by Cat Clarke
Bugs looks even more puzzled than before. ‘So I have rivals for your affections, huh? Should we open our presents at the same time, or would you like one of us to go first?’
I shrug, unsmiling. ‘Whatever.’
Bugs and Stu start to unwrap their parcels. The only sound is the tearing of paper and the crackling of the fire. Bugs gets into his first; Stu’s dexterity has clearly been hindered by the booze. I still don’t look at Lucas.
‘Is this supposed to be funny?’ Bugs doesn’t look impressed, but he’s not majorly pissed off or anything.
Stu looks over to see the magazine in Bugs’s hands and he cracks a smile. ‘Ah, Jem knows you so well! Maybe we should all leave you to have some alone time with those hot, hung homos?’
Bugs gives Stu a withering look, turns to me and says, ‘Forgive me if I seem ungrateful, but there’s really only one thing to be done with this.’ He chucks the magazine onto the fire. The flames lick around the edges for a second or two and everyone watches as the ridiculously buff guy on the front cover blackens and turns to ash.
I can feel everyone looking at me, but my attention is focused on Stu, who’s finally managed to get his fingers to work properly.
There’s no confusion on his face. He knows. I don’t know how his alcohol-addled mind worked it out so quickly, but it’s plain as anything that he knows. He just stares at me and I stare back. I’m not afraid any more and I’m not sure why.
Sasha breaks the silence. ‘What’s that, Stu?’
He holds up the pen for all to see. It’s an unremarkable pen in every way. A thick red marker pen. Permanent ink.
Bugs says, ‘No offence, Jem, but you could really do with some lessons from Santa when it comes to choosing gifts. Just for the record, you can’t go wrong with vouchers.’
Now it’s Sasha’s turn to pipe up. ‘Am I missing something here?’
Stu’s gripping the pen so hard I wouldn’t be surprised if he crushed it. ‘It was her.’
‘What was her? What are you on about, mate?’ Lucas sounds worried. Somehow he knows this is serious. Maybe he’s seen Stu like this before. Or maybe he senses something different about me.
‘The graffiti. It was her.’ And my eyes are still locked on his, as if no one else matters.
‘What do you mean, it was her? Don’t be stupid.’ Lucas sounds so very sure. So very convinced that his girlfriend couldn’t possibly have done such a thing. I mean, why would she?
‘Why don’t you ask her then?’ There’s something dangerous in Stu’s voice.
Sasha and Lucas both say, ‘Jem?’ at exactly the same time, but neither one shouts ‘Jinx’ like they normally would.
‘Now we’re in for some fun and games,’ murmurs Louise. I wish she’d just disappear.
I could still get away with saying it was a bad joke. The others would believe me, but Stu wouldn’t be so easily convinced. He sees me now.
‘It was me.’ Now I look at Lucas, then Sasha. Their faces are identical pictures of confusion. I don’t think they believe me. I have to make them believe me. ‘It was me. I wrote that stuff on the walls.’ My voice doesn’t sound like my own; it’s detached. Toneless.
‘And you put those magazines in Bugs’s car too.’ There’s no question mark at the end of Stu’s sentence. He’s worked it all out. Clever boy.
‘Is that true, Jem?’ Bugs’s face is more serious than I’ve ever seen it. Serious looks wrong on him.
‘It’s true.’
‘I don’t … I don’t get it. Why would you do that to me? The whole fucking school thinks I’m queer! I … I thought we were friends?’ He looks like a little boy who’s just been told that the tooth fairy’s not real, or that his parents are getting divorced. ‘What did I ever do to you?’
The question hangs in the air, and I’m not sure that I’m ready to answer it quite yet. I finally look over at Lucas, who’s staring at the small parcel in his hands. He opens it slowly, as if he’s worried the contents might explode. Tiny strips of leather fall into his lap, and he shakes his head in disbelief. When I see the look on his face, something inside me cracks, but I have to hold myself together because there’s no going back now.
Louise stands and pulls Max up with her. He looks massively uncomfortable – he doesn’t know where to look. Louise speaks to Sasha. ‘Look, we’re just going to go, OK? I can’t be doing with this drama. I’m supposed to be avoiding stressful situations.’ That must be down to her counsellor, because Louise has always been very fond of drama. She squeezes Sasha’s shoulder and mutters, ‘Call me,’ and then she’s walking away. Max trails after her without a word. I got my wish after all.
Everyone starts to talk at once. Lucas puts his hand on my knee. He’s the only one I hear. His touch on my bare skin almost makes me lose the plot. ‘Jem?’
‘Don’t touch me.’ The words are cold and hard and he recoils. He removes his hand from my leg.
Still he comes back for more. ‘Jem? Talk to me, please? We can sort this out …’ The hand is back, more tentative this time. ‘I’m sure there must be some explanation, right? I—’
‘I said: Don’t. Fucking. Touch me.’ I brush his hand off and look anywhere but his face. I can’t watch his face as I do this.
Sasha’s up next. ‘Jem, just tell them you didn’t do it, OK? This is hilarious and all that, but can we just pretend it never happened and go home? You played a practical joke. It backfired. Let’s just forget about it. Please?’ She crouches down in front of me and tries to score some eye contact. Eventually she succeeds and it’s painful to look at her. Her eyes are wide; she looks scared almost.
‘Are you fucking stupid or something, Sasha? Actually, don’t answer. We all know the answer to that. Do you really need me to spell it out for you? I put those magazines in Bugs’s car. I wrote that stuff on the wall. And while we’re confessing things, I might as well tell you that there is no fucking way I’m your “best friend”. I can barely stand to be around you. I’ve never met anyone in my whole life so shallow and self-obsessed in my whole life. And I’ve met Amber, so that’s saying something.’
Sasha takes a moment to process the information. She shakes her head and frowns. ‘What … why are you doing this?’ I think she might cry. I might too if I’m not careful. Just got to hold it together for a little while longer.
Stu’s been pacing up and down. ‘You bitch. You fucking bitch. Do you have any idea what you’ve done? This is about that night at the party, isn’t it? You thought I was trying to … going to …’
‘Rape me?’ I don’t know where this calm person has come from, but she’s speaking for me while I cower somewhere deep inside. This person is starting to scare me.
‘I would never do something like that! Jesus!’ He stalks up and down some more, swigs some more whisky from the bottle. The others seem to be waiting to see how this plays out. I’m wondering whether it would be a bad idea to ask for some whisky. Probably.
Stu takes a deep breath, clearly trying to calm himself. ‘Look, just because it happened to you … before … I’m sorry about that, I really am. But that doesn’t mean any guy who wants to fuck you is a potential rapist, OK?’
Sasha’s eyes go even wider, if that’s possible, and Lucas flinches. ‘What’s he talking about, Jem? I don’t understand.’ His voice is gentle.
Stu laughs bitterly. ‘I’m talking about the night your girlfriend pounced on me at Max’s party and then changed her mind about shagging me.’
Lucas jumps to his feet and I swear he’s about to deck Stu. Bugs holds him back, his brute strength coming in handy. ‘You shut the fuck up. Let her speak.’ Even now, Lucas is willing to defend me. Willing to think the best of me despite mounting evidence to the contrary.
I get to my feet. It’s nearly time to go.
Sasha stands too, takes hold of my arm and says quietly, ‘Did someone rape you? Is that what this is all about?’
I laugh, and I honestly can’t tell if it’s a real laugh or one I conjure
d up to piss Stu off even more. ‘No! Nobody raped me.’
Stu’s shaking his head now, utterly disbelieving. ‘But you told me … What kind of fucked-up person would lie about something like that?! Louise was right – you’re fucking crazy, aren’t you?’ He gets right up close to me now, his sneering face centimetres from mine, as if we’re about to kiss. ‘You’re not going to get away with this.’ He spits out the words and a fine spray of saliva hits my lips. Lucas muscles his way in between us and shoves Stu away from me.
Stu doubles over in pain, struggling to breathe. He even drops the whisky bottle. Bugs puts a hand on his shoulder. ‘Dude, are you OK? What’s the matter?’
After a few seconds of panting, he straightens up slowly, painfully. ‘You really want to know? Fine. Fuck it.’ He moves closer to the fire and pulls up his hoodie, revealing his perfect abs. And a big reddish purple mark under his pecs.
Everyone apart from me winces at the sight. ‘What happened?’ Bugs asks.
Stu’s smiling now, looking even more menacing as he turns to me. ‘Well, Jem, turns out I didn’t get hurt at tae kwon do last night. Turns out my bastard stepfather beat the crap out of me because he thinks I’m some kind of sex offender. Told my mum he wanted to “teach the little fucker a lesson he won’t forget”. Said he’d be surprised if I went anywhere near another girl after the beating he was going to give me. Mum didn’t even try to stop him. She never does. And I didn’t fight back. I tried that once before and he started on my little brother. Better he uses me as a punchbag than Danny.’ He sniffs and wipes his nose on his sleeve.
Bugs says, ‘Shit. Why didn’t you say anything, mate?’
Stu shrugs. ‘It’s nothing I can’t handle. It’s not like he does it every week or anything. And it’s usually only when he’s hammered. Not this time though – he was sober as a fucking judge. Broke a couple of ribs, I’m pretty sure. All because this little bitch decided to get creative with a fucking marker pen.’
Lucas isn’t standing quite so close to me any more. I didn’t notice him moving away, but he’s closer to Stu now. The unwavering loyalty has started to waver.
Sasha’s still close to me though and there are tears running down her face. It’s all too much for her drunk brain to cope with. She takes a deep breath and rakes her fingers through her hair, trying to massage some thoughts into her brain. ‘Right … this is all completely fucked up. We should talk about this tomorrow when everyone’s calmed down.’
‘No. I think we should talk about this now actually.’ I walk towards Stu and now I’m the one getting in his face. His breath is vile. ‘You deserved everything you got, you fucking low-life prick. So what if you haven’t actually raped anyone? It was only a matter of time. Why do you think someone kept writing it again every time the caretaker cleaned it off? Clearly I’m not the only one who knows what you’re like. Knows that you’re a sleazy, disgusting sexual predator …’ I don’t know where these words are coming from, but they’re spilling out of me. I know I should stop. I know I’m going too far, but I can’t help myself. I’m smiling as I say the next words. ‘And you know what? Your stepfather had the right idea. I only wish he’d kicked a little harder, maybe punctured a lung.’
This is what does it. This is what makes him snap. He shoves me, hard. And I stumble backwards, not quite losing my balance. I smile again. ‘See? Using physical violence against a poor, defenceless girl? You’re pathetic …’ I’m just about to say something about Kai, about Stu as good as killing my best friend. But I don’t get a chance, because he rushes at me. And I know in that second that he’s capable of doing some real damage. That he’s so full of rage and hurt that he won’t stop. I think he wants me dead. And that would be fine with me.
He grabs me by the shoulders and screams in my face, ‘I’m going to fucking kill you!’ The fact that I show no fear seems to make him even angrier. And I’m genuinely curious to see what he’s going to do next, but Lucas is trying to pull him away, shouting at him to calm down, take it easy.
Too many things are happening at once. Stu is shaking me, screaming obscenities. Lucas is behind Stu, arms wrapped around his torso, trying to get him under control. But Stu’s stronger than him, even though he’s smaller.
Sasha is crying and crying and shouting at everyone to calm down. Then she makes a mistake and tries to get between me and Stu. What is she thinking? If Lucas can’t do anything, there’s no way she can. But she does. She does something – and I’m pretty sure she elbows him in that exact spot on his ribs, because he cries out in pain and he pushes her.
The push was pure instinct. He was under threat and in pain, so he lashed out. That’s all it was. But the way he catches her on the shoulder spins her round and away from us.
And she trips over something. A tree root, perhaps.
She’s falling. And there’s nothing anyone can do.
She’s falling and I open my mouth to say something or scream something, but I don’t know what.
She’s falling.
Face first into the fire.
chapter fifty-two
I was supposed to make a big speech about what they did to Kai. I was supposed to have my moment with all of them looking at me, aghast at my audacious plan. They were supposed to feel guilty and ashamed. I was supposed to humiliate Lucas in front of his friends, tell him I was only going out with him to get my revenge. Tell him I could never love someone like him. He was supposed to be crushed.
I had it all worked out in my head. I’d thought about it for months. The party in the woods seemed like the perfect opportunity. Even the fact that it was so close to where he died seemed right, in a way. Like it was meant to be, almost.
I’d pictured it time and time again. Bugs realizing he’d been given a taste of his own medicine. The look on Stu’s face when he found out the truth. Breaking Lucas’s heart. I’d never truly believed that would be possible – I was just going to go for dumping him in front of everyone, calling him a lousy shag. But the way Lucas had been looking at me had changed recently; it had softened somehow. Still, him saying he loved me was almost too good to be true. And the timing couldn’t have been better. Like I said: meant to be.
This was not meant to be.
Burning hair and blistering flesh and screaming. So much screaming. Mine and hers, different in tone yet merging together in a hellish chorus. I will never forget the sound of her screams for the rest of my life. It will haunt me forever, just as it should.
When I was nine Gran baked a cake for my birthday. She baked one for me every year, but this is the one I remember best. It was chocolate, with more layers than I’d ever seen on a cake. Shavings of chocolate were heaped on top (Dairy Milk, I was pretty sure, since I’d sneaked a taste before the party). Nine candles, evenly spaced.
There were lots of kids at the party, but Kai’s the only one who’s clear in my memory. The others are blank faces. Except for Louise. She was there too.
I knelt on a chair, hovering over the cake while everyone sang ‘Happy Birthday’ (Kai sang extra loud, of course). They did the whole hip-hip-hooray thing, and then it was time for me to blow out the candles. I took a deep breath and blew as hard as I could, getting six of them in one go. I leaned over the cake to get the two on the far side, and as I did so, the candle nearest me caught my hair. The air filled with that unmistakable smell, I yelped, and Mum grabbed a napkin to extinguish the flame. It was no big drama, really. A few singed strands of hair. But I never forgot that smell.
The smell of Sasha’s hair burning is lodged at the back of my throat; I can almost taste it. I suppose I should be relieved that it’s strong enough to obliterate the memory of the smell of burning flesh.
She’s still in A&E. Apparently they’re arranging transport to a special burns unit in Liverpool. That’s all I know. Lucas told me. He wouldn’t look at me, but he came and told me at least. He’s in the family waiting room with Sasha’s parents. I saw Mr and Mrs Evans arrive. He was in a dinner jacket and bow tie, she w
as wearing a beautiful midnight-blue dress. I think Sasha had said they were going to some charity benefit. They do that kind of thing a lot apparently. Tears were streaming down Sasha’s mum’s face; her make-up was a mess. Her dad looked pale and tense. They didn’t notice me lurking at the end of the corridor. I took one look and went through a set of double doors in search of somewhere to wait far away from the others.
She could die. Sasha could die and it would be my fault. Other people might blame Stu for pushing her, but we know the truth.
If she doesn’t die, she might wish she had.
I called home, told Mum what had happened. I wasn’t even crying. Mum asked me a lot of questions that I couldn’t answer; then she started to cry. She said they’d be at the hospital in ten minutes and I had to beg her not to come. She couldn’t understand why, but I begged and begged until she agreed to give me a few hours at least. She didn’t say anything about the fact that we’d been partying in the woods instead of at Lucas’s house like I’d told her. I was grateful for that.
I can’t stop thinking about her face. Her perfect face.
Once Lucas had put out the flames with a blanket, none of us knew what to do next. Sasha kept screaming and there was nothing we could do to make her stop. Lucas was the only one who was any use. He told Bugs to find some water, then he poured it on her face. I had no idea if this was the right thing to do, but he seemed so confident, so calm.
There was only one bottle of water; everything else was spirits. Whenever anyone in our family has even the tiniest burn or scald, Mum makes us hold it under the cold tap for at least ten minutes. I don’t know what difference it makes, but she’s adamant about it. So what good could one measly bottle of water possibly do? We’d have been better off chucking Sasha in the river.