by Harloe Rae
I hold up my empty palms, the weight of nothing has never been heavier. “I don’t think that. Not at all. I let the past get to me. That’s over with now. I confronted my demons, like you so eloquently suggested.”
“Good to hear you took my advice.” She crosses her arms, crushing the stems without flinching. She isn’t making this easy on me, that’s for sure. A swell of pride simmers inside of me. My stubborn girl hasn’t lost her fight.
“I appreciate you giving it to me straight. That was needed. I’m a sad, lonely, pitiful, stupid—”
She slices through the foot of space separating us. “Stop reciting the list I’ve already created.”
My gut clenches. “That doesn’t sound good.”
“What do you expect, Ford? A warm welcome after you tore apart the flimsy trust we’d managed to restore? You know the crap I’ve been through. I don’t need empty promises or meaningless words. After two weeks of nothing, I figure there’s nothing left to say.”
I’m shaking my head halfway through her speech. “No, Kee. That’s not true. There’s plenty left for us. Everything. Please don’t give up on me. I screwed up. I know. Dammit, please.”
The tension radiating from her thin frame hasn’t eased. She stands strong and proud, lifting her chin to pin a fiery glare at me. “You blasted me with so much shade that there’s permanent damage. All that callous indifference thrown at me, without hesitating. How do you think I feel, huh? You laid the explosives, set the detonator, lit the fuse, blew up the bridge, and walked away unscathed.”
The truthful lash is brutal enough to make my legs quake. “I’ll agree to the first two, but I’ve been living in hell without you. I can’t go on like this. Please tell me what I can do to fix us. I’ll do anything.”
Keegan sniffs, dropping her gaze to the crushed bouquet I foolishly thought would help. “Maybe you should’ve considered that before setting fire to everything we built. There’s a hole in my chest, and you put it there. You pulled the trigger. That’s on you, Ford.”
“You can’t forgive me.” It’s a statement without question. I hang my head as any lingering hope fizzles in my queasy stomach. Grant was wrong. I’m not the hero. Keegan and Millie don’t need me.
“I don’t think so, Ford. There’s too much damage.” Her choppy exhale is almost my undoing. But I’m already fading regardless.
“Okay, I understand.” I glance from Keegan to Millie and back again. Their solemn expressions brand me, leaving a stamp on my crushed soul. The shattering in my chest is painful enough to steal my breath. I drag in a labored pull, my lungs protesting the forced motion. “For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry.”
She wipes at her already wet cheek. “So am I.”
I turn away, properly chastised and punished. Millie’s quick footsteps pound into my ears. Her whispered protests crash into me, cracking what’s already broken. I deserve worse. My boots drag against the pebbles littering her walkway. I don’t bother lifting my feet to avoid the minor bumps. This isn’t the end I wanted, but the choice wasn’t mine to make.
“Ford,” Keegan calls.
When I glance over my shoulder, Millie is yanking on her mother’s shirt. A slew of desperate pleading falls from her lips faster than I can track. I force myself to remain rooted in place. What I imagine, and want with clawing desperation, is to eliminate the frigid wasteland separating us. “Yeah?”
“Don’t go.”
I freeze with my gaze locked on her. How cruel is my brain to plant such a tempting trap? There’s no chance in this warped reality that my ears are being honest. In this suspended moment, I can only assume my mind is playing nasty tricks. Or I’m really losing my grasp. I blink and she’s still standing there, waiting for me. “What?”
“Maybe we can start fresh. From the beginning.” She bites her lip while thinking something over. “We got off on the wrong foot from day one. What do you think?”
All of the air rushes out of me with a loud whoosh. “Really?”
She shrugs. “Yeah. Watching you walk away again is a bit more than we can handle. Willpower only stretches so far on its own. We’ve all been pretty mopey without you. That’s gotta count for something, right?”
With three long strides, I eat the distance keeping us apart. “You won’t regret this.”
Keegan peeks up at me from beneath her damp lashes. “That’s what I’m banking on.”
“Does this mean we can be friends again?” Millie’s soft voice chimes in, the sweetest sound I’ve heard in two weeks.
“Maybe, if your mom says that’s okay.” Uncertainty continues to prod at me. I can’t be sure until Keegan tells me.
The little girl smiles at me and just like that, my spirits soar to the clouds. “We missed you, Ford.”
Keegan huffs, rolling her tear-stained eyes. “Don’t let him off the hook so easily, Mills.”
“But he’s sorry, Mama. Look how sad he is without us.”
“She’s right. I’m barely breathing.”
“I expect a lot more groveling.”
“And I plan to give it. For many years to come, if you’ll have me.”
“Let’s not get too serious. I thought this wasn’t about dating?” She twirls some blonde strands around her finger.
“That was part of my idiotic front. The one you punched gouges in after a simple glance. I think we both know exactly where this is heading.”
“You just want to have adult sleepovers with me again.” She states that as if it’s a crime against her.
“I can’t say that hasn’t crossed my mind. Let’s be honest, I’d be blind or batting for the other team if that wasn’t the case. But this is about far more than S-E-X.”
Keegan scowls at me. “Millie can spell.”
I wince. “Oh, sorry.”
Millie giggles, covering the sound with a tiny palm. “You’re so in love. I can’t wait for the wedding. Can I wear a pink dress with silky sleeves?”
Keegan pats her daughter on the head. “We haven’t officially started dating yet. Let’s start there and see where things go.”
“I’m gonna learn that secret language for couples and knock your socks off.”
A gape parts her ruby lips. “What?”
I allow a lopsided smirk to tilt my lips. “Never mind. Just remember that I’m prime boyfriend material. You’ll see. I’m gonna earn all of your trust again.”
Keegan’s eyebrows leap toward her hairline. “Pump the brakes, Mister Swoony. I’ve been disappointed enough for a lifetime, Ford. My little girl has already experienced more emotional warfare than any grown adult ever should. How is this going to be any different? What’s to stop you from leaving again?”
I shuffle forward, putting me that much closer to paradise and a future worth striving toward. “You have every right to question me. I can’t guarantee a day won’t arrive where my gut instinct is to flee. But I promise to reach out and let you reel me in. No more leaving unless you make me go. But I won’t go without trying to tough it out first. I wanna be grounded here, to you and Millie. Being reliable and dependable is who I hope to become. Both of you have left a permanent mark on my lonely soul. There’s no moving on without you.”
She nibbles on that plump bottom lip again. “You’d let us do the saving for once?”
A low rumble rises out of me. “I would love nothing more.”
With her next breath, Keegan shifts and sidles up against me. Her arms loop around my waist in a gentle embrace. I’m stunned for a moment and don’t move. When her cheek rests over my left pec, all of the pressure releases from inside of me. I reach out, scooping Millie in the process, and hold them both against me. We all share a mutual sigh that sinks straight to my wounded soul. What’s left of my guard and misplaced reservations dissolve into dust at our feet. I’m laid bare and splitting open. Nothing has felt so…good.
Keegan nuzzles closer, erasing any possibility of separation. The notion she wants to be plastered against me warms the coldest section
s of my mending heart. “Hugs are the best medicine.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s laughter.” Her head bumps into me when I chuckle.
She clucks her tongue. “There’s more than one prescription.”
“I’ll have them all, so long as you’re passing out the doses.” I press my lips to her forehead.
“Thank you for the flowers. They’re beautiful.”
“You’re welcome, babe.”
“I’m sorry if the stems got a bit broken. An unfortunate casualty.”
“Don’t worry too much. There’s plenty more where those came from.”
A muffled squeak of protest interrupts the intense voltage sparking between us. Wriggling for an escape shortly follows. “You’re squishing me,” Millie complains.
She separates from our huddle with a huff. Her hair is a mess of rumpled blonde braids. She looks so much like her mother, which sends a powerful surge of protectiveness through me. Beating punk-ass boys with a spiked club is in my very near future. I wonder where Keegan stands on the rules for letting Millie date. It’s far too soon for concern, right? A weak exhale trickles out of me. Jesus, this could be my life. Maybe that should freak me out, but all I can do is smile.
“Get used to it, Peep. There are gonna be a lot of group hugs in our future.”
“Really?” Her gasp, that lingering doubt, gives me something to prove. “You’re really gonna stay this time?”
I drag Millie back into the fold, and she collapses against us without making a fuss. “There’s no place I’d rather be.”
“Turning into quite the charmer,” Keegan murmurs.
“I’m just getting warmed up. Twenty-six years of lonely solitude will do that to a man. Especially after he’s found the right motivation.”
“Be careful. You’re beginning to trigger those pesky romantic feelings.”
“In that case, I hope they’re contagious.” I tip her chin up with a finger, sealing our mouths together for a chaste kiss. That single touch is enough to ignite a blazing inferno in my gut. “I already have them.”
Keegan’s sharp inhale zaps off her lips. I feel that static down to my toes. “Oh, my.”
Before our public display can border on indecent, I straighten and force a foot of distance between us. “Do you have plans tonight?”
“We were just about to settle in for a movie.”
“Does the couch have room for one more?”
She steps back and opens the door in what I can only hope is a permanent invitation. “Come see for yourself.”
Healing Hug #31: Giving voice to possibility and the potential for more.
I swirl another forkful of pesto noodles, the creamy sauce dripping off my utensil. A burst of herbs and spices greets my mouth with the culinary equivalent of cymbals crashing. I let my lashes flutter shut to simply enjoy the flavorful morsel. An indecent moan slips past my lips as I swallow the linguini. There’s not a single speck of shame flushing my cheeks.
Once my foodgasm has subsided, the restaurant comes back into focus. Tonight might be our first visit to Donte Louie, but one taste will never be enough. After this meal, it’s safe to say I’ll be returning soon and often. It’s a little romantic getaway not far from town, with dim lighting and a lot of ambience. Staging a calm and soothing mood. It’s a very appropriate setting for our first official date.
The large dining room is speckled with couples or multiple sets of pairs. Our threesome seems to be a rarity. Perhaps most choose to leave their children at home, given the white tablecloths and crystal oil lamps. Crawford made sure that Millie was invited. Heaven forbid she gets left out of this special occasion.
“Do you like my choice?”
Crawford’s question makes me smile, mouth stuffed and all. I dab at my lips, but there’s probably leftover evidence in my teeth. “Very much so.”
“This would be a great spot for another new tradition, if you approve.”
“I certainly do. Monthly dinners would suffice. Or maybe weekly.”
“It’s so pretty and nice,” Millie chimes in. “My spaghetti is so yummy. I even ate both meatballs.”
“I’m glad my girls are happy,” he coos. The man devoured his steak in record time, proving we’re not the only ones with satisfied tummies.
“And really full,” I add. I take a final bite of the decadent pasta, humming when the rich basil hits my tongue. “Oh, this is too delicious. I’m past my limit, but want to keep eating. Where do I get a doggy bag? I’ll make myself sick.”
Or I could lick the plate clean. Decisions, decisions.
Crawford traces a finger along my splayed hand. “You have to save room for dessert.”
Millie giggles, tipping her chin to hide a wide grin. “Yeah, Mama. The fun isn’t over yet.”
I pat my protruding belly. The food baby is ready to start kicking. “Nothing else is fitting in here at the moment.”
“We can sit and relax for a bit. There’s no rush.” He glances over his shoulder, maybe searching for the server.
“Well,” I toss my napkin onto the table. “This calls for a quick restroom run. Please order me another glass of that fabulous champagne if our lady swings by.”
Crawford’s hazel eyes carve a path along my curves when I stand. “Will do.”
I blow a kiss at him before tugging on Millie’s pigtail. “Do you have to go potty, sweetie?”
She frowns at me. Cute as she is, the expression is almost thunderous. “No, I’m staying with Ford. Have fun, Mama. I love you.”
I furrow my brow at her stern tone mixing with sugary words. “Um, okay. Someone’s touchy. Maybe you need an extra-large slice of chocolate cake. Love you, baby girl.”
The bathroom is a short walk and down a hallway bathed in blue. My stiletto-clad toes are thankful for the easy trek. I strut into the overly perfumed space and do my business. When I get in front of the mirror, a hive of honey-starved bees wakes in my belly. The buzzing travels through my veins, giving me a zing from scalp to sole. I press a palm flat to my stomach and inhale until my lungs strain.
This is just a date. One of many, according to the man who planned it. Just a regular evening out with a guy who happens to be crazy about me. His words, not mine. Crawford hasn’t been shy about his feelings. Quite the opposite, really.
Since our impromptu movie night where Millie conked out halfway through the animated film, he’s been taking advantage of every second we spend alone. Getting reacquainted has made our near-parting almost worth it. During these heated moments, Crawford has hedged around the L-word. He gets close and veers off, saying everything except the one I’ve been secretly waiting for. Maybe I should spill my guts before he does. Lord knows I’m close to bursting at this point.
I shake off the heady sensation and focus on reapplying my lipstick. Why am I nervous? There’s no reason to be. Plus, Millie is with us. There won’t be any deep and heavy confessions until the moon kisses the stars. I walk back to the table on my teetering heels with that solid fact in mind. When I get within a few strides of my seat, I stumble to a stop. Crawford is smiling at me, appearing as if everything is normal. My daughter, on the other hand, is very noticeably absent.
“Where’s Millie?”
My newly solo date widens his grin. “Josey picked her up.”
I’m sure my eyes are near bulging. “What? Why? Is she sick?”
Crawford chuckles and pats my empty seat. “It’s all been planned, Kee. The rest of tonight belongs to us.”
“Oh.” I peer around the bustling section we’re cornered in. “Did you order dessert?”
“We’ll be savoring it at my place.” He reaches for my hand, placing soft kisses along my knuckles.
“Okay.” How can I argue with that?
“Ready to go, love?”
A shudder rolls through me at his choice of endearment. So close, yet not quite right. I don’t need to exchange verbal sentiments. He’s showing me in more ways than those three little words ever could. His actions
have been shouting from the rooftops for the past week. I mean, one fast glance at the guy shows a changed man. And that’s just on the surface. A fancy shirt and tie don’t impress me, though. The way he listens and lavishes us with attention and strives to be the best for himself means so much more than any fancy meal. But I’m not complaining about the combo platter of goodness he’s spoiling me with.
“Keegan?”
I shake off those wayward thoughts. “Oh, sorry. You have me a bit dazed.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“Very much so.” A ripple of heat spreads from my lower belly.
A satisfied noise tumbles off his succulent lips. “I’m about to make it even better.”
“How is that even possible?” My voice is breathy and wanton. There’s no use trying to mask my desire at this point.
“You’ll see.”
And he does, in quite a hurry. We make the drive to his house in under fifteen minutes. The woods are pitch black, but there’s a soft glow coming from his loft windows. Someone has definitely been planning something.
Before I can take a single step, Crawford scoops me into his arms. A startled yelp escapes me while I wiggle in his hold. “What’re you doing?”
“I don’t want you to trip in the dark wearing those sexy as fuck shoes.”
With a purring exhale, I press kisses along the base of his throat. “That’s very thoughtful of you.”
After climbing the winding staircase, Crawford unlocks the door. He sets me down in the foyer with gentle care. It takes me a moment to gather my bearings, but all the air leaves me an instant later. His studio space flickers with flameless light from numerous electric candles arranged across every surface. A blend of loose and bundled wild flowers decorate the floor and his bed.
“Ford, what is all of this?” I cover my gaping mouth with a shaky hand.
He presses into me from behind. “I picked all of those for you. Figured it was overdue.”
“That’s very sweet of you.” I peek at him over my shoulder and suck in a rasp. While I was distracted by the display, Crawford started stripping. Lust rolls off him in rapid waves. I allow the current to sweep me away without hesitation. Appreciating his sense of urgency, I turn to get a better view.