I wish I could say he incited that level of adoration in me. Since Dex told me he’s in love with me, though, when I look at Cole, when he tells me how much he adores me, what I feel most is conflicted, remorseful, and sad.
A part of me feels like I should just tell Cole the truth—that my feelings are not as intense as his are, and that he deserves better. On the other hand, I do love him in a way. He’s my fiancé. We live together now. Should I really throw our relationship away over lingering feelings for Dex? If Cole and I weren’t together, I don’t know that anything would change between Dex and me. If I were with him, would I just want Cole back?
I have no idea. I’m more torn and confused than I ever have been about anything in my life.
I’ve been talking to my sister a lot more often since she and Logan got out of the hospital. She’s recovering, slowly, and they decided to push the wedding back to the fall.
“Honey, I’m so sorry, but I think you’re right to push the date back.” I scan Kelly’s beautiful, battered face on my phone screen as we video chat. She’s still a little bruised here and there, she has some serious cuts that haven’t healed. Her wrist is in a cast and her arm is in a sling. Logan’s left arm was shattered above the elbow. He had surgery and he’ll be in a cast for a few months.
“Yeah, I just hate all the money Logan’s parents spent on deposits and everything…given the situation, though, some places worked with us on the new dates.” She blows out a short breath. “I know it was the right thing, it just sucks, that’s all. I’m so ready to be married to him, Sinclair. I just love him so much. I don’t even care about the wedding anymore.” She glances up as a tear breaches her lashes. “But I mean, you get it. Now that you’re engaged to Cole, you know what it’s like to be so, so, so in love with someone.”
I do. I’m just not sure it’s the person she thinks I’m in love with.
“He’s pretty great, that’s for sure.” I reply.
“Oh, come on, Sinclair! He’s rich, he’s famous, and he’s insanely hot. If I weren’t marrying Logan, I’d be too jealous to even talk to you.” She laughs, and I’m just grateful she can joke with me and cut up after all she’s been through.
“Listen, I better go. I’m meeting the girls at the spa and I don’t want to be late for our appointment.”
“Okay, love you sis. Come visit me soon, okay? Maybe you can come with Cole when the Frontiersmen play the Cubs.”
“Maybe, if it’s the weekend. I have a job, remember?” I laugh.
“Oh my God you’re ridiculous. You live with your hot, rich fiancé. You don’t need a job, Sinclair, but whatever. Call me soon.”
Lily has been pretty much missing-in-action since Cole and Jorge got back from camp. Anna and I suspect she’s been in a sex coma. Today, though, we’re all meeting up at the spa, and I’m glad to get a relaxing day with my girls.
As we all sit in the pedicure chairs, Anna regales us
Anna is still seeing Brian, but is entertaining us with tales of her online dating forays before they met. One particularly disturbing tale involves a guy asking for photos of her armpit which she, mercifully, did not send.
“So things are good with you and Doctor hot body?” Lily asks her, wriggling her eyebrows.
“They are. It has been sort of a slow boil instead of a lightning strike, if that makes sense. Do you know what I mean?” Anna asks. “Did you feel like that when you guys got together?”
“You can’t use me as a gauge—I hit the fucking jackpot! I mean, Jorge’s gorgeous, a professional athlete, and he’s got that whole sexy Latin lover thing going on, so ya know, triple threat.” Lily wriggles her eyebrows and gives us a naughty smirk.
“Oh my God, Lil, yes, we know, we know!” Anna rolls her eyes.
“I didn’t have a spark with Cole right away.” I lift one shoulder in a half-committed shrug. “We’re happy now, though.”
Lily and Anna share a look, then pretend to suddenly be engrossed in their magazines.
“What?”
They don’t answer me, but give each other side-eye again, brows raised, never looking in my direction.
“Lily? Anna! What in the world are you two looking at each other like that for?” I demand.
“You’ve known her longer, this one’s on you.” Anna nods to Lily, shaking her head back and forth as she flips through the pages of the glossy in her hands.
“Well, hon, we just thought…,” Lily looks at me sheepishly and bites her lip.
“Spill. It.” I say, casting her a gaze from under my brows.
“Well, we thought you didn’t like Cole because you were carrying a torch for Dexter. I mean, God knows why, and we’re both glad you got over it, but you had it bad for him, it was so obvious.” She looks at Anna. “Back me up, here.”
“She’s right, Sinclair. Cole is insanely gorgeous and charming. We just assumed that if you weren’t giving him the time of day, it had to be because you were either in love with someone else, or just didn’t like boys.” Anna says.
“Not that we wouldn’t love you just the same either way,” Lily quickly adds.
“That wasn’t it,” I lie. “It was just that I didn’t think we had anything in common, that’s all. There was no spark at first for me.”
“So what happened to change your mind?” Lily asks.
“Well, we went out a couple more times and he was just more…I don’t know, interesting, I guess. I didn’t peg him as the kind of guy who likes to read, or enjoys the museum or documentaries…the kind of stuff I like.”
“But he does like all that boring stuff you’re always droning on about?” Anna smirks.
“Yeah…he does. I mean, lately we haven’t been doing much besides hanging with the team and going to clubs or dinner.” I consider my answer for a moment, then realize we haven’t really done any of the things I like since almost the first month or so we went out.
“You seem like you’re always having a good time together, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, he’s so crazy about you, too. It’s so obvious,” Lily adds, nodding to my engagement ring. “I mean, look at that rock.”
“He is, and yeah, we have fun, it’s just…I don’t know. I know he’d be up for whatever. There’s just been a lot going on leading up to the season—I’m sure that’s it.” I know he’d do anything to make me happy. It’s such a small thing, though, this idea we’ve fallen into a routine that’s more his than ours. I don’t know why the realization tickles the back of my mind with worry.
I flip the page of my magazine and see a beer ad with a guy who looks a lot like Rob, the guy I dated in New York. That’s when it hits me.
Rob did the same thing. When Rob and I started dating, it was all about what I wanted. Then, over time, he blew off what was important to me, and we had to do what he wanted. Hell, he even wanted me to dress a certain way.
Cole has been pushing me to quit working. He has bought me all sorts of slinky new clothes, and last week, he even told me that he volunteered me for a charity project the Frontiersmen wives run—as a calendar model.
Does he really love me, or does he want me to play a part?
I’m not entirely sure, but one thing’s for certain: before we get married, I need to figure it out, and the faster I do, the better.
CHAPTER 28
Dexter
I KNEW IT WAS COMING. That didn’t make it any easier to hear. Cole won. He’s the better man for Clair. One question. One answer. That’s all it took to break me.
The night of Kelly’s accident, I nearly betrayed the two people I’ve trusted the most. I wanted Clair so fucking bad, and she wanted me too. I almost gave in. I was on the verge of becoming one of those guys who takes what he wants, consequences be damned.
That didn’t happen, though. A perfectly timed call from Clair’s fiancé put the brakes on the mistake I was about to make.
Would it have been a mistake, though?
I know the answer to that question. As desperately as I
want her for myself, if we got together that way, I’d always be fearful of her regret. I’d always be waiting for the other shoe to fall.
I have to clear my head and get my mind right. Unless I get some separation from this whole situation, I’ll never be able to look my friends in the eye and feign happiness for something that has crushed every dream I’ve secretly harbored for most of my adult life. That’s why the timing of the interview I’ve traveled halfway across the world for is so perfect.
The light pours, dappled, through the trees of the park as my feet connect with the pavement. Inhale…one, two, three…exhale…one, two. I concentrate on my breathing. Concentrate on my pace. I try to think about anything besides the fact that the woman I love is back home, planning to marry one of my best friends.
As I round the path to cross the bridge over Saint James Park Lake, I look up and the view is a reminder that catapults me back home to Dallas. There, on the bridge, a bride stands beside her groom, a photographer capturing the happy couple with the lake and the palace in the background. A pair of swans is swimming in the water behind them, as if placed there as props for the impossibly gorgeous blonde and the good-looking, athletic, sandy-haired guy beside her.
The scene hits far too close to home. I crank up the gas and take the path out of the park, turning on Buckingham Gate, then onto Caxton Street toward my hotel. Inside, I make my way through the sumptuous lobby and up to my room. Even the hotel itself seems to taunt me. When I checked in, I thought how much Clair would love it here. She might not care anything about the luxury of the place, but she’d love staying in such a historic building.
Churchill used space here as strategy rooms during the Second World War. She would love poking around the old building, trying to eke out its secrets. I may be nearly five thousand miles from home, but Clair is still here with me. She permeates my every waking thought, and inhabits every dream.
.-- --- -. -.. . .-.
I have an interview in the afternoon with the BBC. A paper we published on the Sana hearing device was picked up by a researcher, and they want to feature Alder Extrinsic’s work in a documentary about the future of biotechnology. After showering, having lunch, and changing into the suit that Connie, my publicist, insisted is ideal for a television appearance, I head over to the studio.
I’m the only person in the green room as I wait for the producer to come in and tell me what to do next. As I sit, waiting for instructions, I notice something I haven’t experienced in a long time. My palms are sweating. My knee bounces up and down uncontrollably. I am nervous. I know what to say about the device, the research that went into it, and the team that made it all possible. I’ll tell them how optimistic I am that it will help people. Still, my nerves are raging out of control. It probably has something to do with the fact that the beginnings of Cole and Clair’s relationship is so tied up in the origins of the Sana.
My phone buzzes and I take it from my pocket, brushing my thumb across the screen to open the message.
CLAIR: You’ll be great today. Break a leg.
My heart pounds in my chest when I see her words. I start to revel in the idea that she’s thinking about me, then stop myself.
She’s not yours, asshole. She’ll never be yours.
The phone vibrates in my hand again.
CLAIR: After the interview, would you think about calling?
CLAIR: I miss you, Dex.
Fuck.
Her words tug at my heart. I lie to myself that I won’t call—that I can be strong. Deep down, though, I know I’m completely powerless when it comes to her.
“Mr. Flynn?” A woman’s voice stirs me from my thoughts. “I’m Emma, the producer. Are you ready to go over the notes for the interview?”
A pretty, petite redhead is standing in the doorway, waiting for her cue to tell me what I need to know before the interview begins.
“Hi,” I say, standing to shake her hand. “Yes, I’m ready…and please, call me Dexter.”
“Alright then, Dexter.” She flashes me a glancing smile. “Let’s go through the questions that Duncan will be asking during the taping,” She sits in the chair beside mine and pulls up some notes on an iPad. Her demeanor is soothing, which I immediately realize must be a huge asset in her job.
We talk for a few minutes, and she reassures me that the interview will be routine—nothing out of the ordinary. After she asks if I have any questions and I say I don’t, she stands to leave.
“I think you’re all set, then. Don’t be nervous. You’ll do great.” When she drops her voice to a more sultry tone, it intensifies an already sexy British accent.
She puts the microphone on the lapel of my jacket, feeding it through the buttons of my shirt to clip the power pack to my belt. As she does, her hand lingers, her fingers grazing my abs.
“Besides, we’re a science program. We don’t usually have guests as handsome as you on. See you out there.” She grins before she walks out the door.
I could ask her out. I could probably take her back to my hotel tonight, and spend the night trying to forget the woman back home who is consuming my every thought. I won’t do that, though. My guilt over the way things went with Tabitha is overwhelming. Even if it was unintentional, I won’t hurt another woman that way.
I calm myself enough to get through the interview without a hitch. I head across town, and decide to duck into a neighborhood pub near my hotel for dinner. I order at the bar, and walk, beer in hand, to a small table toward the back.
As I walk back to the table, I hear a couple speaking French. The next table has a couple of business men speaking German. The table to my left has a large group of people with a variety of accents. Sitting down, I can’t help but smile thinking how much Clair would love listening for all the different accents and dialects.
I take a deep breath, and dial the number.
“Dex! I’m so glad you called!” I can’t help but love how excited she is to hear from me. “How’s London?”
“Good. The interview went well. It was pretty easy—no trick questions. Very straightforward.”
“That’s good news. Are you at your hotel?”
“The pub down the street. I stopped in for dinner. There are people at the tables next to me speaking lots of different languages, and it made me think how much you’d like it here.”
“I’m glad to know you haven’t forgotten me completely. We hardly ever talk anymore. I haven’t seen you in weeks.” Her voice is laced with sadness and all I want is to take it away, but it’s not my place to do that for her.
“I’m back in Dallas tomorrow.” I reply as the server sets a steaming meat pie on the table in front of me.
“Really? Maybe we could meet for dinner or something.” Her tone is cautious, but hopeful.
“Clair, I don’t think…,” I start to protest and she cuts me off.
“Dex, please,” her voice cracks a little. It’s a knife, cutting right through me. “I need to know we’re still okay.”
I shut my eyes and let out a breath as I tip my head back.
“We’re okay, Clair.” It’s a half-truth. Are we still friends? Of course we are. Will I ever get past this hurt? I can’t be sure.
“Come to dinner Friday night. The team is in town. Cole will be home. We can play Scrabble or watch a movie. I just…I miss you.” She pauses for a moment, then her tone changes. “Maybe you’re just afraid I’ll beat you at Scrabble. I mean, I wouldn’t want to embarrass you.”
“That’s adorable, that you still think after all these years that you can beat me.” I chuckle. “Okay, Clair. Friday night. I’ll see you both around seven.”
“Really? Okay, then. Seven it is. Safe travels back home. I’ll see you Friday,” she pauses, then cautiously adds, “Love you, Dex.”
I swallow hard. “Love you back.”
I finish my food and walk to the bar to order another beer.
“American?” A tall, blonde guy maybe a couple of years older than me says through a thick Sou
thern accent. I smile hearing the sound of home in such a faraway place.
“Yep. You too, right? Southern? Maybe…Georgia?” I ask, taking the beer from the bartender and sitting on the stool beside the guy.
“Close. Tennessee. How about you?”
“Texas. Dallas,” I reply, taking a sip of my beer.
“In that case, on behalf of the state of Tennesee, you’re welcome. Ya know, for the Alamo,” the guy says, taking a pull on his beer.
“Ha. Good point. You a historian?” I chuckle at the joke.
“Nope. I work in agriculture. You?” He polishes off his beer and motions to the bartender for another.
“Well…good question. I guess scientist would be closest. I’m here doing an interview on a piece of new technology my company developed,” I stick my hand out to shake his. “I’m Dexter.”
“Mike. Nice to meet you.” He sips his beer as his eyes glance from the television back to me. “So, who’s the girl?”
I look around. “I’m not sure what you mean.”
“You got that real pained look that usually means a girl’s givin’ you hell.” He smirks. “Sorry, man, not my place. Just tryin’ to make conversation with somebody from back home.”
I shake my head. “No problem. You kind of hit the nail right on the head. My best friend from college…she just got engaged to my other best friend. I’m the idiot who introduced them.”
“And you’re carryin’ a torch for her?”
“Afraid so.” I sigh. “Nothing I can do about it now.”
“Damn, brother. That’s a rough one. Hey man, get my friend here another round, will ya?” He says to the bartender.
“Thanks, man.” I take a seat on the barstool next to him. “I waited too long. I should’ve told her how I felt years ago.”
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