by Tana French
She was doing a PhD in English literature, I pointed out. I know zip about English literature, Frank. I got an A in my Leaving Cert, but thats it. I dont speak the jargon.
Frank shrugged. Neither did Lexie, as far as we know, and she managed to pull it off. If she can do it, so can you. Again, were in luck there: she couldve been doing pharmacy, or engineering. And if you get sweet fuck-all done on her thesis, well, hey, what do they expect? Ironically enough, that stab wounds going to come in useful: we can give you post-traumatic stress, amnesia, whatever we fancy.
Any boyfriend? There is a limit to what Im prepared to do for the job.
No, so your virtue is safe. And the other thing working for us: you know those photos? Our girl had a video phone, and it looks like the five of them used it as the group camcorder. The image qualitys not brilliant, but she had a whacking great memory card and its packed with clipsher and her mates on nights out, on picnics, moving into their new gaff, doing it up, everything. So youve got a ready-made guide to her voice, her body language, mannerisms, the tone of the relationshipseverything a girl could ask for. And youre good, Cassie. Youre a damn fine undercover. Put it all together, and Id say were in with a pretty good chance of pulling this off.
He tipped up the glass to get the last drops and reached for his jacket. Been fun catching up, babe. You have my mobile number. Let me know what you decide about tomorrow night.
And he let himself out. It was only as the door shut behind him that I realized what I had slipped into asking: What about college, any boyfriend? as if I were checking the plan for holes; as if I were thinking about doing it.
* * *
Franks always had a knack for knowing exactly when to leave it. After hed gone, I sat on the windowsill for a long time, staring out over the rooftops without seeing them. It was only when I got up for another glass of wine that I realized he had left something on my coffee table.
It was the photo of Lexie and her mates in front of Whitethorn House. I stood there, with the wine bottle in one hand and my glass in the other, and thought about turning it face down and leaving it there till Frank gave up and came back for it; thought, for a minute, about sticking it in an ashtray and burning it. Then I picked it up and brought it back to the windowsill with me.
She could have been any age. She had been passing for twenty-six, but I would have believed nineteen, or thirty. There wasnt a mark on her face, not a line or a scar or a chicken-pox blemish. Whatever life had thrown at her before Lexie Madison fell into her lap, it had rolled over her and burned off like mist, left her untouched and pristine, sealed without a crack. I looked older than her: Operation Vestal gave me my first lines around my eyes, and shadows that dont go away with a good nights sleep. I could practically hear Frank: You lost a shitload of blood and youve been in a coma for days, the eye bags are perfect, dont go using night cream.
At her shoulders the housemates watched me, poised and smiling, long dark coats billowing and Rafes scarf a flash of crimson. The angle of the shot was a little off-kilter; they had propped the camera on something, used a timer. There was no photographer on the other side telling them to say cheese. Those smiles were private things, just for one another, for their someday selves looking back, for me.
And behind them, almost filling the shot, Whitethorn House. It was a simple house: a wide gray Georgian, three stories, with the sash windows getting smaller as they went up, to give the illusion of even more height. The door was deep blue, paint peeling away in big patches; a flight of stone steps led up to it on either side. Three neat rows of chimney pots, thick drifts of ivy sweeping up the walls almost to the roof. The door had fluted columns and a peacocks-tail fanlight, but apart from that there was no decoration; just the house.
This countrys passion for property is built into the blood, a current as huge and primal as desire. Centuries of being turned out on the roadside at a landlords whim, helpless, teach your bones that everything in life hangs on owning your home. This is why house prices are what they are: property developers know they can charge half a million for a one-bedroom dive, if they band together and make sure theres no other choice the Irish will sell a kidney, work hundred-hour weeks and pay it. Somehowmaybe its the French bloodthat gene missed me. The thought of a mortgage round my neck makes me edgy. I like the fact that my flat is rented, four weeks notice and a couple of bin liners and I could be gone any time I choose.
If I had ever wanted a house, though, it would have been a lot like this one. This had nothing in common with the characterless pseudohouses all my friends were buying, shrunken middle-of-nowhere shoeboxes that come with great spurts of sticky euphemisms (architect-designed bijou residence in brand-new luxury community) and sell for twenty times your income and are built to last just till the developer can get them off his hands. This was the real thing, one serious do-not-fuck-with-me house with the strength and pride and grace to outlast everyone who saw it. Tiny swirling flecks of snow blurred the ivy and hung in the dark windows, and the silence of it was so huge that I felt like I could put my hand straight through the glossy surface of the photo and down into its cool depths.
I could find out who this girl was and what had happened to her without ever going in there. Sam would tell me when they got an ID or a suspect; probably he would even let me watch the interrogation. But right at the bottom of me I knew that was all he would ever get, her name and her killer, and I would be left to wonder about everything else for the rest of my life. That house shimmered in my mind like some fairy fort that appeared for one day in a lifetime, tantalizing and charged, with those four cool figures for guardians and inside secrets too hazy to be named. My face was the one pass that would unbar the door. Whitethorn House was ready and waiting to whisk itself away to nothing, the instant I said no.
I realized the photo was about three inches from my nose; I had been sitting there long enough that it was getting dark, the owls doing their warm-up exercises above the ceiling. I finished off the wine and watched the sea turn thunder-colored, the blink of the lighthouse far off on the horizon. When I figured I was drunk enough not to care if he gloated, I texted Frank: What time is that meeting?
My phone beeped about ten seconds later: 7 sharp, see you there. He had had his mobile ready to hand, waiting for me to say yes.
* * *
That evening Sam and I had our first fight. This was probably overdue, given that we had been going out for three months without even a mild disagreement, but the timing sucked all round.
Sam and I got together a few months after I left Murder. Im not sure exactly how that happened. I dont remember a whole lot about that period; I appear to have bought a couple of truly depressing sweaters, the kind you only wear when all you really want is to curl up under the bed for several years, which occasionally made me wonder about the wisdom of any relationship I had acquired around the same time. Sam and I had got close on Operation Vestal, stayed that way after the walls came tumbling downthe nightmare cases do that to you, that or the oppositeand long before the case ended I had decided he was pure gold, but a relationship, with anyone, was the last thing I had in mind.
He got to my place around nine. Hi, you, he said, giving me a kiss and a full-on hug. His cheek was cold from the wind outside. Something smells good.
The flat smelled of tomatoes and garlic and herbs. I had a complicated sauce simmering and water boiling and a huge packet of ravioli at the ready, going by the same principle women have followed since the dawn of time: if you have something to tell him that he doesnt want to hear, make sure there is food. Im being domesticated, I told him. I cleaned and everything. Hi, honey, how was your day?
Ah, sure, Sam said vaguely. Well get there in the end. As he pulled off his coat, his eyes went to the coffee table: wine bottles, corks, glasses. Have you been seeing fancy men behind my back?
Frank, I said. Not ver
y fancy.
The laughter went out of Sams face. Oh, he said. What did he want?
I had been hoping to save this for after dinner. For a detective, my crime-scene cleanup skills suck. He wanted me to come to your case meeting tomorrow night, I said, as casually as I could, heading over to the kitchenette to check the garlic bread. He went at it sideways, but thats what he was after.
Slowly Sam folded his coat, draped it over the back of the sofa. What did you say?
I thought about it a lot, I said. I want to go.
Hed no right, Sam said, quietly. A red flush was starting high on his cheekbones. Coming here behind my back, putting pressure on you when I wasnt there to
I wouldve decided exactly the same way if youd been standing right here, I said. Im a big girl, Sam. I dont need protecting.
I dont like that fella, Sam said sharply. I dont like the way he thinks and I dont like the way he works.
I slammed the oven door. Hes trying to solve this case. Maybe you dont agree with the way hes doing it
Sam shoved hair out of his eyes, hard, with his forearm. No, he said. No, hes not. Its not about solving the case. That fella Mackeythis case has bugger-all to do with him, no more than any other murder Ive worked, and I didnt see him showing up on those ones pulling strings right and left to get in on the action. Hes here for the crack, so he is. He thinks itll be a great laughthrowing you into the middle of a bunch of murder suspects, just because he can, and then waiting to see what happens. The mans bloody mad.
I pulled plates out of the cupboard. So what if he is? All Im doing is going to a meeting. Whats the huge big deal?
That mentallers using you, is the big deal. Youve not been yourself since that business last year
The words sent something straight through me, a swift vicious jolt like the shock from an electric fence. I whipped round on him, forgetting all about dinner; all I wanted to do with the plates was throw them at Sams head. Oh, no. Dont, Sam. Dont bring that into this.
Its already in it. Your man Mackey took one look at you and he knew something was up, figured hed have no problem pushing you into going along with his mad idea
The possessiveness of him, standing in the middle of my floor with his feet planted and his fists jammed furiously in his pockets: my case, my woman. I banged the plates down on the counter. I dont give a flying fuck what he figured, hes not pushing me into anything. This has nothing to do with what Frank wantsits got nothing to do with Frank, full stop. Sure, he tried to bulldoze me. I told him to fuck off.
Youre doing exactly what he asks you to. How the hell is that telling him to fuck off?
For a crazy second I wondered if he could actually be jealous of Frank and, if he was, what the hell I was supposed to do about it. And if I dont go to the meeting, Ill be doing exactly what you ask me to. Would that mean Im letting you push me around? I decided I wanted to go tomorrow. You think Im not able to do that all by myself? Jesus Christ, Sam, last year didnt lobotomize me!
Thats not what I said. Im just saying you havent been yourself since
This is myself, Sam. Take a good look: this is my fucking self. I did undercover years before Operation Vestal ever came along. So leave that out of it.
We stared at each other. After a moment Sam said, quietly, Yeah. Yeah, I suppose you did.
He dropped down on the sofa and ran his hands over his face. All of a sudden he looked wrecked, and the thought of what his day had been like sent a pang through me. Sorry, he said. For bringing that up.
Im not trying to get into an argument, I said. My knees were shaking and I had no idea how we had ended up fighting about this, when we were basically on the same side. Just . . . leave it, OK? Please, Sam. Im asking you.
Cassie, Sam said. His round, pleasant face had a look of anguish that didnt belong there. I cant do this. What if . . . God. What if something happens to you? On my case, that had nothing to do with you. Because I couldnt bloody well get my man. I cant live with that. I cant.
He sounded breathless, winded. I didnt know whether to hold him tight or kick him. What makes you think this has nothing to do with me? I demanded. This girl is my double, Sam. This girl was going around wearing my fucking face. How do you know your guy got the right one? Think about it. A postgrad who spends her time reading Charlotte bloody Brontë, or a detective whos put dozens of people away: whos more likely to have someone out to kill her?
There was a silence. Sam had worked on Operation Vestal, too. Both of us knew at least one person who would happily have had me killed without a second thought, and who was well able to get the job done. I could feel my heart banging, hard and high under my ribs.
Sam said, Are you thinking
Specific cases arent the point, I said, too curtly. The point is, for all we know I could be involved up to my tits already. And I dont want to be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. I cant live with that.
He flinched. It wouldnt be for the rest of your life, he said, quietly. I hope I can promise you that much, at least. I do plan to get this fella, you know.
I leaned back against the counter and took a breath. I know, Sam, I said. Im sorry. I didnt mean it that way.
If, God forbid, he was after you, then all the more reason to stay out of the way and let me find him.
The cheerful cooking smell had grown an acrid, dangerous edge: something was starting to burn. I switched off the cooker, shoved the pans to the backneither of us was going to feel like eating for a whileand sat down cross-legged on the sofa, facing Sam.
Youre treating me like your girlfriend, Sam, I said. Im not your girlfriend, not when it comes to this kind of thing. Im just another detective.
He gave me a sad, sideways little smile. Could you not be both?
I hope so, I said. I wished I hadnt finished the wine; this man needed a drink. I really do. But not like this.
After a while Sam let out a long breath, let his head fall back against the sofa. So you want to do it, he said. Mackeys plan.
No, I said. I just want to know about this girl. Thats why I said Id go to the meeting. Its got nothing to do with Frank and his wacko idea. I just want to hear about her.
Why? Sam demanded. He sat up and caught both my hands, making me look at him. There was a ragged edge to his voice, something frustrated and almost pleading. Whats she got to do with you? Shes no relation to you, no friend of yours, nothing. Shes happenstance, is all, Cassie: some girl who was looking for a new life and ran into the perfect chance.
I know, I said. I know, Sam. She doesnt even sound like a particularly nice person; if wed met, I probably wouldnt have liked her. Thats the whole point. I dont want her in my head. I dont want to be wondering about her. Im hoping that if I find out enough about her, I can drop the whole thing and forget she ever existed.
Ive a double, Sam said. He lives in Wexford, hes an engineer, and thats all I know about the man. About once a year, someone comes up to me and tells me Im the spit of himhalf the time they actually call me Brendan. We have a laugh about it, sometimes they take a photo of me on their phones to show him, and thats the end of that.
I shook my head. Thats different.
How?
For one thing, he hasnt been murdered.
No harm to the man, Sam said, but I wouldnt give a damn if he were. Unless I caught the case, itd be no problem of mine.
This girls my problem, I said. Sams hands were big and warm and solid around mine, and his hair was falling across his forehead like it always does when hes worried. It was a spring Saturday night; we should have been walking on some beach down the c
ountry, surrounded by dark and waves and curlews, or making something experimental for dinner and playing music too loud, or settled in a corner of one of those rare out-of-the-way pubs where people still sing ballads when it gets past closing time. I wish she wasnt, but she is.
Theres something here, Sam said, that Im not getting. He had let our hands drop onto my knees and was frowning down at them, running his thumb around one of my knuckles in a steady, automatic rhythm. All Im seeing is a bog-standard murder case, with a coincidence that could happen to anyone. Sure, I got a shock when I saw her, but thats only because I thought it was you. Once that was sorted, I figured everything would go back to normal. But you and Mackey, youre both acting like this girl was something to you; like its personal. What am I missing?
In a way, I said, it is personal, yeah. For Frank, partly its exactly what you saidhe thinks this would all be a big brilliant adventure. But its more than that. Lexie Madison started out as his responsibility, she was his responsibility for eight months while I was under, shes his responsibility now.