imagined it sounded like when the gates of heaven opened to allow your soul to enter and spend the rest of eternity in bliss.

  “There isn’t one acceptable way,” Tawny said “to use a fork, or eat peas, or tell a joke. Or to make love.”

  She stopped and shot a glance at Mike that made him sure being slammed into by a runaway train would have felt like a pillow fight in comparison. He looked away embarrassed.

  She smiled.

  “There are as many acceptable ways of doing things as there are people. The only thing that stands in the way of something being acceptable is the chance that what you’re doing will hurt another person.”

  “But in the case of relationships,” Mike said, “what happens if a person loves another one, but the one they love either doesn’t feel the same way, or falls out of love with them?”

  “The issue that humans have with this concept on Earth,” Tawny said “is that if you’re in a relationship with someone, then you feel as though you own a part of them.”

  “I don’t think that’s always a fair statement,” Mike said. “People fall in and out of love all the time and no one feels slighted because they think they’ve lost what was theirs.”

  “Don’t they?”

  “No, I don’t think they do.”

  “The phrases are all pretty much the same,” She said. “My man, my woman, my family, my kids, my house, my car, and so on. Let’s say you love someone on Earth and that person loves you as well. Then you find out they were also in love with another person. How would you feel about that?”