Shit.
My lungs constrict, making it hard to breathe, but I guess I deserve it.
The apartment is the same as I remember, yet different. Cream walls in the open living room-kitchen area, dark-brown wooden floor. On the other side of the room are double doors leading to a deck similar to the one at Ollie’s house.
I walk over to the kitchen island to put down the bags before turning around to face her. “I like what you’ve done with the place.”
I’m surprised what a difference a decorative touch can make—a purple blanket on the couch, a few pictures on the shelves along the TV wall, a vase full of flowers on the kitchen counter.
“Thanks. It's not perfect, but I like it.” Her voice is steady, maybe a little flat, but she can’t hide the spark in her eyes when she speaks.
Focusing her attention on the bags, she rummages through them, getting what looks like enough containers for both of us before walking to the couch. I follow like a lost puppy and sit next to her. I leave plenty of room between us, even though it feels weird and unnatural, but I'm trying to get back into her good graces. I need to.
I came here to make things right after all, not to make them worse. Hopefully, respecting her wishes will work to my advantage.
I haven’t taken a bite, but I put the container on the small coffee table in front of us and turn to face Julia. “Listen. I came to apologize. I'm really sorry about what happened.”
She swallows the food after chewing a few times, looking at me with her eyebrows raised.
My nerves are getting the best of me, and I wipe my hands on my shorts. I’ve never been nervous in front of Julia, or any other girl now that I think about it.
Nothing has ever mattered as much as this. “We both suspected Ollie wouldn't react well, but I know I made things a lot worse the way I told him.”
She puts her box down too, forcefully, a few pieces of rice flying out of the top. “You did. I don’t understand why.” Her voice isn’t exactly hostile but not very friendly either.
I flinch. I’ve been berating myself all week over my behavior, trying to find a way to fix it. “I don’t have a good explanation. Ollie started talking about you going on a date with a random guy he met at the airport, and the words just came out of my mouth. And then I couldn’t stop. The urge for Ollie to know took over. I knew I’d started an avalanche, but at the same time, I was happy it was finally out in the open. It wasn’t fair to you though, and for that, I’m truly sorry.”
I send her a look I hope conveys my sincerity, foolishly hoping she’ll forgive me just like that.
Her face is mostly still an empty mask. “As much as I wish we could turn back time, what’s done is done. Cora said he wasn’t done with you after I left.”
I let out a humorless laugh. “Oh, no. He was just getting started. I’m pretty sure he used almost every curse word he knows and as expected kicked me out of the house. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this mad before.”
“Not even when I broke his beloved one-of-a-kind surfboard that I rode down the stairs to the beach?” The barest hint of a smile forms; at least I hope I didn’t imagine it.
Even though she’s avoiding my gaze, I’m grateful she’s bringing up something from our past. It brings familiarity with it, something not everyone would understand. Maybe it makes me slightly delusional, but it gives me hope we might be okay.
Focusing on her words, I chuckle. “Okay, maybe it didn’t top that. I won’t ever forget how red his face was when he saw his shredded board.”
“I know. I really thought his head would explode.” Her eyes finally meet mine as a small grin forms at the memory. “He didn’t speak to me for almost a month.”
“It was bad. Hopefully, it won’t be as bad this time. He’s not a stupid teenager anymore, plus he has Cora. I think it would have been a lot worse if she hadn’t been there.” I felt bad that Cora witnessed that shitshow. Had I known it was going to escalate so badly, I wouldn’t have asked her to come. However, I can’t deny I’m happy she was there.
She nods but stays quiet.
“Sorry I didn’t tell you she’d be there. It was a last-minute idea, or I would have said something to you.”
She stares at her hands, her voice thick with emotion. “You don’t always need to explain everything to me. It’s not like you have any sort of obligation toward me.”
Can’t say that didn’t feel like a punch in the face. “Don’t say that like we’re strangers or mere acquaintances, Jules. That’s the last thing we are.”
One of her shoulders lifts a fraction. “You know what I mean. It’s not like we’re . . . together or anything.”
Either I’m hallucinating, or there’s a slight blush on her cheeks.
Seeing this reaction makes my heart beat faster, while my mind fights with itself over what to do. I came here to apologize, keeping everything else locked away for later.
Before my mind goes off on a crazy ride into Hopeland, I go back to the last topic, wanting to reassure her. “Don’t worry about Ollie though. He’ll come around, he always does.”
“I know he will. I just hate having everything ripped apart like this.” Her eyes snap up to mine, suddenly wide. “Oh crap. You guys work together. I didn’t even think about that. I’m such an idiot. That completely slipped my mind. How are you managing? And where are you staying now?”
I bite my cheek from smiling at her cute rant and the way her eyes scan the room and the couch as if she’s thinking about offering it to me. “I checked into a hotel for now, but I’m going to start looking for a place soon. Thankfully, we know a good realtor, don’t we?”
Julia groans, stretching her legs out in front of me. “Oh, goodie.”
My eyes automatically scan her tanned skin, the need to touch and explore almost impossible to resist.
Since lusting over her won’t help my case, I try and focus on our conversation. “I’m not her biggest fan either, but she’s good at her job and that’s exactly what I need. I’m going to meet up with her in a few days. And about the work situation . . . it’s not the best atmosphere at the moment, but we’ll work through it. You know your brother. Thankfully, he’s a professional who can keep this chaos out of the business.”
Julia nods and picks her container back up, slowly poking at it with her fork. “That’s good. I’m glad to hear that.”
I mirror her, and we eat in silence. But I don’t mind. I’m just happy she hasn’t kicked me out yet.
Once we’re done, I help her put away the trash and pack up the leftovers.
Then, we’re back in Awkwardtown, staring at each other without knowing what to say.
I clear my throat. “I have a big presentation in the morning, so I better head back to the hotel.”
“Oh.”
Is that disappointment in her eyes?
My mind races when we walk to the door and she opens it—going back and forth over this evening, analyzing everything we said and her reactions. I walk past her but spin around at the threshold, making her almost bump into me.
“I lied. About what you said earlier.” Once more, my mouth takes over, the words spilling out before I made a conscious decision about it.
Her eyebrows pull together as she stares up at me. “What? What did I say?”
The fluttery feeling in my stomach is so strong, I feel nauseous. Hoping to calm my nerves, I blow out a deep breath, Julia’s eyes flickering to my mouth at the sound of it. “I want to take you out on a date. A real one.”
She gasps as her wide eyes find mine. After swallowing loudly, her voice comes out in a whisper. “Carter, please don’t. You don’t really date.”
I expected her to say something like that so I nod. Bending down, I keep my gaze steady on hers and my tone gentle. “With you, I want to try.”
Her left hand grips the door a little tighter. “I don’t know. What if this makes things even worse? I meant it before when I said I don’t want to lose you.”
I’ve as
ked myself the same questions, and I expected her to bring them up, but I’m still not sure how to explain my answer to her without sounding like a crazy person. But maybe that’s what it takes. I’ve had a whole week to focus on Mom’s words to me about her past. How she grieves the way her marriages eroded my faith in anything long-term.
But there were two things that particularly resonated with me. There was always something missing before, something that felt incomplete. In the week without Julia, without any interaction whatsoever, that’s what I felt. Incomplete. She’s only been back in my life for a month, yet I’ve felt lost without her.
I want you to find your other half and experience how wonderful a great relationship can be. Life is so much better when you can share it with someone you love. It changes everything.
And I think I’m there.
So, if this is what it takes for me to show my heart, I’ll do it. Because I don’t want to lose her in any way either, so I get her question and concern. “What if it doesn’t? I’ve been going over this since I had that conversation with my mom. I don’t want to miss out on this chance with you. To have something real with you. I know I’m not the only one feeling this special connection between us. It’s always been there, but it’s grown into something so much more over the last month.”
The indecision is as clear as day in her eyes, and I don’t blame her. It’s hard to wipe away the doubt she must feel after knowing me for so long. “Don’t give me an answer right now. Just think about it, okay?”
She nods, and I take a step toward her, leaning in to place a soft kiss on her cheek. “You’re gonna let me know?”
Her head bobs up and down again, and I chuckle at her obvious speechlessness. It leaves me with a lightness in my chest that I welcome. “Great. Have a good night, Jules.”
“You too. And thanks for dinner.”
“Anytime, Daphne. Anything for you.” I lose the battle with myself and touch her cheek.
With a small smile on her face, she closes the door, but not before I hear her faint “Night, Freddie,” making me grin like a total fool.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Julia
The soft breeze picks up my hair, stirring a loose strand around my cheek. The sun warms my face while I watch people on the boardwalk—talking, laughing, and playing. A couple is arguing close by, but I try my best to tune them out, wanting to focus on the positive around me.
No more dwelling on the past, getting frustrated over things I can’t control, or chickening out of things because I’m afraid of them. It’s time to live my life to the fullest. My new mantra.
“Jules?”
The familiar voice rips me out of my thoughts, and I’m surprised to see Carter approach in a slow jog, the butterflies in my stomach throwing him a welcome party.
His breaths come out quick and hard when he reaches me. “What are you doing here?”
Even though I heard him, I’m distracted when he takes a large gulp from the water bottle in his hand. Shielding my eyes from the sun, I watch his Adam’s apple move with each swallow, utterly fascinated.
When he sees my hand on my forehead, he steps to the side, positioning himself to block the sun with his large frame. That also puts him closer to me, allowing me to get a good look at his shirtless body that’s dripping with sweat.
Despite the heat, the hairs on my arms lift as I try to keep my cool at the sight of a half-naked Carter. “I know you usually run at the beach after work, so I thought I’d try my luck and see if I could catch you.”
He studies my face, looking for answers to whatever questions are popping around in his head. He scans my body, finding my typical loungewear of capri leggings and a T-shirt. “Did you want to go running with me?”
I laugh at his question, because he couldn’t be further off. “Nah. I started some workouts at home, but I think that’s it for me right now. It saves me time, so I can focus on all the other million things I want to do. Work has been busier too this week with lots of new orders, so I’m pooped.”
“More orders are awesome. Just make sure to take some breaks too.” His smile is genuine and I smile back at him. “Looks like you’ve got the six figures in the bag.”
I shrug, not wanting to jinx it, but I have the same thought. Or rather hope. “We’ll see. I still have almost half a year to go, but so far, it looks pretty good, so I can’t complain. I’ll look into getting some help soon if the orders keep coming like that.”
“That sounds like a good idea. Let me know if I can help.”
Let me know if I can help. That’s exactly what I expected Carter to say, because I know this man well. Nate never supported my silly hobby, and knowing Carter has my back, has always had my back, makes this discussion a little easier to digest.
Carter starts doing some stretches, and I’m failing miserably to keep my eyes on his face instead of his muscles moving and flexing. I mean, they’re practically begging me to enjoy the show. No one can blame me.
Of course, he catches me staring and is unable to hide his smirk. He finally takes pity on me and sits down. “So, if you didn’t want to run with me, why are you here?”
His question makes me fidgety, my gaze flickering down and momentarily stopping at his torso. Drops of sweat run down his chest and abs, and the sight is mesmerizing, to say the least, reminding me of how well this body works together with mine. He’s the perfect mix of bulky and lean, enough muscles to be toned but not too much to risk a concussion when you run into him. I could stare at him all day long, which I guess I already do whenever I get the chance.
“Jules?” Carter’s chuckle breaks through my haze, and I’m pretty sure someone could use me as a stoplight right now, because I must be that red.
“Yes, sorry.” I play with my fingers to distract myself.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see him lean forward, bracing his elbows on his knees while he looks at the side of my face.
Waiting for me to say something.
Giving me the room and time I need. Something he’s been trying so hard to do.
It’s been three days since he stopped by my apartment, and he’s been nothing but patient after dropping that “dating” bomb on me.
But I needed time to think.
Talking myself in and out of a million different what ifs, catching my bestie at a time where she wasn’t asleep on the other side of the world to dissect this whole mess with her.
Cora has been lending me her ear whenever I’ve needed it too, keeping me updated on my brother as well. He seems to have moved on from angry to sulking, which I can totally live with.
When I peek at Carter, his features are soft, helping me feel centered.
Embracing change isn’t always easy for me, but this expanding feeling in my chest whenever I’m around him, gives me the courage to take the next step. To say the words I know will change my life.
“Did you mean what you said the other day? When you came over?” My voice is merely a whisper in the wind, mixing with the calming waves of the ocean.
“Every single word.” There’s no hesitation when he replies, his voice strong and steady.
My gaze settles on his, my heart beating wildly in my chest. “You really want to give dating a try?”
“No. I don’t want to give dating a try. At least not in general.” His words sound final, like he doesn’t want to leave any room for discussion. “Only with you.”
I let out an anxious breath, a shiver running through my whole body. “Why?”
“You know exactly why. There’s something between us. I feel it every time we’re together, and I know you feel it too. It’s special, incomparable to anything else. It’s always been different with you, but I thought the reason was our long friendship. But having sex with you changed things. It intensified everything, shifting things, and making me want things I never thought I wanted.” He sounds almost frustrated when he’s done with his little speech.
All the while I stare at him like a moron, my mou
th open, my eyes wide, completely unable to sift through the chaos in my brain. Even when I thought of the possibility of him saying yes, I never would have expected this admission. Confirming the same feelings that have been swirling around inside of me too, the ones that have been causing doubtful thought after doubtful thought and kept me up at night.
“And you want to explore that? Are you sure?” The need to be in this one hundred percent together is almost overwhelming.
“Positive.”
We stare at each other as I go through the mental checklist I made for this conversation, momentarily moving to my husband checklist that’s now taped to my fridge. Which might have been a bad move on my part since it reminds me of Carter every time I look at it, knowing how many boxes he ticks while still being off-limits.
Until now.
Maybe. Possibly.
The thought of that alone catapults me into a mix of euphoria and hysteria, and my brain can’t seem to decide which path to ultimately take.
After closing my eyes for a moment, I tell myself I can freak out later when I’m alone. “What about Ollie?”
Since he’s a sore subject, we have to talk about him. It’s not like we can just ignore my brother, not that either of us really wants to.
Carter shrugs, his expression staying leveled. “He’ll get over it, eventually. Even though he might have my balls first.”
I flinch at the very probable possibility. But he’s right, my brother will get over it, he just has to.
Leaning in, Carter’s next words are a whisper on my skin. “But it’ll be worth it. I just know it.”
For a moment, I think he might kiss me, but he stays where he is, watching me curiously from a few inches away.
“So, Jules. Does that mean you’re saying yes to going on a date with me?” His voice is low and pleasant, warming me from the inside out.
His blue eyes are filled with anticipation, excitement, and so much hope. I find comfort in his gaze the way I usually do and nod before I can change my mind.
The Husband Checklist Page 16