__ I am always apologizing. I include the receipt with a gift in case they don’t like it.
__ I feel uncomfortable having people see my home. I think they’ll judge me.
__ I often wake up feeling anxious. This can last all day, and I don’t always know why.
__ I worry about what other people are thinking about me. I review innocent interactions, and I search for how I might have been insensitive or stupid.
__ I feel like a frightened child when anyone is angry with me, and I want to throw a tantrum.
__ I’m a doormat. I always do more than my share. I smile, but secretly I feel resentful.
__ I can’t seem to find time for myself. I help and worry about others but have no time for exercise or rest.
__ I believe that most people are better than I am. A master craftsman takes years to perfect his or her talent, and I think I should be terrific after a weekend class, so I don’t continue.
__ I admire others’ efforts more than my own. I never measure up. I’m not sure why.
__ I worry about being selfish. This stops me from scheduling time alone or for fun.
__ I hate to ask for help or to bother people. I should be able to do everything myself.
__ Compliments make me uncomfortable. I minimize my part, or I credit others when I am praised.
Scoring: Add the numbers. The total measures your degree of unhealthy guilt and enmeshment, which clouds your ability to tend to your own needs.
0 to 10_You are remarkably calm and unaware of others’ problems. It’s possible you are a little too oblivious, maybe not doing your share. Compare your answers with those of a friend or family member.
11 to 25_Congratulations! You are aware of others but question the need and consequences before leaping to help.
26 to 40_Ask yourself how much you automatically do for others, and how much that costs you in terms of time for self-care.
41 to 65_You may want to seek help in lowering your sense of responsibility.
Low Self-Esteem Appearing as Self-Doubt
Healthy self-esteem celebrates the person you are becoming, as well as who you are right now. Low self-esteem reveals self-doubt. Some people who suffer from low self-esteem need to explain or apologize for every action, and others hide self-doubt with bravado and insults. Both types of people are dependent on praise because they don’t know if they are doing well.
The next questionnaire will help you measure your view of yourself as a worthy person who has the right to feel confident about your own ideas. It offers some clues about to how to treat yourself with greater respect.
Self-Discovery Questionnaire: Self-Esteem vs. Approval from Others
Part 1. The following statements reflect how you feel about your current direction in life. Use a scale of 0 (”not me”) to 5 (”me”) to measure how much you identify with each one. You can break them down into smaller bites if necessary. For example, in the statement about important relationships, your life partner might get a 5, but your best friend who isn’t so loyal these days would only rate a 2.
__ I embrace my daily habits and disciplines because they encourage my best self.
__ I like how I look. I don’t need to apologize if my car, house, or desk isn’t neat.
__ My most important relationships are loyal, healthy, and supportive.
__ I feel confident that I am or will be successful in my chosen work.
__ I like who I am and who I am becoming.
__ I feel in charge of the current direction of my life.
__ I consciously work on specific areas of self-improvement with a positive attitude.
__ When I ask myself, “What do I want?” I am open to all feelings and sure of my answer.
Part 2. These statements reflect how much you rely on others’ approval versus your own. Use a scale of 0 (”not me”) to 5 (”me”) to measure how much you identify with each one. Acknowledge any progress you have made over the past few years.
__ I depend on others’ opinions and hate to make big decisions without lots of help.
__ I quiet negative self-talk by overusing alcohol, junk food, TV, or computer games.
__ I look for quick fixes to big problems by looking in magazines or asking the advice of casual acquaintances.
__ I do what professionals, family, or friends advise, even if it doesn’t feel right to me.
__ I copy the food choices, habits, and lifestyle of a new lover or new friend, even if I didn’t like these things before. My schedule becomes whatever my friend’s or lover’s schedule is.
__ I sometimes feel ashamed of my physical appearance.
__ People would reject me if they knew who I really am and how worthless I feel.
__ I deny or don’t know my feelings and opinions much of the time.
Scoring: Add the numbers from the first part, and then subtract the total from the second part. High numbers show more self-reliance. Instead of using the numbers to berate yourself, complete the questionnaire again when you finish this book and six months later. The questions should encourage you to build your self-trust and not criticize your life choices.
Self-Destructive Habits
We all seek comfort from the stress and hurts of life. Being good to yourself means treating yourself kindly, comforting yourself in ways that show self-love and self-esteem. Healthy comforts and rewards promote self-confidence and self-trust.
Your life isn’t working when emotional pain and stress seem constant. The Adult thought is to seek self-improvement. Unfortunately, the idea of making necessary changes can feel overwhelming to the Child. Fear and frustration bring out the Protector, who wants to stop your pain. The Child and Protector don’t have the capacity for long-range planning. The Adult is outvoted and succumbs to feeling that the anguish may never diminish and that next week is a better time to work on a plan.
Social habits such as smoking and overeating bring shame because others can witness this self-abusive cycle. Staying in abusive relationships reveals that we are weak, and shame is added to the feelings of being unworthy.
Hidden addictions are even more destructive to self-confidence. Drinking heavily, sexually dangerous liaisons, and overuse of medications may start out as self-comfort but lead to greater pain.
We know this and yet may continue to betray ourselves. The Protector has taken control and seems bent on self-destruction. It will resist change unless there is enough support for the Child. The Adult can give that support, especially with help from others. Acknowledging the shame and fear makes it possible for your Adult to take the small steps that lead to positive changes.
For Those Who Feel Stuck in Self-Betrayal
Many forms of addiction and compulsion can’t be overcome by you alone. You are not weak, nor are you as alone as you feel. If you feel unable to escape the torment of self-betrayal, turn to a trusted friend or seek support from a professional.
Ask yourself if you are ready to leave the shame behind. Then call someone you believe you can trust and ask this person to support you. The beginning is that simple.
Ending the Cycle of Self-Betrayal
Whatever your personal issues, you are not as trapped as you may feel. Other people have overcome the forms of self-betrayal discussed in this chapter, have moved past their self-hate and fear, and have learned to trust themselves again. Most have developed deep faith along the way and found the joy of healthy relationships.
This book is here to support you on your journey toward self-love and confidence. Seek out the people and resources you need for guidance to continue on this path. Although you needn’t go it alone, it’s your job to plan what you want to achieve and how to get where you want to go. You can do this by considering what you are ready to change and what you want to achieve. There is great power in writing down your desired goals, even if you can’t act on them instantly.
Consider what you think you are ready to change and what you want to achieve. There is great power in acknowledging a desire to c
hange without the need to do it instantly. In chapter 10, there will be more tools to encourage self-trust.
This next exercise will warm up your mental engines and let your Child and Protector hear about any changes your Adult wants to embrace.
Self-Discovery Exercise: What Have You Already Changed? What Is Next?
This exercise encourages you to learn from your successes. It takes about thirty minutes and will give you a taste of setting positive goals without demanding that you achieve them immediately. Thinking about the challenges you’ve faced and the results you’ve achieved will remind you of how powerful you really are.
In your journal:
Step 1. Write down a list of positive changes you’ve made where you overcame a fear of failure or hardship. Examples: Quitting an unhealthy habit, completing training or college, moving somewhere alone, ending an enmeshed relationship, or working for a promotion.
Step 2. Choose one of these changes and note the details of your victory. Include fears, challenges, who supported you, and the results. Pay attention to what seemed like divine intervention and the lessons you learned. It doesn’t need to be long, as you can see from the following example. Celebrate your ability to succeed.
Example: I quit smoking pot after ten years of daily use. I had tried to quit or slow down many times before, but always fell back into it. Then I got pneumonia, and I had to quit when I was in the hospital. I saw a hypnotherapist twice after I was discharged, which helped. I called friends who had quit drinking through AA. They told me their stories and gave advice that helped me a lot. One result is I am healthy, but the best part is feeling free of compulsion and self-hate. I see I can ask for support from other people to face scary challenges.
Step 3. Let the Adult, self-loving part of you write down a small positive change that you want to make. Write down the fears and resistance that the Child and Protector bring up. Note what you have done so far to try make this change, what could be the next step, and the results you hope to attain.
Example: I really want to meditate for twenty minutes a day. My Child says I can’t sit still that long. My Protector points out that I don’t exercise or write in my journal enough already and that meditating is just one more thing that I’ll fail to do. The truth is I do sit quietly a couple times for a few minutes during the week, but it’s not enough to feel more peaceful, which is the result I want. I have a couple of meditation CDs I could put in the stereo and just listen to. It doesn’t have to be in the morning. I may ask my roommate to join me. I could ask a friend who meditates if we could sit together the next time she visits. I know she’d like that.
Repeat this exercise for as many issues as you like. Thinking about what you should do can feed self-hate, but putting it on paper acts as encouragement. Add to steps 1 and 2 as you think of old demons you’ve conquered and to step 3 with new ideas you’d like to explore. The purpose of this exercise is to open your heart to possibilities without expectation. In this way, you’ll begin to become more the person you’d like to become and avoid the backlash of seeking comfort in unhealthy ways.
Refusing to betray yourself is as simple as holding tight to what is true and letting go of anything and anyone who discourages your efforts to succeed.
Preparing for the Next Chapter
Self-trust, faith in a positive future, and trusting others are the building blocks of the pattern of trust you use in making decisions about your life. This next chapter will help you see how well your pattern is working for you, and what you may want to change.
Chapter 7
Finding Your Trust Pattern
Can I free myself from the limits of my past?
It’s natural to be thrown off balance when you think you’re being betrayed or rejected. Your unique pattern of trust dictates how your mind and body initially react to such situations. This pattern is composed of the thoughts, feelings, and behavior uncontrolled by your thinking, Adult, self.
Your original pattern was produced in childhood, but your past doesn’t have ultimate control over how you respond to conflict and betrayal in the present. If your current pattern of trust is working for you, that’s great. If not, this chapter will help you to design and practice new ways to respond when trust feels uncertain.
What Is a Healthy Pattern of Trust?
A healthy pattern of trust results from a decision to strengthen trust in yourself and others while confirming your faith in a positive future. A healthy pattern of trust allows you to do the following:
Acknowledge the emotions and physical reactions of the Child and Protector.
Consider possible stories that reduce the likelihood of betrayal.
Notice all thoughts that arise without judging or acting on them.
Create thoughtful responses designed to reach a desired goal.
Take action to resolve problems, relying on the compassion and wisdom of your Adult.
Be open to a positive outcome.
Uncomfortable feelings that come from the Child and Protector shouldn’t be ignored, nor should they be automatically acted upon. Problems arise when you attempt to deny or act on one of your feelings to the exclusion of the others, or when you become stuck in one element of a story.
A healthy pattern of trust requires you to acknowledge all of your thoughts and feelings as they arise. You also need to deliberately ask yourself questions to put the Adult back in charge. There is no magical order to the questions. What is important is that you keep the questions coming, helping to bring hidden feelings and beliefs to the surface.
The two trust foundation skills, The Trust Check-In (see chapter 2) and Finding Out What You Want (see chapter 4) use the responses from your Child and Protector to acknowledge your pain and move toward resolution. The following exercise will introduce you to a healthy pattern of trust and help you explore how your own pattern of trust operates.
Self-Discovery Exercise: What Is Your Current Pattern of Trust?
As you read through the following story, put yourself into the father’s position. Notice how his thoughts move from an involuntary loss of self-confidence to a conscious choice to think about how to create a positive future. This exemplifies a healthy pattern of trust.
John is a single father who arranged for his only son, Jesse, to have a credit card for emergencies and necessary expenses while at college. It had a low credit line, which the company raised without consulting John. Jesse knew about it. John opened the bill after spring break and sat down hard. Jesse had charged a thousand dollars for a skiing vacation. Jesse missed their regular Saturday morning telephone call, and John thinks he knows why.
Here is the series of feelings and thoughts that John had. You can recognize all the elements of a healthy pattern of trust:
Self-doubt: “I was wrong to trust him. How could I have been so stupid?”
Sadness, hurt: “I’ve been mother and father to Jim. How could he do this to me? To us?”
Anger, criticism: “He’s an ingrate and a coward. He didn’t even call.”
Personalization: “Maybe he doesn’t love me or respect me any more. I’m a fool.”
Uncertainty about the future: “I can’t act like this didn’t happen. What do I do now?”
Resentment: “If that is all I mean, then no more credit card. He gets a job.”
Concern for the other: “I bet he’s plenty scared about this. He’s afraid to call me.”
Minimizing: “Maybe I’ve blown it out of proportion, but I’m not talking until he apologizes.”
Choosing to trust: “He made a mistake, but it’ll be a good lesson. I’m his dad and I’ll call him.”
In your journal:
To further explore your current pattern of trust, think of a time when you overreacted to a felt betrayal. Using John’s pattern as a template, write down the thoughts and feelings that came up for you then. Notice the stages where you tended to get stuck and which stages you avoided. Owning up to the petty and irrational reactions that flicker through your mind
will free you from them more quickly than denying or minimizing them.
Once you name your automatic reactions, you can then invite hidden feelings and thoughts by expressing the entire range of emotions. To do this, review your first set of responses and fill in any places you initially left blank with a few words.
The Three Types of Trust
The three types of trust—self-trust, faith in a positive future, and trust in others—form the foundation of your pattern of trust.
All three types are operating all the time, whether you are aware of them or not. As an example, if your trust in another is broken by a betrayal, you can feel self-confident that you’ll manage to handle your flood of emotions. At the same time that you are feeling anxious about events that are immediately ahead, you can have faith that good will come from this for both of you.
A weakness in any of the three types of trust determines where you tend get stuck. If you are not very trusting of yourself or have little faith in a positive outcome, you may experience excessive doubt or fear. A lack of trust in others can result in the need to assign blame or the fear that they will blame you.
Thoughts and stories float through our minds without our asking. Many of us believe our responses are inferior to other people's. We keep our patterns of trust secret in an effort to appear normal and be accepted.
“I’ve Been Fooling Everyone”
Joan was invited by her pastor to study for the lay ministry. The pastor was surprised when she left a brief note saying she couldn’t accept. He called her twice before she would agree to meet. The conversation began by Joan bursting into tears. “I don’t deserve it,” she explained. “I’m not good enough. I have terrible thoughts about other parishioners. I'm angry sometimes. I've fooled you into thinking I was a good person. God can't love me, and no one should.”
Her pastor responded with compassion. “I have those same thoughts. Don’t you know that everyone has unkind thoughts? It’s because you work so hard to overcome them that I want you to help me serve the congregation. All I could ever ask of you is to keep working toward being a good person. You do that more than anyone I know.”
The Courage to Trust Page 10