Kelly laughed as she recalled a recent visit with her mother that had puzzled her at the time. Her mother was telling a visitor how artistically talented her daughter had been as a child, and asked, “Why didn’t you ever continue with your art? You were so talented and we spent extra money on you for art class.” Kelly wondered, “I felt angry, then ashamed, but hid it. I couldn’t figure out why I was ‘overreacting,’ so I said, ‘I was just lazy, I guess.’”
Kelly’s Trust Check-In:
My Child is feeling ashamed about the way I came apart at the training. She is also afraid that I’ll get in trouble if I start to draw again. She’s really stuck at being ten years old. My Protector is furious at my mother, but it has also kept me quiet all these years. I’m upset that my mother forgot about it, or is playing innocent for her absurd overreaction. Drawing was so important to me. How could she have done that?! I am really angry about that!
Kelly’s letters:
Dear little Kelly: You didn’t do anything wrong. Of course, you had to stop drawing, because Mommy said so. Now we can try it again. You are a wonderful artist and deserve to have fun again. I’m sorry I didn’t know how to keep this from being awful for you for all these years, and for putting you into this new class that scared you so much. I love you.
Dear Protector: Wow, were you clever about how you got me out of that class! Thank you for keeping me safe all these years. I’d like to try to draw again, and will do it alone first before I take a class. I promise I won’t let the little girl get in trouble. It’s okay now. Thank you.
Preparing for the Next Chapter
The idea of getting really close to someone delights your Child but scares your Protector. Your Adult needs to keep both reassured that being open won’t become a threat to your survival. To get ready for more intimacy, practice the Trust Check-In on issues with older relationships.
In the next chapter, you’ll have a chance to view your current relationships in terms of trust and belonging. Your Adult will have the opportunity to think about the people you want to be closer to, and those you might want to distance.
Chapter 3
Trust Is the Pathway to Intimacy
Why is it so hard to create intimacy?
It’s healthy to long for a sanctuary where you can safely reveal your Child’s fears and Adult dreams. Intimacy can be this safe place, but it isn’t created instantly. Mutual honesty and understanding are the foundations of real intimacy. Even with these, intimacy can disappear for long periods. It’s hard work and takes solid self-trust to build intimacy between two people.
You must be vulnerable to have closeness with someone. This is where you share your innermost self. Your Adult chooses whom to entrust with the Child’s tender secrets and fears.
What Is Healthy Intimacy?
Intimacy deserves a very personal definition. For some, it is the closeness they feel when someone listens to their dreams. Others find intimacy by sharing their turmoil, feeling support as evidence of deep connection. Sometimes we don’t consciously choose the moment when we reveal ourselves. We have few defenses when our hearts are broken and will show hidden weakness in our grief. Intimacy is created when we are tenderly met at such times.
The pathway into lasting intimacy begins with knowing and accepting yourself. Until you are ready to love yourself in your current state of imperfection, you can’t expect others to do so. Intimacy flourishes when mutual respect is grounded in self-respect. Each step toward intimacy takes the courage to let go of judging yourself and others.
The confidence to reveal your innermost thoughts and feelings increases with the degree of belonging and intimacy. Opening yourself in this way also means uncovering conflicts that can’t be glossed over. The desire for mutual acceptance builds healthy intimacy.
Building Blocks of Healthy Intimacy
Healthy intimacy is achieved when you consciously develop these qualities and commitments:
telling the truth with the Adult’s compassion
asking for what you want, even when it scares the Child
a willingness to listen with an open mind and accepting that you might be wrong
an agreement to speak up when hurt and a promise of tenderness in response
acknowledging the overreactions of your Protector and making meaningful amends
having the faith that you both will be okay even if one wants to separate
These are guidelines for exploring your own definition of intimacy. Even in the most solid of relationships, it takes courage to reach out and try again when you have felt betrayed. Intimate sharing feels like the last thing you should try for. This is why you need to strengthen your emotional resilience and self-reliance. Then you can trust yourself to stay openhearted when someone you care about disagrees or is angry with you.
Intimacy is strengthened every time differences are discussed and you take the risk to revisit difficult topics. The joy of steadfast intimacy comes after you have exposed deep truths and accept and understand each other.
Barriers to Intimacy
Anything that stops you from sharing freely about yourself creates a barrier to intimacy. Few of us were taught how powerful it can be simply to say what we feel and ask for what we want.
Children are too often expected to magically know the right thing to do or what is expected of them. Accusations are delivered in tirades of anger and sometimes accompanied with physical punishment. Such scenes are frequently followed with a message that this is done out of love for the child.
As children, we learn to bend to others’ needs and are not encouraged to ask for what we really want. Rather than speaking freely, we learn to hold back our truths, listening for clues about what others want to hear. Our real stories, with secrets both wonderful and awful, are hidden from others’ judgments by years of denial. Healthy intimacy is impossible in such a state.
Intimacy is sabotaged by self-doubt, leading us in these wrong directions:
enmeshment, which causes us to sacrifice our needs for people who are incapable of returning our respect
instant intimacy, which invites betrayal and reinforces the idea that something is wrong with us
idealizing others, which disguises low self-esteem as we rely on others to affirm our worth
Enmeshment Causes You to Sacrifice Yourself
Enmeshment is the complex of feelings and beliefs that causes you to stay in a situation to please someone else. Your needs become secondary to the survival of the relationship. One way into this trap is the conviction that you have to stay because the other person loves you and claims that life without you would be unthinkable. Another way is for the other person to persuade you that you couldn’t make it without him or her. A deal between you is made early in the relationship. The result is that you end up denying your own dreams and goals.
If this is your story, your Child self was taught to consider others first, even when you are miserable. You may feel ready to leave, but you cannot bear breaking the heart of another. It becomes impossible for you to leave a dead-end job because you are so worried that coworkers will be mad at you. You feel compelled to sacrifice your future to take care of aging parents who could fend for themselves. This is not the route to take to create an intimate relationship.
You may believe you love someone, but if you engage in the following behaviors, it means you have lost trust in the other person. Do you recognize any of these internal conflicts in an important relationship?
You complain to other people who aren’t involved, but you won’t talk to the person whose behaviors upset you.
You assume that asking for what you want will end in a fight, or it will embarrass you both.
You criticize each other, but you minimize or deny the problems when confronted.
You don’t know how to ask for closeness. It’s easier to say, “I’m sorry I said anything, rather than pursuing the issue.”
The thought of losing a relationship stops you from trying to improve it. “I ca
n’t get another divorce! It’s not always this bad. After all, he puts up with my moods.”
These examples show a lack of self-respect for your feelings and needs. Intimacy is impossible when you let someone else control the level of honesty in your relationship. The other person knows you’re afraid to insist on resolving conflicts because you’ve never carried out your threats to leave, get counseling, or pursue your dreams.
Eventually, you will realize that the other person has no investment in making changes. Perhaps you’ll see that he or she can’t. When you feel this hopeless, you know deep down that it would be in your best interest to separate. You are enmeshed if you think you need the other person’s permission to leave.
Needy partners often become abusive of those they depend on. It is their Protector’s efforts to hide fears of inadequacy. Abusive or demanding people must be in relationships with partners who believe they can’t leave them. Enmeshment meets their Child’s needs to be accepted, no matter what they do (Brown 2001). This important topic of loving those who hurt you is explored further in chapter 9.
“I Didn’t Believe I Could Take Care of Myself”
Gisela escaped her upper-class European background by going to India to do volunteer work and to study spiritual practices. She had never been taught to be self-supporting, only to be artistic and beautiful. Her fantasy was to find a clever and loving husband to care for the practical things.
She met Robert, an American who lived by his wits and who was very loving and intelligent. They married and settled in the United States, where they built a home and had two children. Gisela gladly let Robert manage her inherited money. He went to school but kept shifting careers, looking for one that stayed exciting. He loved the international scene and sought ventures that could be lucrative and meaningful. None made much money, but they gave him contacts with powerful people and the feeling of being important.
Every few years, Gisela tried to talk with Robert about changing to a life of simplicity and less expense. Their different values and her need for financial security were obvious, but he kept reassuring her that things were fine and that he was looking out for their future. He promised that the next deal would settle all their debts. “You just need to trust me. I love you and would never do anything to hurt you.” He would delight her with exciting stories of his travels and meetings.
For years, Robert’s confidence overpowered Gisela’s doubts. When a mortgage payment was missed, she decided to take a careful look at their financial papers, and it seemed to her that Robert wasn’t being realistic. She couldn’t bring up her lack of trust in him, however, because she feared he would leave and she’d be forced to raise their two children alone. She talked about their money problems with friends, who encouraged her to get financial advice and develop her skill in managing money. She began to study business and got a job. Robert reacted with disdain at what Gisela was learning.
After fifteen years of marriage, their debts were as big as their assets. Gisela insisted to Robert that they get financial counseling. Either he would work with her to turn their problems around, or she would divorce him. He refused. __ Gisela recalls this moment, “I took a stand, and for the first time I felt strong enough to separate.” Gisela’s lack of self-reliance and Robert’s denial of her ideas and needs had taken a toll on their intimacy.
Gisela saw a lawyer and made the necessary legal changes to protect her remaining assets. “I’m now free to do things as they make sense to me. I love Robert, but I couldn’t see him for who he was. I blindly trusted his competence and doubted my own. We were both children, living in dreams. Robert is still hoping for the next big deal, refusing to buy into my plans. I want to be a responsible adult and take care of myself in a way that is true to my values: simply, without debt, and joyfully, without fear. I see now that allowing myself to be overshadowed by a male authority against my own conviction was my biggest mistake.”
Instant Intimacy Invites Betrayal
People can suddenly jump into your life with such intensity that it overpowers all safe boundaries and your good sense. This heartfelt connection can last for a plane trip, one magical night, or an exhilarating month. The person plunges deep into your life and then leaps out, leaving you filled with a confusion of emotions and sometimes regrets. Common experiences of instant intimacy include
love at first sight, then realizing it was only infatuation
impulsive sex that later brings shame and possible dire consequences
using drugs and/or alcohol together, especially compulsively
deep sharing at spiritual gatherings, personal growth groups, or workshops
In these circumstances, it is easy to reveal and promise too much. You may find yourself wishing you could undo the whole thing. You may be afraid of losing control over your life. Deep down, you know the relationship can’t work and that you’ll soon be free. The Child in you craves the illusion of total acceptance. The Adult knows it is dangerous and temporary: relationships like these seldom last.
Those who search for a soul mate in bars or in online chat rooms are trying to hide their imperfect selves. The “hurry up and let’s get to the real stuff” avoids the torture of revealing your flaws. There is the desperate hope that sex and extraordinary efforts to please others will make them love you, despite your perceived imperfections. “Maybe you’ll want me if I prove how perfectly I can love you.”
If you are mentally naming your children on the second date, you can little afford to notice or want to comment on areas that scream of incompatibility. Intimacy demands the slow unfolding of your secrets and doesn’t thrive in casual relationships. You may feel hints of intimacy when someone tells you a painful story and lets you comfort his or her scared Child. However, the fear of commitment, of being swallowed up and controlled, brings an awkward end to momentary closeness.
Idealizing Others Hides Low Self-Worth
We’re all attracted to people who are physically attractive, talented, or powerful. They have such self-assurance. Our tendency is to invent entire stories about them, where we imbue them with fabulous characteristics. We believe that if someone extraordinary accepts us, it proves we’re okay. The feeling of bliss at this person’s acceptance is mistaken for intimacy: “I’ve never felt so good, so loved, so beautiful. This is the real thing.”
People who “come on strong”—whether lovers, new bosses, or clergy—present their ideas with enchanting self-confidence. Some even deliberately play to your insecure Child, who is ready to leap into their arms, cubicles, and pews, unable to see obvious risks. Intelligent women fall for “bad boys,” and insecure men are attracted to women who flirt and break hearts with abandon. Warnings are unheeded by the Child, who longs to eradicate long-held feelings of inadequacy.
Things seldom go the way you’d hope: the CEO runs away with the funds, the lover turns out to be married, and the minister is only human. The Protector then ridicules the Child’s pitiful fantasy. Although you feel good about yourself for a little while, idealizing others ultimately further erodes your self-respect.
“I Fell for the Flattery”
Sid worked for Betty, a CEO renowned for her personal power and brilliance. This was his first professional job, and he worked hard, giving extra attention to her pet projects. He was thrilled when Betty picked him as her personal assistant. She praised him for his 24/7 attitude and put down other workers for their lack of ambition. Soon enough, though, Betty found little things to criticize, even when he did well: “You’re too bright for a mere A. Work for the A+.” She shared private aspects of her life, invited him to her home, and talked about her problems. He quickly learned that she loved being told how fabulous she was and that nothing was ever her fault.
Sid worked extra hours without pay to meet her standards. Friends and coworkers warned that Betty was using him, but he insisted he was learning a lot. Sid’s health suffered and his anxiety increased. Betty graded him a “moderate” evaluation, saying she knew he could do bett
er in his time management.
One day, Sid was in a car accident that put him in bed with a shattered leg. When he was released from the hospital, Betty came to his house with an armload of files. “I know you would go crazy not being useful, and besides, we have a deadline.” Sid worked to complete the tasks, despite being in constant pain. Betty blew up at him when he was a day late with a report.
This devastated him. Then he realized it felt familiar, and the insight came to him that he was trying to get the praise from Betty that he never got from his parents. They criticized his Bs and never praised his As: “You can do better. Don’t be a quitter. Don’t complain that the work is hard.” They never talked about the difference between “hard” and “abusive.” This longing for acceptance also caused him to stay in romantic relationships too long, turning himself into an emotional pretzel to make someone love him. He didn’t stop to ask how he honestly felt about his boss or a girlfriend. He was the one who had to prove himself.
It took this extreme episode to see Betty as someone who used people for her own goals. Sid no longer believed she would acknowledge him, and he quit trying to prove to her that he was worthy. This allowed him to stop feeling one-down to her opinions and demands. He stood up to her, demanding a bonus for what he’d accomplished, took two weeks off with pay, and told her it wasn’t okay to yell at him. He felt great. Betty turned her charms on another victim when she saw she could no longer control Sid. __ He resigned soon after, without anger or fear. “I learned more from this job than I thought! My Child has been ‘not good enough’ for too long.”
Only you can challenge the Child’s fear that you’ll never be good enough. Believe in yourself, or you will always need others to determine your self-worth.
The Courage to Trust Page 5