Everyone looks up and says hi.
‘Long time no see,’ Beth says, not in a horrible way.
‘Hi, guys …’ I say, but trail off, distracted because I’ve just seen Aaron coming through the door.
‘Hey, if you’re not into it, pass him to me,’ Rachael says, with what’s pretty much a leer on her face.
I grin properly this time. I can’t lie, it feels good knowing she wants what I have. Then she’s yelling, ‘Hey, Romeo, your girl’s here,’ and I’m nudging her to shut up because suddenly I realise Aaron might not have wanted me to tell her about last night. I say a fast goodbye to Rachael and go to intercept Aaron before she can say anything else to him.
Aaron gives me a kiss, then says, ‘Sorry about this morning, I had to have a little lie-in.’ His hair is still wet from his shower and he smells really great.
‘How come you look so perky?’ I say, a little grumpily.
Aaron shrugs. ‘I never sleep more than four hours. That’s all you really need. All this bollocks about eight hours is a total myth,’ he says.
Doesn’t feel that mythical to me, but I make myself smile back because I don’t want him thinking I’m moaning. Why do I feel like I need about ten?
We’re just going over to the football table when Mr Bowyer, the College Manager, looms in front of me.
Crap.
‘Ms Bellfine,’ he says. Urgh. I got the ‘Ms’. This is not a good sign.
‘Hello!’ I reply, too bright.
‘You’re due in my office in two minutes, I think?’
Aaron’s looking between us. I haven’t had time to tell him about the letter yet. ‘You want me to come with you?’ Aaron says.
‘I think she can manage on her own,’ Mr Bowyer says. I pull a face at Aaron from behind Mr Bowyer’s departing back and trail after him, feeling seven rather than seventeen, painfully aware of people watching and whispering. I look the other way as I pass the old gang, but not fast enough to miss the fact that Esi’s there too now and she’s looking over with a serious expression.
It’s not good news in Mr Bowyer’s office.
‘We expect your attendance to be ninety per cent, minimum,’ Mr Bowyer starts. Then he gives me the whole spiel about commitment and working hard. ‘You had a good report from your school and your GCSEs are solid, so you have an excellent foundation, if you put in the effort.’
I nod along, trying to look contrite but I can’t keep my mind from wandering.
‘… anything at home I should be aware of?’
I tune back in. ‘Sorry? Um, no. It’s all fine,’ I say.
‘Well, then. Sort out your priorities. If your attendance doesn’t pick up immediately, then we’ll need to assess whether this is the right place for you. And you also need to catch up on every single lesson you’ve missed, and any work set outside the classroom too. I’ll be speaking with all your tutors in two weeks but until then consider yourself on probation.’
I gape at him. I mean, I know it’s been bad, missing a few classes, but he’s talking about kicking me out! I can’t find the words to defend myself, so instead I let him usher me from the office and then I run upstairs to Psychology.
My phone goes three times in the lesson, but I manage to sit and actually take notes rather than looking at it.
Aaron’s waiting for me outside, but as soon as I’ve kissed him quickly, I say, ‘I have to get to Biology.’
‘Ahh, you can be a bit late.’
‘No, I really can’t,’ I say. I tell him about what Mr Bowyer said.
Aaron gives a low whistle. ‘That’s harsh.’
I nod, feeling suddenly so miserable and tired, I don’t know what to do. Aaron puts his arm around me. ‘It’s OK, I’ll help you study. Come on,’ and he pulls me along the corridor and into Biology.
The next two weeks pass in a blur of studying. I have to go to all my tutors and apologise and get the work I missed, which is totally cringeworthy. But slowly I work my way through it all. I’d never manage without Aaron: he says he blames himself for taking up all my time, so now he sits over me and makes sure I study, even when I’m so tired I can barely see the paper. We start spending every free period together: in a corner of the library, at a coffee shop a short drive away. Then we go to his house and do another couple of hours after school, as well as during my pretend shifts at the cafe over the weekend. Mum and Dad just accept I’m at Rachael’s or Cal’s.
It’s like Aaron says: if I’m going to be in the shadows for them, I might as well take advantage of it.
Aaron’s keeping me so busy that I somehow kind of forget the regional final is coming up. Or I push it to the back of my mind, at least. So it’s a shock to realise there’s days to go and me and Cal still haven’t rehearsed a third song properly.
I’m at Aaron’s house on the last Friday of my two weeks’ catch-up time. It’s already dark outside and he’s going to have to drive me home soon. I close my Psychology textbook with a long sigh and look at Aaron across the little table. ‘That’s it, I’m all caught up.’
‘Well done, baby,’ he says, and comes over to give me a long kiss.
After a few moments, I pull away.
‘What is it?’
I look at him, ‘The audition’s in less than a week.’
Aaron frowns for a second, then says, ‘You still going to do it with Cal?’
‘Yes – I told you, I can’t change it now,’ I say, struggling to keep my voice light. It’s been a long couple of weeks.
‘No.’ He looks far away. ‘I suppose not.’
Chapter Thirty-Three
Gemma
The next day, I knock on Rachael’s door early.
I had to send about twenty grovelling texts to Cal, but we eventually set up a time to meet. We’re using Rachael’s house so we don’t disturb Cal’s mum.
Rachael opens the door. ‘Jesus, you look like you need to go back to bed for about ten years.’
‘Thanks.’
She gives me an uncharacteristically concerned look for a second, then her face clears. ‘You’ve been up doing filthy stuff with you-know-who, haven’t you?’
I see Cal standing behind her. ‘Hey,’ I say. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. It’s just …’
‘Shall we rehearse then?’ Cal sounds stiff.
I follow them inside. ‘Aaron’s picking me up in an hour,’ I say.
It stays weird for the first ten minutes, but Cal soon softens, especially once we’ve done some silly warm-up exercises, including the duck voices.
By the end, we’re laughing. ‘Right. Now we’ve got our twang on, shall we go?’ I say.
We run through ‘Sea Dreams’, which sounds great, as always, then the more upbeat number, which works well after a few adjustments. It’s the new song, ‘Give’, I’m the most worried about.
I play it to Cal, showing him the music, the bits where he comes in.
Cal nods when I finish. ‘Wow. I like it. I mean, it’s got an edge compared to your usual stuff. Beautiful, but, like … darker, you know?’
I look at him in surprise. I hadn’t thought of it that way.
‘Where did you get the idea from?’ Cal says thoughtfully. I hesitate. It’s about me and Aaron, but that feels somehow private.
‘Oh, you know …’ I say.
Cal’s still looking at me as though he wants to say something else, but then he smiles. ‘Shall we give it a try?’
We run through it and Cal seems to get straight away the intensity I was looking for. After another few times through, we’ve got it down. I sit back, relief rushing through me.
‘That went OK, actually,’ I say.
‘Well, I think it sounds amazing,’ Rachael says, and she’s not taking the piss. ‘You’re like a dark Taylor Swift singing that.’
That wasn’t entirely what I was going for, but I know she means it as a compliment. ‘Thanks,’ I say.
I check my phone, see several messages from Aaron and hold in a sigh. ‘I ne
ed to go. We’re good for next Saturday though?’
‘I think so,’ Cal says. He looks at Rachael. ‘I’ve got to go too. Mum.’
She nods, and I see a look pass between them that seems kind of private. I gather up my guitar and music, and walk Cal to the bus stop, keeping one eye out for Aaron’s car.
‘I’m glad we rehearsed,’ I say to Cal, and he nudges my shoulder.
‘Just next time don’t leave it so late, Gemma.’
It’s a slight shock to hear him say my full name. I’ve got so used to ‘Gem’.
I smile to cover it up. ‘OK, Callington Cal-Cal.’ He laughs and I do too, realising suddenly how much I’ve missed him. Then I see Aaron’s car coming up the road towards us. I stop laughing and step away from Cal. Aaron pulls up and opens his window.
‘Hey, Aaron,’ Cal says.
‘Hi.’ Aaron gives him a smile, but I notice his eyes seem kind of tight around the edges.
‘Uh … I’ll see you later,’ I say to Cal.
He touches my arm. ‘That new song is something special. You’re going through to the national final, I can feel it.’
‘Thanks.’ I smile. Then I load my guitar into the backseat of Aaron’s car and get into the front.
As soon as I lean over to kiss him, I know he’s upset. ‘Hey? You OK?’ I say.
‘Yeah, fine,’ Aaron says in a voice that is definitely not fine. He accelerates away, me still trying to get my seatbelt on. We drive in silence back to his place and I feel my heart starting to pound. I know what’s coming.
By the time we’ve shut the front door to the flat and sat down, I’m braced for Aaron to yell, to say I was flirting with Cal.
But he doesn’t. He puts his hands over his face and starts to cry. Big sobs, shoulders shaking, the works.
I’m so shocked I do nothing for a moment, and then I go over and touch his rigid shoulder. ‘Aaron?’
Slowly Aaron takes his hands away to look at me. There’s so much in his gaze, but above all, this awful look of betrayal.
‘Is this about Cal?’
He gives a short laugh.
‘You know I don’t think that way about him, don’t you? Of course you do. I love you.’ I try one of my confident smiles but it wobbles. I hate seeing Aaron like this.
‘And do you think that’s what Cal thinks? Because it didn’t look like it, the way he was touching you.’
I open my mouth. There’s a part of me that wants to scream, He’s just a friend, that’s all.
‘I just … I can’t trust you. Do you know how awful it is to feel like you can’t trust the person who has your heart?’ Aaron says.
I want to hold him and reassure him, anything to get that look off his face. And then, with a flash of guilt, I remember the other week, that feeling when Cal didn’t sit on the bus with me. How pleased I was to see him today. Aaron knows me better than anyone. What if he’s seen something I haven’t? But I love him – Aaron. Not Cal.
‘I love you, Aaron.’ I say it out loud. And we both hear that question in my voice.
His eyes are saying, Prove it.
There’s another long pause, and then I hear myself say, ‘I won’t go to the audition. It doesn’t matter to me anyway.’
Gradually the desperate look fades out of Aaron’s eyes, and then he reaches out to me. ‘You’d do that?’
I force everything I have, every bit of conviction I can, into my voice. ‘Of course.’
I feel like I’m barely breathing.
‘Come here.’ I get up and he pulls me roughly into his lap. Then he’s kissing me, hard. He pulls back, leaving me breathless. ‘I knew you were different, I did. It’s just been so hard for me …’
‘I know. But it’s you. It’s us. “As you wish”, OK?’
He nods. His Adam’s apple bobs in his throat.
I rub one finger on his wet cheek and we both smile a little. Then I whisper it again.
‘As you wish.’
Chapter Thirty-Four
Aaron
She keeps her word. I check, but she ignores all of Cal’s increasingly frantic messages through the week. And slowly I begin to relax, to feel that trust building between us again.
Jonny’s his usual dickish self in college. Him and Binners are still taking the piss about Gem’s ‘rehearsals’ with Cal, but I laugh it all off. I can’t even be bothered to tell them she’s given up the songwriting comp for me. That’s how much she loves me. The thought of it’s like liquid gold, a precious gift I keep close to my heart. My heart that holds hers. Hers that could do so much to shatter mine. But she doesn’t waver. I know she’ll do the competition next year, on her own. She’s so much better as a solo singer anyway.
On the Friday before the audition, I get her to tell her parents she’s at Rachael’s and she stays at mine. We get a takeaway and then stay up most of the night talking and making love, and it’s almost as perfect as it was in the beginning, when the world was me and her, and no one and nothing else to get between us.
I drive her down to her house early in the morning. Her brother’s got a home game and she says she has to go, that her brother and her parents want her there. It’s pathetic really, but it makes me love her more, how she still tries to get their approval, even though she knows the painful truth now: they’ll always prefer Michael, they’ll never put her first. How I understand that. Except my own mother didn’t even have the excuse of blood before she threw me under the bus because of Cherine. She chose to believe Cherine’s lies over her own son. Because that’s what they did best, after all – Cherine, my mother: betrayal.
But not Gem. She’s the one. Someone better. I know I can make her see that she doesn’t need any of them. We don’t need anyone else.
I watch the morning light catching her hair, the way she moves, how she stops and blows me a kiss before she rounds the corner, my chest expanding with happiness.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Gemma
My smile fades after I blow Aaron a kiss, to be replaced by a heavy feeling as I go through the front door. I run straight upstairs to grab a jumper. When I get back down, Mum’s standing in the kitchen, gazing out into nothing.
‘Hi, Mum.’
Mum blinks, like she was somewhere far away, and takes me in. ‘You’re coming to the match?’
‘Oh, yeah, thought I would.’
‘What about your audition? Isn’t that today?’
Now it’s my turn to look surprised. ‘Umm, yes, but I’m not going. I’ve decided it’s not for me after all.’
Mum frowns. ‘I thought you wanted to go?’
Michael appears, followed by Dad, and I let Dad hustle us all off into the car. It’s easy to let Dad take over the conversation, but when we start setting up at the side of the pitch, Mum comes to stand next to me.
‘You haven’t seen much of Esi recently,’ she says.
Jeez. Why does Mum have to pick the worst possible day to decide she actually wants to know about my life?
‘Been busy with college,’ I say.
‘And the cafe,’ Mum says. There’s something probing about her voice I don’t recognise.
I drift over to Dad and set him going with a comment about the opposition while Mum hovers on the other side of him.
About ten minutes into the match, I’m just starting to relax when someone comes up behind me and pokes me right between the shoulder blades.
‘Hey!’ I turn around and stop.
Cal’s standing there, looking royally pissed off. ‘Hey yourself,’ he says.
I glance at Mum, who’s looking over at us, then walk off to the side where I collapse into a chair. Cal follows and stands in front of me, his arms crossed. ‘What the hell’s going on? I’ve been calling and texting. Why haven’t you picked up?’ He stares down at me. ‘You’re not coming, are you?’
I open my mouth, but I have nothing to say. Whatever I do, it seems I’m letting someone down.
‘I thought we were friends,’ Cal says.
&
nbsp; I take a deep breath. ‘I am your friend. It’s just … complicated.’ How can I make Cal understand what it’s like, with Aaron?
‘I’m not thick, Gemma. Everyone’s worried about you. Ever since you started seeing Aaron, you’re like a totally different person. He doesn’t want you to go, does he?’
I’m trying to find a way to explain, without raising my voice in case Mum overhears. She’s standing a way away, but then she’s got supersonic ears. ‘It’s not that … It’s just complicated.’
‘Yeah, you said that already. But actually, it’s very simple. You say to my face you don’t want to go, right now, and I’ll drop it. You tell me this isn’t the opportunity you’ve been waiting for, maybe one that will never come again. Who knows if they’ll run this competition next year. Did you know The Greenwoods’ manager is one of the judges today?’
A massive jolt goes through me. The Greenwoods’ manager! I would give almost anything to sing my songs in front of her. How come I didn’t know? Then another, uneasy pulse goes through me as I realise that I would have, a few months ago.
‘Tell me you don’t want to go. Tell me you want to give this chance up.’
He waits.
I look him in the eye, but I can’t make myself say the words. I made a promise to Aaron. But … it’s been my dream for such a long time, to become a singer-songwriter. I stand there, feeling like something’s tearing me down the middle.
‘You can’t say it. Because it’s not true. Come with me. Don’t throw it away over some guy. That’s not you, not the Gemma I know.’
‘I can’t,’ I say, and my voice feels foreign. ‘I don’t know how to …’
Tell Aaron.
I say instead, ‘I have nothing to wear, and I don’t have my guitar. I’m sorry, Cal. But I’ve made up my mind.’
Cal shuts his eyes for a second. Then he opens them and gives me a long look. ‘OK, I’ll tell you what. My brother is here with his car and my guitar. Rachael, too – which I’ll tell you about another time – but she’s got a couple of dresses and make-up and stuff, and we’re leaving in ten minutes, with or without you. I think you want to come, in fact I know it. And you do too.’
I Hold Your Heart Page 16