The poem’s by e.e. cummings and it’s called ‘i carry your heart with me’.
Not ‘hold’. It was never ‘hold’. I’d already thought as much, but the words seem to stab something deep inside me.
I read the poem and lie back on Esi’s bed to think. Did he quote it differently on purpose or realise he’d misquoted it but feel too embarrassed to say? Aaron never liked to admit he was wrong. Which parts did he mean, truly? It’s the sort of question that can drive you crazy. Then I realise it doesn’t matter. The end result was the same. And I’m not sure I even like the correct version anyway. Who could ever live up to all that love?
‘One of these days you need to stop picking it all apart,’ Esi says.
‘I know. It’s like, if I can understand why he did what he did, maybe it’s not … it wasn’t my fault.’
‘The thing is, you might never know. He might never know. And anyway, like they say, an explanation is not an excuse. You don’t owe him any forgiveness for what he did.’ And she holds my gaze.
‘I know,’ I say simply. I’m done trying to puzzle it out, at least for now.
‘So go tonight. Maybe I’ll come too,’ Esi says.
Which is how I find myself in an old church hall, in the middle of a community choir, sandwiched between my dad and my best friend while the music starts.
Dad comes in first with the tenors. And he can sing. Esi and I exchange startled looks, then she comes in with the altos. She, well, can’t sing, but she’s giving it everything she’s got anyway.
It’s nearly my turn. I don’t know if I can. I don’t even know if I want to.
The music rises, every voice filling the tiny hall. I want to run suddenly, maybe to Aaron, maybe far out to sea. Maybe to whatever future is waiting for me. The one I’m going to have to build by myself.
For a moment, I’m back on the beach holding on to a pinpoint of light. The choir’s song swirls around me and still I don’t know whether to join it. And then the moment’s here and there’s no time left to decide.
I hear past Gemma, Confident Gemma, squealing, ‘Geronimo!’ as Esi laughs by her side. I feel the notes in the pit of my stomach, a sea of stories waiting for me. If I’m brave enough to sing them.
Am I?
I close my eyes and take a long breath in.
Afterword
I Hold Your Heart has not been an easy book to write. I set out to tell the story of one young woman’s experience of coercive and controlling abuse, but the thing that struck me most forcefully while doing the research for this book was just how common Gemma’s experience is.
Coercive and controlling behaviour can take many forms, from isolating and monitoring a person, to more overt violence and aggression, such as when Aaron breaks Gemma’s guitar. While Aaron displays some worrying behaviour relatively early on in the book, the warning signs are all too often easy to miss, as Gemma’s experience illustrates. It is also something that often creeps up over time, and can happen to anyone.
I had to make some difficult decisions over what to depict in the book, and by far the hardest was the issue of sexual assault and coercion. Towards the end of the novel, Aaron initiates sex with Gemma before she has fully woken up and is able to give her consent. While this was hard to write, I felt it was important to include as part of the wider pattern of devaluation and control Aaron has established towards Gemma. I want to be very clear that this is assault and should never be part of any healthy relationship.
I Hold Your Heart is Gemma’s story, but I took the decision early on to attempt to explore Aaron’s perspective too. I tried to imagine what influences at a personal and societal level might have led him to hold such damaging views of women and relationships. This attempt at understanding how he operates is in no way meant to be a sympathetic portrayal: as Esi says, ‘An explanation is not an excuse.’ There are never any excuses for the behaviour Aaron displays and he is a hundred per cent responsible for his actions. I hope I’ve succeeded in making this clear in the book.
We are currently at a difficult point in history, where hard-won rights for women and girls feel under threat. While coercive control is now a criminal offence in the UK, convictions and sentencing remain low. I firmly believe we must continue to shine a light on the issue of domestic abuse. We have to find ways to treat each other with dignity and kindness in all our interactions – including online. For anyone who recognises something of Gemma’s story in their own life, please know that everyone deserves to be treated with care and respect, and that includes you. If you are worried about any aspects of your relationship or about someone you know, please reach out for help. Some useful organisations are listed below. You are valuable and you deserve to live a life free from abuse.
With much love, Karen
Helpful Organisations
Women’s Aid: www.womensaid.org.uk – supports women and children who have experienced or are experiencing domestic abuse, including information on what to do if you are worried about someone else
Refuge: www.refuge.org.uk – supports women, men, children and young people
The above charities run the Freephone 24-hour National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247
Childline: www.childline.org.uk – has a range of information on healthy and unhealthy relationships, and advice for what to do if you are worried about a friend
The Mix: www.themix.org.uk – contains a wealth of information and advice about sex and relationships for under 25s
Acknowledgements
Thank you to the following incredible people:
My agent, Claire Wilson, for all your invaluable support and for your kind words about my writing, which made me (happy) cry at a very difficult moment. Thank you to Miriam Tobin and to the team at RCW for your hard work behind the scenes.
My superstar editor, Hannah Sandford, for always understanding what I’m trying to do and then working your magic to make it a thousand times better. I feel like it’s been quite a journey and I’m very glad to have taken it with you. Thank you also to Emma Young for your nuanced and invaluable line edits, and to Nick de Somogyi for your meticulous attention to detail.
Thank you to Rebecca McNally for continuing to believe in my work. Also to Emily Moran, Emily Marples and the marketing and publicity teams for working so hard to put my books into the hands of readers; to Jet Purdie for the beautiful cover design; to Fliss Stevens for all your hard work steering the book through production, and to the entire team at Bloomsbury for basically being the best.
Huge thanks to Henrietta Akesse-Mensah, who patiently talked me through various cultural issues to do with the Ghanaian-British community, advised me on names and gave me your amazing jollof rice to try. Thank you for your generosity – I hope I have managed to do your comments justice. Thank you also to sensitivity reader Marcus Ramtohul for your time and care.
To my lovely family and friends, I am so very grateful as always for your support. I love you lots. Special thanks to Nikki, who has been through the joys and tribulations of single motherhood with me for all these years; to Lynne, Hannah and Sandy, and most of all to Lexi, for once again holding my hand through the entire process – you are all phenomenal.
The wonderful booksellers, bloggers, authors, librarians, reviewers and everyone else in the YA community: you are all amazing, thank you. There are too many people to mention and I’m worried I’ll forget someone, but please know that your tweets and messages of support mean so much and have kept me going on more than one occasion.
Finally, to Naomi and William. I love you both with all my heart.
About the Author
Karen Gregory has been a confirmed bookworm since early childhood. She wrote her first story about Bantra the mouse aged twelve, then put away the word processor until her first child was born, when she was overtaken by the urge to write. Her first novel, Countless, published in 2017, was shortlisted for the Leeds Book Award and longlisted for the Branford Boase Award. Her second novel, Skylarks, was publish
ed in 2018. Karen lives in Wiltshire with her family.
Heartbreaking, life-affirming, brave and bold – discover a completely different kind of love story
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This electronic edition published in May 2019
First published in Great Britain in 2019 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
Copyright © Karen Gregory, 2019
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ISBN: PB: 978-1-5266-0916-8; eBook: 978-1-5266-0917-5
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I Hold Your Heart Page 24