by HP Mallory
Tallis nodded as if my request was expected. Then he dropped his attention to the floor and frowned. “Ahm sorry,” he said in a mere whisper.
I didn’t say anything for a few seconds because I wasn’t convinced he didn’t have more to say. But after another four seconds went by, it became fairly obvious that Tallis wasn’t going to try to defend his actions, or much less, explain them. “You’re sorry?” I scoffed, but the laugh died on my lips as soon as anger overcame me. “You’re sorry?” I demanded again, eyeing him furiously. “That’s all you’re going to say about it?”
“Ah dinnae know whit else tae say,” he admitted, his jaw tight. He glanced up at me and held my gaze for a few seconds before he shifted his attention to the window and stared out of it vacantly.
My hands fisted at my sides as my entire body shook with outrage. Needless to say, this was not the response I’d expected.
Well, he might not have known what else to say, but I had a whole mouthful of words for him. “After you abandoned Bill and me at the tavern, I didn’t let that stop me from coming after you. Knowing you were in trouble, I traveled through the Dark Wood, and I did it by myself.”
“Ah never woulda asked ye tae do that, lass.”
“It doesn’t matter if you wouldn’t have asked me!” I railed back at him. “I would have done it a thousand times over because you needed me!” My heart hammered away in my chest and made me feel light-headed, probably because I hadn’t had enough to eat in the last … however long. “The point is that I never abandoned you!”
“Lass,” he started, lifting his hands in a play of submission, but I interrupted him. There was no way I was going to end this conversation prematurely—no, not until he understood the full extent of everything I’d done for him. Shakespeare had gotten it right when he wrote “how sharper than the serpent’s tooth it was to have an ungrateful child”; only in this case, an ungrateful bladesmith.
“No,” I began, my entire body shaking. I inhaled deeply and willed myself not to cry. Sometimes, when I got excessively angry, I would just start crying, which only infuriated me all the more. “When I found you here,” I started as I glanced around the room before settling my eyes back on him again. “you were so drunk, you couldn’t even stand up straight. And you were completely out of your mind. Well, you weren’t even yourself. Somehow, Donnchadh was in control of your body, which I only found out the hard way when you nearly raped me. Even after fighting you off, I stuck around for three days to nurse you back to health.” My voice cracked again. “What’s more, I had to flog you and detoxify you from Donnchadh’s pollutants,” I continued, holding out the palms of my hands so he could see the open blisters. “And all you can say is you’re sorry?”
“Whit dae ye want meh tae say?” he demanded, as if everything I just told him had simply gone in one of his ears and out the other.
I shook my head and realized that arguing with him was pointless. He obviously wasn’t going to give me what I most needed and wanted—acknowledgement. It became pretty apparently clear to me that Tallis could care less about the fact that I’d just saved him from Donnchadh. And I was beginning to believe that the truth of the matter regarding him leaving me in the tavern was that he didn’t care about me and never had. Tallis was a man who was and would forever be … alone.
“I should have just left you here to rot,” I spat back at him. “I should have left you to your fate the same way you left me to mine.”
Tallis’s eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms against his chest but he didn’t say anything. That was when I decided it was time for me to go. Tallis and I were like night and day and we would never understand one another. Maybe it was time to call a spade a spade and admit our awkward friendship was nothing more than a farce since we meant nothing to each other. Well, at least, since I meant nothing to him. Reaching for my fanny pack where it lay on the bed, I fastened it around my waist and faced him. “I guess the biggest idiot in all of this is me,” I said, the anger no longer tainting my voice. Instead, I sounded defeated. Feeling the sting of tears in my eyes, I immediately started for the door.
“Besom,” Tallis interrupted as I pushed the door open. “Besom” was his pet-name for me and in Gaelic it meant “troublesome woman.” As soon as I heard it, my heart grew even heavier in my chest.
“You’re good at being alone, Tallis, it’s what you do,” I responded as I turned back to face him. I’d failed to keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks, but at this point, I didn’t even care. I was an emotional person, and there was nothing wrong with that. So what if Tallis couldn’t speak my language? He could go on being the apathetic son of a bitch that he’d always been. “So just keep on doing what you do so well.”
“Nae,” he started, but I was stepping through the door, seeking only to escape.
But what about the shade Alaire sent? I suddenly remembered. Maybe she won’t be able to find you if you leave?
Alaire said he was tracking you through the satellite signal on your phone, I answered myself. So I’m sure he and the shade can keep on tracking you no matter where you are.
Feeling Tallis’s large hand on my shoulder, it felt as if my entire body was withering on the inside. I hated to admit it to myself but I loved the feel of his large hand on my skin. At that moment, what I wanted more than anything else was for him to engulf me in his arms.
I didn’t turn around although I did stop walking. But that was only because he forced me to. “Look at meh,” he demanded.
“What do you want?” I demanded as I turned around and found him studying me intently.
His eyes were narrowed but appeared hollow, as limitless in their deep blue as is the ocean. There was no emotion on his face, nothing to mar the blank mask I was so accustomed to seeing. “Ah left ye aloyn in the tavern ‘cause Ah had tae.”
“You had to? What does that even mean?” I pressed. Moments later, I shook my head and wondered why we were even going through the motions of he said-she said. It didn’t matter anymore. Nothing with Tallis mattered anymore.
“Ah had tae leave because Ah couldnae stay. Ah had tae leave because o’ ye.”
“So it was my fault that you abandoned Bill and me?” I tried to make sense of the statement, but found none because there was no part of it that was truthful. How could I have been the reason that Tallis left Bill and me? I laughed for dramatic effect, as I turned my back to him, tacitly conveying that I was giving up on him as well as the conversation. I just didn’t have the strength or energy to deal with him any longer.
“Nae,” he started.
“There’s no point to any of this, Tallis,” I interrupted him in a soft, beaten voice. “It is what it is.”
“Nae, it wasnae yer fault,” he said, blatantly ignoring my attempt to discontinue the conversation. He tightened his grip on my arm so I couldn’t go anywhere. “Boot ’twas because o’ ye that Ah had tae leave.”
“So you’ve said, Tallis,” I nearly whispered while trying to pull my arm away from him. He wouldn’t release me, which suddenly infuriated me. The whole situation began to infuriate me. “You win! I don’t care anymore and you’ll be happy to know that I’m going to leave you alone from here on out! I’m physically and emotionally too exhausted to deal with more of this!”
“Ah couldnae stand tae be near ye,” he continued, as though he wasn’t even listening to me.
“Great,” I said with mock cheer, even though his words had a much more profound effect on me than I let on. Inside, I was shriveling. His words hurt me unimaginably—making me feel like I was buckling, caving in on myself. I clenched my eyes shut tightly to hold my tears back. It became suddenly extremely important that he not see me crying again. “I’m glad to know you think so highly of me,” I managed finally, striving to retain my cool in front of him.
He doesn’t deserve your tears, I told myself.
“Ye doonae,” he started, but I refused to listen. The pain cut too deeply.
“Just let me go, T
allis,” I interrupted him, pulling with all my strength to make him release me from his iron grasp.
“Nae,” he snapped as he gripped my other arm, holding me in place.
“I’ve heard enough!” I screamed at him. “I get it!” Although I still struggled against him, he continued to hold me until I realized I was just exhausting myself. “Please,” I said, finally, my voice barely a whisper. “You’re hurting me.”
Those three words were the most honest I’d ever said to him.
“Along a gully that runs out of it”
– Dante’s Inferno
SIX
Tallis didn’t say anything for the span of three seconds. Instead, we just stared at each other as if we’d both been turned to stone and could do nothing else. Well, Tallis might have been stone cold and emotionless, but I wasn’t. No, on the contrary, my emotions were engaged on a battleground inside of me, anger and hurt both vying for the starring role. My heart was punctured and bleeding over the injustice of the whole damned situation. I’d stood by Tallis’s side and nursed him back to health, and for what? To discover his total lack of gratitude and then I’d had to listen to him admit that he wanted nothing to do with me? A tornado of disappointment, embarrassment, pain and resentment brewed inside me, threatening everything in its path. I felt like I was seconds away from crumbling, breaking apart, and it was all I could do to keep my tears at bay.
And I didn’t know if I were more upset with Tallis or myself. As far as Tallis was concerned, it wasn’t as though his spots had changed, so why would I have expected him to be anything other than what he’d already demonstrated he was? Why did I suddenly assume he would care about anything or anyone other than himself? I’d always known him as the quintessential loner, one who relied on no one and preferred that no one rely on him. So what could have prompted me to believe that he was really something and someone so different? Deep down, I already knew the answer to the question. I’d believed Tallis was capable of human emotions because I fervently wished he could care for me in the same way I cared for him.
I was a complete and total idiot.
Just because I had feelings for Tallis didn’t mean he had feelings for me or was even capable of them. As soon as that thought entered my head, I felt sick to my stomach. I instantly sought solitude, to be by myself, and hide my own humiliation and disappointment in privacy, as far away from indifferent eyes as it was possible to be. “I … I have to go,” I announced, my throat feeling raw. Tears burned my eyes, threatening to roll down my face, but I furiously blinked them away.
“Ye willnae go oontil ye listen tae meh,” Tallis answered. I glimpsed determination in his narrowed eyes and the way he gritted his teeth. I didn’t understand why, but he appeared unusually driven and purposeful, almost to the point of being angry. I clenched my eyes shut tightly as soon as I felt the sting of my tears.
Don’t cry, Lily! I scolded myself. Don’t you dare break down in front of him! Keep yourself together! Whatever it is he has to say, you’re going to make it through! Just keep your chin up!
I managed to force my tears back and sighed in relief. Opening my eyes, I faced Tallis with an expression of impatience clearly conveyed by my frown and furrowed brow. I figured the sooner I listened to whatever he insisted on telling me, the sooner I could be on my way again to being alone.
“Make it quick,” I snapped, pleased to appear so cool, calm and collected from the outside, even if on the inside it was a completely different story …
“Ah couldnae stand tae be near ye because Ah,” he started, but the words died on his tongue. All the determination he’d exhibited earlier fled just as quickly as his words deserted him. I silently begged him to continue because I didn’t know how much longer I could maintain my façade of strength. He focused on his hands, and seconds later, picked up the trail again. “Ah hated mahself fer actin’ the way Ah did an’ sayin’ the things Ah said tae ye,” he finally managed, exhaling deeply. Then he faced me with an expression of anticipation, as though he expected me to understand whatever he’d just alleged.
While I didn’t fully comprehend his meaning, I was beyond surprised to hear him say he hated himself for anything having to do with me. “Acting the way you did and saying the things you said to me?” I repeated, trying to be more patient with him because there was obviously more he wanted to tell me. I could see it burning in his eyes. “I don’t understand, Tallis,” I managed, matter-of-factly. “Please try to be more specific.”
“This isnae easy fer meh, lass,” he confessed as if I weren’t already very aware that Tallis and language didn’t exactly get along. He ran one of his hands through his short hair and sighed, shaking his head with visible frustration.
“Just take your time,” I offered, trying to be supportive because it was fairly obvious that whatever he had to say wasn’t coming easily. I glanced up at his face and witnessed his knotted brows and tightly drawn lips, which were pressed into a straight white line. Clearly, he’d been trying to formulate his thoughts into words for a while. But unlike me, Tallis had a hard time expressing his feelings. He wasn’t good with emotions; they choked him.
“At the tavern, lass,” he continued. I lifted my eyebrows, urging him to continue being more specific. “In yer bedchamber,” he persisted, clearing his throat when I frowned at him. But his idea of “specific” and mine didn’t even share the same zip code. He took another few seconds to spit the rest of his sentence out. “Ah told ye Ah wanted ye an’ …” he started, his voice dying away again as a red blush flooded his cheeks. I almost wanted to smile, being so unaccustomed to seeing Tallis struggling so hard and looking so uncomfortable. Usually, as the knowledgeable and determined bladesmith, nothing could ever get in his way.
“And?” I prompted him once I worried that the cat really had gotten his tongue.
He sighed again and looked away from me for a few seconds, seeming to gather his words. When he finally faced me again, he wore a look of resolve. “Ah took liberties wif ye that Ah shouldnae have taken.” He spat the words out as if they clung to his tongue like drowning victims and wouldn’t have come out otherwise.
I swallowed hard, remembering the incident he was referencing. I could still see the tavern in the Dark Wood as if it were only yesterday that we were there.
I’d just finished bathing when I heard a knock on my door. When I opened it, Tallis showed himself in. He’d been drinking and I could smell the whiskey on his breath. Seeing me clad in nothing but my towel, he’d waited maybe two seconds before yanking the towel right off me, without so much as a raised brow to ask if he could. But that was just the beginning of our liaison. Seconds later, he’d slipped his fingers between my thighs. But it wasn’t as though I hadn’t welcomed his touch. The pleasure I’d received at his masterful fingers was, in a word, overwhelming.
The only reason we hadn’t had sex was because Tallis had been too inebriated and I hadn’t wanted our first time together to happen like that. I’d imagined having sex with Tallis so many times and, in the course of each waking dream, excessive alcohol and a dirty, noisy tavern never once entered my vision.
Even though I’d eventually turned Tallis down that evening in the tavern, the incident, nevertheless, had burned itself into my memory. And I couldn’t say I hadn’t revisited the memory on numerous occasions. “Whatever happened, happened, Tallis,” I started, wanting to let him know that I was okay with the unpermitted liberties he’d taken with me, and I forgave him. But he shook his head adamantly, indicating he wasn’t finished with the conversation.
“Ah have nae business havin’ any sort o’ feelins fer ye,” he admitted staunchly.
“Feelings?” I repeated, stunned. “For me?” I couldn’t help the surprise that suddenly overcame me. As a rule, Tallis just wasn’t an emotional man, so to hear him admit he had feelings for anything threw me. But to say he had feelings for me? It almost seemed like I was in the midst of a very realistic dream. True, I didn’t know if his feelings were simply
sexual in nature, or more, but I also couldn’t say I really cared. It was enough for me that Tallis thought about me at all, in any capacity. Baby steps, right?
“You can’t help developing feelings for people, Tallis. It’s natural to get close to someone, especially when we have to rely on each other. It’s sort of par for the course, right?” I started, feeling like I was explaining the way life worked to a five-year-old.
But he shook his head again, clearly not buying what I was selling. Then he inhaled deeply, exhaling long and slow several moments later as he faced me with a pensive expression. “Lily …” he started, but silenced himself again.
It was the first time in a long time that he’d said my name and my eyes widened in surprise. I didn’t know why, but I loved the way he said it, how the word dripped off his tongue with familiarity. The way he said my name made it sound like it was comfortable to him, as if it were a name he’d said all his life.
“Yes, Tallis?” I asked, my voice whisper soft.
He swallowed hard, piercing me with his eyes as he focused them on mine. His were unblinking. “Ye are the light.”
All I could feel was shock. At first. Then after a few seconds, the shock gave way to the most intense happiness that I remembered feeling in a very long time. I was the light? I didn’t fully understand what the comment even meant, but the way he said it, and the words he chose were enough to send waves of bliss splashing through me. Reeling inside, amazed and confounded by what Tallis had just admitted, I was speechless. I thought I should probably have said something … anything … but words failed me. And, apparently, I wasn’t the only one, because we both just stood there, staring at one another as if in a shared stupor.
“Tallis,” I said at last, finally finding my tongue. Taking a step toward him, I reached for his hand, but he stepped back from me and pulled both of his hands away, as if the idea of touching me were one that didn’t appeal to him in the least. I frowned in confusion.