But I must also confess that I was also frightened by your perspicacity, your uncanny ability to reach into my soul to reveal truths about me that I had never myself revealed. At times you seemed to know myself even better than I did and I confess that I was as put off as I was intrigued by your discernment. But I found much more to love than to fear. Perhaps it was this incendiary combination that made you so irresistible and reduced me to becoming, as my cousin Fitzwilliam, put it, "a lovesick fool."
I am a lovesick fool, dearest Elizabeth, and I will ever be thus. Although I have lost all hope of winning your love, I can do naught else but love you until the day I die.
Elizabeth was too teary-eyed to read the closing. She hugged the letter to her heart and, comforted by the knowledge that he still loved her, soon fell sound asleep.
• • •
Olivia returned to town two days later, just as she promised her father she would. She had done her best to convince Elizabeth to join her, but Elizabeth declined, claiming that the quietude and serenity of Hertfordshire was far more conducive to recovering from a broken heart than London. That Elizabeth feared the possibility of encountering Mr. Darcy in town, she kept to herself. Olivia was reluctantly forced to leave her friend behind, and thought about Elizabeth all the way back to town. As her carriage drew to a stop, she spied Colonel Fitzwilliam coming down the steps of the Crenshaw townhouse. The Colonel opened the carriage door and handed out the greatly surprised and delighted Olivia.
"Why Colonel Fitzwilliam! This is a most unexpected pleasure. Have you been visiting with my father, or have you been posted here as a sentry?" she asked with her most beguiling smile. The Colonel looked down at his uniform and frowned.
"Madam," he said, in a condescending tone, "Colonels do not stand sentry!" Olivia could not suppress her laughter and the Colonel could not maintain a straight face for very long.
"Forgive me, Colonel! Would you care to remain here and debate military protocol or can I persuade you to return with me into the house?" The Colonel needed no persuasion. He offered Miss Crenshaw his arm and escorted her into the parlor.
Olivia's father received her warmly and she delivered greetings from all of his friends in Hertfordshire. After a very few minutes, Mr. Crenshaw excused himself and retired to his study. Olivia looked after her father suspiciously. It was unlike her father to leave her alone with a visitor and especially, as in this case, with a young man. She looked at Colonel Fitzwilliam and wondered what exactly had occasioned his visit to Olivia's father. She tried not to jump to the obvious conclusion, and asked with just a hint of nervousness in her voice if the Colonel would care for tea.
"Thank you, no. I had tea with your father a short while ago, and besides I cannot stay for very long." The Colonel sat beside Olivia on the settee and her heart began to flutter wildly. The Colonel smiled at her and said, "I understand you were lately in Hertfordshire." Olivia nodded. The Colonel moved a wee bit closer to her. "Excellent. I would like to speak to you about Elizabeth Bennet." Olivia didn't quite understand.
"Lizzy? Wh...what about her?" she said, perplexed by his line of questioning.
"I would like to know if she is as in love with my cousin Darcy as he is with her." Olivia stared at the Colonel for a second, then looked away and bit back her disappointment. She berated herself for expecting a proposal from the Colonel. After all, it had been nearly three months since she had seen him and it was highly unlikely that he would seek permission to ask for her hand while she was out of town. She tried to focus on the Colonel's question and put all other thoughts out of her mind. But she found it difficult to do so. She wished--but wishes would not do.
"I am not sure I can answer that question, Colonel," she said reluctantly.
"Surely, Miss Bennet confided in you..."
"Yes, she did. But I cannot betray a confidence," Olivia declared. The Colonel was a bit taken back by Miss Crenshaw's reluctance. After all, it was she who had inspired the plot he had been hatching since he left his cousin Darcy in Derbyshire.
"Miss Crenshaw," he said rising and walking to the window. He always thought more clearly when Miss Crenshaw was not quite so close. "Three months ago you were determined to bring Miss Bennet and Darcy together. Are you going to tell me now that you have changed your mind?"
"Much has happened since we last spoke, Colonel Fitzwilliam," Olivia said quietly.
"You are aware, then, that Darcy proposed to Miss Bennet and was rejected."
"Yes," Olivia said, unable to meet the Colonel's eyes. Her own sense of disappointment mingled with memories of that afternoon when Elizabeth had cried in her arms. The Colonel looked out of the window at a passing carriage, unaware of the turbulence of Olivia's thoughts.
"I have spent the last week in Darcy's company. He confessed that he made a terrible blunder in proposing to Miss Bennet in the manner that he did--" The Colonel paused briefly, as memories of Mr. Darcy's anguished confession flashed through his mind. "He regrets it terribly and has no hope of ever being able to undo the damage he has caused Miss Bennet." The Colonel turned to face Olivia, but she kept her face averted from him. "I came here today, on his behalf, to try and find out if there is any chance that this sad state of affairs can somehow be put right and that there can be a happy ending to all this." Olivia glanced at the Colonel then, and quickly turned away. She could not trust herself to look into his eyes. She rose and wandered about the room, trying to focus on her dear Lizzy. She wanted to act as Elizabeth would wish her to under the circumstances. But she could not completely swallow her bitterness, and replied a bit harshly.
"Did Mr. Darcy send you, then? For I recall that you refused once before to intervene where that man was concerned." Colonel Fitzwilliam ran a hand through his hair, and was forced to confess that he had changed his mind.
"When last we spoke on this matter, Miss Crenshaw, I was not convinced--as you were--that there was anything serious between my cousin and Miss Bennet." The Colonel began to pace in front of the window. "I knew that he admired her, as any man might admire an attractive and charming woman. It was not until we left London that I became convinced that Darcy was truly in love. I had an opportunity to see them together in Kent. I now agree with you that Darcy loves Elizabeth Bennet and that she has feelings for him, although she seemed unwilling to admit them at the time. I need to know that she--." The Colonel stopped in his tracks, for he noticed that tears were running down Olivia's cheeks. Colonel Fitzwilliam immediately went to her side.
"Miss Crenshaw, what is wrong?" He gently took hold of her arms and looked into her eyes, silently pleading, but Olivia did not speak. The Colonel led her back to the settee and sat her down. Olivia sighed heavily and finally began to speak, but her message reflected a combination of anguish over Elizabeth's plight and her own frustration and anger at Colonel Fitzwilliam.
"What Mr. Darcy did to Lizzy was unconscionable! How can he claim to love her and do such things as he did to her sister? And now he would wish to make things right! The arrogance of men, believing that they can do one thing one day and have a change of heart the next. Three months ago I begged for your assistance and you refused to give it--on principle, you said. You come to me today and ask me to betray a friend's confidence because you now deem them worthy of aid. Now that you see things clearly you suddenly have no scruples about interfering in the lives of your dearest relations, and yet three months ago, I was silly and manipulative to consider trying to make two deserving people happy. But now that you have had a change of heart..." The Colonel squinted at Miss Crenshaw, trying to untangle her message, which came out in a rush, punctuated by sobs. She looked up at him and he smiled. She glowered.
"Miss Crenshaw," the Colonel said, "I am guilty on all counts--at least I think I am," he said with a frown, "Save one. I have had no change of heart where you are concerned." Olivia looked into his eyes then, and held her breath. "But I am afraid we will have to discuss that at another time. I am overdue back at my office and the general will have
my head if I do not return to our encampment immediately."
But he made no move to leave. The Colonel drew his handkerchief from his pocket, and as he had done once before, he gently and carefully wiped away Olivia's tears. He put away the handkerchief, kissed Olivia on the mouth ever so gently, and disappeared before her heart dared to beat again. Olivia did not move for a brief eternity. Then gathering herself, she ran upstairs to her room and enthusiastically wrote a letter to Elizabeth, renewing her invitation to London.
• • •
Colonel Fitzwilliam was indeed late in returning to his office and, as such, the vindictive general saddled him with the worst assignment he could think of. The Colonel therefore spent the better part of the next two weeks doing an inspection tour of every encampment along the southern coast of England.
He did manage to get word of his fate to Olivia by way of her younger brother Edward, who was smart enough to appreciate his sister's good fortune at having secured the affections of the good colonel and his own good fortune at the prospect of being connected with someone so ideally situated to further his own career. Edward plied his sister for details of her engagement, but Olivia insisted that there was none. Mr. Crenshaw remained mute on the topic, and with a twinkle in his eye endured the efforts of his progeny to ferret out what had transpired between himself and Colonel Fitzwilliam. After a day or two of investigation, all they could learn from the more talkative servants was that the Colonel had spent an hour behind closed doors with the master, and that he had come out of the room smiling.
"Well, that tells us nothing," Edward complained. "Why, Colonel Fitzwilliam has been known to smile while..." Edward declared before reconsidering what he might have revealed to his sister. Olivia, however, was not at all put out by the unsettled state of things. She knew that she and the Colonel had reached an understanding, and that was sufficient to carry her through the interval between his departure and his return.
• • •
It was a beautiful clear late June morning when Mr. Darcy arrived at Netherfield. He had spent another week at Pemberley putting his affairs in order, and he had also spent a week at the home of Colonel Fitzwilliam's parents, the Earl of Matlock and his lady, where he visited with his sister Georgiana, who was spending her summer there. When he stepped from his carriage all the memories of the past autumn came flooding back and with them the knowledge that Elizabeth was near, very near to him once more.
Mr. Bingley and his sister Caroline greeted Mr. Darcy and saw to it that he was properly settled. When Mr. Darcy came downstairs, a servant informed him that Mr. Bingley was in the parlor with his fiancée and her sister. Mr. Darcy panicked momentarily. He had not expected his reunion to come so soon, but no sooner did he enter the room than he realized that the sister in question was not his Elizabeth, but Catherine. She greeted Mr. Darcy with an air of formality that fairly proclaimed her dislike of him. He was slightly taken aback by her aloofness, but he was more concerned about how Jane Bennet might receive him. Mr. Darcy had given considerable thought to how she might react upon meeting him again. Undoubtedly, Elizabeth had told Jane all about Mr. Darcy's interference and he had decided that if Jane Bennet had any misgivings or objections to his presence in the wedding party, he would withdraw. He had cost Jane and his friend a great deal of pain and would trouble them no more. To his surprise, however, Jane greeted Mr. Darcy like an old friend, leaving Mr. Darcy to conclude that Elizabeth had not spoken of his interference as he had assumed. At first he could not believe it, but he gradually accepted that Elizabeth had decided not to pain her sister or Mr. Bingley with what was now to be relegated to the past.
"You are most welcome back to Hertfordshire, Mr. Darcy. It is a very long time since your last visit," Jane said with a sincere and unaffected smile that embarrassed Mr. Darcy. Even if Elizabeth had spared Jane the details of his involvement in Jane and Mr. Bingley's travails, he could not forget the injuries he had done to her and Bingley, and he could not imagine that Jane was unaware of Mr. Darcy's own involvement with Elizabeth. But he made an effort to respond in kind and soon felt more at ease.
Miss Bingley exploited her earliest opportunity to ingratiate herself with Mr. Darcy. She had been observing him closely since his arrival, and sensing his discomfort, ascribed it to his distaste for Hertfordshire and in particular, Jane Bennet.
"I do wish," she said conspiratorially, "That you would say something to Charles. He is determined to throw himself away on this nobody of a girl. There is still time--." Mr. Darcy withdrew his arm, which she had wrapped herself around, and turned to confront Miss Bingley.
"And why should I wish to do that, Miss Bingley? My feelings about Bingley's marriage are the same as they were last month in London."
"You do not mean to say you really approve of this match? I thought you only said that to placate him! Oh, do reconsider, Mr. Darcy. I am quite desperate for your assistance." She gripped his arm as she entreated him, and Mr. Darcy became quite disgusted. Barely restraining his temper, he wrested his arm away once more.
"Miss Bingley! I have made my feelings on this matter quite clear and I will brook no further interference in Bingley and Miss Bennet's affairs!" His tone was menacing. "Have I made myself perfectly clear?" Miss Bingley blanched and stepped back. Mr. Darcy stormed out of the house. He strolled the grounds for some time, until he encountered Mr. Bingley, Jane, and Catherine at the edge of the wood. The ladies were picking flowers and all three were engaged in pleasant conversation. When Catherine saw Mr. Darcy, she changed her direction to give him wide berth. Mr. Bingley sauntered after her, leaving Jane to greet Mr. Darcy. He offered her his arm and they followed the others.
"You must forgive Kitty, Mr. Darcy. She is somewhat in awe of you," she said with an apologetic smile. Mr. Darcy looked a bit surprised, but Jane did not comment on it.
"And you, Miss Bennet, I cannot imagine that you can be very glad to see me either," he said somewhat sheepishly. It was Jane's turn to be surprised.
"Why Mr. Darcy, why do you say so? I cannot imagine why I should not be glad to see the closest friend of my future husband."
"I have not always been a good friend to your future husband," Mr. Darcy replied, his head lowered in shame. "In fact, both you and he have every right to consider me an enemy."
"Mr. Darcy!" Jane cried, her eyes wide. "What terrible crime are you guilty of that would make us no longer friends?" Mr. Darcy looked at Jane and realized that he had been right in concluding that neither Elizabeth nor Bingley had betrayed him. They started walking again and when they reached the main garden Mr. Darcy invited her to sit on a teak bench a short distance from the rest of the party. Mr. Bingley looked over at them and saw that they were engaged in a serious discussion, and understanding his friend's need to deal with the past, did not intrude.
"Miss Bennet, I have a confession to make. What I am about to tell you may rightfully make you hate me, and if after you have heard what I am about to say you do not want me to be further connected with your wedding--or for that matter with Bingley--I will understand." Jane immediately began to protest, but he silenced her with a hand. "Please hear me out, Miss Bennet."
"I know about you and Lizzy," she said simply. Mr. Darcy's head jerked up. He would have to tell Jane about that as well.
"What I have to speak about goes beyond my dealings with your sister, Miss Bennet." He paused to gather his thoughts, and then clearing his throat, he began his tale.
"I had not been two weeks in Hertfordshire before I became aware of Bingley's feelings for you. In fact," he said with a chuckle, "I would be very surprised if I was the only one who noticed it. I have known Bingley since we were boys, and I have seen him lose his head over a pretty girl more times than I can count." Mr. Darcy smiled at the memories of his Cambridge days, and Jane smiled as well. When Mr. Darcy saw this, his face abruptly fell. He knew that what came next would be painful for both of them. "But I knew that what he felt for you was different. It was serious, and I grew very concern
ed that he might be making a big mistake."
"Mistake, Mr. Darcy?" Jane's question carried no anger or malice, simply an inquiry.
"I thought that--I was afraid that although you seemed to enjoy his company, that you did not share his feelings. I was afraid that you wanted him for his money," he said in a rush, no longer able to look Jane in the eye. "You would not have been the first girl to encourage a man she did not love in order to secure a home and a position in society." He drew a heavy sigh. Beside him, Jane sat quietly, patiently listening. Mr. Darcy almost wished for her to lash out at him. Her composure made him uncomfortable; he remembered Lizzy saying to him in Hunsford that Jane was not a person to let her feelings show. He tried not to think of Jane's sister as he continued. "I mistook your quiet nature, Miss Bennet. I observed you closely and saw no particular signs of regard for my friend, and I took it upon myself to inform him of my suspicions that you did not love him and were seeking to marry him only for his money." Jane turned to look at him now, but her face bespoke understanding rather than rage.
So Long, Sentiment Page 12