And yet a part of me can’t bring myself to admit it. To see how wrong I was. I could take my revenge. Maybe I should. I still have those photos in the Cloud. A few quick messages to Jonny and Binners would be all that’s needed.
And still.
I don’t.
Not yet.
Something inside is telling me to wait, as though there’s still a chance, a way to fix this. Because if I let her break me like Cherine did, like Mum did, I might stay broken for good.
These thoughts all go through my mind as though there’s another Aaron whispering them to me, and it’s not until I get to the flat that I know why.
I feel her before I see her, huddled with her arms around herself outside the entrance, her face streaked with old tears and mascara, deathly white in the fluorescent light coming from the lobby.
She looks so small. So fragile. And part of me loves her still, and part of me hates her for it.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Gemma
‘Thank God you’re OK.’ That’s the first thing I say. Aaron looks as bad as I feel, which is saying something. After I ran away, down the track, I called him, again and again, and each time he didn’t pick up, I started getting more scared he’d done something terrible to himself. It feels like days have passed out here. There’s no one else I want to talk to. Esi’s out of the question. Underneath my exhaustion there’s a bubble of anger at her growing because she’s the one who started all this, telling Mum about Aaron. If she hadn’t, we wouldn’t have argued and then Michael …
I squeeze my eyes shut as that cracking noise sounds in my head again.
‘I had to see you,’ I say.
Aaron looks down at me and I can’t read his expression at all.
‘Please? Just talk to me. That’s all I’m asking,’ I say.
He leans across and unlocks the door, then steps past me without a word, but he doesn’t shut it. I unlace my stiff fingers from around my knees and pull myself up. Everything aches; my elbow, my fist, my legs. My heart.
I pull the door closed quietly behind me and walk slowly into the flat.
Aaron’s sitting at the kitchen table, his fingers resting on top of it. Opposite him is a chair, pulled out a little. I sit in it, across from him, and wait. Moonshine whines quietly from the corner, her tail moving in a greeting to me, but she quiets at a look from Aaron.
‘Tell me. I want to hear it from you. But if you lie, even once, then that’s it,’ Aaron says, his voice eerily calm.
And so I do. I tell him about Cal coming to the match, how he talked me into going to the audition. Aaron doesn’t react when I explain Cal and Rachael are a thing now. I tell him about the audition, and going home, and the fight with Dad, and then Michael falling … I have to gulp back tears as I do. Aaron makes a movement with his hand, as if to comfort me then, but stops himself.
Finally, I say how I walked to his flat. ‘I know you might need time, but … I can wait.’
‘Where?’ Aaron says now, and it’s the first time I’ve seen some colour come back into his face.
‘I don’t …?’
‘Where will you wait? You can’t go back to your parents, can you?’
‘No … I – I thought … if you’ll have me, I want to stay here. With you.’
Aaron sits back and considers me. I chew on my bottom lip, trying to meet his eyes, but they’re so dark and unreachable.
‘Maybe. But first I need to tell you a few things,’ Aaron says. And then it’s his turn to talk. It feels like hours go by, with me sometimes crying, sometimes apologising, as Aaron explains what is was like for him, to find out I’d lied. What a betrayal it was. But eventually his voice slows and then stops. I’m so exhausted I can barely see.
And then … and then he reaches one hand across the table, and his fingers, touching mine, feel like pure salvation. ‘I think …’ he says after a long silence, looking down at our hands, ‘I want to try.’
I let my breath out so hard I think I might be sick.
‘I want to try to forgive you,’ Aaron adds. ‘But it’s going to take some time.’
I nod.
‘You’ll never speak to him again?’
‘Of course not! No, never, I promise.’
Aaron lets out a sigh, too, then looks me in the eyes, and this time I see the old Aaron, my Aaron. ‘Come here,’ he says.
The relief is so huge, I practically fly around the table and collapse into his arms and then I’m crying and crying, and Aaron’s stroking my hair and kissing me and holding me and whispering it’ll be OK, how we’ll find a way through together, as long as I prove he can trust me again.
‘Of course I will, I will,’ I say between sobs, and he kisses my tears.
Then, I pull him into the bedroom.
Chapter Forty
Gemma
I wake a couple of hours later. Aaron’s still asleep. I’m sore from earlier – not just from at home, but from sitting on the step and also because Aaron was … It wasn’t gentle make-up sex. But then I remember after, when we cuddled and he told me he loved me. The closeness of him. I go over to stand by the window, look out into the dark. You can’t see the sea from here, but that’s OK. I’m with Aaron and he forgives me and that’s all that matters.
I slide into bed and push my body as close to Aaron’s as I can, feeling the warmth of him. Tomorrow I’ll make a start on getting him to trust me again, and one day all this will be like a horrible dream.
‘I love you,’ I whisper into his sleeping ear.
Aaron mutters something and shifts in his sleep, one arm falling so that it’s resting heavily across me.
‘Gem. Wake up. Someone’s here.’ I wake slowly. It feels like I’ve barely had two hours’ sleep, but it’s light outside. I look for my phone to check out the time, but it’s not where I left it on the bedside cabinet. ‘You need to get dressed,’ Aaron says from the doorway.
I half fall out of bed and struggle into my clothes while Aaron watches. ‘Who’s here?’ I say.
‘The police.’ Aaron’s voice is grim.
‘Why?’ For a panicked second I think it must be because of Michael. But that was an accident. ‘What do they want?’
‘Your parents reported you’d run off. I think they’re doing some check. Don’t worry, you just need to tell them it’s all fine,’ he says.
‘OK …’ I still feel a bit dazed as I walk into the living room. Two police officers are sitting there, a man and a woman. The woman smiles when she sees me.
‘Are you Gemma?’
‘Ye-es.’
‘Take a seat. Can we have a few minutes alone?’ she says to Aaron.
I exchange a look with him, and somehow I know this is going to be the first test. I have to persuade the police officers to leave.
So I summon up Confident Gemma, and she’s a little ragged around the edges but seems to work on the policeman, at least. I explain how I’m staying with Aaron for a bit, how I’ve fallen out with my parents, but I’m safe and happy here.
The policeman’s ready to go after five minutes; his face says he has better things to do with his time. ‘Well, as you’re seventeen, we wouldn’t usually … We can’t make you go back home. But maybe speak to your folks, eh? Don’t let a little spat fester.’
Spat. I remember Cal, joking about Queer Eye, what feels like a century ago.
‘Oh yeah, sure, I will,’ I say.
The policeman’s already standing up. But his colleague leans forward, glances at the door to the kitchen which is slightly ajar, and says, ‘Are you happy in your relationship?’
‘Oh yes, very,’ I give her my biggest smile.
‘Nothing that concerns you?’
‘No, not at all. We’re really happy,’ I say.
She looks at the door again, and then nods. ‘Well, OK. But if you need to, there are organisations I could signpost you to. Just for a little independent advice,’ she adds.
‘I don’t think I’d need that,’ I say firmly.
I can see she’s about to ask me something else, so I raise my voice a bit and say, ‘Aaron? I think the officers are going now.’
A moment later he comes in and we see them off, smiling. When the door’s shut, Aaron kisses me. ‘I can’t believe your parents sent the cops round. It’s not like they were bothered before, is it? You’d think they’d want to see you happy,’ he begins.
I’m still staring at the blank face of the closed door.
‘I mean, did they even try to call you first? Talk about an overreaction.’
I need to check Michael’s OK. ‘Hey, you seen my phone?’ I say as we go back to the living room.
Aaron goes into the kitchen, then comes back holding it.
I blink twice. ‘I thought I took it to bed last night?’
‘Nope, you left it here.’
Did I? I was so tired … still am. I let out a gigantic yawn. Aaron comes over with a blanket and tucks it around me. ‘I’m getting you a hot chocolate,’ he says as he hands me my phone. I take it with a grateful smile and snuggle in under the soft grey wool of the blanket.
While he’s making the hot chocolate, I quickly scan my phone. There’s no texts from Esi, or Cal, thank goodness, and only one from Mum:
It’s a clean break so we’re hoping.
I look again, thinking I’ve missed something, but that’s it. No kisses, no asking where I am, or if I’m coming home. When I show the text to Aaron he sighs.
‘They didn’t even want to talk to you face to face. Imagine if the police took you home.’
‘Yeah, so they could ground me forever and not speak to me,’ I say. I’m trying to sound upbeat, like I don’t care, but before I can stop them, a couple of tears run down my cheeks.
‘Oh, baby, come here.’ Aaron gathers me, blanket, hot chocolate and all, into his lap. ‘You don’t need them anyway. We’ve got each other now.’
Chapter Forty-One
Aaron
It’s a fresh start. I watch her sleeping under the blanket, her hands curled up against her chest. The way her breathing sounds. That urge to touch her, to shake her awake, to make sure, rises in me. I go into the kitchen, drink a glass of water.
It should be this way, just us, only us. Everything will be like it was before. Better, even. She sighs in her sleep, shifts so the blanket slips off one shoulder, and I see her phone nestled in her hand. I take the phone and put it on the coffee table, then tuck the blanket around her, kiss her forehead.
Back to the kitchen. Laptop’s open on the side. I do a bit of coding. Think about money. I’ve started doing some investing. When you get enough, it can grow without you looking: interest rates and share prices. And it can disappear on you too, if you’re not watching hard enough.
I keep working.
She sleeps on, oblivious to my third cup of coffee, the jitter running through me.
So peaceful.
I think about the cops, about the texts and WhatsApps on her phone. She doesn’t need her family and so-called friends hassling her, putting confusing crap into her head.
My eyes go back again and again to that square of metal on the coffee table. It lights up once more.
She sleeps on, peacefully.
The message is from Esi. If I didn’t think she was a bitch before, I do now. I hit delete without pausing.
Then I watch my arm raise high, like it has its own momentum, until the phone is over my head.
My fingers release.
The phone takes its time falling, spiralling over and over like a coin deciding whether it’s heads or tails. So it’s really the phone’s decision, in a way, to shatter its own screen, not mine. It could’ve landed face up. Gem wakes with a start as I crouch down to pick it up.
‘Shit, Gem, I’m sorry. It must’ve slipped out as you were sleeping. Why didn’t you have a screen protector on it?’
She’s half awake, looking at her spider-web phone, gazing blearily up at me. I take the phone from her. ‘Don’t cut yourself on it. We’ll get you another one. Actually, I’ve got an old one you can have. We’ll sort it.’
‘OK.’ Her voice is sleep-filled, confused. I slide on to the sofa next to her.
‘I’ll get you everything you need, don’t worry. This is the beginning of something new, just you and me.’
I pull the blanket tight around us.
Chapter Forty-Two
Gemma
If I’d known how easy it was to move out, I would’ve done it way sooner. We spend the best day in Plymouth, shopping for new … well, everything. By the time we’re finished, we look like one of those paparazzi shots you get of celebrities with arms full of bags from exclusive shops. I’ve got new bras, pants – loads of those – and jeans, shoes, make-up. It’s like being on Queer Eye or something, with Aaron standing in for the Fab Five.
I’m shattered by the time we get back, but Aaron helps me unpack my stuff into a space he makes in the wardrobe in his room – our room. The thought of it gives me a thrill.
Later, I go into the kitchen where he’s working on the laptop. I want to do something to pay him back, apart from the sex of course, which Aaron jokes is all the payment he needs. I start looking through the cupboards.
‘Whatcha doing?’ Aaron says. I love the way that smile is back on his face, how he’s looking at me like he did before. It’s like being in a warm bath, safe and relaxed.
‘You have zero food in here,’ I say, laughing.
‘We’ll order takeaway.’
‘But I want to cook for you … I’ll go and get something in Tesco …’ I break off because I’ve realised I don’t have any money. I left everything at home – at Mum and Dad’s and Michael’s house – except my phone, which I’ve managed to break, and it feels a bit weird asking Aaron for cash to cook him a thank-you dinner. Plus, for a moment there’s an expression on his face, this hardening, like he’s afraid. Then he taps on his laptop and brings up an online menu.
‘Chinese?’ he says.
Later, when I’ve got rid of the leftovers and washed up, we sit on the sofa looking for something to watch. It feels weird not being able to check my phone. I wonder for a bit whether I could Sellotape the screen, but Aaron’s worried I could cut myself on it, and anyway, I’ve got an old PAYG of his, which is fine for now, I guess. It’s not like I’ve got anyone I want to call anyway.
We put Netflix on, and Aaron finds some sci-fi thing. It’s not really what I’d watch, but Aaron seems totally into it, so we watch four episodes. Just as the countdown begins to the next one, I say, ‘I think I might go to bed. College tomorrow.’
Aaron doesn’t look away from the screen.
‘Aaron? I’m going to bed,’ I say.
‘We can’t leave it there!’ Aaron says. He’s like a little boy, all excited. I can’t see the appeal myself; it’s obvious the man who’s pretending to be a human is actually one of the aliens, but I let Aaron pull me in close to him for a snuggle.
Three more episodes later, it’s 2 a.m. and I really need to get to bed. I can barely stop yawning long enough to brush my teeth with my new toothbrush. I give the Gemma in the mirror a quick smile as I’m brushing.
When Aaron reaches for me in bed, I move away. ‘I’m knackered,’ I say.
‘OK,’ Aaron says and rolls over. But just as I’m almost asleep, he rolls back and starts again.
‘Oi,’ I whisper.
‘Can’t help it, you’re too sexy,’ he says.
I sit up. ‘Seriously. We’ve got to get up in, like, four hours or something.’ I am properly pissed off now.
I feel Aaron freeze beside me, then he says, ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to hassle you or something,’ and there’s so much hurt in his voice. ‘I just wanted to be close. After everything that’s happened …’ He trails off.
Guilt and something else crawl through me. Annoyance maybe? But this is not how I want things to go when we’ve only just found each other again. So I kiss him and coax him back into it and, well, we don’t get much sleep that night.
>
Which is possibly why I’m in a real grump as Aaron drives me into college the next day, though I’m trying not to be. We’re running late and it’s just occurred to me I don’t have any of my textbooks or work because they’re all at home. There’s no time to stop by the refectory and see everyone, because I’m still basically on probation, so Aaron runs me up to my first class, which is awkward because it’s Psychology and usually I’d sit next to Cal. I make sure to choose a desk at the front and not even look Cal’s way, before waving to Aaron through the glass portion of the door.
‘Are we in the room or outside?’ my tutor says to me.
‘Sorry,’ I say.
When the lesson finishes, I bolt for the door, where Aaron’s waiting again.
At lunch, we’re on our way out of college to go to the beach, when I see the old gang across the car park. Cal’s gesturing to Esi, who looks over. She raises one hand, as if to wave or beckon to me, but I turn away. A moment later, I hear Rachael calling my name. I exchange a look with Aaron. He’s never liked Rachael, because of the whole club night thing and also probably now because of Cal, so I hesitate, then throw back a quick ‘Hiya!’ and keep walking.
But Rachael jogs over. ‘Hiya yourself,’ she says. Then she looks at Aaron. ‘You mind if I talk to Gemma for a second?’
I don’t like the way she says it. ‘Whatever you want to say to me, you can say in front of Aaron.’
Rachael gives a tiny snort, which makes me want to slap her. But Aaron says, ‘Hey, it’s OK. I’ll wait in the car. See you later, Rachael.’ He gives her a smile and me a quick kiss, and moves away.
‘So, what do you want?’ I say. I don’t mean for it to come out quite so rudely, but I’m exhausted. Rachael doesn’t seem bothered though.
‘You’ve run away from home?’ she says.
‘Bloody hell, I’m not twelve. I’ve moved in with Aaron, yes,’ I say.
‘Bit fast, wasn’t it?’
‘Like you and Cal?’ I shoot back.
Rachael laughs. ‘Cal’s nothing like Aaron. You know it, too. Look. I’ve got no skin in this, but as your friend I’m telling you this one time that you’re making a huge mistake. He’s controlling.’
I Hold Your Heart Page 18