by C. T. Phipps
“Well, sort of.”
“Sort of?”
“Yeah, imagine most gods like Zeus or Cthulhu are ten million. Nyarlathotep and Azathoth are like thirty million.”
“This is getting very Dragon Ball Z.”
“I’ll pretend I know what that is. You’re about a ten.”
“Ten?” I blinked. “Is this a system where lower is better?”
“No.”
“Ah,” I said. Somehow, reality always schemed to make my accomplishments seem lamer than they were. It was as if they were deliberately setting out to make my being a god as unimpressive as possible. “So, best not send out any fliers for my new religion just yet.”
I was joking. My rabbi would kill me.
Mercury shook her head. “You’re like the god of rusty door hinges or infomercials no one watches unless they have insomnia.”
“That’s a very odd example for someone who grew up in a post-apocalypse wasteland.”
“The things we had to watch in our library were VHS tapes of what people had recorded before the end of the world.”
“Truly a hellish nightmare world. VHS tapes?”
“Get through the goddamn portal!” Mercury said, rolling her eyes.
“Right!” I said, realizing I was still on the wrong side of the portal. I waved to Jane and G on my way out, the Henchbots waving to me as well. I also blew kisses to my daughters who stared at me with a look that made me wonder if Mindy was going to use her super-strength to steal an ice cream truck again. As for Leia? Well, I fully expected to return to adorable pictures hanging from banners over the burnt-out ruins of the White House, because, don’t all parents want to see their children exceed them? I mean aside from Cindy?
Stepping through, I found myself in a lush and verdant paradise that had enormous blooming orange flowers growing from trees I couldn’t recognize. The Hollow Earth was warm but tropical heat rather than something boiling. The air was fresh and clean, which briefly caused me to cough as I was used to a forty-five percent smog, fifty-percent nitrogen, five percent oxygen mix. We were next to a forty-foot-tall waterfall pouring down into a nearby lagoon that had a triceratops drinking out of it.
Cindy pulled out my cellphone and took a picture of it.
“Really, Cindy?” I asked.
“Instapost demands I document all of my adventures,” Cindy said, taking a selfie as well. “I brought a floating camera so we can get real-time footage of our Hollow Earth expedition for Where in the Multiverse is Cindy Wachkowski?”
“That’s not a real show,” I said, raising an eyebrow. “Also, if it was, you’d still get sued.”
“It’s a working title. I’m still trying to pitch it,” Cindy said, pulling out a small ball that she tossed in the air. It floated up and popped out a tiny camera that started looking her up and down. “I figure it’ll be like Mary Poppins and appeal to both kids and their dads.”
“Excuse me?” I asked.
“You know, you watch Mary Poppins as a child and it’s this cute magical adventure, then you watch as an adult and you realize how hot Julia Andrews is.”
I opened my mouth then closed it. “You’ve ruined that movie for me.”
“Ruined it or made it better?” Cindy asked.
“Ruined.”
“This is a fantastic place,” Gabrielle said, walking over to the waterfall pond and scooping a handful of water to drink.
“You realize dinosaurs probably pee in that, right?” Mercury asked.
Gabrielle shook her head. “Cast-iron alien-power infused stomach.”
“Which you don’t have,” John explained. “The Great Old Ones killed billions of people when they rose from power, but that wasn’t what killed most of humanity. It was the disease, starvation, thirst, and other daily evils that destroyed us.”
“Are you human?” Reyan asked, looking at John. “You do not feel human.”
“No,” John said. “I’m a monster in human form.”
“You’ll find the definition of monster is a bit different on my world,” I said, reassuring him. “Being a monster is what you do, not what you are.”
“My father said that,” Gabrielle said, looking down.
I’d gotten it from The Witcher video games, but truth was truth. “So, Reyan, do you know which way to head from here?”
“Vaguely,” Reyan said. “We’re about a hundred miles from the city of Nur’Ab’Sal. That is near the border of the Nazi territory.”
“Wait, a hundred miles?” I asked.
CHAPTER SIX
NAZI SUPER-SCIENCE IS THE WORST
“A hundred miles?” I asked, repeating what I’d just said. “On foot?”
“That’s a bit of a forced march,” John said, nodding. “An average adult human can walk three to four miles per hour so potentially ninety-six miles in twenty-four hours. However, we’ll probably have to spread that over a week’s time, given you are civilians. Obviously, we’ll have to consider water, food—”
“Yeah, I think we need to just cheat,” I replied, not happy about the prospect. I worked out an hour a day, to maintain my distinctly non-nerd physique. However, bluntly, that wasn’t any real training for hiking and (ugh) nature.
“Yes,” Cindy said, raising one foot wearing an expensive boot. “These boots were made for walking…down a runway.”
“You are terribly unprepared for a jungle journey,” John said.
“Yes,” I said, nodding. “Yes, we are. However, preparing would have required me to think clearly when my niece was endangered and there’s Nazis to punch.”
“Fair enough,” John said. “I’ve gone a little crazy when my loved ones were threatened, too.”
I blinked. “Okay, this is going to seem like a very personal question but… do you have kids?”
“Yes,” John said. “Many. Some with my ex-wife, some adopted, and a few with other partners. It happens in the future. Not much to do but hook up, kill monsters, and hope your offspring don’t die.”
“And you’re an alien,” I pointed out. “Just to be clear.”
“Sort of,” John said. “I’m half-human.”
“Kind of a big tentacle slime-monster,” Mercury explained. “Lots of eyes, mouths, and multi-dimensional space-time distortions. He can just shapeshift into a gunslinging cowboy. His guns draw matter from other dimensions that can rip through most supernatural beings like they’re made of paper.”
I grimaced. “Aside from telling you that you would make an awesome anime protagonist, I have to ask: how does that work?”
I didn’t actually want to ask this guy too much about his sex life, but I was always curious how so many alien-human hybrids popped up across various dimensions. I mean, there are plenty of things that don’t make much sense in my world, but that just means you have to try harder to understand them. Even God just qualifies as an extra-dimensional hyper-geometry being when you get down to it.
Or so my theoretical physicist rabbi says.
“How does what work?” John asked, making me spell it out.
I waved around my hands. “Just saying, crossbreeding slime-monsters with people confuses me. I mean, it feels like a bad Dungeons and Dragons supplement. Half-elves? Yes, I can buy it. Half-dwarves, not a problem. Half-ooze or gelatinous cube? A little confusing.”
“Magic,” John said, clearly irritated by the entire line of conversation.
“Just magic, huh? No further explanation?” I asked.
“Do you want specifics?” John asked, his voice taking on the slightest bit of an edge.
“I do!” Cindy piped in.
Gabrielle felt her face. “Some shapeshifting species have tri-dimensional DNA that allows them to be simultaneously whatever species they breed with as well as their original one.”
“Uh-huh,” I said, not saying that sounded like gobbledygook. “What I was actually asking is maybe you could turn into a dragon or giant bat and fly us there.”
“No,” John said. “I’m not going to le
t you ride me. Not even after a few drinks.”
“Aww,” Mercury said.
I looked at her.
“What? Cindy’s not the only pervert here,” Mercury said. “Don’t worry. We won’t have to do the lengthy death march with woefully unprepared mortals.”
“You’re going to magic us there again?” I asked. “Whip out a Mordekain’s Magnificent Mansion for us to stay in between walks?”
“See, it sounds like you’re speaking English, but it comes off as gibberish,” Mercury said, looking at me sideways.
“I can control animals,” Reyan said, simply. “I will summon mounts from the local wildlife to carry us across the jungles of Pait’an and through the valleys of Unkunda. It will not be a comfortable ride, but as heroes of the Surface World, I am assuming you are used to struggle.”
“You would be wrong,” Cindy said, making finger guns. “I am a perfect example of a woman who will do everything in her power to avoid discomfort.”
“Then why did you even come Cindy?” Gabrielle asked, exhausted.
“Fame,” Cindy said. “If you disappear for a few months, the public forgets you exist and then you get replaced with cheap knock-offs using your codename. That’s how we got White Ultragoddess in two-thousand and eight.”
“I thought we all made an agreement never to speak of her again,” Gabrielle said.
“So, you can control animals or talk to animals?” I asked.
“Both,” Reyan asked, looking at me. “Why do you ask?”
“Just wondering,” I asked. I was a big animal lover, but my dogs had passed away while I was off on a caper and I’d never forgiven myself for it. People who hurt poochies and cats were just below Nazis in my view. I’d never killed anyone for animal abuse but that didn’t preclude breaking their legs.
“I primarily control dinosaurs. I have mastered almost every single kind to be found in the Hollow Earth,” Reyan put her hand to her forehead and stared at the triceratops. “Gotta catch ’em all.”
“Wait, what?” I asked, wondering if I’d heard that correctly.
A glow surrounded Reyan and then the triceratops before it lifted itself up from where it was drinking and sauntered over. The creature proceeded to flop down on the ground. Cindy crawled up on its back and took a deep breath.
“Not my favorite type of barebacking, but it’ll do,” Cindy said.
Gabrielle felt her face. “Oh, for the love of the Primals.”
“I’ll walk beside it,” John said. “I don’t get tired.”
“I’ll be fine, too,” I said.
“Really, Gary?” Cindy asked. “You complain about getting drinks from the fridge.”
“Because I am exhausted from my strenuous workout every morning,” I snapped.
“Uh-huh,” Cindy said. “The one you achieve with an IV drip of Mountain Dew and vitamin water that consists of ninety percent sugar and ten percent water.”
“Sugar is a vitamin,” I argued. “The best kind.”
Reyan and Mercury joined Cindy on the back of the triceratops while Gabrielle walked behind me. “You sure?”
“Gary, I’ve had survival training on the moon,” Gabrielle said. “I’m fine.”
“Sorry,” I said, taking a deep breath. “So, anyone want to share their life stories as we begin our journey to Mount Doom?”
“No, Mount Doom is the other way,” Reyan said, pointing to a volcano east of us.
She kicked the side of the triceratops and it started walking west. Well, as much as east and west mattered when you were walking on the interior of a sphere.
“That means you go first, Blondie,” I said.
Reyan frowned. “My parents were archaeologists. They discovered the secret entrance to the Hollow Earth at the Tomb of Sigurd and Brunhilde. My brother and I were playing with the artifacts there when we were bestowed the power of the Aesir.”
“Really?” I asked. “That’s fascinating.”
“Not really,” Reyan said, frowning. For a moment she didn’t sound like the stoic woman she had for our short acquaintance but an upset teenager. “P.H.A.N.T.O.M turned out to be the sponsors of the expedition. They killed both my parents and took my brother hostage. They also killed our dog.”
“Oh, those sons of bitches!” I snapped. “I didn’t think I could hate those guys more. What breed was it?”
“Malamute.”
“Bastards,” Cindy said.
“I like dogs,” Mercury said. “Very good for hunting down game. I hated when the famine happened, and we had to eat mine.”
Well, that was a conversation stopper. The triceratops smashed down trees and crushed them as it continued onward. There was a clearing nearby and we were soon walking through the tall grass.
“So, what about you, Shorts and Tank Top? What’s your story?” I asked Mercury.
“I was a torturer for a fascist city-state that executed anyone they suspected of having nonhuman DNA or mutations.”
I blinked. “Huh. Must have been a problem for a mixed-race woman and black man.”
“Why?” Mercury asked.
“Oh, right, apparently in the future the authoritarian military governments are pro-racial tolerance,” I muttered, sarcastically.
“The black and the white gang up on the furry and clawed,” John said. “Mind you, that didn’t stop people from still hating on the black.”
“It never does,” Gabrielle muttered.
“So how did you stop being, uh, a torturer?” I asked, regretting even inquiring.
“I saw a chance to get out and I took it,” Mercury replied. “The Wasteland and almost certain death seemed a better opportunity than a long life while my soul was sucked out of me. Along the way I encountered more than my fair of wizards and Old Earth knowledge. I used that to become a witch. As for the shorts and tank top, it’s hot in the desert. Also, I look good in it.”
“I live my life by that credo,” Cindy said, nodding.
“You’re very well preserved for your age,” Reyan said, smiling.
Cindy pulled out a hand-held death ray from under her cloak and aimed it at Reyan.
I glared a her.
Cindy begrudgingly put it back under her cloak.
“Sensitive about your age?” Reyan asked.
“There’s a lot of places to dump a body here,” Cindy said.
Reyan blinked rapidly.
“What about you, Great and Powerful Blog the Gunslinger?” I asked, trying to divert the story.
“Call me that again and we’ll test Cindy’s statement,” John said.
“Sorry,” I said, taking a deep breath. “It’s all this nature. There’s something unnatural about so much green. I can’t wait until nightfall.”
“There’s no nightfall,” Reyan replied.
“Oh. How about seasons?”
“Nope.”
“Huh,” I said, thinking about the economic possibilities. “You know, we could build some seriously awesome resorts down here.”
“Just ignore the giant monsters, wasps, and the indigenous culture,” Cindy said.
“Et tu, Cindy?”
“I’m not saying we shouldn’t, but we should cut the locals in and leave the first guests to be eaten,” Cindy said. “We can make sure the guests are idiots, too, like investors in Objectivist anarcho-paradises and bitcoin.”
I didn’t tell her I’d invested heavily in bitcoin. “Yeah, sure. Come on, John, tell us a bit about you.”
“I was a ranger back on my world.”
“Army or Aragorn?” I asked.
“A little bit of both,” John explained. “Gamma Squad was a collection of the fiercest, toughest, and most heroic humans of my age.”
“What happened?”
“The fiercest, toughest, and most heroic humans of an age were still only human. They died in an assault on a wizard’s temple and I did my best to avenge them. Along the way, I found out my heritage wasn’t entirely human. I had a choice between life as a monster and merciful d
eath as a man.”
“And you chose life as a monster,” I said.
“I’ve seen too much evil done by humanity to have any particular attachment to them,” John said, his voice low. “Besides, being a monster allowed me to do things that other people couldn’t do and make the world slightly less horrible for those who weren’t.”
“Don’t mock humanity,” Case said. “They’re squishy but fun.”
“Humans are worse than any other race except all the others,” Jane said.
“I’m on Team Human until I get an upgrade,” Cindy said.
“On our world, trying to make the world a better place despite the evils afflicting is what’s called being a hero,” Gabrielle said.
“And look how much good being a hero has done,” I said, more bitter than I realized. The Society of Superheroes was on the verge of being snuffed out, while trying to defend the oppressed of a land most people had never heard of, but the governments of that world were completely unaware of it. Hell, some would be glad when the superheroes were gone. Supervillains they understood. We wanted, took, and had. Altruism was alien to the governments of the world.
It was why I could never be a superhero. I might save people when I was inclined, but I’d never feel obligated to the ugly, nasty side of humanity. I helped people because I wanted to help them, not because I had to. Also, because some people needed to be torched or frozen.
“So, you became a blob in a cowboy hat.”
“Pretty much. Mercury kept me sane or at least insane in a way that could be pointed at people trying to kill humanity’s last remnants,” John said. “The Hollow Earth is a last refuge for us. All we have to do is take it back from P.H.A.N.T.O.M.”
“And the local potentates are okay with this?” I asked, still not sure about this. There was a pretty big difference between imperialism and immigration. I just wanted to make sure it was the latter rather than the former.
“The Night Empress has empowered me to make the offer. She is ruler of ten city-states and the last of the Great Rulers who has not been conquered by P.H.A.N.T.O.M. As the guardian of Odin’s Spear and the Golden Apples, she is also the holder of the sacred relics that determine who is ruler among humans.”