by Tana French
The air was so still. Any minute now, I would have to go back to Whitethorn House and do my best to wreck it.
Out of nowhere I wanted to talk to Sam so badly it was like being hit in the stomach. It felt like the most urgent thing in the world, to tell him, before it was too late, that I was coming home; that, in the ways that mattered most, I was already back; that I was scared, terrified as a kid in the dark, and that I needed to hear his voice.
His phone was off. All I got was the voice-mail woman telling me, archly, to leave a message. Sam was working: taking his turn surveilling Naylors house, going through statement sheets for the dozenth time in case he had missed something. If Id been the crying type, I would have cried then.
Before I understood that I was doing it, I set my phone number to Private and dialed Robs mobile. I pressed my free hand flat over the mike and felt my heart going slow and hard under my palm. I knew this was very possibly the stupidest thing Id done in my life, but I didnt know how not to do it.
Ryan, he said on the second ring, wide awake; Rob always had trouble sleeping. When I couldnt answer, he said, with a sudden new alertness in his voice, Hello?
I hung up. In the second before my thumb hit the button I thought I heard him say, fast and urgent, Cassie? but my hand was already moving and it was too late for me to pull it back even if I had wanted to. I slid down the side of the tree and sat there, with my arms wrapped tight around myself, for a long time.
There was this night, during our last case. At three in the morning I got on my Vespa and went down to the crime scene to pick Rob up. On the way back the roads were all ours, that late, and I was going fast; Rob leaned into the turns with me and the bike barely seemed to feel the extra weight. Two high beams came at us around a bend, brilliant and growing till they filled the whole road: a lorry, half over the center line and coming straight for us, but the bike swayed out of the way light as a stalk of grass and the lorry was past in a great whack of wind and dazzle. Robs hands on my waist shook every now and then, a quick violent tremor, and I was thinking of home and warmth and whether I had anything in the fridge.
Neither of us knew it, but we were speeding through the last few hours we had. I leaned on that friendship loose and unthinking as if it were a wall six foot thick, but less than a day later it started to crumble and avalanche and there was nothing in the world I could do to hold it together. In the nights afterwards I used to wake up with my mind full of those headlights, brighter and deeper than the sun. I saw them again behind my eyelids in that dark lane, and I understood then that I could have just kept driving. I could have been like Lexie. I could have hit full speed and taken us soaring up off the road, into the vast silence at the heart of those lights and out on the other side where nothing could touch us, ever.
21
It only took Daniel a couple of hours to come up with his next move. I was sitting up in bed, staring at the Brothers Grimm and reading the same sentence over and over without taking in a word of it, when there was a quick, discreet rap on my door.
"Come in, I called.
Daniel put his head in the door. He was still dressed, spotless in his white shirt and shining shoes. Do you have a minute? he inquired politely.
Of course, I said, just as politely, putting down the book. There was no way this was a surrender or even a truce, but I couldnt think of anything either of us could try, not without the others there for weapons.
I just wanted, Daniel said, turning to close the door behind him, a quick word with you. In private.
My body thought faster than my mind. In that second when his back was to me, before I knew why I was doing it, I grabbed the mike wire through my pajama top, gave it a hard upwards yank and felt the pop as the jack came free. By the time he looked around again, my hands were lying innocently on the book. About what? I asked.
There are a few things, Daniel said, smoothing the bottom of the duvet and sitting down, that have been bothering me.
Oh?
Yes. Almost since you . . . well, lets say arrived. Small inconsistencies, growing more troubling as time went on. By the time you asked for more onions, the other evening, I had serious questions.
He left a polite pause, in case I wanted to contribute anything to the conversation. I stared at him. I couldnt believe I hadnt seen this one coming.
And then, of course, he said, when it was obvious that I wasnt going to answer, we come to last night. As you may or may not know, on a few occasions you and Ior, at any rate, Lexie and Ihave . . . Well, suffice it to say that a kiss can be as individual and unmistakable as a laugh. When we kissed, last night, it left me more or less positive that youre not Lexie.
He gazed at me blandly, across the bed. He was burning me all over again, every way he knew how: with my boss, with the boyfriend hed guessed at, with the brass who would not approve of an undercover smooching a suspect. They were his brand-new remote-controlled weapons. If that mike had been plugged in, I would have been a few hours away from a grim trip home and a one-way ticket to a desk in Offaly.
Absurd though this may sound, Daniel said tranquilly, Id like to see this supposed stab wound. Simply to reassure myself that youre actually who youre claiming to be.
Sure, I said cheerfully, why not? and saw the startled flicker in his eyes. I pulled up my pajama top and tugged the bandage free to show him the jack and the battery pack, separate.
Nice shot, I told him, but no dice. And if you do get me pulled out, do you think Ill go quietly? Ill have nothing to lose. Even if all Ive got is five minutes, Ill use them to tell the others who I am and that youve known for weeks. How well do you think thatll go down with, say, Rafe?
Daniel leaned forwards to inspect the mike. Ah, he said. Well, it was worth a try.
My times almost up on this case anyway, I said. I was talking fast: Frank would have started getting suspicious the instant the mike feed died, I had maybe a minute before his head went up in smoke. Ive only got a few days left. But I want those few days. If you try to take them away from me, Ill go down all guns blazing. If you dont, you still have a good chance that I wont get anything worthwhile, and we can work it so the others never have to know who I was.
He watched me, expressionless, those big square hands tidily clasped in his lap. My friends are my responsibility. Im not going to stand back and let you sweep them off into corners for interrogation.
I shrugged. Fair enough. Try and stop me any way you can; you didnt have any trouble tonight. Just dont mess with my last few days. Deal?
How many days, Daniel asked, exactly?
I shook my head. Not in the deal. In about ten seconds Im going to plug this in again, so it sounds like an accidental disconnect, and were going to have a harmless little chat about why I was in a mood at dinner. OK?
He nodded absently, still examining the mike. Great, I said. Here goes. I dont feel likeI plugged the wire back in halfway through the sentence, for an extra touch of realismtalking about it. My heads a mess, everything feels sucky, I just want everyone to leave me alone. OK?
Youre probably just hungover, Daniel said, obligingly. Youve always had a hard time with red wine, havent you?
Everything sounded like a trap. Whatever, I said, giving him an irritable teenager shrug and sticking my bandage back down. Maybe it was the punch. Rafe probably put meths in it. Hes drinking a lot more these days, have you noticed?
Rafe is fine, Daniel said coolly. And so will you be, I hope, after a good nights sleep.
Quick footsteps downstairs, and a door opening. Lexie? Justin called anxiously, up the stairs. Is everything OK?
Daniels annoying me, I shouted back.
Daniel? How are you annoying her?
Im not.
He wants to know why I feel
crap, I called. I feel crap because I just do, and I want him to leave me alone.
You feel crap because what? Justin had come out of his room, to the bottom of the stairs; I could picture him, in his striped pyjamas, clutching the banister and peering short-sightedly upwards. Daniel was giving me an intent, thoughtful gaze that made me edgy as hell.
Shut up! yelled Abby, furious enough that we could hear her right through her door. Some of us are trying to sleep here.
Lexie? You feel crap because what?
A thud: Abby had thrown something. Justin, I said shut up! Jesus!
Faintly, from the ground floor, Rafe shouted something irritable that sounded like What the hell is going on?
Ill come down and explain, Justin, Daniel called. Everyone go back to bed. To me: Good night. He stood up and smoothed the duvet again. Sleep well. I hope youll feel better in the morning.
Yeah, I said. Thanks. Dont count on it.
The steady rhythm of his footsteps going downstairs, then hushed voices below me: at first a lot of Justin and an occasional brief interjection from Daniel, shifting gradually till it was the other way round. I got out of bed, carefully, and put my ear to the floor, but they were talking barely above whispers and I couldnt make out the words.
It was twenty minutes before Daniel came back upstairs, softly, pausing for a long few seconds on the landing. I didnt start shaking until his bedroom door closed behind him.
I stayed awake for hours that night, flipping pages and pretending to read, rustling the covers and doing deep breaths and pretending to be asleep, unplugging the mike for a few seconds or a few minutes every now and then. I think I created a pretty good impression of a jack come loose, disconnecting and reconnecting itself as I moved, but it didnt reassure me. Frank is very far from stupid, and he was in no humor to give me the benefit of any doubts.
Frank to the left of me, Daniel to the right, and here I was, stuck in the middle with Lexie. I passed the time, while I played my mike-jack game, by trying to work out how it was logistically possible for me to have ended up on the opposite side from absolutely everyone else involved in this case, including people who were on opposite sides from each other. Before I finally went to sleep I took the chair from Lexies dressing table, for the first time in weeks, and braced it against my door.
* * *
Saturday went fast, in a helpless nightmare daze. Daniel had decidedpartly because working on the house always settled them all down, presumably, and partly to keep everyone in one room and under his eyethat we needed to spend the day sanding floors: Weve been neglecting the dining room, he told us, at breakfast. Its starting to look terribly shabby, next to the sitting room. I think today we should start bringing it up to scratch. What do you think?
Good idea, said Abby, sliding eggs onto his plate and giving him a tired, determinedly positive smile. Justin shrugged and went back to picking at toast; I said, Whatever, into the frying pan; Rafe took his coffee and left without a word. Good, Daniel said serenely, going back to his book. Thats a plan, then.
The rest of the day was just about as excruciating as Id expected. The Happy Place magic was apparently on its day off. Rafe was in a silent, fuming rage with the whole world; he kept banging the sander into the walls, making everyone jump, till Daniel took it out of his hands without a word and passed him a sheet of sandpaper instead. I turned up my sulk as loud as I could and hoped it would have some effect on someone, and that sooner or laternot too much laterI would find a way to use it.
Outside the windows it was raining, thin petulant rain. We didnt talk. Once or twice I saw Abby wipe her face, but she always had her back to the rest of us and I couldnt tell if she was crying or if it was just the sawdust. It got everywhere: drifting up our noses, down our necks, working its way into the skin of our hands. Justin wheezed ostentatiously and had great dramatic coughing fits into a handkerchief until finally Daniel put down the sander, stalked out, and came back with an ancient, hideous gas mask, which he held out to Justin in silence. No one laughed.
Theyve got asbestos in them, Rafe said, scrubbing viciously at an awkward corner of floor. Are you actually trying to kill him, or do you just want to give that impression?
Justin gave the mask a horrified look. I dont want to breathe asbestos.
If youd prefer to tie your handkerchief around your mouth, said Daniel, then do that instead. Just stop moaning. He shoved the mask into Justins hands, went back to the sander and fired it up again.
The gas mask that had sent me and Rafe into a giddy fit, that night on the patio. Daniel can wear it into college, well get Abby to embroider it . . . Justin dumped it gingerly in a bare corner, where it sat for the rest of the day, staring at us all with huge, empty, desolate eyes.
* * *
And whats been going on with your mike? Frank inquired, that night. Just out of curiosity.
Ah, fuck, I said. What, its doing it again? I thought Id fixed it.
A skeptical pause. Doing what again?
This morning when I went to change my bandage, the jack was out. I think I put the bandage on wrong, after my shower last night, and the jack pulled out when I moved. How much did you miss? Is it working now? I stuck a hand down my top and tapped the mike. Can you hear that?
Loud and clear, Frank said dryly. It popped out a few times during the night, but I doubt I missed anything significant thereI certainly hope not, anyway. I lost a minute or two of your midnight chat with Daniel, though.
I put a grin in my voice. Oh, that? He was edgy because of the stroppy-bitch act. He wanted to know what was wrong, so I told him to leave me alone. Then the others heard us and got in on the action, and he gave up and went to bed. I told you it would work, Frankie. Theyre going up the walls.
Right, Frank said, after a moment. So apparently I didnt miss anything educational. And as long as Im working this case, I suppose I cant say I dont believe in coincidences. But if that wire happens to come loose again, even for one second, Im coming down there and dragging you in by the scruff of your neck. So get out your Super Glue. And he hung up.
* * *
I walked home trying to work out what I would do next if I were in Daniels shoes, but as it turned out he wasnt the one I should have been worrying about. I knew, even before I got into the house, that something had happened. They were all in the kitchenthe guys had obviously been halfway through the washing up, Rafe was holding a spatula like a weapon and Justin was dripping suds all over the floorand they were all talking at once.
doing their job, Daniel was saying flatly, as I opened the French doors. If we dont let them
But why? Justin wailed, over him. Why would they
Then they saw me. There was a second of absolute silence, all of them staring at me, voices sliced off in midword.
Whats going on? I asked.
The cops want us to come in, said Rafe. He threw the spatula into the sink, with a clang and a splash. Water spattered on Daniels shirt, but he didnt seem to notice.
I cant go through that again, Justin said, sagging back against the counter. I cant.
Come in where? What for?
Mackey rang Daniel, said Abby. They want us to come talk to them, first thing tomorrow morning. All of us.
Why? That toerag Frank. He had known, when I phoned him, that he was going to pull this crap. He hadnt even bothered to hint at it.
Rafe shrugged. He didnt share. Just that he, quote, wants a chat with us. Unquote.
But why there? Justin demanded frantically. He was staring at Daniels phone, on the kitchen table, like it might pounce. Before, they always came here. Why do we have to
Where does he want us to go? I asked.
Dublin Castle, Abby said. The Serio
us Crime office, or squad, or whatever they call it.
Serious and Organized Crime work downstairs from Murder; all Frank had to do was whisk us up an extra flight of stairs. S&O do not investigate your average stabbing, not unless theres a crime lord involved, but the others didnt know that, and it sounded impressive.
Did you know about this? Daniel asked me. He was giving me a cold stare that I didnt like one bit. Rafe raised his eyes to the ceiling and muttered something that included the words paranoid freak.
No. How would I?
I thought your friend Mackey might have rung you as well. While you were out.
He didnt. And hes not my friend. I didnt bother hiding the pissed-off look; let Daniel try to figure out whether it was genuine. I had two days left, and Frank was going to eat away one of them with endless pointless nothing questions about what we put in our sandwiches and how we felt about Four-Boobs Brenda. He wanted us first thing in the morning: he was planning to stretch this out for as long as he could, eight hours, twelve. I wondered if it would be in character for Lexie to kick him in the goolies.