by Tom Stoppard
EASY: (Off-stage.) Cube!
(A cube sails on over ABEL’s head, and ABEL, who is caught by surprise, catches it and places it on the steps. This keeps happening again and again while BAKER and CHARLIE rebuild the wall. ABEL, however, makes a tower out of the cubes instead of laying them to make a new level. After seven cubes, in toto, EASY enters and sees the tottering tower of cubes and just saves them from collapsing. BAKER and CHARLIE meanwhile have removed themselves from view by rebuilding the wall which now says;
MEG
SHOT
GLAD
DOGG enters, carrying a small table with silver trophies covered with a velvet cloth. He walks to the microphone and tests it.)
DOGG: Sun, dock, trogg …
(The microphone is dead. DOGG to BAKER.)
Haddock priest.
BAKER: Haddock, git?
DOGG: Priest.
(BAKER goes to the microphone and turns the switch on.)
Sun, dock, trog … Gymshoes. [*Excellent.]
(The microphone is live. Meanwhile EASY has placed all the cubes correctly so that they make a top layer to the steps. He is one cube short, however. ABEL goes back to the lorry.)
EASY: Cube short.
DOGG: (To EASY.) Brick?
EASY: Cube!
DOGG: Brick.
EASY: Cube!
(A cube sails in from the lorry and EASY catches it and then the steps are complete, DOGG turns to go, sees the new wall with its message and looks at EASY, EASY looks at the wall. He looks at DOGG.)
Pax!
(DOGG knocks him through the wall which disintegrates. DOGG leaves. CHARLIE and BAKER start re-assembling the components of the wall, EASY shouts after DOGG.)
Yob! [*Flowers.]
(CHARLIE, BAKER and EASY are roughly in line by the carpet. DOGG reappears immediately with a bouquet which is wrapped in cellophane and tied with a red ribbon. It is important that it is distinctive because it appears in the second half of the play. He hands this to CHARLIE. March music is heard. CHARLIE gives the bouquet to BAKER who gives it to EASY who thrusts it into DOGG’s hands as he exits. DOGG re-enters furiously and gives flowers back to EASY who gives them to ABEL as he enters. ABEL gives them to CHARLIE who loses them while rebuilding the wall. EASY exits and returns with lid for platform. CHARLIE and BAKER, now joined by ABEL, rebuild the wall, then take their little flags out of their pockets and start waving them. EASY joins in unhappily.
A LADY enters followed by a smirking DOGG. The music plays, the flags wave. The LADY gets to the microphone. The music stops and she is ready to give her speech which is written on a neat postcard held in her gloved hand.)
LADY: (Nicely.) Scabs, slobs, yobs, yids, spicks, wops …
(As one might say Your Grace, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls …)
Sad fact, brats pule puke crap-pot stink, spit; grow up dunces crooks; rank socks dank snotrags, conkers, ticks; crib books, cock snooks, block bogs, jack off, catch pox pick spots, scabs, padlocks, seek kicks, kinks, slack; nick swag, swig coke, bank kickbacks; … frankly can’t stick kids. Mens sana in corpore sano.
(Applause. LADY comes down from the platform helped by DOGG.
They stand by the table, DOGG lifts the cloth to reveal the school trophies.)
DOGG: (Presenting school prizes reads.) Pansticks jammy, sun-up—Fox Major. (FOX enters from auditorium left, climbs steps to stage and collects his prize. He shakes hands with a beaming LADY.)
FOX: Cube, get. [*Thank you, madam.]
(FOX exits into auditorium right.)
DOGG: As Grimsby primate what, sun-up—Fox Major.
(FOX, still near the front of the auditorium, turns and awkwardly squeezes in between two rows of seats. As he steps over the audience’s legs he apologetically exclaims ‘Cutlery’ [*Excuse me], reaches stage and receives prize as before.)
Cuff-laces empty cross … Crazy jogs … Poodle-fire … Melon legs arc lamps … pelvic wiggle stamp … grinning … grape-soot pergolas … fairly pricks double … elegant frantically … plugs … Fox Major.
(DOGG has been placing all these trophies on top of the velvet which covered them earlier, and which he has placed on the platform EASY built. FOX whoops when he hears his name and rushes onto the stage as before, but picks up the table, which is now quite bare, and exits trimphantly stage left.
Throughout this presentation ABLE, BAKER and CHARLIE have been waving their flags each time FOX arrives on stage, but their faces reveal their dissatisfaction and boredom.
Practically … Helmet bedsocks Denmark. [*And now … Helmet Prince of Denmark.]
MRS DOGG (Correcting him.) Hamlet …
DOGG: Hamlet bedsocks Denmark, yeti William Shakespeare. (To MRS DOGG.) Yob?
MRS DOGG: Yob … yob … yob? [*Flowers?]
(She looks to schoolboys, who know nothing of their whereabouts. MRS DOGG turns away and gives LADY her button-hole, with a little curtsey. To LADY.)
Hernia, suppurating kidneys, reeks cat-boils frankly gangrenous armpit dripping maggots …
LADY: (With energy and charm.) Sod the pudding club!
(Music, DOGG, MRS DOGG and LADY begin to exit past the wall. The LADY notices the message on the wall which says:
GOD
SLAG
THEM
She is taken aback but bravely continues out. DOGG looks daggers at EASY. As soon as the LADY and MRS DOGG have left the stage DOGG does an about-turn and marches back to EASY. EASY looks at DOGG. DOGG looks at the wall. EASY dutifully hurls himself through the wall which disintegrates. DOGG leaves. EASY picks himself up. He shouts furiously after DOGG.)
EASY: Stinkbag! Poxy crank!
(ABEL, BAKER and CHARLIE are also resentful about DOGG and all their succeeding lines, as are EASY’s, are insults referring to DOGG, though not necessarily called out after him.)
BAKER: Pax! Quinces carparks!
EASY: Canting poncey creep!
CHARLIE: Daisy squire!
EASY: Sadist! Fascist!
ABEL: Fishes! Afternoons!
EASY: Officious bastard! Lunatic!
ABEL: Avacados castle sofa Dogg!
EASY: Have his guts for garters, see if I don’t!
ABEL: (Talking to EASY about DOGG.) Avocados castle cigar smoke.
EASY: (To ABLE.) Right!—See if I don’t! Kick his backside!
BAKER: (To EASY.) Quinces ice-packs!
EASY: (To BAKER.) Right!
CHARLIE: Daisy squire!
BAKER: Slab git, nit git—
EASY: Three bags full git! Crazy little squirt!
CHARLIE: Daisy vanilla!
EASY: Squire! Quince bog! Have his pax for carpox—so help me Dogg, see avocado!——Slab.
BAKER: Moronic creep.
EASY: Slab. Cretinous pig-face?
BAKER: Cretinous pig-face? Slack-dunce. [*4: 10.]
EASY: What?
BAKER: Dunce.
EASY: Cube.
(During the above ABEL, BAKER and CHARLIE have been rebuilding the wall, and EASY has been rolling up the red carpet. Now EASY starts collecting all the flags back starting with the three flags given to ABEL, BAKER and CHARLIE which they threw to the floor in disgust. He collects flags from the audience and counts them as he collects them, and thanks each one, ‘Cube’, as he does so.)
Sun, dock, trog, slack, pan, sock, slight, bright, none, fun, what, dunce!
(ABEL, BAKER and CHARLIE have just finished building the wall and have built themselves out of view. EASY moves to exit, when we hear …)
BAKER: (From behind screen and pointing at microphone.) Haddock.
(EASY returns and takes off microphone. Before he exits …)
EASY: Hamlet bedsocks Denmark. Yeti William Shakespeare.
(The wall says:
DOGGS
HAM
LET
The lighting changes and there is a trumpet fanfare and DOGG enters now dressed to take his part in the 15-Minute Hamlet. He goes to the platform, from which he speaks the
prologue of the Hamlet, and then exits. This leaves the wall and the steps to be used as the walls and ramparts of Elsinore. At the back of the stage left and right are two folding screens. The stage left screen has a bolt through the top which allows a cut-out sun, moon and crown to be swung into vision from behind the screen. From the on-stage side pivots a two-dimensional cut-out grave for OPHELIA.)
PROLOGUE
Enter SHAKESPEARE, bows.
SHAKESPEARE: For this relief, much thanks.
Though I am native here, and to the manner born,
It is a custom more honoured in the breach
Than in the observance
Well.
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
To be, or not to be, that is the question.
There are more things in heaven and earth
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy—
There’s a divinity that shapes our ends,
Rough hew them how we will
Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.
I must be cruel only to be kind;
Hold, as t’were, the mirror up to nature.
A countenance more in sorrow than in anger.
(LADY in audience shouts ‘Marmalade’.)
The lady doth protest too much.
Cat will mew, and Dogg will have his day!
(Bows and exits. End of prologue.)
A castle battlement. Thunder and wind. Enter two GUARDS: BERNARDO/MARCELLUS and FRANCISCO/HORATIO. The GUARDS are played by ABEL and BAKER respectively. They are costumed for a typical Shakespeare play except that they have short trousers. GUARDS on the platform.
BERNARDO: Who’s there?
FRANCISCO: Nay, answer me.
BERNARDO: Long live the King. Get thee to bed.
FRANCISCO: For this relief, much thanks.
BERNARDO: What, has this thing appeared again tonight?
FRANCISCO: Peace, break thee off: look where it comes again!
BERNARDO: Looks it not like the King?
FRANCISCO: By heaven, I charge thee, speak!
BERNARDO: (Points and looks left.) ’Tis here.
FRANCISCO: (Points and looks right.) ’Tis there.
BERNARDO: (Looks right.) ’Tis gone.
FRANCISCO: But look, the morn in russet mantle clad
Walks o’er the dew of yon high eastern hill.
(On ‘But look’ a cut-out sun shoots up over the stage left screen, and descends here.)
BERNARDO: Let us impart what we have seen tonight
Unto young Hamlet.
(Exeunt. End scene.)
A room of state within the castle. A cut-out crown hinges over stage left screen.
Flourish of trumpets. Enter CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE, who is played by MRS DOGG.
CLAUDIUS: Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother’s death
The memory be green
(Enter HAMLET who is played by fox MAJOR.)
Our sometime sister, now our Queen
Have we taken to wife.
But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son—
HAMLET: A little more than kin, and less than kind.
(Exit CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE.)
O that this too too solid flesh would melt!
That it should come to this—but two months dead!
So loving to my mother: Frailty, thy name is woman!
Married with mine uncle, my father’s brother.
The funeral baked meats did coldly furnish forth
The marriage tables.
(The crown hinges down, HORATIO rushes on.)
HORATIO: My lord, I think I saw him yesternight—
The King, your father—upon the platform where
we watched.
HAMLET: ’Tis very strange.
HORATIO: Armed, my lord—
A countenance more in sorrow than in anger.
HAMLET: My father’s spirit in arms? All is not well.
Would the night were come!
(The moon hinges up. Exeunt to parapet. End scene.)
The castle battlements at night. Noise of carouse, cannon, fireworks.
HORATIO and HAMLET appear on platform built by EASY.
HAMLET: The King doth wake tonight and takes his rouse,
Though I am native here and to the manner born,
It is a custom more honoured in the breach
Than in the observance.
(Wind noise.)
HORATIO: Look, my lord, it comes. (Points)
(Enter GHOST above the wall built of blocks.)
HAMLET: Angels and ministers of grace defend us!
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark!
Alas, poor ghost.
GHOST: I am thy father’s spirit.
Revenge his foul and most unnnatural murder.
HAMLET: Murder?
GHOST: The serpent that did sting thy father’s life
Now wears his crown.
HAMLET: O my prophetic soul? Mine uncle?
(Exit GHOST. To HORATIO.)
There are more things in heaven and earth
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
(Exit HORATIO.)
Hereafter I shall think meet
To put an antic disposition on.
The time is out of joint. O cursed spite
That ever I was born to set it right!
(Exit HAMLET. Moon hinges down. End scene.)
A room within. Crown hinges up. Flourish of trumpets leading into flute and harpsichord music. Enter POLONIUS; OPHELIA rushes on.
OPHELIA is, of course, played by CHARLIE.
POLONIUS: How now Ophelia, what’s the matter?
OPHELIA: My lord, as I was sewing in my chamber,
Lord Hamlet with his doublet all unbraced;
No hat upon his head, pale as his shirt,
His knees knocking each other, and with a look so piteous
He comes before me.
POLONIUS: Mad for thy love?
I have found the very cause of Hamlet’s lunacy.
(Enter HAMLET, exit OPHELIA.)
Look where sadly the poor wretch comes reading
What do you read, my lord?
HAMLET: Words, words, words.
POLONIUS: Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.
HAMLET: I am but mad north northwest: when the wind is
southerly I know a hawk from a
handsaw.
(Slams book shut and against POLONIUS’s chest.)
POLONIUS: The actors are come hither, my lord. (Exits)
HAMLET: We’ll hear a play tomorrow.
I have heard that guilty creatures sitting at a play
Have by the very cunning of the scene
Been struck so to the soul that presently
They have proclaimed their malefactions.
I’ll have these players play something
Like the murder of my father before mine uncle.
If he but blench, I know my course.
The play’s the thing Wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the King.
(Pause)
To be, or not to be (Puts dagger, pulled from his sleeve, to heart.
Enter CLAUDIUS and OPHELIA.)
that is the question.
OPHELIA: My lord—
HAMLET: Get thee to a nunnery!
(Exit OPHELIA and HAMLET.)
CLAUDIUS: Love? His affections do not that way tend
There’s something in his soul
O’er which his melancholy sits on brood.
He shall with speed to England.
(Exit CLAUDIUS. End scene.)
A hall within the castle. Flourish of trumpets. Enter HAMLET and OPHELIA, MARCELLUS and HORATIO joking, CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE. Puppet players appear above stage left screen.
HAMLET: (To puppet players.) Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you; trippingly on the tongue.
Hold, as t’were, the mirror up to nature
(ALL sit to watch puppet play. M
asque music)
(To GERTRUDE.) Madam, how like you the play?
GERTRUDE: The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
HAMLET: He poisons him in the garden of his estate. You shall see anon how the murderer gets the love of Gonzago’s wife.
(CLAUDIUS rises.)
The King rises!
(Music stops, hubbub noise starts.)
What, frighted with false fire?
(Exit, CLAUDIUS.)
ALL: Give o’er the play.
(Puppets disappear, crown disappears.)
HAMLET: Lights! Lights! Lights! I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand pounds!
(Exeunt ALL except POLONIUS.)
POLONIUS: (Standing at side.) He’s going to his mother’s closet.
Behind the arras I’ll convey myself to hear the process.
(End scene.)
The Queen’s apartment. POLONIUS stands by stage right screen and hinges a curtain out from behind it. Lute music. Enter HAMLET and GERTRUDE.
HAMLET: Now Mother, what’s the matter?
GERTRUDE: Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.
HAMLET: Mother, you have my father much offended.
(Holds her.)
GERTRUDE: What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me?
Help! Help! Ho!
POLONIUS: (Behind the arras.) Help!
HAMLET: How now? A rat? (Stabs POLONIUS.) Dead for a ducat, dead!
GERTRUDE: O me, what hast thou done?
HAMLET: Nay, I know not.
GERTRUDE: Alas, he’s mad.
HAMLET: I must be cruel only to be kind. Good night, Mother.
(Exit HAMLET dragging POLONIUS. Exit GERTRUDE, sobbing. Arras hinges back. End scene.)
Another room in the castle. Flourish of trumpets. Crown hinges up. Enter CLAUDIUS and HAMLET.
CLAUDIUS: Now, Hamlet, where’s Polonius?
HAMLET: At supper. (Hiding his sword clumsily.)
CLAUDIUS: Hamlet, this deed must send thee hence.