Joe Vampire
Hey, folks. I’m Joe, and I’m a vampire – not by choice, mind you, but by accident…a fate-twisting, fang-creating, blood lust-inducing misunderstanding. It started with a group date, a case of mistaken identity and far too many sake bombers, and ended with a ridiculous set of circumstances that I just can’t seem to wrap my head around. Maybe you can tell: I’m not real happy about it. But I’m certainly not going to let it get in the way of my life. So I’ve thrown my ranting into a blog. I’m hanging out my dirty laundry in an effort to explain the real deal about being a card-carrying member of the Undead Elite. Maybe it will help others understand the truth about vampires. Maybe it will help me come to terms with it, too. Believe me, it’s not all satin capes and naked ladies…none of it is, actually. One naked lady would be nice. Instead, it’s just one nasty little surprise after another. The truth bears exposing, and I’m pulling back the curtain on all of it. If I can figure out how to keep it from mowing me over in the process, then that’s groovy, too. And that thing about vampires sparkling in the sun? That is a bunch of bull.
Joe Vampire: The Afterlife
So...yeah. It’s me again. America’s most sarcastic vampire. I’m back on the blog. It’s been a while - about a year, if we need to get into specifics. Which I usually do. It’s just a thing with me. A lot has happened since we last chatted - some good, some bad. All worthwhile, in the grand scheme. I’ve dealt with the whole Living Dead thing long enough now to know how to keep it from taking over my life. What I’m still figuring out is how to keep it from wreaking havoc on everyone else’s lives. It’s a roller coaster, for sure, but I’m convinced that waiting for me somewhere on the other side of the Other Side is a real-life life, not just some artificially-sweetened half-life substitute. I want a family. I want my music. I want the dream come true, not the dream fell through. And I’m determined to have it, regardless of how eternal this afterlife thing might be. But it’s a hell of a lot to keep track of. Barring any unforeseen developments that might undo all my vampirosity, I may have to grow up a little in order to get it all to work out. I’m ready for that, though.
As fun as it might seem to hang with the Lost Boys, I can’t be Peter Pan-pire forever.
Joe Vampire: The New Paranormal
What has two fangs, a houseful of domestic madness and a brand-new blog full of vampire blah-blah-blah? This guy right here. Twice around the web and five years of contemporary ghoul-dude antics just weren’t enough for me. So I’m doing it all over again. This time, I’m in the throes of family expansion, in the form of another sticky-handed little Asherling running around this place—complete with vampire complications of his own. And the music project is picking up steam, too, including an amazing opportunity to tour with Revenant, those legendary gods of 80s Gothtronica. I’ll have to realign my work responsibilities and figure out how to be away from Chloe and the kids for a while in order to make it all happen. And, of course, the vampire elements will need to be kept under control. That’s always tricky. I can handle anything it throws at me, as long as my family stays safe. And there’s a lot to keep track of when the big What Happens Next has become the big What’s Happening Now. At this point, I’m balancing everything as best I can—the wife and kids, the day job and the dream job, the friends old and new. Joe Asher and Joe Vampire. It’s tenuous but possible, if I put my not-so-beating heart into it. It’s about time I accept that my life is always going to be a little more complex than I’d expected. All things considered, it’s a definite double-fistful of awesome, with a smattering of not-so-wonderful thrown in for good measure. Yep. Welcome to the new paranormal.
Population: us.
This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things
A man who receives life-changing financial advice from the talking fruit in his breakfast bowl...a girl whose thoughts incinerate her family over and over again...a house that wants nothing more than to please its occupants, and will do anything at all to make sure they’re happy. From enchanting to troubling to downright disturbing, this is why can’t have nice things explores the notion that sometimes even the most promising of magic can go askew, through an array of characters whose outcomes can be horrifying, hilarious, or heartbreaking - all delivered with inventive charm and wickedly gleeful wit.
Wonder no more of magic, for this is why we can’t have nice things.
Songs from the Phenomenal Nothing
“It feels like I’ve been broken and pushed back together in the wrong shape. Like there’ll always be something in me that doesn’t fit together in the right way anymore.” Seventeen-year-old guitar prodigy Tyler Mills is lost in the wake of his mother’s death, searching for a sense of identity in her absence and living with a father who he can barely tolerate. When he finds his mother’s journals - and the long-held family secret within them concerning her ties to reclusive ex-rock star Trevor Graves - he sets out alone on an emotional journey to learn the ultimate truth about his mother, his family...and himself.
Starfire and the Miracle Tree
Emmaline Starfire Donahue has a secret: an angel has given her a feather from its wing – an honest-to-goodness angel feather that sparkles and shines and smells like rain! Everybody knows that nothing ever grows in Wahzaloo County except weeds and despair. But when Emmaline plants the feather in her front yard, it grows into a tree that bears miracles – enough for everyone in Wahzaloo! Rain falls for the first time in years, the bald grow hair, and the tone-deaf sing! Who would have believed it? If only her momma were there to share it with her…but she vanished nearly a year ago, and Emmaline’s world has been upside-down ever since. What made Momma disappear, and how will the tree help Emmaline overcome her sadness? With help from Daddy and some fantastic friends – and even a little from her mean-as-the-devil older sister, Juleene – Emmaline might finally understand the truth as she works her way toward a most astounding revelation... Starfire and the Miracle Tree is a magical realism tale that explores the issues of grieving and loss in a tender, whimsical way that will resonate with children and adults alike. For readers seven years and up.
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By Jordon Quattlebaum
Breakdown (Episodes 1 – 8)
When Thomas Monroe’s car breaks down on the side of the road, he’s sure the day can’t get any worse... until he receives a mysterious call warning him of impending doom. Seconds later, the United States is his by what appears to be an electromagnetic pulse, knocking the power grid almost completely offline. Thom, like most of the country, is unprepared. Worst of all, his daughter, the only family he has left, is halfway across the state at college…and the world between them is a warzone.
Running on Empty: Preacher and Ghost, Issue #1
Nearly 80 years have passed since a meteor struck the Earth, sending plumes of dust into the atmosphere to create the Great Eclipse. Generations of survivors have grown up without the sun, their days barely brighter than their long, cold nights. Information travels from Citadel to Citadel, changing with each retelling, like a childhood game of telephone. Archivists toil to piece together fragments of truth from the myriad of rumors that blow into town, selling the truth to the trade guilds for a profit.
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