by Cat Clarke
She stands in front of me, the rain gradually turning her hair a darker red. I’m determined not to be the first one to speak.
‘Hi. Is everything … OK?’ She starts to shiver and I bet she wishes she’d worn a hoodie. Or just stayed in her stupid car.
‘Yes.’
‘Can I give you a lift or something?’
‘No.’ My tone’s a little harsh and I can’t help adding a quiet ‘thank you’, even though I really don’t want to. Old habits die hard, I guess.
‘Are you sure? Is there someone I can call then?’
I shake my head.
‘Look, I’m not going to leave you here, OK? I wouldn’t want you to …’ She nods her head, indicating the river below and half laughs in a self-conscious sort of way.
‘What makes you think I would?’
‘Oh, I don’t know … maybe something to do with the fact that you’re standing here in the pissing rain at an ungodly hour on a Saturday morning?’
A snort of laughter escapes me even though there’s really nothing to laugh about. ‘Good point. No need to worry, I’m not going to top myself …’ I don’t add the yet that I’m screaming inside. I look at my watch and it’s just about a respectable time to turn up at someone’s front door, and I am freezing. ‘Actually, I could do with a lift back into town, if it’s not too much trouble.’
The woman’s face lights up, and you can tell she thinks she’s just saved a life. She’ll probably go home and tell her husband or boyfriend or cat all about it. She probably reckons there’s some seriously good karma coming her way. Who knows? Maybe there is, for making sure I don’t die of hypothermia before I’m ready.
As we’re getting into the car she tells me her name is Melissa. ‘And you are … ?’
‘Kai.’ I say it without thinking.
‘That’s an unusual name. Kai – it suits you.’
Melissa turns the heating up and talks pretty much non-stop the rest of the way. It’s only a five-minute journey, but I find out a lot about her in those five minutes. It’s amazing how much a complete stranger is willing to share with you when they think they’ve saved your life.
When she pulls up outside the house, she puts her hand on my arm. ‘Are you going to be OK, Kai?’ She really seems to care. It’s sort of sweet actually.
‘I’ll be fine. Thank you. I’m glad you stopped.’
She reaches into the glovebox and hands me a card. I hold the edges of the card between my thumb and forefinger and stare at it. It’s a business card – all fancy and embossed. Melissa Hill. She’s an estate agent. I thought estate agents were supposed to be the spawn of the devil? That’s what Dad’s always saying.
Melissa looks embarrassed all of a sudden. ‘Look, I know this is a bit weird, but call me, won’t you, if you ever – I don’t know – need someone to talk to? OK … now you think I’m crazy, don’t you? I don’t blame you. Just … remember there’s always another option. And things do get better, you know. Trust me.’ Her face is flushed red and she’s staring at the raindrops trickling down the windscreen instead of looking at me. She’s talking about herself now – that’s as clear as anything. It makes me itch with embarrassment for her. That she would expose herself like this.
‘Thank you.’ I clamber out of the car and shut the door before she has a chance to say anything else. I watch as she drives away – all the way along the street until the car turns the corner. There are no other cars for me to watch. No joggers. No dog walkers. Not even a plastic bag blowing down the street that I could pretend to be interested in.
The sensation in the pit of my stomach is similar to the feeling I had the last time I walked up this particular driveway. It’s fear, plain and simple. But I have no reason to be afraid any more. The worst has already happened. Kai. Sasha. This is just about finding out why.
Why would anyone do something like that?
Why would a sister do something like that to her own brother?
chapter fifty-five
Sebastian opens the front door wearing a pair of tight white boxers slung low over his bony hips. He scratches his armpit and looks confused. ‘Gemma, right?’
I hate people calling me Gemma. HATE IT.
‘Are Max and Louise up yet?’
Sebastian yawns and his face transforms into something gargoyle-like. ‘Fuck knows. I think I heard the shower going earlier, so you might be in luck.’ He clearly has no idea what happened last night. Either that or he doesn’t care. I wonder if Amber’s here, sprawled on Sebastian’s bed, completely unaware that one of her best friends very nearly died last night.
Sebastian ushers me into the house and hitches up his pants. ‘Go on up. Better knock first in case they’re getting it on … On second thoughts, don’t bother.’
I’m not sure how to take this, so I say nothing and head up the stairs. I turn and catch Sebastian checking out my bum, and he doesn’t even bother to pretend otherwise. ‘Third door on the left,’ he says with a smirk on his face. Wanker.
I stand in front of the door. There’s no telltale sign saying: ‘Max’s room – KEEP OUT’, but that’s probably because Max isn’t ten years old. I knock before I can change my mind.
Max calls out, ‘Come in.’ And then I’m there. I’m in the room I’ve only seen in that hideous video. I’m staring at the bed that Kai knelt in front of. The duvet cover’s the same.
Louise is sitting cross-legged on the bed, nibbling on a slice of toast with peanut butter. Peanut butter was Kai’s favourite too. Max is sitting on the floor, tapping away on an impossibly slimline Apple laptop. They’re both fully dressed, thank God. Max seems surprised to see me; Louise does not.
‘Drowned rat is a really good look for you, Jem. Also, nice work last night. Really.’
‘Louise!’ Max slams the lid of his laptop. ‘How are you doing, Jem? It must have been awful.’
I close the door behind me and lean against it. I don’t want to be any closer to Louise than is absolutely necessary.
Louise speaks through a mouthful of toast. ‘What are you doing here? Just popped by for a cuppa on your way to church? Off to confess your sins, are you?’
This is the real Louise McBride. This is the Louise she’s been hiding so carefully for the past couple of months. I wonder why she’s decided to unleash the beast now, before I’ve even said anything. It makes me wonder if she knows what’s coming. Or maybe she’s just tired of putting on an act; I know I am.
Max is looking uncomfortable and I can hardly blame him. No boy wants to get caught in the crossfire between two girls who hate each other. ‘Max, would you mind leaving us alone for a couple of minutes?’
He’s halfway to his feet before Louise tells him to sit down. And he does – without a word. He’s a well-trained dog, knowing full well that if he disobeys his master he’ll get a good kicking later. Louise turns to me. ‘You’re not coming here and booting him out of his own room. You can say what you have to say in front of Max or you can just fuck off home. Maybe think about something to buy Sasha … though Clinton’s didn’t make a “Sorry I melted your face” card last time I checked. What the fuck were you thinking?’
Max isn’t looking at either of us. He’s fiddling with the upturned corner of a stripy rug. Kai knelt on that rug.
I turn to Louise. ‘Well, if you’re sure you don’t mind Max hearing this, I don’t mind either. And don’t play games with me, Louise. You know full well what I was thinking. Mostly because you’re the one who made me think it.’ I’d only realized this a second before I said it. Jon hadn’t written the note – of course he hadn’t.
She licks some peanut butter from her thumb and smiles. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘How could you do it? Just answer me that and I’ll go. And I’m not going to tell anyone, if that’s what you’re wondering. Kai wouldn’t want everyone knowing that his own sister would betray him like that. So – tell me how you could do something like that to your brother, and I’ll leave you
in peace.’
Silence stretches right out to the corners of the room. I’m looking at Louise, and I’m pretty sure Max is too. Louise is looking at me, cool as you like, utterly unfazed by this turn of events. ‘How could I do what?’ She’s not smiling any more.
‘You really want me to say it? Fine. How could you film Kai and email it to people?’ Another thought occurs to me. ‘Did he know it was you?’
I glance at Max, expecting him to say something. He’s fiddling with the corner of the rug again.
‘What makes you think it was me?’ Louise licks her lips. They look cracked and dry. She glances towards the door, then the window, like she’s looking for an escape route. Then she shakes her head and I can see the facade crumbling before my eyes. ‘I didn’t mean to do it.’ She sounds like a child.
I take a couple of steps towards her because I want to hurt her. I really, really want to make her feel pain. She doesn’t move, doesn’t even look bothered, maybe because she thinks she deserves it. Or maybe she knows that I’m not actually going to touch her. I stand there and wait her out.
‘Look … I made a mistake, OK? A really terrible, really fucking big mistake. And nothing you can say or do will make me feel any worse about it than I already do, so don’t even bother. And no, he didn’t know who did it.’ She crosses her arms defensively; she looks small, weak almost. It’s some consolation, I suppose. That he didn’t know his sister had ruined his life.
‘I don’t understand how you could have … You must have known it would destroy him.’
A flicker of fire returns to her eyes. ‘Did you think he was going to jump off a bridge?’ The words make me flinch, but I say nothing. ‘No. Of course you didn’t. Because you wouldn’t have left his side for a second if you thought there was even the slightest chance.’
She’s right about that. It never crossed my mind – not a glimmer of a hint of a possibility. It’s hardly the point though, is it? She knew he would be devastated. She knew it would make his life a misery.
Louise takes my silence for agreement. ‘Thought not. Now, if you don’t mind, we’ve got things to do …’ She stands up to usher me out of the room.
The ‘we’ reminds me that Max is still here, no matter how hard he tries to blend into the background. I look at him. ‘Aren’t you going to say something?’
He looks up at me and shakes his head. There’s something there though – a look in his eyes that’s hard to place. ‘Doesn’t this bother you?’ And then I realize that I might not know what the look means, but I know what it doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean surprise. ‘What the … ? Fuck. You knew, didn’t you? You knew it was her and you didn’t say anything. Wow. That’s a whole new level of spineless I never knew existed. You’re as bad as your sleazy brother – worse in fact.’ Max clenches his jaw but still says nothing. ‘You do realize that she made me think it was Stu and the others? She’s the reason I wrote the graffiti. She’s the reason I went out with Lucas. It’s all her fault.’ Not true. Not even close.
Louise gets right in my face now. ‘I think you should leave. Now.’ We’re exactly the same height because she’s barefoot. She looks even worse up close – tired and haggard and haunted. But her eyes look so much like Kai’s that for a second it’s hard to breathe.
‘Actually, Louise, while we’re on the subject, why did you blame them? I thought they were supposed to be your friends? Or is that what passes for loyalty with your lot?’
I think she’s going to lie or fob me off, so it’s surprising when she says, ‘They deserved it. They’ve never been my friends. Lucas barely even noticed I existed before I started going out with Max, and Bugs was the same – fawning over Sasha like she’s something special. And Stu … he’s a fucking animal and you know it. Thought he could have me on tap whenever he wanted me, then chuck me aside as soon as someone new caught his eye. I showed him.’ She’s almost smirking.
Another light bulb flashes in my brain. She was the one who kept writing the graffiti. I shake my head in disbelief. I know I haven’t liked her in years, but I had no idea she’d turned into someone so bitter. So hard and cold. And without even realizing, I’ve been following in Louise’s footsteps, faking my way into Team Popular, pretending to like people I despise.
I back up a little because she’s still right in my face, but she takes another step towards me. Like we’re locked together in some hideous dance. Max is finally getting to his feet, hopefully to make sure Louise doesn’t do anything crazy. But he just picks up his laptop and puts it carefully in its case. I want to grab the fucking thing and throw it out the window.
Louise reaches out suddenly and I flinch before I realize she’s just opening the door. It’s not like I thought she was going to hit me or anything. ‘I don’t know how you can live with yourself. Kai was ten times the person you’ll ever be, you know that, don’t you?’ Even knowing everything she’s done, I feel a twinge of guilt as my words hang in the air.
‘I’ve always known that,’ she snaps. ‘Even if it hadn’t been made clear to me every single day of my life, I’d still know that. But he shouldn’t have–’ She shakes her head quickly, eyes closed.
‘Shouldn’t have what?’
‘Nothing.’ And it’s the type of nothing that makes you absolutely certain it’s something.
‘Louise, if there’s something you’re not telling me …’ I sound like I’m in control now. I sound like someone who should be listened to. Someone dangerous almost. It’s an act, but she’s not to know that.
She shakes her head again and looks away. Looks at Max.
And that’s when I know. That’s when I realize I’ve been stupid. We’ve all been so very stupid.
chapter fifty-six
‘You. It was you.’ Not a question. A statement of fact.
Max slumps down onto the bed. Louise closes the door. And then the most bizarre thing happens: Max starts to cry. Louise says, ‘Oh for fuck’s sake,’ and stomps over to the window, turning her back on us both.
As Max sits there sniffling I can’t help but notice he’s sitting in the same position he was sitting in that night. It would be funny if it wasn’t so awful. ‘So you’re … gay?’
‘No! Fuck no!’ He swipes at the tears with the sleeve of his shirt. ‘I liked him. That’s all.’ A derisory snort from Louise.
My brain’s working hard to put together the pieces. It’s all so simple now. Like one of those four-piece jigsaws for toddlers. So. Fucking. Obvious. ‘That wasn’t the first time, was it? At the party?’ My voice is gentle; for some reason the fight has gone out of me. I actually find myself feeling sorry for this boy. It’s not his fault. Not really.
Louise answers, ‘Oh no. They’d been at it for a good few weeks by then. My brother fucking my boyfriend. Can you even begin to imagine how that feels?’ For the very first time I try to put myself in her shoes; they’re not very comfortable shoes to be in. ‘I found a text from Kai on his phone, talking about hooking up at the party.’ She shudders with revulsion and I can’t tell if it’s the thought of two boys hooking up, or these two boys in particular.
‘So you … filmed them?’ This is the thing that’s hardest to understand. It’s cruel, calculated. But I have never, ever been able to understand this girl.
She leans on the windowsill and crosses her arms defensively. ‘I wasn’t planning it or anything. I was upset. And wasted.’
‘You weren’t wasted when you emailed it though, were you?’ It’s a petty point to make, but I can’t help myself. I already know that she’s going to get away with it. That no one will ever know the truth. I could tell people, if I really wanted to. I could tell Lucas and the others, tell the police. But it wouldn’t make anything better. Lucas and Sasha would never forgive me. Kai would still be dead, but it would be even worse because the newspapers would be raking over his personal life. And two more lives would be ruined – the lives of people that Kai really cared about. I won’t tell.
Max has his head in his hands and
I want to put my arms around him. I want to tell him that it’s OK – that I don’t blame him. That it really doesn’t matter if he’s gay or bi or whatever. That he doesn’t need to stay with Louise if he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t need to have a girlfriend, and especially not one as fucked up as her. I want to ask him how he could have stayed with her all this time, knowing what she’d done. Had she been holding it over him, threatening to out him if he did anything wrong? Did she remind him of Kai in some way? Or did he actually care about her and want to make a go of things? Had he loved Kai? Had Kai loved him? There are so many things I want to say and questions I want to ask. But I won’t. I don’t know this boy at all, even though he’s the key to everything.
I feel stretched and flattened by the truth. It’s time for me to go.
I turn my back on them.
I’m opening the door when Max says, ‘You’re not going to say anything to anyone are you, Jem?’ He doesn’t sound too hopeful.
I take one last look at him. One last look at her. They’re broken too. I shouldn’t forget that. But I can’t quite bring myself to reassure them. I’m not sure they deserve it.
They’ll know the answer to Max’s question soon enough.
I walk home so slowly that sometimes I’m hardly moving forward at all. I keep trying to picture it all going differently.
Max and Louise would never have got together. No. That’s not the start. Kai and I would be living in a world where nobody cared about your sexual orientation. Being gay wouldn’t be gossiped about or frowned upon – it wouldn’t even be worth mentioning. It would just be a fact. A mundane sort of fact. Max would arrive at school and Kai would fancy him and he would fancy Kai, and one of them would ask the other one out (Max would do the asking, most probably). And I wouldn’t be jealous because I would see how happy Kai was.
A year later and they would still be together. And they would be that couple. The one that just seems right. You can imagine them staying together forever because they’re just so damn perfect for each other. You don’t resent them though, because they give you hope. Maybe one day you could be as happy as they are. But you don’t mind waiting, because for now you have your best friend (and favourite person in the world) by your side and that’s enough.