“Look. She’s a little threatened by you.”
“By me? Seriously? Because I have all this boy-charming power?” I scoff.
“Lacey, you don’t ever give yourself enough credit.”
“Oh good. Yes. Tell me you’re not gonna play the thing I spent hours of my life on, but go ahead and make it okay by telling me how wonderful I am. Then I’ll totally forgive everything.”
“That’s not why…”
I give him a second. Maybe it’s because part of me is dying to hear just how desirable I might be, or maybe it’s because I don’t actually want to pick a fight with him. Except I do.
“You are so full of shit, Theo. And this is mortifying. Like I’d be so underhanded. Or pathetic. That I’m sitting over here pining over you. And why are you even here? You didn’t have anything better to do than crash a movie night with my mom? You were just biding your time before you insulted me and my intentions and my present. So. Right. Now I don’t want to play the quartet, either. Good. Only now I don’t know what to say to Lily Ann tomorrow. Like, do I apologize for overstepping? Or is that like admitting some undying love I have for you?” I squeeze my eyes shut tight, because those words just feel wrong to say. “Or I guess I should pretend not to know about the talk you two had about me, because I bet she wouldn’t be too thrilled with you hanging out with me alone, would she?”
“Well … she was gonna come up with another reason not to work on your piece. Because she thinks she lined up a wedding gig for a month from now. So we should probably work on other stuff anyway.” He picks at a loose thread on my comforter. He won’t even look at me.
I growl in frustration. “Why did you bother to tell me the real reason? You could have spared me. Like, why are you here?”
“I don’t know. Because I was upset.” He’s dejected.
“Well, good. Now I am, too!”
We stare at each other, in a standoff.
“I’ll just go,” Theo says.
“Okay.”
“I am sorry.” He looks at me again, waiting for me to accept his apology. But I don’t. I’m angry and defensive, and I want him to leave. Now. He must get that because he stands and slumps out the door.
Once he’s gone, I realize that I’m shaking. My heart is pounding against my ribs, because it’s possible that Lily Ann was a little bit right. I mean, of course I love Theo. I’ve always loved him. But there’s the way I feel elated when he drops by, and how I always wish he were sitting closer to me. Or the thrill I get when he does little things like grab my hand or tug on my hair. I really do have romantic feelings for Theo.
I rub my eyes, as if I could just erase these feelings or somehow go back to ignoring them. That realization makes me feel sick. Partially because of Lily Ann. But more because we have this perfect friendship.
Suddenly I feel like I swallowed a rock, because I think of Evita. She just told me she still loves him. He’s probably the last person on the planet I should develop feelings for. At least for Evita’s sake.
Eleven
Orchestra is our first class in the morning, and I don’t make eye contact with Theo. I’m still so angry about last night. I don’t want to look at him and his perfect haircut and his cute sideburns and his flawlessly cut skinny jeans, because I might just spit on him.
I bury myself in the pages of the music, ignoring the fact that the second-seat cellist is the only person between me and Theo. When it’s time to pack up, I see him and Lily Ann having a hushed but heated conversation. I address Lily Ann first. “Hey. So, I’m not going to be at quartet today. Sorry. I need to go to the library to do some research for the volunteer thing I’m doing,” I say. It’s kind of a lie. I don’t need to research anything before this weekend. I honestly just don’t know how I can face quartet rehearsal after last night. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to. Or I don’t want to. “You might want to find another violist to fill in. I’ve been thinking of switching my independent study anyway, so I can volunteer at the hospital. Like, I’ll be researching in the library and stuff.” I haven’t exactly cleared this with the librarian. But she’s been so cool to sponsor Evita’s independent study, I’m sure she’ll sponsor mine, too.
“Oh no! Really?” Lily Ann asks. It’s so fake. I glance briefly at Theo, who is caving in on himself. He can’t even bring himself to comment or pretend to be disappointed for my benefit.
“Yeah. Sorry.” I turn and go. My stomach burns with acid. Evita, Theo, and I have had some drama in the past. Hurt feelings. Misunderstandings. The couple of weeks after Evita and Theo had their nonbreakup but kept shooting each other stabby looks being the most memorable. The thing is, though, most of that was them. I was always neutral. Switzerland. On the periphery of the drama. I want to shrug this off like I do with most things. It’ll be easy enough to take that quartet piece and rearrange it for the Sparrows. But it isn’t about that. It’s about the fact that Theo didn’t stand up for me.
I can’t help but wonder if he has some inkling of how I feel. When I was writing the quartet, I kept imagining the way he’d smile and laugh when he got to the syncopation. I’d do anything to make him laugh, to just bask in that attention for a bit. My cheeks burn as I walk through the halls.
I guess it was a grand romantic gesture. Lily Ann knows it was. But I can’t tell what Theo thinks about any of it. He’s so infuriatingly docile when it comes to Lily Ann. He allows himself to be cowed and coddled. He seems happy when she showers him with affection, but other than that, I don’t know why he’s with her. It sucks, but I’m jealous.
“Lacey!” Evita’s grabbing my arm. “Jesus, woman, you’re walking like your hair’s on fire.”
“If my hair were on fire, I’d drop and roll. Only a moron would try to outrun the fire.”
“Well. I must be a moron, because if I was on fire, I’d probably just scream and run until the flames consumed me.”
“This is why you keep me around,” I tell her. A smile creeps back onto my face. “Because I know where the fire blankets are in the chem lab.”
“That is just one of the many things I love about you.” She crosses her arms. “So, what is up? You look pissed.”
“I am.”
She shoves me into the nearest girls’ room. “Talk.”
“We’ll be late to bio,” I remind her.
“I’ll tell Mr. Green I have my period and you had to help me,” Evita says. “It’s half true anyway. Killer cramps. Now spill.”
I tell her about most of it. Like how Theo was acting like he wanted to hang out with me and really it was a pity hangout so he could tell me he wouldn’t play the quartet. Evita is suitably angry.
She’d probably be even angrier if I confessed how confused I’ve been feeling about Theo.
“That little harpy!” She shakes her head furiously, her curly hair going everywhere. “No. We are going to fix this. You are going to play that quartet.”
“Thing is, I really don’t want to anymore. I actually just kind of quit. We can play the song with the Sparrows.”
“Yes! That theme would be killer.” She nods. “What are you going to do for independent study?”
“Think there’s room for me in the library? I was thinking I could research birth while you work on GSA stuff.”
“Ummm. Yes. That would be excellent. We’ll go talk to the librarian after government. Don’t worry, we’ll fix this.”
Evita is always so steadfast and loyal. I don’t know how anyone goes through high school without an Evita backing them up.
The bell rings. Evita takes my hand and we run to biology.
* * *
I don’t know how I will be able to stand having lunch with Theo and Lily Ann. Fortunately, Evita grabs me by the arm. “You have more girls needing office hours,” she says.
“Office hours?”
“You know, in the bathroom. Come on. A couple GSA kids were asking stuff that’s out of my depth. Word is getting out that you know your shit.”
> “That’s kind of…”
“It’s awesome,” Evita says, with a smile. “There’s obviously a need for this kind of thing and you’re a natural.”
In the bathroom, there are three girls standing by the sinks looking nervous. Evita pushes all the stall doors open to make sure no one else is here. “I’m going to stand guard by the door,” she tells me. “Marie, Amber, and Cam all have questions regarding penises and vaginas and stuff.”
“Oh. Uh. Sure,” I say.
Marie goes first with questions about the safety of performing oral sex on her girlfriend. I tell her about dental dams and the importance of getting tested for STIs if they plan on forgoing using protection. “In fact, even if you do use protection, that information is good to have.” I look up the number of the local women’s health clinic on my phone, then give it to her and tell her she can get tested there. Evita chimes in with little aphorisms like “Herpes is for life,” and “Friends don’t let friends get the clap.” She’s kind of like the much-needed comedic relief in a serious movie. I find it impossible to be that casual about it. It’s easier to keep it informational. Secretly, I can’t believe every girl I meet at this school seems to have so much experience while I have none.
Amber also puts the number for the clinic in her phone. When it’s her turn, she just blurts out: “So how do you know if a guy comes inside you?”
“Um.” I’m so taken aback.
“With a condom?” Evita asks. Oh right, she probably knows more than I do about this. I can’t even think about that fact right now.
“Well. No,” Amber admits.
“Girl. Condoms. Every time, unless you’ve both been tested and you’re on other birth control…,” Evita says. “But without a condom, it should be pretty obvious. Like … you know … if you’re messy afterward.”
“But he pulled out and he was still … you know … hard … so…”
“Pulling out’s not very reliable,” I tell her. “There can be sperm present in the pre-ejaculate.”
“Oh. Shit.”
“Plus, guys stay hard for a little while, you know?” Evita says. Which is exactly the sort of thing I don’t know.
“How long ago are we talking about?” I ask her. “Do you think you might be pregnant?”
“I am a little late. But I thought that since it was right after my period ended…”
I try not to grimace. “Unless you are absolutely following your cycle to a T and you know exactly when you’re ovulating, which can be really difficult even if you’re totally regular, you can’t rely on that.”
“Well, that answers my question,” Cam chimes in. “Is that true even if you’re on your period?”
“Absolutely. I wouldn’t rely on that at all,” I say.
“You don’t have a test or something, do you?” Amber asks. Her face pales.
“Sorry,” I say. “But if you go to the health clinic, I don’t think you even need an appointment for that.”
“Okay.”
“Is that it?” Evita asks. “There are two freshmen who think there’s a line for the bathroom.”
“Yeah. That’s it,” Amber says. She’s out of the bathroom before I can ask her if she’s okay.
“Whoa,” I say to Evita. “Honestly. How do people not know this stuff?”
“Their mothers don’t tell them, I guess. And the school sure as shit doesn’t.”
“But there’s the internet!” I say.
“Not everyone has time to google stuff before they get it on.” Evita shrugs. “And then maybe denial takes over? Like, how else do you explain the existence of a TV show devoted entirely to people not knowing they’re pregnant until they give birth?”
“I seriously thought my mom was the only person who watched that,” I say.
“Duh. We watched it with her, remember?”
“Right.” We walk into the cafeteria. Theo and Lily Ann aren’t at our table. “Where’s Theo?”
“Maybe he’s appropriately embarrassed about how he treated you,” Evita says.
“Or maybe he and Lily Ann are somewhere talking about how awful I am,” I say miserably.
“No way in hell would Theo ever talk shit about you. I don’t care how much sex Lily Ann gives him.”
“You think?”
“I know.”
Evita and I unpack our lunches. I look around the cafeteria, wondering if Theo is just sitting somewhere else. I don’t see him, but I do see a couple of the girls I’ve met with in the bathroom. I get this weird feeling that they are talking about me.
“It’s beyond weird that the first time anyone at this school pays attention to me, it’s because of condoms,” I say.
“The people have questions. You have answers.”
“Yeah, I kind of can’t wait to hand out the condom pamphlets. I’ll print them this weekend.”
“You rebel.” Evita waggles her eyebrows at me.
I hope Evita can get behind my volunteering at the hospital as enthusiastically as she has about this little public health campaign. She grins at me with her mouth full of hummus and pita.
* * *
After school, we meet at Evita’s locker most days because it’s the closest to the parking lot. We leave our backpacks in there. Through the throng of students I can see that Theo and Evita are already there. And Evita looks pissed. I can guess what she’s yelling about, and I take my time getting there.
I stop for a drink at the only water fountain in our school that has cold water. I drink until I feel someone standing behind me, waiting for a turn. Glancing down the hall, I see Theo gesturing, and I can tell by the blotchiness forming on his cheeks and neck that he’s probably trying not to cry.
As pissed as I am at him, I feel bad for unleashing the full Evita rage on him. Instead of avoiding him, I should probably go to his rescue. We can move past this, hopefully without any of my actual feelings coming to light. I walk up to them with my hands in my back pockets, trying to appear casual.
“Lacey!” Evita says brightly. “I hope you’re ready for an epic weekend of rehearsing.” She glances at Theo, who is trying to make the fact that he’s drying his eyes on the sleeve of his blazer look like he’s just tired. “Because we’re moving past this quartet nonsense.” She looks at her phone. “Guess who’s meeting us at my apartment? Alice!”
I can’t wait to see Alice again, but I’m honestly so nervous about rehearsing. Even if Theo and I put the quartet behind us, I can’t just forget the feelings I’ve uncovered. I hate that I suddenly don’t know how to act around one of my best friends. But the way he’s looking at me now with watery blue eyes, I’m wondering if maybe he’s this upset because of how he feels about me. As much as I want to shut out those feelings, I know I’m going to spend the rehearsals overanalyzing absolutely everything Theo does and feeling self-conscious about how I act around him.
“Ready to go?” Evita asks.
“Yup,” I lie.
Twelve
“Well, that answers that question!” Evita says when Alice steps into her living room.
“Evita!” Janice scolds. She’s sitting on the couch, somehow managing to read a book while we make all kinds of noise.
“It’s not polite to inquire about the contents of someone’s uterus,” I tell her.
“This one,” Evita says, pointing at me. “Mom, you should have heard Lacey telling the whole world about how to use condoms today. Really eye opening. A lot of people use them wrong. Like put them on too late, or don’t leave enough room in the tip. Did you know that?”
“Jesus, Evita,” Theo says. “Do you want your mom to answer that question?”
“Fair point,” Evita says.
“You were telling the whole world about condoms?” Alice asks. “I could have used you last year. Man. I missed so much.”
“You’ve missed everything,” Evita tells her.
“Evita!” Janice says again.
“I just mean we have to get you caught up! So, there’s a person in
there?” Evita asks.
“Evita!” Janice and I both say.
“It’s okay.” Alice laughs. “There is a person in there. A boy. I get to meet him in a couple months.”
“Hi, person. You’re about to hear some epic music. They can hear in there, right?” Evita asks me.
“Oh. Yeah.”
“This guy likes country,” Alice says, patting her stomach.
“Oh. No. No, no, no, no. That will not do. Find a place to sit. Actually, should we try to figure out where we’ll actually be onstage?” Evita starts moving stuff around.
Theo stands to help her move the keyboard.
“Sit back down, you have bass lines that need to be written down for Bruno,” Evita says firmly.
Theo rolls his eyes at me, and I smile. I’m relieved because things actually do feel normal with us this afternoon.
“This is so great!” Alice says to me. “Thanks for inviting me.”
Once everything is set, Evita sits by her mixing equipment. “Okay. I’m gonna take main vocals for now, but, Alice, just join in with harmonies as you can, and eventually you can probably sing lead vocals.”
“You don’t want to be front man?” Theo asks.
“Are you kidding? I’m so busy mixing! We’ll share. Let’s do ‘Super Eighteen.’ And, Lacey, start with your viola line and we’ll loop that so you can jump on the keys for the build.”
I nod. And we’re in it. Everything that was right minutes ago is made even better. Alice chimes in when she can, but Theo and Evita and I play as a unit. We’re so practiced at listening to one another and glancing at one another for cues. It’s the way music is meant to be played.
Our quartet never got this far, and we’ve been playing for a year. If I can keep playing with the Sparrows, I honestly don’t mind if I never play in another string quartet again. At the same time, I can’t imagine Theo ever giving it up. He’s so good.
We play through our set. It’s rough in places, but I know that with only a few more rehearsals, we’ll be golden.
The Birds, the Bees, and You and Me Page 7