unintended and misinterpreted actions
impulsive and thoughtless acts
deliberate deceit and acts of revenge
Passive Dishonesty and Avoiding Conflict
If you think people will get mad if you’re honest, you may withhold how you feel. Withholding is as damaging to trust as deliberate betrayal. Not stating your needs is a passive form of dishonesty.
We tell ourselves we can’t bear to bring up a difficult subject with another. This leads to acting out in hurtful ways. Do any of the following behaviors feel familiar?
claiming to be “just teasing,” when you bring up a sensitive subject in an offhand way
responding to a request with resentful sarcasm, then insisting you didn’t mean anything
trespassing personal boundaries, like reading mail because you “have a right to know”
lying by omission, justified because you don’t want to make the other person angry
trying to get what you want by dropping hints
announcing what someone is feeling without proof: “I know you’re angry.”
Sometimes a “white lie” pops out. This is the Protector keeping the Child from getting in trouble. Your Adult needs to admit your responsibility as soon as it’s aware of the deceit. It takes courage to tell the whole story. The betrayal becomes deliberate when, to hide your feelings, you claim someone is being too sensitive. To avoid confrontation, you make someone else suffer in uncertainty. The betrayal often happens so fast, no one is sure what is real.
“What Was I Supposed to Say?”
Bill and Connie were curled up on the couch, relaxed and loving as they celebrated their tenth wedding anniversary. Bill was talking about how they had changed. He chuckled and patted Connie’s leg, saying, “I get three more pounds every year of my wife to love.”
A pain exploded in Connie’s chest. All the loving energy vanished as she leapt from the couch. She told herself he couldn’t be so insensitive if he really loved her. Connie’s eyes went big with disbelief. “I’ve carried your three children and developed thyroid problems as a result. All you notice is how fat I am?”
“I can’t believe I married you,” she continued. “You’re a selfish monster! You’ve done this one too many times. How could I ever think you loved me?”
Bill sat upright on the couch. “What’s wrong? I didn’t mean anything by that. I was just teasing. You’re always complaining about your weight, and you know I don’t mind!”
Connie saw before her a liar or a stranger. Bill couldn’t pretend he didn’t know his words would hurt her. She burst into tears and Bill got up and held her. He told her how sorry he was. She pretended to accept his apology for “teasing.” Both acted contrite and tried to make the best of the evening.
Bill’s use of sarcasm ruined his chance to talk about his real concerns about Connie’s weight and health. By pretending it was just a misunderstanding, Connie didn’t have to confront Bill’s unhappiness with her size. These two need to become more honest, and Connie has to face any feelings she has about her weight, or the memory of the event will fester and explode again.
Self-Discovery Exercise: Are You Passively Dishonest?
This is a chance to review your style of dealing with sensitive issues. Be gentle with yourself as you acknowledge the ways you may not be honest with others.
In your journal:
Writing down your responses helps to highlight a pattern of passive dishonesty. Consider the following questions, noting the people you have treated in each way. Ask yourself why you might do this. Make a note about how the Child and Protector influence each one.
Do you use teasing or sarcasm rather than saying what is bothering you?
Do you overrehearse before asking for something, as if preparing for rejection?
When you are upset with someone’s habits, do you drop hints rather than asking for change?
Do you complain about friends, a boss, or partner, but you wouldn’t dare to talk directly to them?
Do you blame others’ moods for your unwillingness to confront conflicts?
Do you hide your “guilty pleasures” (shopping, reading magazines, computer games) believing your partner makes you feel like a naughty child?
Have you recently denied or hidden a binge, a mistake, or a feeling of being ashamed?
Recall earlier times as you write the names of the people you have hurt and betrayed and recognize which of your selves are involved. Were these behaviors how you experienced freedom when you were a child? Did you observe these patterns in your family, and now they’ve become habits that you’d like to change? Note any thoughts arising from your Adult about how you could change them and where you might want to start.
Unintended and Misinterpreted Actions
We’ve all had the experience of hurting someone when we meant no harm. In an instant, a relationship can change from friendship to being mere acquaintances. Those who are hurt can be so distrustful that they may not feel safe to talk it over. Yet very few people can brush off a friend or loved one’s anger. We want those we’ve hurt to know we take them seriously, even if we feel they’re being unfair or extreme in their reaction.
Protesting your innocence can lead to blame instead of understanding. The following self-discovery exercise will help you track your responses to this awkward experience.
Self-Discovery Exercise: How Do You React When You Are Accused?
This exercise will help expose your reactions when someone has accused you of being insensitive. Read the following scenario and answer the questions at the end as if you were the person in this situation:
Your friend lost his job six months ago due to downsizing, and unemployment compensation is not covering his bills. You have a good job and can afford to help. He is afraid of losing his car and accepts your offer to cover the monthly payments. You mean it when you tell him not to worry about paying it back until he is working again. When a mutual friend expresses concern about your friend’s situation, you tell him about the loan.
Your friend learns about the conversation and leaves an angry message on your answering machine. He accuses you of betraying his trust and making him look pitiful. He has not shared his financial stress with anyone except you, “and now everyone knows I’m a loser!” He promises to seek a high-interest loan to pay you back.
In your journal:
Writing down your responses will help you get clear about your feelings. Imagine you experienced this incident, or perhaps recall a real experience when told you were indiscreet.
How does your body react upon hearing about your friend’s anger at this felt betrayal?
What does your own hurt Child feel?
How does your Protector respond to your friend’s accusations?
Consider the situation from your friend’s point of view. How would you justify the hurt and sense of betrayal?
Impulsive and Thoughtless Acts
Impulsive actions spring from the Child’s exuberance. They are also the Protector’s way of avoiding trouble. You feel foolish upon being found out and want to believe you will never do it again. This may reveal a compulsion that won’t be easy to quit.
Here is a simple rule to test if you have been acting from childish motives. Ask yourself, “How would I feel if someone at the same level of intimacy did to me what I am doing to them?” Familiar examples include
flattering someone’s appearance, then making a little joke about it behind the person’s back
forgetting or not attending an important event, then telling a white lie to cover up
looking into someone’s bathroom cabinet, trying perfumes or examining the medications
letting sexual energy go too far while dancing with a friend’s spouse
passing along gossip about someone you know, then worrying your friend will find out
using someone’s property without asking, then saying “I thought it was okay”
These examples point to the Child’s natural curiosity and desire t
o be special. Continuing this behavior will undermine your self-trust. It becomes a deliberate betrayal once you acknowledge that it isn’t as harmless as you’d told yourself. Expanding your self-confidence will help you restrain these impulses and instill the pride of being a trustworthy adult.
Deliberate Deceit and Acts of Revenge
Anyone under enough stress can be susceptible to acting against his or her own morals and rules. Once it happens, the Child can become terrified of disaster. The Protector engages in lies and cover-ups, and acts out increasingly complicated forms of betrayal to appease the Child.
Your Adult self may not register what you are doing until you are caught. The Adult awakens to the chaos with the question, “How could I have done that?”
What Causes Us to Betray Others?
People with deep unmet needs for belonging often seek revenge on those who hurt them. Rejection or disrespect can push them over the edge. The power of these impulses reveals how profoundly they are split inside. The Child and Protector are in control when
A minor betrayal gives you permission to hurt someone back even more.
Feeling abandoned justifies repeated calls to hear an ex-lover’s voice and then hanging up.
Stalking counters the agony of jealousy.
The influence of drugs or alcohol helps rationalize impetuous acts.
The Adult has failed to control the inner rage and desperation. The underlying reasons for betrayal reveal the insecurity of the Child. Betrayal that stems from a desire for revenge is the work of the Protector.
Deceit is the last straw for many relationships. Deceit can also be the ultimate cry for help in the case of addiction or other compulsive behavior. The absence of a healthy Adult leaves the Child to repeat the behavior until stopped. There seems no way out of this cycle.
The antidote for this level of acting out is a complete examination of your personal life and choices. This is followed by climbing out of self-hate and despair, and coping with guilt. It takes immense courage, as you will see in the story below.
“Deceiving Myself Betrayed Others”
Lana had been in a committed partnership with Nora for ten years when she registered for graduate school. Lana’s student loans and fewer work hours created a financial strain, but Nora was willing to work overtime and reduce expenses, even vacations and eating out, in order to support the two of them. After the first semester, Nora found a credit card statement in Lana’s name while recycling office papers. It was addressed to a private post office box; the bill had reached the credit limit of $5,000. Nora confronted Lana with the statement, comparing this secrecy to infidelity. Lana reacted angrily. “I’ll pay it off when I get my degree. I can’t live under the pressure of feeling so poor!”
Lana insisted she was justified in this small freedom. Nora couldn’t believe Lana didn’t understand it was a betrayal of their trust. When Nora demanded that she cut up the credit card, Lana began to sob. This level of distress worried them, and Lana agreed to meet alone with a therapist.
There she admitted that she spent the money on frivolous things, “but without it, I’d feel trapped. It makes me feel safe.” Lana described a childhood of neglect. “My mother was depressed and on heavy medication. I was left crying for hours in my crib and my five-year-old brother fed me peanut butter and applesauce. My mother died when I was thirteen. I’ve worked for years on forgiving my parents for not taking care of me.”
What Lana hadn’t yet explored was her inability to trust anyone. Lana had learned too early she couldn’t count on others to meet her needs. As a young girl, she hid candy and took loose change from her father’s dresser to buy more. Lana became a compulsive overeater, then managed her weight in adolescence with bulimia and starving. She later traded this compulsion for alcohol and drugs, managing to avoid severe addiction.
As a young adult, she reveled in living on her own, including spending money with abandon. This gave her a sense of fullness. “I’d sometimes buy things for the thrill, returning them the next day.” She let bills go unpaid and avoided collection agencies by moving. Lana borrowed money from family members and ignored the debts. “They all have more than I do.”
In therapy, Lana acknowledged the old resentments she still carried. She linked her early neglect with the need to meet emotional needs in any way she could. Lana’s Child self had learned to equate security with meeting every whim, without regarding the consequences. She was shocked at her denial over the credit card issue. “How could I not have seen that I betrayed Nora?” The resulting guilt and shame was forcing a change.
This breakdown in denial gave her incentive to address her betrayal of others. She made a list of all her debts and was stunned to find it amounted to over $15,000. Her first act of trust was to tell her partner the whole story and reveal the list. With Nora’s understanding and support, she contacted each member of her family, citing plans to repay them. Her sister was delighted and told her how much her honesty meant. Her brother forgave the debt; he was just glad to be in contact again. Lana realized how her denial and resentment had prevented her from being close with them. “I can’t believe how long this has been eating at my ability to trust myself and others. It’s worth everything it costs to repay it all.” She cut up the credit card. “This time I loved doing it! I felt free.”
Deep fears and unmet needs often are at the root of compulsive sexual infidelity, addictive spending, and secret abuse of drugs or alcohol. Other people may focus on why you continue to break your promises, not understanding the compulsion isn’t about hurting them. Lying is the deliberate betrayal. Intimacy and trust can never be built on active dishonesty.
When You Are Ready to Heal
It’s freeing to acknowledge when we have betrayed others and want to stop. However, many cling to a conviction that they did a bad thing, which must prove they are unlovable. This is called shame. Shame prevents us from opening our hearts to those we’ve hurt. It keeps us from learning from our mistakes and imprisons us in despair. We remain helpless when we believe that our past defines us.
The first step in healing these patterns is to acknowledge that you have a problem and want to stop. The next step is to seek help from self-help groups or professionals who will treat you with compassion and give solid support.
You can do a great deal of the healing before facing anyone you have wronged. That choice comes later, when you are strong enough to hear their story. Everyone bears some guilt and regrets. It is proof that you are merely human, not evidence that you are a bad person pretending to be good.
This next section has ideas about how you can move beyond guilt and shame and increase your trustworthiness along the way. These methods can move you out of the darkness of shame into honesty with yourself and others.
Undoing the Damage
Your self-worth should not be measured only by how often you have broken a trust or betrayed those you love. Real self-worth increases when you learn from your mistakes and give tender regard to others who feel betrayed by you. It matters less what form of betrayal it is than how well you handle the aftermath of confusion and hurt. Careless and unintentional actions often will appear deliberate until you explain and try to understand the effect your lapse has had on the other person.
By supporting others in their healing after you’ve hurt them, you will reduce your own guilt and increase the chances of regaining lost trust. Here are some suggestions on how to assist others in regaining their self-trust. They are accompanied by self-discovery exercises to increase your empathy and empower your Adult.
Accept Others’ Need for Space
People who feel betrayed often need to break off contact for a time. Your Child desperately wants to apologize and quickly explain away the problem. The panic you feel is about whether you’ll be reinstated into the circles of belonging again. Healthy guilt can drive you to seek self-awareness and guidance from others. Shame makes you so self-absorbed that you may ignore important boundaries, such as by constantly e-ma
iling or calling. The best rule is to give the other person the time off that he or she requests.
Basic Rules for Giving Time
Those who have been hurt need to be in control. Arrange with them whatever time they need to wait until it feels safe to talk again. They may need to avoid you for a day or much longer. Saying they are “being unfair” will only add weight to the betrayal. Your need to be understood is less important than their right to feel safe.
The compulsion to give excuses comes from the Protector. Your Adult needs to take responsibility for your actions. Use the second foundation skill, Finding Out What You Want (see chapter 4), to discover what you want, to calm your younger self, and to acknowledge the fact that you’ve been rejected.
Self-Discovery Exercise: Establishing a “Safety Zone”
We must each find our own way to cope before we can discuss what happened. The ones who feel betrayed need a “safety zone” to restore confidence to speak from their Adult selves. The ones who feel guilty can use this time to regain honesty with themselves and to prepare to listen without becoming defensive.
This exercise focuses on your own experience of needing space after being hurt. Each of us has different needs, and you can build empathy by exploring what works for you. Set aside about thirty minutes. There are examples after each step, so read through the entire exercise before starting.
In your journal:
Step 1. Recall a few events over the years where you felt betrayed or your boundaries were invaded. Include any events you remember, regardless of magnitude. Note a name and quick phrase to remind you of each one. Recall whether you wanted to talk immediately afterward, or the number of days before you knew what you wanted to say. How long do you wish you had waited and why?
Example 1: R borrowed my car, returned it late, trashed and on empty. R wanted to talk, but I was too angry and waited three days while I self-righteously cleaned it myself. It was too many days, because R wanted to make it right. The car is just a possession, and both our childish behaviors compromised the friendship. My Protector didn’t want to listen to R’s excuses.
The Courage to Trust Page 8