by Tana French
This isnt just callousness, or self-preservation. The cold fact is that every murder Ive worked was about the killer. The victimand imagine explaining this to families who have nothing left but the hope of a reasonthe victim was just the person who happened to wander into the sights when the gun was loaded and cocked. The control freak was always going to kill his wife the first time she refused to follow orders; your daughter happened to be the one who married him. The mugger was hanging around the alleyway with a knife, and your husband happened to be the next person who walked by. We go through victims lives with a fine-tooth comb, but were doing it to learn more not about them but about the murderer: if we can figure out the exact point where someone walked into those crosshairs, we can go to work with our dark, stained geometries and draw a line straight back to the barrel of the gun. The victim can tell us how, but almost never why. The only reason, the beginning and the end, the closed circle, is the killer.
This case had been different from the first moment. I had never been in any danger of forgetting about Lexie; and not just because I carried the reminder photo around with me, there every time I brushed my teeth or washed my hands. From the second I walked into that cottage, before I ever saw her face, this had been about her. For the first time ever, the murderer was the one I kept forgetting.
The possibility hit me like a wrecking ball: suicide. I felt like I had fallen off the windowsill, straight through the glass and down into cold air. If this killer had never been anything but invisible, if Lexie had been the core of the case all along, maybe it was because there had never been a killer at all: she was all there was. In that split second I saw it as clearly as if it were unfolding on the dark lawn below me, in all its slow sickening horror. The others putting away the cards and stretching, Wheres Lexie got to? And then the worry winding tighter and tighter, till finally they put on coats and went out into the night to look for her, torches, rain gusting hard, Lexie! Lex! The four of them crammed in the wrecked cottage, gasping for breath. Shaking hands feeling for a pulse, pressing harder; moving her into shelter and laying her out so gently, reaching for the knife, fumbling in her pockets for some note, some explanation, some word. MaybeJesusmaybe they had even found one.
A moment later, of course, my head cleared, my breath came back and I knew that was rubbish. It would explain a lotRafes snit fit, Daniels suspicions, Justins nerves, the moved body, the searched pocketsand weve all heard about cases where people staged everything from improbable accidents through murders, rather than let their loved ones be branded as suicides. But I couldnt think of a single reason why they would have left her there all night for someone else to find, and anyway women generally dont commit suicide by knifing themselves in the chest. And, above all that, there was the immovable fact that Lexieeven if whatever went down in March had somehow wrecked all this for her, this house, these friends, this lifewas about the last person in the world who would have killed herself. Suicides are people who cant see any other way out. From what we had learned, Lexie had had no trouble finding escape routes when she wanted them.
Downstairs Abby was humming to herself; Justin sneezed, a chain of small fastidious yelps; someone slammed a drawer. I was in bed and halfway asleep when I realized: I had forgotten all about ringing Sam.
8
God, that first week. Even thinking about it I want to bite into it like the worlds brightest red apple. In the middle of an all-out murder investigation, while Sam worked his way painstakingly through various shades of scumbag and Frank tried to explain our situation to the FBI without coming across like a lunatic, there was nothing I was supposed to be doing except living Lexies life. It gave me a gleeful, lazy, daring feeling right down to my toes, like mitching off school when its the best day of spring and you know your class has to dissect frogs.
On Tuesday I went back to college. In spite of the vast number of new opportunities to fuck up, I was looking forward to it. I loved Trinity, the first time round. It still has its centuries of graceful gray stone, red brick, cobblestones; you can feel the layers on layers of lost students streaming through Front Square beside you, feel the print of you being added to the air, archived, saved. If someone hadnt decided to drive me out of college, I might have turned into an eternal student like these four. Insteadand probably because of that same personI turned into a cop. I liked the thought that this had brought me full circle, back to reclaim the place Id lost. It felt like a strange, delayed victory, something salvaged against ridiculous odds.
You should probably know, Abby said, in the car, the rumor mills been going mental. Apparently it was a major coke deal gone wrong, also an illegal immigrantyou married him for money and then started blackmailing himalso an abusive ex-boyfriend who just got out of jail for beating you up. Brace yourself.
Also, I assume, Daniel said, maneuvering past an Explorer that was blocking two lanes, all of us, singly or in various combinations and for various motives. No ones said so to our faces, of course, but the inference is inevitable. He swung into the entrance of the Trinity car park and held up his ID for the security guard. If people ask questions, what are you going to tell them?
I havent decided yet, I said. I was thinking about saying Im the lost heir to some throne and a rival faction came after me, but I couldnt decide which throne. Do I look like a Romanov?
Definitely, said Rafe. They were a bunch of chinless weirdos. Go for that.
Be nice to me or Ill tell everyone you came after me with a cleaver in a drug-fueled rage.
Its not funny, said Justin. He hadnt brought his carI got the sense they all wanted to stick close together, just nowso he was in the back with me and Rafe, rubbing flecks of dirt off the windowpane and wiping his fingers on his handkerchief.
Well, said Abby, it wasnt funny last week, no. But now that youre back . . . She turned to grin at me, over her shoulder. Four-Boobs Brenda asked meyou know that horrible confidential whisper?if it was one of those games gone wrong. I just froze her out, but now Im thinking I could have made her day.
What amazes me about her, Daniel said, opening his door, is that shes so determined to believe were wildly interesting. If only she knew.
When we got out of the car I got my first real look at what Frank had meant about these four, how they came across to outsiders. As we walked down the long avenue between the sports fields something happened, a change as subtle and definite as water turning to ice: they moved closer, shoulder to shoulder and in step, backs straightening, heads lifting, expressions falling away from their faces. By the time we reached the Arts block the façade was in place, a barricade so impenetrable you could almost see it, cool and glinting like diamond. All that week in college, every time someone started angling for a good stare at meedging down the library shelves towards the corner where we had our carrels, rubbernecking round a newspaper in the tea queuethat barricade swung around like a Roman shield formation, confronting the intruder with four pairs of impassive, unblinking eyes, till he or she backed off. Collecting gossip was going to be a major problem; even Four-Boobs Brenda stopped midbreath, hovering over my desk, and then asked if she could borrow a pen.
Lexies thesis turned out to be a lot more fun than Id thought. The bits Frank had given me were mainly stuff about the Brontës, Currer Bell as the madwoman in the attic bursting free from demure Charlotte, truth in alias; not exactly comfortable reading, in the circumstances, but more or less what youd expect. What shed been working on just before she died was a lot snazzier: Rip Corelli, of She Dressed to Kill fame, turned out to be Bernice Matlock, a librarian from Ohio who had led a blameless life and written lurid pulp masterpieces in her spare time. I was starting to like the way Lexies mind had worked.
Id been worried that her supervisor would want me to come up with something that made academic senseLexie had been no idiot, her stuff was smart
and original and well thought out, and I was years out of practice. Id been worried about her supervisor all round, actually. Her tutorial students werent going to spot the differencewhen youre eighteen, most people over twenty-five are just generic adult white noisebut someone whod spent one-on-one time with her was a whole different story. One meeting with him reassured me. He was a bony, gentle, disconnected guy who was so paralyzed by the whole unfortunate incident that he could barely look me in the eye, and he told me to take all the recovery time I needed and not to worry about dead-lines. I figured I could handle a few weeks curled up in the library reading about hard-boiled PIs and dames who were nothing but trouble.
And in the evenings there was the house. We put some work into it almost every day, maybe for an hour or two, maybe just for twenty minutes: sand down the stairs, sort through a box from Uncle Simons stash, take turns climbing the stepladder to change the ancient brittle fittings on the lightbulbs. The crappiest jobsscrubbing stains off the toiletsgot the same time and care as the interesting ones; the four of them treated the house like some marvelous musical instrument, a Stradivarius or a Bösendorfer, that they had found in a long-lost treasure trove and were restoring with patient, enchanted, absolute love. I think the most relaxed I ever saw Daniel was flat on his stomach on the kitchen floor, wearing battered old trousers and a plaid shirt, painting baseboards and laughing at some story Rafe was telling, while Abby leaned over him to dip her brush, her ponytail whisking paint across his cheek.
They were very tactile, all of them. We never touched in college, but at home, someone was always touching someone: Daniels hand on Abbys head as he passed behind her chair, Rafes arm on Justins shoulder as they examined some spare-room discovery together, Abby lying back in the swing seat across my lap and Justins, Rafes ankles crossed over mine as we read by the fire. Frank made predictable snide noises about homosexuality and orgies, but I was on full alert for any kind of sexual vibethe babyand that wasnt what I was picking up. It was stranger and more powerful than that: they didnt have boundaries, not among themselves, not the way most people do. Your average house share involves a pretty high level of territorial disputetense negotiations over the remote control, house meetings about whether bread counts as personal or shared, Robs flatmate used to have a three-day snit fit if he used her butter. But these people: as far as I could tell, everything, except thank God underwear, belonged to all of them. The guys pulled clothes out of the airing cupboard at random, anything that would fit; I never did figure out which tops were officially Lexies and which ones were Abbys. They ripped sheets of paper out of each others notepads, ate toast off the nearest plate, took sips out of whatever glass was handy.
I didnt mention this to Frankhe would only have switched from orgy comments to dark warnings about communism, and I liked the blurred boundaries. They reminded me of something warm and solid that I couldnt quite pinpoint. There was a big green wax jacket, hanging in the coat closet left over from Uncle Simon, that belonged to anyone who was going out in the rain; the first time I put it on for my walk it gave me a strange, intoxicating little thrill, like holding hands with a boy for the very first time.
It was Thursday when I managed to put my finger on the feeling. The days were starting to lengthen towards summer and it was a clear, warm, graceful evening; after dinner we took a bottle of wine and a plate of sponge cake out onto the lawn. I had made a daisy chain and was trying to fasten it around my wrist. By this time I had given up on the not-drinking thingit felt out of character, it made the others think about the stabbing and tense up, and besides, whatever antibiotics and booze do together could get me out of there when I needed itso I was mildly, happily tipsy.
More cake, Rafe demanded, nudging me with his foot.
Get it yourself. Im busy. I had given up on fastening the daisy chain one-handed and was putting it on Justin instead.
Youre a lazy object, do you know that?
Look whos talking. I pulled one of my ankles round the back of my headall the gymnastics as a kid, Im flexibleand stuck my tongue out at Rafe from under my knee. Im active and healthy, look.
Rafe raised one eyebrow lazily. Im aroused.
Youre a pervert, I told him, with as much dignity as I could from that position.
Knock it off, Abby said. Youll burst your stitches, and were all too drunk to drive you to the emergency room.
Id forgotten all about my imaginary stitches. For a second I considered getting wound up about this, but I decided against it. The long evening sunshine and being barefoot and the tickle of grass, and presumably the booze, were making me light-headed and silly. It had been a long time since Id felt like this, and I liked it. I maneuvered my head round to peer sideways at Abby. Theyre fine. Theyre not even sore any more.
Thats because up until now you havent been tying yourself in knots, Daniel said. Behave.
Normally Im allergic to bossy, but somehow this felt nice; cozy. Yes, Dad, I said, and disentangled my leg, which sent me off balance so I fell over onto Justin.
Ow, get off me, he said, flapping a hand at me without much energy. God, how much do you weigh? I wriggled myself comfortable and stayed put with my head in his lap, squinting up into the sunset. He tickled my nose with a grass stem.
I looked relaxed, at least I hoped I did, but my mind was going fast. I had just realizedYes, Dadwhat this whole setup reminded me of: a family. Maybe not a real-life family, although what would I know, but a family out of a million childrens-book series and old TV shows, the comforting kind that go on for years without anyone getting any older, to the point where you start to wonder about the actors hormone levels. These five had it all: Daniel the distant but affectionate father, Justin and Abby taking turns to be the protective Mammy and the lofty eldest, Rafe the moody teenage middle kid; and Lexie, the late arrival, the capricious little sister to be alternately spoiled and teased.
They probably had no more clue about real-life families than I did. I should have spotted from the beginning that this was one of the things they had in commonDaniel orphaned, Abby fostered out, Justin and Rafe exiled, Lexie Godknowswhat but not exactly close to her parents. Id skimmed over it because it was my default mode too. Consciously or subconsciously, they had collected every paper-thin scrap they could find and built their own patchwork, makeshift image of what a family was, and then they had made themselves into that.
The four of them had been only eighteen or so when they had met. I looked at them under my lashesDaniel holding a bottle up to the light to see if there was any wine left, Abby flicking ants off the cake plateand wondered what they would have been if they had missed each other, along the way.
This gave me a whole bunch of ideas, but they were hazy and fast-moving and I decided I was too comfortable to try and put any shape on them. They could wait a few hours, till my walk. Me too, I said to Daniel, and held out my glass for more wine.
* * *
Are you drunk? Frank demanded, when I rang him. You sounded langered, earlier.
Relax, Frankie, I said. I had a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. That doesnt make me drunk.
It better not. This may feel like a holiday, but I dont want you treating it like one. You stay alert.
I was loitering along a potholey lane, uphill from the ruined cottage. I had been thinking, a lot, about how Lexie had ended up in that cottage. We had all taken it for granted that she was running for cover and couldnt make Whitethorn House or the village, either because the killer was blocking her way or because she was fading fast, so she made for the nearest hiding place she knew. N changed that. Assuming N was a person, as opposed to a pub or a radio program or a poker game, they had had to meet somewhere, and the fact that no places were marked in the diary said they had used the same meeting point every time. And if those times were nights rather than mo
rnings, then the cottage made total sense: privacy, convenience, shelter from wind and rain and no way for anyone to sneak up on you. She could have been heading there anyway that night, long before someone jumped her, and just kept goingmaybe on autopilot, after N ambushed her on her way; maybe because she hoped N would be there to help her.
It wasnt the kind of lead detectives dream of, but it was about the best Id got, so I was spending a lot of my walk lurking in the general area of the cottage and hoping N would help me out by showing up some night. I had found myself a convenient stretch of lane: it had a clear enough view that I could keep an eye on the cottage while I talked to Frank or Sam, enough trees to hide me if I needed it, and enough isolation that no farmer was likely to hear me on the phone and come after me with his trusty shotgun. Im alert, I said. And Ive got something to ask you. Remind me: Daniels great-uncle died in September?
I heard Frank moving stuff around, flipping pages; either he had brought the file home with him, or he was still at work. February third. Daniel got the keys to the house on September tenth. Probate mustve taken a while. Why?