by Tana French
I wasnt surprised. These were not men of action here; their currencies were thoughts and words, and they had been catapulted into something that blew both of those right out of the water. What did surprise me, what set warning lights flashing at the back of my mind, was the speed and ease with which Daniel had snapped into action.
So, Rafe said, I read the thing out loud. It said, Dear Lexie, have thought it over and OK we can talk about 200K. Please get in touch cause I know we both want to get this deal wrapped up. Best regards, Ned.
Surely to God, Justin said softly and bitterly, into the airless silence, you remember that.
The spelling was shit, said Rafe, through his cigarette. He actually had a number two for to, like a fucking fourteen-year-old. What an utter moron. Apart from anything else, I wouldve expected you to have better taste than to mess about making shoddy little deals with someone like that.
Would you have? Abby asked. Her eyes were very steady on mine, searching, and her hands had gone still in her lap. If none of this had happened, would you really have sold out to Ned?
When I think about how breathtakingly cruel I was to those four, this is one of the few things that make me feel any better: I could have said yes, then. I could have told them exactly what Lexie was planning to do to them, to everything they had put their hearts and minds and bodies into building. Maybe that would have hurt them less, in the end, than thinking it had all been over nothing; I dont know. All I know is that the last time I had a choice, and much too late to make any difference, I lied for the right reasons.
No, I said. I just . . . God. I just needed to know I could. I freaked out, Abby. I started feeling trapped and I panicked. It was never about actually leaving. I just had to know I could leave, if I wanted to.
Trapped, Justin said, and his head moved in a quick, hurt jerk. With us, but I saw Abbys fast blink as she realized: the baby.
You were going to stay.
Oh God, I wanted to stay, I said, and I still dont know and never will whether this one was a lie at all. So much, Abby. I really did.
After a long moment she nodded, almost imperceptibly.
I told you, Rafe said, tipping his head back and blowing smoke at the ceiling. Fucking Daniel. Up until last week he was still practically hysterical with paranoia about that. I told him Id talked to you and you had no intention of going anywhere, but God forbid he should listen to anyone.
Abby didnt react to that, didnt move; it looked like she wasnt even breathing. And now? she asked me. Now what?
For a light-headed second I lost the thread, thought she had made me and was asking if I wanted to stay anyway. What do you mean?
She means, Rafe said, his voice cool and clipped and very level, when this conversation is over, are you going to phone Mackey or ONeill or the village idiots and turn us in. Shop us. Rat us out. Whatever the appropriate expression is, in these circumstances.
Youd think this would have sent guilt shooting through me like pins and needles, spreading from that mike red-hot against my skin, but the only thing I felt was sad: a huge, final, dragging sadness, like an ebb tide down in my bones. Im not going to say anything to anyone, I said, and felt Frank, off in his little humming circle of electronics, approve. I dont want you guys going to jail. No matter what happened.
Well, Abby said softly, almost to herself. She sat back in her chair and smoothed her skirt, absently, with both hands. Well, then . . .
Well, then, Rafe said, and drew hard on his smoke, we made this whole thing an awful lot more complicated than it needed to be. Somehow, Im not surprised.
Then what? I said. After the note. Then what happened?
A small, tense shift through the room. None of them were looking at each other. I searched for some tiny difference between their faces, anything that would hint that this conversation was hitting one of them harder than the others, that someone was protecting, being protected, guilty, defensive: nothing.
Then, Abby said, on a big breath. Lex, I dont know if youd thought about what it would mean, if you sold your share to Ned. You dont always . . . I dont know. Think things through.
A vicious snort from Rafe. Thats putting it mildly. My God, Lexie, what the hell did you think would happen? Youd sell up, buy yourself a nice little apartment somewhere, and everything would be just ducky? What did you expect to get when you walked into college every morning? Hugs and kisses and your sandwich all ready for you? We would never have spoken to you again. We would have hated your guts.
Ned would have been at the rest of us, Abby said, all the time, every day, to sell out to some developer and turn this house into apartments or a golf club or whatever the hell it was that he wanted. He could have moved in here, lived with us, and there wouldve been nothing we could do about it. Sooner or later, we would have given up. We would have lost the house. This house.
Something stirred, subtle and waking: a tiny ripple in the walls, a creak of floorboards upstairs, a draft spinning down the stairwell.
We all started shouting, Justin said, low. Screaming, everyone at onceI dont even know what I was saying. You got away from Daniel, and Rafe grabbed you, and you hit himhard, Lexie, you punched him in the stomach
It was a fight, Rafe said. We can call it whatever we want, but the fact is we were fighting like a bunch of scumbags on a street corner. Another thirty seconds and we would all have been rolling around on the kitchen floor beating the living shit out of each other. Except that before we got that far
Except, Abby said, her voice slicing his off clean as a slammed door, we never got that far.
She met Rafes eyes calmly, unblinking. After a second he shrugged and slumped back on the sofa, one foot jiggling restlessly.
It could have been any of us, Abby said, to me or to Rafe, I couldnt tell. There was a depth of passion in her voice that startled me. We were all ragingIve never been that angry in my life. The rest was just chance; just the way things happened. Every one of us was ready to kill you, Lexie, and you cant blame us.
That stirring again, somewhere off the far edge of my hearing: a whisk across the landing, a humming in the chimneys. I dont, I said. I wonderedI should have known a whole lot better, I must have read too many cheesy ghost stories as a kidif this was all Lexie had wanted from me: to let them know it was OK. You had every right to be mad. Even afterwards, you wouldve had every right to throw me out.
We talked about it, Abby said. Rafe raised an eyebrow. Me and Daniel. Whether we could all still live together, after . . . But it would have been complicated, and anyway, it was you. No matter what, it was still you.
The next thing I remember, Justin said, very quietly, is the back door slamming and this knife lying in the middle of the kitchen floor. With blood on it. I couldnt believe it. I couldnt believe this was actually happening.
And you just let me go? I said, to my hands. You didnt even bother to find out if
No, said Abby, leaning forwards, trying to catch my eye. No, Lex. Of course we bothered. It took us all a minute to catch up with what had happened, but the second we did . . . It was Daniel, mostly; the rest of us were basically paralyzed. By the time I could move again, he was already getting the torch out. He told me and Rafe to stay put in case you came home, burn the note and get hot water and disinfectant and bandages ready
Which would have come in useful, Rafe said, lighting another cigarette, if wed been delivering a baby in Gone With the Wind. What on earth was he picturing? Home surgery on the kitchen table with Abbys embroidery needle?
and he and Justin went looking for you. Straight away.
It had been a good call. Daniel had known he could trust Abby to keep it together; if anyone flaked out, it would be Rafe or Justin. He ha
d got them separated, put them both under supervision and come up with a plan that kept them both busy, all within seconds. The guy was wasted on academia.
Im not sure we were really as quick off the mark as we think, Justin said. We could have been standing there in a daze for a good five or ten minutes, for all I know. I can barely remember that part; my minds wiped it out. The first thing Im clear on is that, by the time Daniel and I got to the back gate, you were gone. We didnt know if youd headed for the village to get help, or collapsed somewhere, or
I just ran, I said quietly. I just remember running. I didnt even notice I was bleeding for ages. Justin flinched.
I dont think you were, at first, Abby said gently. There wasnt any blood on the kitchen floor, or on the patio.
They had checked. I wondered when, and whether that had been Daniels idea or Abbys. That was the other thing, Justin said. We didnt know . . . well, how bad it was. You were gone so fast, we hadnt had a chance to . . . We thoughtI mean, I thought, anywaysince you had got out of sight so quickly, it couldnt be all that serious, could it? It might have been just a nick, for all we knew.
Ha, said Rafe, reaching for an ashtray.
We didnt know. It might have been. I said so to Daniel, but he just gave me a look that could have meant anything. So we . . . God. We started looking for you. Daniel said the most urgent thing was to find out if youd gone to the village, but it was all locked up and dark, just the odd light on in bedrooms; there was obviously nothing going on. So we started working our way back towards the house, going back and forth in these big arcs, hoping wed cross paths with you somewhere along the way.
He stared down at the glass in his hands. At least, thats what I assume we were doing. I was just following Daniel on and on and on through this pitch-black labyrinth of lanes; I had no idea where we were, my sense of direction was completely gone. We were afraid to switch on the torch and afraid to call youIm not even sure why, it just seemed too dangerous: in case someone in a farmhouse noticed or in case you hid from us, I suppose, I dont know which. So Daniel just flicked on the torch for a second every few minutes, cupped his hand around it and did a quick sweep, then switched it off again. The rest of the time we felt our way by the hedges. It was freezing, like winterwe hadnt even thought of coats. It didnt seem to bother Daniel, you know what hes like, but I couldnt feel my toes; I was sure I was getting frost-bite. We wandered around for hours
You didnt, Rafe said. Trust me. We were stuck here with a bottle of disinfectant and a bloody knife and nothing to do but stare at the clock and go out of our minds. You were only gone about forty-five minutes.
Justin shrugged, a tense twitch. Well, it felt like hours. Finally Daniel stopped deadI bumped straight into the back of him, like something out of Laurel and Hardyand he said, This is absurd. Well never find her like this. I asked him what else he suggested we should do, but he ignored me. He just stood there, staring up at the sky like he was waiting for divine inspiration; it was starting to cloud over, but the moon had come up, I could see his profile against it. After a moment he saidperfectly normally, as if we were in the middle of some dinner-table discussionWell, lets assume shes headed for a specific place, rather than simply wandering around in the dark. She must have been meeting Ned somewhere. Somewhere sheltered, surely; the weathers so unpredictable. Is there anywhere nearby that she And then he took off. He was running, flat out, and fast, I didnt know he could run like thatI dont think Id ever seen Daniel run before, have you?
He ran the other night, Rafe said, grinding out his cigarette. After the torch-bearing villager. Hes fast, all right, when he needs to be.
I didnt have a clue where he was going; all I could think about was trying to keep up. For some reason the idea of being out there by myself sent me into a complete panicI mean, I know we were only a few hundred yards from home, but thats not what it felt like. It felt . . . Justin shivered. It felt dangerous, he said. Like something was happening, all round us, and we couldnt see it, but if I was on my own . . .
That was shock, hon, Abby said gently. Its normal.
Justin shook his head, still staring down at his glass. No, he said. It wasnt like that. He took a quick, hard swig of his drink and grimaced. Then Daniel switched the torch on and swung it aroundit was like a lighthouse beam, I was sure everyone for miles around would come runningand he stopped on that cottage. I only saw it for a second, just a corner of broken-down wall. Then the torch went out again, and Daniel threw himself over the wall into the field. There was all this long wet grass tangling round my ankles, it was like trying to run through porridge . . . He blinked at his glass and pushed it away from him on the bookshelf; a little of his drink splashed out, staining someones notes with sickly orange splotches. Can I have a cigarette?
You dont smoke, Rafe said. Youre the good one.
If I have to tell this story, said Justin, I want a fucking cigarette.
There was a high, precarious wobble in his voice. Knock it off, Rafe, Abby said. She stretched over to pass Justin her smoke packet; as he took it, she caught his hand and squeezed.
Justin lit the cigarette clumsily, holding it high up between stiff fingers, inhaled too hard and choked. No one said anything while he coughed, caught his breath, wiped his eyes with a knuckle under his glasses.
Lexie, Abby said. Cant we just . . . Youve got the important part. Cant we leave it?
I want to hear, I said. I could hardly breathe.
So do I, said Rafe. Ive never heard this part either, and Ive got a feeling it might be interesting. Arent you curious, Abby? Or do you already know this story?
Abby shrugged. All right, said Justin. His eyes were pressed shut and his jaw was so tense he could barely get the cigarette between his lips. Im . . . Just give me a second. God.
He took another drag, retched a little, managed to hold it. OK, he said. He had his voice under control again. So we got to the cottage. There was just enough moonlight that I could see outlinesthe walls, the doorway. Daniel switched on the torch, with his other hand partway over it, and . . .
His eyes opened, skated away from us to the window. You were sitting in a corner, against the wall. I shouted somethingcalled you, maybe, I dont knowand I started to run over to you, but Daniel grabbed my arm, hard, he hurt me, and pulled me back. He put his mouth right up against my ear and hissed, Shut up, and then, Dont move. You stay right here. You stay still. He shook my armI had bruisesand then he let go of me and went over to you. He put his fingers on your throat, like this, checking your pulsehe had the torch on you, and you looked . . .
Justins eyes were still on the window. You looked like a wee girl asleep, he said, and the grief in his voice was soft and relentless as rain. And then Daniel said, Shes dead. Thats what we thought, Lexie. We thought you had died.
You must have already been in the coma, Abby said gently. The cops told us it would have slowed down your heartbeat, your breathing, stuff like that. If it hadnt been so cold
Daniel straightened up, Justin said, and wiped his hand on the front of his shirtIm not sure why, it wasnt bloody or anything, but that was all I could see: him rubbing his hand down his chest, over and over, as if he didnt even know he was doing it. I couldntI couldnt look at you. I went to hold myself up against the wallI mean, I was hyperventilating, I thought I was going to faintbut he said, very sharply, Dont touch anything. Put your hands in your pockets. And hold your breath for a count of ten. I didnt understand what he was talking about, none of it made any sense, but I did it anyway.
We always do, Rafe said, in an undertone. Abby gave him a quick glance.
After a minute Daniel said, If she had gone for her
walk as usual, she would have her keys and wallet on her, and that torch she uses. One of us needs to go home and get them. The other one should stay here. Its unlikely that anyone will pass by, at this hour, but we dont know the full extent of her arrangements with Ned, and if someone does happen to pass, we need to know about it. Which would you prefer to do?
Justin made a tentative move to stretch out a hand to me, took it back and clasped it tightly around his other elbow. I told him I couldnt stay there. Im sorry, Lexie. Im so sorry. I shouldnt have been . . . I mean, it was you; it was still you, even if you had been . . . But I couldnt. I wasI was shaking all over, I think I must have been gibbering at him . . . Finally he saidand he didnt even seem upset, not any more, just impatienthe said, For heavens sake, shut up. Ill stay. Get home as fast as you can. Put your gloves on and get Lexies keys, her wallet and her torch. Tell the others whats happened. Theyll want to come back with you; dont let them, whatever you do. The last thing we need is more people trampling all over the place, and anyway theres no point in giving them more to forget. Come straight back here. Take the torch with you, but dont use it unless you really need to, and try to be quiet. Can you remember all that?