by C. T. Phipps
“Aren’t you the protector of Atlas City, Gabrielle?” I asked.
Gabrielle didn’t respond for a moment. “I have my own legacy to look after. The Shadow Seven…teen, are always at work in countries that don’t have heroes of their own.”
“Also, trying to redeem villains,” I pointed out. “Just how much of your workload would I be taking on?”
“A lot,” Gabrielle said. “I have a big cape to fill.”
“Which means you’re going to be gone even more than before,” I said, realizing why she was doing this.
“You’ll be fine,” Gabrielle said.
“We both will,” Cindy said, snarking from the sidelines. “By the way, when does Valkyrie Girl turn eighteen?”
Cindy was then encased in an opaque soundproof Ultra-Force bubble. There were a few bumps rising from the inside where Cindy was clearly trying to beat her way out.
“Oops,” Gabrielle said, looking at the bubble. “I wonder who could have done that.”
“Just leave some airholes,” I said. “We don’t want her to end up like Bandito the Super Dog.”
If the magical dog owner hadn’t been killed by his pup’s archnemesis afterward, I would have killed him myself.
“My construct bubbles have a membrane-esque exterior,” Gabrielle asked. “They can also generate artificial life support in space.”
“Dramatically convenient!” I said, cheerfully. This was a hard decision and one I wasn’t sure I wanted to embrace. “The people of Atlas City will never accept me as their protector. They barely accepted Gabrielle.”
“They never accepted me,” Captain Ultra said, the bitterness in his voice palpable. “You will be hated and loathed by the public, even when you save them. Moses Anders was an icon and I will never understand his love for you. In the end, no matter what you do, they will treat you as a supervillain intruding on their city.”
“Good,” I said, simply. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ll take the job.”
“Face it, tiger, you just hit the jackpot,” Cindy said, having somehow escaped the Ultra-Force bubble.
Gabrielle did a double take. “How the hell—”
Cindy also had my cocoa mug, which had magically refilled.
“We can’t use that without getting sued,” I said, simply. “Also, I’m not getting a new superhero name.”
“The Salacious Spidermonkey is a brand we need to trademark,” Cindy said. “There’s marketing gold there.”
I laughed.
Why was the voice in the back of my head positively screaming now?
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
YOU BROKE MY HEART, FREDO
And so ended the career of Merciless: The Supervillain without MercyTM and so began the career of Merciless: Undercover SuperheroTM. I was going to have to adapt a lot of my licenses and update my marketing agreements. I’d just gotten my second comic, The Magnificent Merciless, and a backup feature in Tales of Misery.
It was the end of an era.
Gabrielle put her hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay, Gary?”
“I’m just trying to figure out if this is progress or a step back.” I took a deep breath. “I became a supervillain because I was trying to honor Keith. Now I’m finally stepping out of that role.”
“Your brother wasn’t someone to admire,” Aquarius said in his deep manly baritone.
“Stay out of this, Tony the Tuna,” I said, glaring.
Aquarius raised an eyebrow that contained a century of raw underwater fury.
I hid behind Gabrielle.
Gabrielle rolled her eyes. “Gary, you’ve beaten Entropicus.”
That was a grossly inaccurate statement in the same sense that one football player beat the other team, but I appreciated her support. Nevertheless, I wasn’t about to get on the bad side of Underwater Barbarian Man.
“The dude can talk to fish! Do you know how terrifying that is? Like, imagine a shark attacking you on land!” I said. “I mean, yes, it’ll end badly for the shark, but land sharks!”
Truth be told, Keith probably would have agreed with Aquarius. When I’d met his spirit in the afterlife, he’d given me a reality check that the life of a supervillain wasn’t a glamorous one. It had cost him time with his wife, his daughter, and ultimately his life. I probably should have stopped right there but I felt I could manage it. I’d been wrong.
Gabrielle shook her head. “You’ll make a fine superhero, Gary.”
I hugged Gabrielle and kissed her. “You always were the best liar among us. It’s why I never suspected you were Guinevere.”
“Wait, what?” Guinevere said, looking as confused as Gabrielle.
“You almost had me fooled but Guinevere’s public identity of Guinevere Avalon has a ponytail and Gabrielle Anders doesn’t! Clearly Ultragoddess is just a clever ruse.”
“Gary, are you on drugs?” Gabrielle asked.
“Infrequently,” I said, smiling then turning around. “I’m going to go get myself something a bit stronger. Do you want anything?”
“No, I’m fine,” Gabrielle said nodding. “Thank you again for this.”
“Anything,” I said, turning around and walking away.
Cindy followed me. “You know I’m really rooting for you two. I love her every bit as much as I love you, despite how often she cheats on you.”
“It’s not cheating, it’s polyamory,” I said.
“We knew about you being with her before it happened,” Cindy said. “Me and evil demonically possessed corpse woman, a.k.a. Not-Mandy. That’s polyamory.”
“Yes, I know that,” I said, not needing that spelled out. “I was there.”
“Did you know about her other boyfriends when she was with them?” Cindy asked.
I glared at her. “Gabrielle has trust issues. I have issues with murdering people. Marriage is about compromise.”
“I’m just saying that you should get some issues sorted out before you take the final plunge. This is the second time you’ve tried with Gabrielle and the definition of insanity is trying repeatedly to get a new result after repeated failures. Which is why the sanest people in the world are quitters.”
“I am so glad our daughter benefits from your wisdom,” I said, sarcastically.
“I wish I could be a better mom, but my only strategy so far is to do the exact opposite of everything my mom did. It works sometimes but not always. Anyway, I know Gabrielle has trust issues and it’s because she’s always Ultragoddess even when she’s wearing glasses. She never lets her guard down even with you. I never understood those people who date under a secret identity. That’s just starting with the premise of lying to your partner.”
“Yeah, well, then you’re just one bad breakup from Mr. Chaos murdering your entire family,” I said. “That happened, you know.”
“Yeah, to Acro-Bat,” Cindy said. “I didn’t say it wasn’t practical. I just said it didn’t work great. This whole undercover thing is going to tax you, Gary. People are going to feel betrayed by you when they find out you’re working for the Society of Superheroes.”
“Supervillains aren’t one big happy family, Cindy,” I said, admitting something I’d known for a long time. “Honor among thieves turned out to be a crock.”
“I think that phrase was always meant to be ironic,” Cindy pointed out. “It’s why the whole Prisoner’s Dilemma is a thing in the first place. You have made people better, though. I think you should do this, but do it for the people you’re going to help and not to impress Gabrielle. Henceforth known as Merciless Babymama number two.”
“She is not known as that,” I said. “Also, you know she can hear you, right?”
“Yes, because there’s any doubt in the world that I’ll say what’s on my mind.”
She had a point there. “Never change, Cindy.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t. Once you find me the secret of immortality because someone had to eat the last golden apple. Not naming names but it was you.”
“How ter
rible of me.”
Cindy leaned in and whispered. “Also, bluntly, being a werewolf doesn’t come with immortality. I was hoping this was an Underworld thing where we don’t age like vampires, but it’s actually just a fuzzy thing.”
“I thought you were cured.”
“Pfft. That’s only to fool the Society of Superheroes idjits,” Cindy said, continuing to whisper.
“Gabrielle can hear things from space. Fifteen feet away and whispering isn’t going to help.”
“Pfft,” Cindy said. “That’s only if she’s listening.”
“Which I am!” Gabrielle said, shouting from the group she was with.
Cindy turned her head and stuck out her tongue. “That is very rude!”
“It is a sad-sad day when I am the mature one in the room,” I muttered.
“Yeah, well, it hasn’t happened yet, Mr. ‘I Seriously Suggested a Darth Vader theme for the master bedroom’.”
I opened my mouth then closed it. “Fair enough.”
Moments later, two ceramic mugs full of beer were presented to us by a pair of metal tentacles. “Guten tag, my brothers and sisters.”
I took the beer and looked up to see Tina Terror, or, at least the robot version of Cindy, wearing a lab coat over a form-fitting one-piece swimsuit. Because superheroes, am I right? She was also wearing Niki Tesla’s steampunk goggles and had her multiplicity rig.
“Niki?” I asked, blinking.
“Oh, hell no!” Cindy said. “Gary, you are not building a robot me for a twins fantasy. I don’t have many limits but that’s one of them. Wait, how much are you offering?”
“Why does everyone think I’m a pervert?” I asked.
Cindy and Niki cocked their heads to one side in unison.
“Aside from all the reasons,” I replied, taking a sip of the beer. It was a deep Earthy brew. “Still not my thing. The incest subtext is a turnoff.”
“Too much information, Gary,” Niki said. “So, I’m really amazed by the sexual features available in this android body. I’m going to have to try them all.”
Cindy shook with rage. “What the hell are you doing in my body?”
“It’s not your body,” Niki said, simply. “It’s just a knock-off of yours. Honestly, I thought a lot of these proportions were fake. Must be surgical. Anywho, when Gary freed me from P.H.A.N.T.O.M’s control, I had to transfer my consciousness to a wireless vessel capable of holding my vast intellect. It turned out a shutdown sex doll in the lab where Gary was held was about the only thing worthwhile. Turns out there’s not actually that much in the way of Internet service at the center of the Earth. Also, our coverage doesn’t reach the surface.”
“You should see what I pay for my cellphone plan,” I said. “Also, magic.”
“Magic is just nature’s way of giving us the finger,” Niki said. “In any case, Cindy, this is as hard on you as it is on me.”
“I’m fairly sure that’s not true,” Cindy said. “At all.”
“Yes, it’s not how I’d prefer to pass the Bechdel Test in our first conversation in years either,” Niki replied. “However, I can make it up to you.”
“How?” Cindy deadpanned.
“Money!” Niki answered. “The cause and solution to all of life’s problems. Much like alcohol, sex, drugs, and firearms.”
Cindy’s demeanor changed upon the mention of the other ‘m’ word. “I’m listening. I need to warn you that Gary is a superhero now, though.”
I did a literal facepalm. “What part of undercover do you not understand?”
“Well, obviously the core concept!” Cindy snapped, having binge-watched Archer with me. “Who goes undercover as themselves? This is a setup!”
Okay, she had a point there.
“Wait, you’re not already a superhero?” Niki asked, confused.
“Wait, what?” I asked.
“I just thought you were being ironic,” Niki replied. “I mean, you hang around with Ultragoddess. You barely commit any crimes. You also kill villains all the time. I feel like the ship has sailed on your bad guyness.”
“Maybe it’s all part of my master plan to make you think I’m a superhero pretending to be a villain while actually—” I started to say.
“Stop,” Niki said, raising her hand. “Don’t care. Unsubscribe. All you need to know is I have wreaked a terrible vengeance on P.H.A.N.T.O.M’s finances. In addition to exposing their allies wherever I could, I’ve also emptied all their bank accounts and liquidated their stock. Like three countries have collapsed because of it and while that’s bad, they were controlled by terrorists so let’s just pretend that won’t cause more problems in the long run.”
“How much are we talking?” I asked.
“A lot,” Nikki said. “I’ve donated ninety percent of it to fighting global climate change.”
Both Cindy and I gagged.
“And another five percent to funding STEM projects to benefit human advancement,” Nikki said, without missing a beat.
Cindy looked ill.
“But the remaining five percent is still damn huge, and I intend to spend it on myself. I’m also willing to split it with you guys,” Nikki said. “You know, to keep you in the lifestyle of decadent luxury you’re accustomed to.”
“It’s all I’ve ever wanted,” Cindy said, nodding.
“I should donate my share to the victims of Tom Terror,” I said, solemnly.
“Seriously?” Cindy asked.
“Hell no!” I snapped. “I’m a parent, which allows me to justify accumulating as much money as possible for the benefit of my kids. Guilt free.”
“Oh, is that how that scam works? It suddenly makes a lot more sense,” Cindy said, nodding. “Still, I wish you’d donated some of that to handling healthcare for all.”
Nikki snorted as she stole someone else’s beer. “Of course, you would say that.”
“Excuse me?” Cindy asked.
“Well, you’re an M.D.” Nikki made air quotes. “Not a real doctor.”
Cindy charged and began fighting with her doppelgänger. Blonde Cindy and Red Cindy punched at each other, neither using their superpowers.
I watched for a second and sipped my beer. “Yeah, okay, maybe I could get into—”
Both women stopped to glare at me.
“Right, I will now go be anywhere else in the universe,” I said, turning around to walk away.
There were a lot of confused looks at my continued presence. Apparently, the High Council was keeping my redemption (was that what it was?) on the D-Low. Strangely, not everyone was exactly disapproving. I’d thought all heroes had been approving of Merciful, my opposite, while hating the villain me. Instead, there seemed to be a mixture of emotions regarding me. Most of them seemed happy to see me, if I was honest, which was a weird feeling. Then again, maybe I was projecting. Perhaps, and this is just crazy-talk, I know, but most superheroes weren’t completely ungrateful bastards. People who appreciated the fact I helped them escape a bunch of subterranean Nazis. Wow, I used the words ‘subterranean Nazis’ unironically. I guess that meant I was a real supervillain (hero?) now.
Really, all I wanted to do was go back to my kids and take a break for the next week. I had been out of the supervillain game for a year and this mission had been a lot harder than I’d expected. The thing was, I didn’t think I could go back to civilian life either. The simple fact was that the government had been a hair’s breadth from coming for my kids, and if you weren’t on one side or the other in the war of good versus evil, then you were going to get hit from both sides. I figured that I might as well be one of the good guys, even if it was inherently less cool. Redemption was a choice and I was taking it. At least I didn’t have to get zapped by the Emperor after throwing him down a reactor shaft.
I waved at Lisa, Mr. Inventor (I just couldn’t call him Galahad, even in my head), and Reyan who were at the donut table. Both Leia and Mindy were sitting beside them, which told me things were going well. I was about to join them when
I saw Diabloman poke his head out from the side of the elevator I’d used to reach the room and wave to me. Blinking, I shrugged and walked toward my luchador friend. He was wearing a workout jumpsuit that resembled the outfit of a professional wrestler, as well as a strange pair of golden bracelets that were inscribed with Nub’Ab’Sal writing.
“Wassup?” I said, looking at my best friend. “Not joining the party?”
“I would not be welcome there,” Diabloman said, pushing the button for the throne room (marked “T”).
The doors closed to the elevator and it started to descend to the Hollow Earth. I wasn’t looking forward to it turning upside down again.
“They believe in redemption, D,” I said, trying to convince myself of it. “You’ve saved the world multiple times.”
“I have also killed heroes,” Diabloman said. “Not just men and women, but children. My crimes are not like yours, Merciless. They are unforgivable and evil. My attempts at atonement have always been vapor and air.”
I didn’t like to think about the terrible things Diabloman had done. Because, yeah, I pretty much believed anyone who hurt kids did deserve to die. Diabloman had been raised by a murderous evil cult, though, and he’d done whatever he could to make up for his crimes. It made me an enormous hypocrite, but I wanted to help him. I had to believe there was a chance for everybody who wasn’t a fascist.
“I wished you out of hell, Diabloman. You have a fresh start,” I said, pausing. “Which is another sentence that makes me realize how far we’ve come together. I’m a real supervillain now and I owe it all to you.”
Diabloman’s expression was usually visible underneath his mask. It clung tight enough to his face that I could make out the contours of his cheeks, lips, and mouth. “Redemption is not something the gods decide on. It is something that must exist in one’s heart. I can never achieve it unless I gain my sister’s forgiveness.”