I nod, because I’m not sure what else to do. Aaron shoots a very clear look at his dad before saying to me, ‘Why don’t you go to my room? Be there in a minute.’
It’s not really a suggestion, but I’m happy to get out of there. I’ve barely got the bedroom door shut before I can hear Aaron and his dad start to argue downstairs. I put on some music and scroll through my phone. There’s several texts from Mum, asking where I am, which I ignore. Today’s match is far enough away that only Dad was going anyway, so why should she care what I’m doing? There’s a text from Cal, which I quickly reply to, and one from Rachael just saying hi and asking if I’m out with Aaron. I text her back, pleased. Rachael gets it, at least. She doesn’t give me weird crap for having a boyfriend. She likes Aaron.
Still nothing from Esi. We’ve never fallen out for this long before. For a minute I think about sending her a peace offering of some sort, but then I’m not the one who overreacted. Like Aaron says, she needs to apologise to me first.
When he comes in, there’s an odd look on his face. ‘Well, Dad’s officially moving out,’ he says.
‘What? Where to?’ I tense up, wondering what this means for us. What is that look on his face saying? ‘You’re not going back to London, are you?’ I say.
‘London?’ Aaron comes over and puts his arms around me. ‘No way. Never.’
He strokes my hair as my heart races against his chest. My reaction’s taken me by surprise; but Aaron’s threaded through so much of my life these days. He always texts me good morning and goodnight, sometimes even sending me funny or cute messages at 2 a.m. And then there’s the hours we’ve spent here, in this room, so close it’s like we’re one person. Like he completes me, if I was going to get Jerry Maguire about it.
I love that film.
‘I’m staying right here. Literally,’ he says. I pull back to look at him and he’s smiling. ‘Dad’s moving in with C-minus Jack – he was just coming back to grab some more stuff – and he’s said I can stay here until the lease is up, which is another six months.’
‘What’ll happen then?’ I still can’t keep the hint of anxiety out of my voice. It sounds like a different me talking.
‘I’ve got money,’ he says. ‘I’ll rent my own place if he doesn’t want to pay.’
Relief melts through me and I hug him tight.
‘You know, he’s already gone out, so we’ve got the place to ourselves …’ Aaron says.
‘Er … the waxing lady said not to, you know, for a bit,’ I say.
‘That’s OK, we can do other stuff,’ Aaron says. He starts rubbing my shoulders and before I know it my top’s off. Then he takes off the rest of my clothes and when he sees the results of yesterday he’s so into it I don’t want to tell him to stop. It’s kind of sore, but I focus on the feeling of being close to him, how much he fancies me, and when that’s not doing it I just think about all the homework I have totally not done, while I make the right noises. I know it’s a bit fake but, well, Aaron’s so sensitive, he might take me saying stop as a rejection. I don’t want to hurt him or anything like that, so what does it matter if, every once in a while, I’m into it for his sake more than mine?
He finishes and lies on top of me for a bit, whispering, ‘You’re so beautiful. I love you,’ and it makes me feel like I’m going to burst, to know how he feels about me. How cherished I am when he looks at me like that. He could have any girl he wants, but he’s picked me.
‘I love you too.’
And then he swears. ‘Shit. I forgot …’
I look at him and then at the drawer where the condoms are. I’ve still not sorted out going on the pill. I’ve been meaning to, but it just … hasn’t happened. I think my face is doing something suitably horrified. How can I not have noticed?
‘I’m so sorry,’ Aaron’s saying, and he looks so upset I can’t really get angry. ‘We’ll get you the morning after pill.’
A while later, I’ve not even got dressed, because Aaron’s been talking all about how great it’s going to be to have the place to himself properly, how I can sleep over any time. ‘I’d love to wake up to you, not just here –’ he puts one hand on his heart – ‘but actually here, right next to me. I want you to be here with me, all the time.’
‘Me too,’ I say.
‘You could, you know.’ He sits up suddenly, looks at me with such a delighted face. ‘You could move in.’
‘I’m not sure what my parents would say about that,’ I joke. Then my face falls. ‘Probably wouldn’t notice.’
‘Oh, beautiful, come here,’ Aaron says. ‘You know, they’re idiots for not seeing how special you are.’ We hug some more, and then he says, ‘You really could move in. Any time you want. No more football, no worries, just you and me and nothing else.’
‘Well, I’d probably have to go to college some time,’ I joke.
‘Just college then. It’d be amazing.’
It would. I kiss him and he pulls me close.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Aaron
There’s a chorus in my head, singing her name over and over. Thoughts of the way she looked, how it felt to properly be with her, no condom messing up the mood. It makes my heart fill up and overflow until I don’t think I can love anything more. Not ever.
But every time we finish, there’s a part of me that feels lost, like I can only be happy in those moments in bed when she feels like mine, properly mine.
As I drive her to the cafe, Shiney wagging her tail in the boot, I’m thinking about that pill Gem just took and a part of me is sad, because would it be that bad if something happened? I think about her with my baby in her arms, linked to me for the rest of our lives.
‘What are you thinking?’ Gem says as she catches my smile.
‘That I’d love to bring you breakfast in bed,’ I say.
‘Will it be a bacon butty with brown sauce?’ She grins.
‘If you play your cards right.’
She smiles, resting her head back. Then she winces and shifts in her seat.
‘You OK?’
‘Oh! Yeah, I’m more than OK, I’m great,’ she says. But when I’ve come out of the next bend a quick glance at her shows she’s frowning. She must be worried about being late; by the time we’d actually got dressed, we had to floor it to the next town up to get the pill.
I pull my attention back to the road. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll speak to Dora,’ I say.
‘What? Oh, yeah … It’s Esi who’s going to be pissed,’ she says.
‘What’s the deal with her?’ I ask, even though I already know.
‘Who knows.’ Gem says it lightly, but I can tell she’s upset.
‘Well, if she’s really your friend, she’ll apologise and sort it out with you,’ I say.
‘I guess.’
‘Just talk to her,’ I say. ‘She’ll get over herself soon enough and if she doesn’t, she’s not worth it.’
‘Why are you so great?’ Gem says as we pull up.
I go around to open her door, and can’t resist leaning in for another long kiss first. She has to push me off, laughing, in the end.
‘I’m so late.’
And it’s weird, but even the thought of letting her go for an hour or two so she can talk to Esi makes something inside me chasm open. Like she’s a mirage.
I couldn’t bear it if she vanished on me too.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Gemma
Dora’s not happy. ‘Gemma. This is your last chance. If you’re not going to be reliable, I’ll find someone else,’ she says as I run into the cafe, Aaron just behind me.
‘Sorry,’ Aaron says. ‘It’s my fault for losing track of time.’
Dora’s face softens as she looks at him, but then she says, ‘Well, young love or not, get her here on time, OK?’
‘Got it,’ Aaron says.
Esi stands there, winding a tea towel between her hands, tighter and tighter. She doesn’t say a word.
Once Dora’s gone, Aar
on kisses me and then says quietly, ‘I’ll take Shiney up the beach. I’ll come and check on you in half an hour.’
I watch him through the window, loving the way he leans down to pat Shiney as she wags her tail and gazes at him with complete adoration. She sticks like superglue to his side, until he tells her she can run up the beach for a bit. I guess she loves him almost as much as I do.
When I turn around, Esi is still holding that tea towel. I’m about to say something, then I remember what Aaron said about how she should apologise. So I wait. Eventually, she says, ‘What did he mean, he’ll check on you? He has to keep tabs or something?’
‘Actually,’ I say coldly, ‘he was worried about me. Or more precisely, you.’
‘Why? Because I see what he’s doing?’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
This conversation is getting away from me super fast. What happened to her apologising? I heft out a sigh. ‘You’re not going to say sorry, are you?’
‘For what?’ Esi’s almost shouting now. I glance up the cafe to our only customer, an older man lingering over a pot of tea, but he seems deep in his newspaper. I go behind the counter anyway. Esi follows. She looks away, clearly trying to calm down, and says in a quieter voice, ‘I have a right to be angry. If you weren’t so wrapped up in yourself – and him – you’d see that.’
‘Well, I’m sorry you’re upset, but I don’t see why it has to be that big a deal. Loads of people are bi.’
‘Are you serious? You think my parents are going to throw a party if I tell them? Call all my aunties and uncles back in Ghana with the good news? Not to mention church … But you wouldn’t understand anything about that. You’ve never bothered to ask.’
I’m staring at her now because I literally have no idea what to say, except there’s a guilty voice telling me she’s right: I haven’t.
And then, because she seems so angry and because so much has been going on and most of it’s great, but … well, it’s all a lot … Aaron, the audition, the fact that I do miss Esi, but … I feel myself on the verge of crying.
Esi holds her jaw rigid for a moment, but then she lets out a long breath and says, ‘Look. I don’t want to argue. Let’s just leave it all for now.’
Part of me doesn’t want to, because nothing’s resolved, but another part is actually really tired. I guess maybe waking up to texts a couple of times a night is bound to get knackering after a while. And I know I could put my phone on silent, but Aaron was so upset the other day when I didn’t reply to a text because I’d fallen asleep, and I don’t want to see that hurt look on his face, like he’s lost or something. I’ve never known a boy could be so vulnerable before. I know he wouldn’t be like that with anyone but me. It makes me feel wanted, loved.
‘Tell me about him then,’ Esi says on another sigh. ‘You may as well. It’s not like you’ve got anything else going on. Did you actually go to any lessons this week?’
‘Er, yes,’ I say.
Not really.
‘And anyway, I’m doing loads of other stuff,’ I say. I don’t know why I’m feeling so defensive. ‘There’s the competition.’ And I start telling her about the new song and my ideas, and for a while everything feels normal because she’s listening and screwing up her nose and asking what it was like when we got the feedback at the first audition.
‘Well, when Niles started praising my song, I thought I was about to fall over. I mean, wow! How many times do you get someone like that saying they could picture your song on a Nashville stage? I pretty much knew then we’d got through, even though I was so nervous. Cal was great, though, he just gave me this super-chilled look like he totally wasn’t crapping it too – which he was, by the way – and it calmed me right down. He was brilliant. And Aaron too, of course, he was there to support us …’ And somehow saying Aaron’s name seems to divert my flow of thoughts, and before I know it I’ve started telling her how incredible he is, and showing her the necklace. ‘Plus, he says he’s got a surprise for me for my birthday,’ I say.
Esi’s lips have clamped together. I know I’m monopolising the conversation again, but I can’t seem to stop myself talking. ‘I take it you two have slept together?’ she says.
I nod. ‘I would’ve told you but …’ I spread my arms. Esi puts one hand up to her mouth like she’s stopping herself saying something, and I carry on quickly because I don’t want us to start arguing again. ‘Actually, there’s a funny story about why I was late.’ And I tell her how we had to go and get the morning after pill. ‘He’s really thoughtful,’ I say happily.
Esi takes her hand away from her mouth. ‘Shame he forgot about being thoughtful when he was getting his rocks off,’ she says. There’s real venom in her voice.
‘It wasn’t like that, he just gets carried away …’
‘Let me guess. Because you’re just so sexy, he can’t help himself?’ she says sarcastically.
‘We got carried away then. Not just him. Look, just because you’ve never—’
‘You’re right,’ she cuts in. ‘I would never have sex with someone like Aaron. Because I have too much self-respect.’
My mouth drops open, but Esi’s not done. ‘Gemma, have you listened to yourself? Your bar is so low it’s through the floor. You say you’re in love, that you want to move in with him, that he’s your soul mate. Do you know how deluded that is? You’ve known him for a nanosecond, but you’re happy to ditch your friends for him. Cal told me how Aaron will only let you rehearse in college when he’s there too. And now you’re saying you’re having sex and he isn’t even wearing a condom? That’s not love. It’s … I don’t know, like sexual obsession or something. It’s not healthy.’
‘Why are you being such a bitch?’
‘Me? What about—’
‘Hi-hi, girls. How’s it going?’
Aaron’s back. He looks from Esi’s face to mine and says, ‘You all right, Gem?’
‘No.’ My voice is full of tears. ‘I’m leaving.’
I go around the counter. Aaron immediately puts his arm around me.
‘I’m not going to lie for you if Dora asks—’ Esi begins.
‘No one’s asking you to,’ Aaron says coldly. ‘Come on, Gem.’
‘Her name’s Gemma,’ Esi shouts at our retreating backs.
Something about it makes me stop. ‘I’ll be there in a second,’ I say to Aaron. He looks between us, but eventually shrugs and goes outside to untie Shiney.
‘Esi …’
She makes a sharp movement with her hand. ‘I can’t watch this any more, Gemma.’
I take a quick breath and then I turn to leave.
Esi mutters something, just as I’m going through the door. I can’t be totally sure, but I think she’s saying her old catchphrase.
Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
But this time she’s crying.
I walk out without answering.
A while later, I’m all cried out. Aaron drives us up to our usual beach and we walk along the seafront, his arm wrapped around my shoulders, until I feel better. Then we go back up the cliff path, Aaron piggybacking me some of the way.
Once we’re at the car, I realise there’s still half an hour to go before my shift finishes and Dora comes back. I could still make it. Despite what Esi says, she wouldn’t tell Dora, I’m sure of it. I’m also feeling pretty guilty for calling Esi a bitch, even if she was sort of acting like one. ‘I should go back,’ I say.
‘You really don’t need that job.’
‘Yeah, I guess I could get something else.’
‘No. I mean you shouldn’t have to work. I’ve got plenty of money if you need anything. If you want something, let me know and it’s yours.’
‘I can’t just take your money, Aaron,’ I say.
He turns me in my seat to face him, looks into my eyes. ‘Yes, you can. I want you to have things. In fact, here –’ He gets out his phone. ‘What do you want?’
‘Nothing. Just you.’
&
nbsp; He kisses my nose, then pulls back and says, ‘Come on, there must be something. You could do with an upgrade on that.’ He gestures at my phone, which is in my lap.
‘Honestly, don’t worry.’
‘Well, it’s your birthday soon so you’d better let me treat you then,’ Aaron says.
‘Won’t argue with that,’ I say, and we laugh.
‘So no more cafe?’ Aaron says.
‘No more cafe,’ I agree. And it’s like a weight has lifted off me.
But there’s more to come when I get home. For once, Mum’s waiting for me when I get in.
‘Where have you been? You didn’t answer your phone. And when I called the cafe, Esi said you weren’t there.’
I take her in, how she’s looking all fake concerned for me, and suddenly all the anger I’ve been holding from earlier fizzes up. ‘I was out,’ I say.
‘Who with? Esi said you were with your boyfriend? What boyfriend?’
I take it back. Esi is totally being a bitch. She’s stitched me up on purpose. I manage to force out a laugh. ‘Does she mean Cal? Oh my God, Mum – as if! We were just rehearsing for the audition. But he’s not my boyfriend.’
Mum’s face relaxes. ‘Oh, Callum? OK then. But you really should have texted me back.’
‘Sorry, Mum,’ I say. To my surprise she gives me a hug. It feels oddly squashy.
‘I had a boyfriend at your age, you know.’ She smiles.
‘Urgh, I don’t need the gory details about you and Dad.’
‘I’m not talking about your father.’
This is interesting. I’m about to ask her to tell me more, when Dad comes in.
‘You’re late,’ he says.
I bite back a reply along the lines of I didn’t think he’d notice – I’m actually a bit surprised he did – but Mum jumps in: ‘Oh, she was doing some extra studying.’
‘Good, good,’ Dad says vaguely, reaching into the fridge to pull out a can of lager, while I stare at Mum like she’s just told me she’s taking up rally driving. She winks at me and nods for me to go upstairs so I make my escape.
I Hold Your Heart Page 14