My chest is tight.
“Look, I get it. But you have to make it right. Even just for yourself, you need a friend like Ty right now.” He pauses, listening. “I’m going to check on him. Are you okay?”
Greg is still looking at me, waiting for me to answer. But I can’t yet. My thoughts take over. I betrayed my friend. How could I risk hurting him?
And now Braden isn’t the last person I kissed. The thought stings.
If I speak, I’m going to totally lose control, so I just nod at Greg and leave the room. As soon as I’m out of sight, I run up the stairs, my heart like a ticking bomb.
“Yes! Go Braden!” I’m on my feet the second he dives off the starting block. It takes only moments before he glides ahead of the other swimmers, and he doesn’t come up for air until almost halfway across the pool. “Yes!” I shout again as he finally breaks the surface.
Greg is yelling to be heard over the cheering crowd. “So they really just go back and forth? I thought they might step it up after their little break. I mean, at least the divers looked cool.”
This is my friends’ first meet, and Greg said this same thing at the start of each race. I thought he got it out of his system during the first half, but apparently not. My guess is that he didn’t love his girlfriend’s wide eyes when she first saw the team in their uniforms.
Becca interjects, “Well, I think it looks impressive as hell. I don’t even like to get my hair wet.”
“Thanks, Bec.” I redirect my attention to Greg, a little annoyed he needs to object quite so often. “And yes, for the millionth time, they swim back and forth. I’d like to see you try it. Especially fly—it’s by far the hardest.”
“This is fly?” Ty asks.
I elaborate without moving my eyes from the swimmers. “Yes, this is the butterfly. The race he won earlier was freestyle. Which is easier, but Braden’s times are superfast. And not every swimmer has two strokes.”
Ty teases, “Oh, so you’re hip to the lingo now?”
“When your boyfriend holds the school record for the hardest stroke, you remember what it’s called,” I retort.
“I’m real tempted to make a joke about all of Braden’s stroking,” Greg says.
Ty chokes on his laughter, and I shoot Greg a sharp look.
Greg puts his hands up. “I won’t.” Then he starts to ramble, “But you can’t just keep repeating the words hard and stroke and expect nobody to pick up on it.” Becca puts a hand on his arm. He takes the hint and stops talking.
Becca wisely changes the subject. “Ty, I’m still thinking about that third equation on the math section. Do you remember what your answer was? Because I think I marked A, but now I’m doubting myself.”
We took the ACT last week, and Becca has been reliving it ever since. Unsurprisingly, we’re all starting to lose our patience.
Ty sighs. “Becca, my answer is the same as the last ten times you asked me: I don’t remember. There were a lot of questions.”
“Okay, I know. But the average U of M student got a thirty-one on their ACT, and I swear to god if that one equation stops me, I’m going to lose my mind.”
“Are you sure you haven’t already started?” Ty asks innocently.
Greg tries not to laugh, but then turns to soothe her. “Becca, I’m sure you got it right. You’re the smartest person I know.”
She ignores him and talks to Ty. “Okay, I’m doing that thing that I do, I know, but I can’t help it, okay? And I think I remember the equation, so maybe I could write it down and we can see—”
“Becca, I love you.” Ty looks at Greg. “Platonically, of course.”
“Of course.” Greg nods approvingly.
Ty continues, “But if you don’t stop asking me about this, I’m going to be forced to push you into the pool.”
“You guys, can you argue about this when my boyfriend isn’t in the middle of a race?” Braden finishes the first fifty yards, half a pool length ahead of his competition.
Becca mumbles an apology.
Braden moves even faster. I let out another whooping cheer and then Becca is on her feet, too, standing next to me, cheering just as loudly as I am.
Thank god something got her out of her head.
Two more lengths to go until the end of the race. I watch Brade’s muscular arms and shoulders move in and out of the water, propelling him farther and farther ahead of the other swimmers. My chest bursts with pride.
But then, at the last turn, when Braden makes contact with the wall and moves to push off, he jerks abruptly to the right. He comes to a near stop, and the other swimmers start to catch up.
I feel my face fall.
“Wait, what just happened?” Becca asks, full of concern.
“I don’t know.” I can’t look away from Braden. He’s lost his lead now, moving slowly. “Something’s wrong.” I’ve never seen him do anything but win.
Braden forces himself to the other side of the pool by what looks like sheer will, and he struggles out of the water, clutching his shoulder. Face twisted in pain, he approaches his coach. I watch their exchange as a couple of swimmers celebrate an unheard-of victory against Braden Roberts. It makes my stomach turn.
“I’m going to go see if he’s okay.”
* * *
I weave through the crowd, down to where the team is gathered. I hear Braden explaining, “Yeah, when I pushed off. It’s the same spot.” I know he’s been battling tendinitis, but I thought the steroid shots he gets were keeping it under control. “But I don’t know.” He grimaces.
“Braden,” I call, and he turns to look at me. “Hey, are you okay?”
His face is twisted in pain, but he nods. “I’m fine. I’m sure it’s fine.” It looks more like he’s saying It has to be fine.
“Braden?” Coach’s voice breaks our gaze. “That was your last race today. Why don’t you go get it checked out?”
My worry spikes. “What? You think it’s that bad?”
“That’s what we need to find out. Braden said his parents couldn’t make it today. Do you have a car here, Hadley? Can you take him to the doctor? I hate to ask, but I’ve got to stay for the rest of the meet.”
“Yeah, um, of course. No problem.” Ty actually drove me, but I’m sure he’ll help out. “I could take him to urgent care? My friend’s dad works at one close by.”
“Sure, better safe than sorry,” Coach answers.
I catch Tyler’s eye from the stands and wave him down. Becca and Greg follow.
Braden turns to me. “I’m going to put some clothes on.” And I know he’s hurting, because there’s no teasing in his eyes as he says it.
Coach looks back at Braden. “Roberts. You do what you need to, to get back in the pool.” The two of them hold a meaningful look, and then Braden nods.
As Braden makes his way to the locker room, Tyler finds his way over to me, and I explain what happened.
“Would you mind taking us? Is your dad working?”
“Yeah, I think he is, actually. What happened? Is he all right?” Ty nods in the direction of the locker room.
“I think so. But he’s not sure.”
“My dad will help.”
I turn to my other friends. “Becca, will you and Greg be okay if we go? Can you get a ride?”
Greg answers me. “We’ll figure it out. No worries.”
Becca puts a hand on my elbow. “You okay?”
“Yeah, no, I’m good,” I answer, distracted. “He’s fine. I’m sure he’s fine.”
* * *
An hour later, my knees are anxiously bouncing up and down in a waiting room chair. Ty takes a hand and presses it into my knee. “Butler, relax.”
“Sorry.” I force my legs to still, and Tyler moves his hand. But it’s like the energy just transferred from my legs to my fi
ngers, because now I can’t help from clicking my rings together.
“It’s just an X-ray, Hads.”
“Yeah, I know. You’re right.” I don’t know what I’m all worked up about. Braden was quiet in the car, but clearly in no immediate danger.
Dr. West, Ty’s dad, approaches us wearing a white coat, a stethoscope around his neck, and a clipboard in his hands. “All right, guys. I was just talking with Dr. Wilseck, who’s working with Braden. It looks like he has a small tear in his rotator cuff. They’re discussing options now, but he’s just fine.”
Tyler gives me a told ya so look.
I release a bit of my concern. “Is he going to be able to keep swimming?”
“He’ll have to take a break, rest up, but he should be back in the pool soon enough.” Even a break is going to devastate him.
“Thank you.” I look between the two Wests. “Both of you. For your help.”
Dr. West nods. “Anytime. I have to get back, but Dr. Wilseck should be able to answer any other questions.” I mumble another thanks as he turns to go down the hallway.
I turn to my friend. “Seriously, Ty. Thank you.”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself. I’m going to cash in on a major favor for this.”
“Oh yeah? Like what?” I can’t even imagine what Ty would want from Braden.
“I’ll think of something.”
“Okay, well, I’m sure you guys will sort it out.”
“Wait.” Ty laughs. “Oh, no. Not Braden. You owe me.”
“What? This isn’t my favor!”
“Oh please. I didn’t do it for Roberts.”
“Fine. I owe you.”
“That’s right. Don’t forget it.”
I force a smile, because I know he’s only trying to make me laugh. Ty doesn’t really care about a favor. And he knows I’d always help him if he needed it anyway.
“Hey. Thanks for waiting.” At Braden’s voice, my head shoots up. His arm is in a sling and he looks shattered.
I stand up and wrap my arms around his waist. “Are you okay? What did the doctor say?” I ask, looking up at him.
I can tell he’s mad but trying to keep it under control. “It’s a fucking tear.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I can either have surgery or rest and do physical therapy.”
“Surgery?” I feel my eyebrows meet above my nose.
“I’m fine. It’s fine.” He has a determined look in his eye. “I’m not going to do the surgery. Not in the middle of the season, right when I have scouts in the stands.” Braden is hoping for a swimming scholarship, and before today, there was no reason why he shouldn’t get a great one. “If it still hasn’t healed by summer, I can take time off club and get the surgery then.”
Club swimming isn’t technically part of the school sport—it takes place during the summer, hosted by the local public pool—but most of the team participates. They have meets too, but they’re less formal, more of a way to stay in shape than to truly compete.
“Okay.” I try to process everything he’s just said. “Yeah, that makes sense. So the physical therapy, then? How long do you have to rest? How long do you need that thing?” I gesture to the sling.
“They said a month, but there’s no way I’m waiting that long. Spring break is coming up, so if I go three weeks, I’ll miss only an invitational.” Invitationals don’t count against season rankings, I remind myself.
“Braden, you should probably do what the doctor says,” I answer, worried.
“I’ve got this, Hadley. I have a plan, and the season’s almost over. It’ll be like it never happened.”
Tyler eyes us and claps his hands, trying to cut through the tension. “All right, well, if you’re all set, let’s get out of here, huh?”
I look back at Ty. “Right.” I try to dismiss my concerns. “Okay. Let’s go?”
Braden nods, and with his uninjured arm, he takes my hand, giving it a little squeeze—a silent peace offering. Then he says, “Hey, West. Do you mind if we make a pit stop on the way back? I’ve got to fill a prescription.”
Tyler gives me a satisfied look. I can almost hear him thinking, Another favor. “Yeah, no problem, man. Let’s get out of here.”
“I’m scared.” The words leave my mouth before I even realize they were tiptoeing across my brain.
No longer needing his sling, Braden pushes himself up from his elbows to his hands, palms flat against his navy sheets. His face hovers above mine, blocking out the light from his bedroom window. A piece of hair falls into his eyes, and without thinking, I reach up and slide some of it back through my fingers.
His voice is soft. “That’s okay, Had. We don’t have to.” He slides his weight from on top of me to next to me, and props his head up on his elbow.
The space between us pulls at me. He’s still touching me; he’s still close. But not close enough.
We’ve been talking about this for so long. I even told Mom about it, and she got me a doctor’s appointment right away. I’ve been prepared, taking the pill for months. And god, I want him.
I close my eyes and then open them again. “No, I mean, I want to. I do. I’m just scared anyway,” I admit. I press my hand into the familiar muscle on his chest—not to push him away, but to feel his heartbeat. It’s moving fast, but not as fast as mine. “Are you? Scared, I mean,” I ask in a small voice.
He grimaces, and I realize I must have irritated his shoulder. “Shit, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” With Braden trying to get back into the pool, the last thing I want to do is cause him more pain. I move my hand. “Is it still hurting? Even with the painkillers?”
“Only a little bit. Honestly, the medicine works well. I think swimming is going to be fine.”
I sit up, not convinced. “Maybe we should wait. I don’t want to make it worse.”
“You’re not going to hurt me, Hadley.”
“No?”
He shakes his head. “No.” His expression finds some mischief. “But if it helps, with the nerves, you should probably know that my expectations are already ruined. I basically expected to seduce you with one look, rip your clothes off with my teeth, and then listen to you scream my name for…I don’t know. However long a long time is.” The corner of his mouth twists, teasing. “So it’s really only downhill from here.”
The laugh comes from deep in my stomach, and I roll over to him, wiggling my body against him. I look up to his face. “You’re such an ass.” But even the insult sounds like a term of endearment when I say it to him.
He continues as if I didn’t speak, folding his hands under his head, “Yeah, I hate to tell you, Had. But everything about this is sort of a bummer. Two working parents on the last day of spring break. And I’m naked in bed with the girl I’m, like, stupid in love with. It’s only fair you know that before anything happens. That I’m totally, completely disappointed.”
I laugh again, and he moves so he can see my face better.
Then he says, “Hey, speaking of parents, my mom wants you to come to dinner at the house this weekend. My grandma is going to be in town, and she wants to show you off, I think.”
“That’s what you want to talk about right now?”
“Nope. Actually. Not at all.” He smirks and then looks at me more seriously for a moment. He kisses me gently. “It’s just me, Hadley. So nothing to be nervous about there. And you know I’ve never done this before either.” The light shining from his eyes is so bright that it melts hazel into gold. “Did I mention that I love you?”
“Yeah, I know. I love you too.”
“And I promise that’s not going to change. And I promise to stop if you want, if it hurts or anything.” He looks at my hands; he’s lacing my fingers with his.
I’m not afraid of it hurting. I don’t have language for what I’m afraid of.
“But if you don’t want to,” he continues, “we have plenty of time. I’m not going anywhere.”
I look at his face. I’ve kissed every inch of it. He’s seen this much of me before. Honestly, it’s a decision I made a while ago. I want to be with him, in every way you can be with somebody. The idea of not doing it, about not having this experience with him, is so much worse than the nerves I feel about going through with it. I wet my lips and nod, just slightly. “I want to.”
He kisses me for a moment before I feel something change. He laughs into my mouth. “Shit, Had.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Now I’m kind of scared.”
“We don’t have to.”
“No, no. It’s okay.” His voice is a whisper. “I don’t mind being scared with you.” And then he pulls my face to his.
It’s slow at first. I’m so aware of every movement that my trembling hands make. And that his make too. I think of all the times before, when we forced ourselves apart, breathing heavy and electrified. This time, we don’t stop.
I pull him on top of me, heart hammering.
And we get as close as two people can be.
At first, there’s a deep pressure, but it passes. And then, it’s right. We move together, both unsure of what we’re supposed to do. He whispers into my ear, asks me if I’m okay. I can only nod. I ask him, too, a beat later, and he kisses me in response. After I few minutes, I give in to it. I close my eyes, and I let myself simply feel.
The thought fills my mind before I can stop it: for as long as I live, Braden and I will have this moment. And we love each other, and what could be more important than that?
* * *
After he comes back from the bathroom in his boxers and gets back into bed, he bites the corner of his lips. “Was it like you thought?”
I bury my head into his chest, too embarrassed to answer. A moment later, I lift my face, resting my chin on a curve of a muscle that doesn’t belong to me. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I thought. But it wasn’t…not what I thought.”
Coming Up for Air Page 14