by Cat Clarke
I hate you and your friends and the only reason I’m sitting here right now is because I want to destroy you. I’ll do whatever it takes.
‘I used to go line dancing with my Mum.’ I have never been line dancing in my life.
Lucas burst out laughing and slapped his knee in a totally disproportionate way. ‘Now that’s a good one! That’s almost worse than being scared of the dark. So when did you hang up your cowboy boots?’
‘A couple of years ago. You know, line dancing is a lot harder than it looks. There’s a lot of skill involved.’
‘Is that so? Maybe you could teach me some moves some time?’
The invitation hung in the air, inhabiting the space between us. There was that strange exposed feeling again – like he had the measure of me. I knew he didn’t. I knew he couldn’t possibly know what I was thinking, but that didn’t stop me from looking away, embarrassed.
I was saved by Bugs shouting over, ‘Hey, Lucas, stop flirting with the poor girl! You’re so bloody obvious, mate. You want to take a few lessons from the Bugsmeister, my friend.’ He raised one ginger eyebrow with faux suaveness, then yawned and stretched his arm around Sasha. Before she knew what was happening, she was pulled into his embrace. She squealed as Bugs pretended to maul her like the big bear he was.
I’d never been so glad to hear the bell ring for lessons. I grabbed my bag and jumped up; the others carried on like they hadn’t even heard it. Lucas was watching me, amused. ‘Blimey, you’re keen.’
‘I’ve got geography with Mr Lynch. He makes you stand outside if you’re late. It’s embarrassing.’ Why do I feel the need to explain myself to him?
‘Well, we wouldn’t want you being embarrassed now, would we? Off you go.’ I couldn’t tell if he was mocking me. That smile was really quite distracting. ‘Actually, I’ll let you go on one condition.’ His legs were blocking my escape route, so I had no choice but to stand and wait. ‘Sit with us at lunch? It’s kind of a downer seeing you sitting in the corner all by yourself.’ Once again I found it hard to believe that a member of Team Popular had deigned to acknowledge the existence of an outsider. The thought of them watching me made my skin creep and crawl.
‘OK.’
Lucas smiled.
I smiled back.
I was in.
It was that simple.
chapter twenty-three
Of course, it wasn’t actually that simple. After lunch, I was silently congratulating myself on getting through a whole hour in their company, marvelling at the fact that I hadn’t spilled any food on myself or choked on my water or sprayed food in anyone’s face. Maybe this won’t be so tricky after all. Then there was a voice in my ear as I queued up to hand over my empty tray. ‘What are you doing here? Nobody wants you here.’ I could smell onions on his breath.
I didn’t turn to face him as I spoke. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
He waited until the others had walked out of the cafeteria ahead of us. ‘What are you playing at? With all this?’ He flicked my hair, his finger grazing my ear in the process.
I’d seen the way he’d looked at me all through lunch, emitting all kinds of bad vibes from the other end of the table. At one point I’d heard Nina asking him what was up – his response was a grunted ‘nothing’. I knew I was going to have to deal with him sooner or later. I’d just expected it to be later, that’s all. But I’d already worked out how I was going to handle him.
I looked over my shoulder in a really obvious way, then pulled him away from the crowds pouring out of the cafeteria. My touch on his arm was enough to confuse him. I leaned in close, steeling myself against the onion breath. ‘Look, I’m really sorry about what happened. I’m sorry about your nose.’
‘Yeah? You didn’t seem sorry after it happened, remember?’
‘I know. I was just . . . messed up, I suppose.’ I averted my gaze from his.
‘What do you mean by that?’ His eyes were suspicious, but I knew they wouldn’t be for much longer if I played this exactly right.
‘I can’t talk about it. I’m sorry. Please, you have to understand.’ I touched his arm again and left it there for a second or two.
‘I haven’t got a bloody clue what you’re on about. All I know is we were having a good time and then you went and freaked out like a lunatic.’
I took a shaky breath and looked him square in the eye. ‘If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anyone else?’ This performance was turning out to be truly Oscar-worthy.
‘Yeah, I won’t tell anyone.’ He was looking uncomfortable now. Clearly he wasn’t accustomed to girls telling him secrets.
‘You have to promise, Stu. This is serious. You can’t tell Lucas or Bugs or anyone. No one knows. I’ve never told anyone before.’
‘I promise.’ His voice softened. ‘You can tell me.’ He sounded almost sincere.
I leaned even closer and whispered the words into his ear. The words I knew would get me off the hook with him. Three little words.
‘I was raped.’
A stab of guilt as I said the words. A stab of guilt that had to be ignored.
Stu’s eyes widened and he flinched as if I’d hit him. ‘What?’
‘It happened a long time ago and I guess . . . I guess I thought I was over it. But I haven’t . . . y’know . . . been with anyone since then. I thought I was ready. But I wasn’t and I freaked out and I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault.’ Those last words almost stuck in my throat. Part of my brain was truly appalled at what I was doing, that I’d even come up with this idea in the first place. The other part was pragmatic, reassuring me that I had to do this. It was the only way.
Stu leaned against the wall and breathed out. ‘God. That’s . . . I had no idea. That’s pretty hardcore.’ Only an idiot like Stu would think hardcore was an appropriate word to use when talking about rape. ‘I’m sorry. That’s terrible. If I’d known, I never would have . . . I mean, obviously.’
‘I know you wouldn’t.’
‘Who . . . ? Did you go to the police?’
I shook my head. ‘No point. My word against his. Look, Stu, I shouldn’t have told you . . . but I wanted you to understand why I freaked out like I did. You do understand, don’t you?’ I was all but fluttering my eyelashes at the boy.
‘Of course! God, I’m so sorry.’ He went to touch my arm and then stopped when he realized that maybe being touched by him was not something I would want.
‘So we’re OK? You won’t mind me hanging out with you lot sometimes? It helps, you know? I feel like I’m finally fitting in, after all this time.’ I nearly winced, sure that I’d gone too far. That he wouldn’t buy it.
‘I don’t mind at all. I’m sorry I was a dick.’ Again with the poor choice of words. This boy seriously needed to work on his vocabulary. He rubbed his hand over his head in a nervous gesture.
‘You’ve nothing to apologize for. I’m just glad I was able to explain. And you promise you won’t tell anyone? I couldn’t bear it if people knew. I want to get on with my life and forget it ever happened.’
‘I understand.’ I’d never seen him look so serious before. It didn’t suit him.
‘Thank you. Well, I’d better get to English. I’ll see you later, OK?’
Stu nodded but didn’t make a move to leave. ‘Jem, there’s something I . . . I want you to know that it wasn’t a dare. Me and you. Nobody dared me to pull you. I made that up.’ He shrugged and smiled sheepishly. ‘Wounded pride or something. Sorry,’ he mumbled, looking at his feet.
I smiled and it was genuine. ‘That’s OK. Thanks for telling me. I really appreciate it. See you later, Stu.’
I left him leaning against the wall. As soon as I was out of the cafeteria I had to stop myself from doing a lame little victory dance or punching the air. I walked calmly down the corridor, but I couldn’t keep the smile off my face.
I’d done it. I’d really done it. Stu wasn’t going to be a problem. He’d been officially neutralized.
And it had been so much easier than I could have imagined. It was almost scary how easy it was to get away with a story like that. I’d half expected him to call me a liar, but it would be a very brave person to say that to someone who’d just told you they’d been raped. You’d have to be absolutely sure you were in the right. And Stu didn’t know me well enough to know anything of the sort. Stu didn’t know me at all.
The admission about the dare was what pleased me the most. Either he was now telling the truth and there’d been no dare – he’d followed me into the greenhouse for his own reasons. Or he was lying, in which case he felt bad enough to want to protect my feelings. It was win-win.
When I lay in bed that night I tried to ignore the question my conscience kept coming back to: had I enjoyed telling that lie? Even just a little bit?
No. No.
part two
chapter twenty-four
I’ve done it. Somehow I’ve achieved the impossible. I am officially one of Them. I thought it would take a lot longer to infiltrate Team Popular, but I suppose once they decide you’re in, you’re really in. There are no half measures where this lot are concerned.
I wonder if everyone would do this if they knew how effortless it is. Do people look at me and wonder how I did it? I bet they put it down to the hair and the make-up and the stuff they can see on the outside. And that was the start of it, no doubt. This would not have happened if I hadn’t changed all that, if I hadn’t moulded myself into an approximation of a face that fits. But there’s more to it than that: it’s about watching and listening and saying the things they want to hear. It’s about knowing when to speak and when to shut up. It’s about learning the dynamics of the group. Looking in from the outside, I thought I knew exactly how they operated. Luke was King and everyone bowed down to him. The others were his loyal subjects, existing for the sole purpose of making him look good. I was wrong.
Lucas and the boys are louder than the girls – they seem dominant. The girls laugh and roll their eyes at the boys’ antics. You’d be forgiven for thinking they’re simpering idiots – clinging onto the boys with their manicured fingernails, knowing that if they put a foot wrong they risk losing their place in Team Popular. But the more I watch, the more I realize it’s the girls who hold the real power. Pretty much everything the boys do is to impress them. Even the things that are gross or violent or incredibly stupid – it’s all about the girls. Especially Sasha. She’s the centre of the group, which explains why she wasn’t ousted when she broke up with Lucas. It also helps explain why it was so easy for her to bring me in from the wastelands of the general school population. It’s Sasha who’s made the Plan possible really. I must remember to thank her one day.
Anyone can see that Bugs is in love with Sasha. Any opportunity to touch her or hug her and he’s there. Lucas doesn’t seem to mind or even notice – probably because it’s Bugs. Bugs can get away with stuff purely by virtue of being Bugs. The other boys don’t see him as a threat – at all. I’m willing to bet that if it was Stu who was all over his ex-girlfriend like a rash, Lucas wouldn’t be so cool about it. Sasha doesn’t seem to mind either; I think she likes the attention. And because she doesn’t see Bugs in that way, she can cuddle him or sit on his lap or ruffle his hair without a second thought.
It must drive Bugs crazy. He knows nothing’s ever going to happen there – never in a million years – but he takes what he can get, like a dog waiting under the table for scraps. It’s kind of sad actually. Or utterly pathetic, depending on how charitable I’m feeling.
Even Nina the Pointless Blonde has her own subtle sort of power over Stu. He’s clearly keen for this particular former conquest to become an ongoing one. Nina seems to be resisting his charms at the moment, but it’s only a matter of time. She said as much to me and Sasha the other day. Her exact words were, ‘I reckon I’ll let him have sex with me soon.’ Sasha laughed and said, ‘I knew it!’ A smile was the best I could do, mostly because the thought of anyone having sex with Stuart Hicks was repugnant. And there was something about the way she said it – that she’d let him. She would allow him to do it to her. Like she wouldn’t even be a willing participant. Like sex is something that a boy does to a girl, not something they do together. It was disturbing.
*
I’ve been watching them, analysing them, and they have no idea. They think I’m just another harmless girl, filling up the ranks. Maybe they let me in because they realized that Nina doesn’t really add up to one whole useful person.
I’ve decided to go for Bugs first. It didn’t take long to come up with the idea. Captain of the rugby team, with the biggest crush in the world on his mate’s ex? Anyone can see where his weakness lies. And considering what they did to Kai, it really couldn’t be more perfect. I just need to wait for the right moment. I’ve been dropping hints whenever I’ve spoken to Bugs, feigning interest when he goes on about that car of his. Bugs is a year older than the rest of us. I listened to the whole long boring story about some childhood illness that meant he was in and out of hospital. Any kid with half a brain would have been able to catch up on all that missed schoolwork, but Bugs isn’t the brightest crayon in the box so he was kept back a year. He’s reaping the benefits now though – the only kid in our year who’s turned seventeen well before GCSEs. And since he somehow learned to drive before he turned seventeen (I’m sure he mentioned something about an older brother and an airfield but it’s really hard to stay conscious during car-related chat), he’s on course to pass his test in a couple of weeks. I’ve made it clear that I’m very keen to go for a drive sometime, and Bugs seems more than keen to play chauffeur.
He has no idea what’s coming.
chapter twenty-five
I’ve been dreading Kai’s next letter. And not just because the last one was so brutal. I know what he’s going to talk about, and it’s something I’ve been trying my best to ignore.
Jem,
It’s April. Our month. I’m sorry I’m not there to bake you a bizarre-tasting, slightly-crispy-round-the-edges birthday cake like I did last year. Maybe your mum will get you a cake from M&S - one that people can actually eat. I’m sorry I’m not there to give you a birthday present too. Something amazing that you’ve secretly always wanted.
I’m sorry I wasn’t around for my birthday, mostly because you always enjoyed mine more than yours for some reason. (You never did like being the centre of attention, did you? Even when it meant cards and presents and cake.) Anyway, I hope it wasn’t too awful. It’s just a day like any other, after all. It will get easier, I’m sure. I hope that one day in the not too distant future you’ll be able to raise a glass of champagne on 19th April and maybe remember me and smile a little bit? I would really like that.
And I do hope you’ve got something special planned for your big day. Something that involves leaving the house, at least. But if you don’t feel up to doing much, that’s OK too, you know? Not that you need my permission or anything.
Shit. I’m sorry Jem. I hate to think of you being alone on your birthay. It almost I’m sorry for being such a selfish bastard.
OK, I need to move on to May now because this is too hard to think about. I was all ready with a challenge and everything (socializing at the weekend, maybe wearing your new top/dress/whatever, in case you’re curious), but all I really want is for you to get through these few days. That’s all I really care about. I’m sorry I had to go and make things so hard for you, pickle, I really am.
Your loving best friend,
Kai
xxx
He’s right. His birthday was bad. I stayed in my room all day. Mum didn’t even try to coax me out. Just brought me food on a tray, no questions asked. She said she was here for me if I wanted to talk but understood if I didn’t. I tried not to think about how much worse it would be in the McBride house. I tried not to wonder what they would be doing to mark the day. I tried not to think of Kai never getting any older. The boy who never grew up.
My birthday is
n’t much better. Mum and Dad and Noah make a real effort to make it special and they try not to look disappointed when I barely manage to crack a smile. Mum and Noah even baked a cake together; Noah’s proud little face almost breaks me. I try to forget that this will be my last birthday. The girl who never grew up.
I didn’t tell anyone my birthday was coming up, and I’ve always had it hidden on Facebook (mostly to avoid the shame of having nobody write on my wall, since Kai prided himself on his complete ignorance of any and all social networks). I receive a single card from someone who’s not a member of my family: Jasmine. The last birthday card I got from her must have been when I was about twelve, so it’s a little odd that she remembered the date.
I especially didn’t want Sasha to know it’s my birthday, so it’s definitely more than a little weird that I’m a bit disappointed not to receive a birthday text from her. She does text though, to ask me if I want to hang out at her place tomorrow. She reckons I need a break from GCSE studying, which is a joke because I’ve barely started. Anyway, tomorrow happens to be Sunday. So I guess I’ve completed Kai’s little challenge after all, even if he didn’t actually set it. It’s almost enough to make me smile.
My new top is a little tight; I’m only wearing it because Kai didn’t ask me to. Sasha said it’s just going to be the two of us, watching a few DVDs and eating pizza. So it’s a bit of a surprise when Lucas Mahoney answers the door. I manage to hide my feelings and plaster an easy smile on my face when I say hi. He’s not wearing any shoes. There’s something about him not wearing shoes that makes him look more normal, less Lucas. And I’m not sure how I feel about that.
‘Hey, come on in.’ I wrestle my way out of my jacket in a most unladylike fashion and he says, ‘I like your top. It’s . . . nice.’
I mumble thanks and follow him into the living room. They’re all there, sprawled on sofas or on the floor. None of them look surprised to see me, which is irritating. I perch next to Nina on the edge of the sofa nearest the door and listen as the banter ramps up. After the obligatory moaning about revision, today’s topic of choice is Lucas and how he hasn’t had any action since his break-up with Sasha. Lucas and Sasha don’t seem bothered by this discussion in the slightest. Sasha just rolls her eyes and goes to sort out the pizzas in the kitchen. Stu and Bugs are shouting out the names of girls at school and listing their various attributes. Amber and Nina add their (nearly always unfavourable) verdict on the girls in question. And Lucas mostly laughs and shakes his head, with the odd grimace thrown in if he particularly disapproves.