by Elena Monroe
“You ran out of there pretty quick…” I almost thought I was hallucinating when I heard Birdy’s voice give me tingles.
“Done coming I assume?” I shot back feeling defensive and vulnerable all at the same time.
Birdy circled me, her ass landing against my crotch, swaying to the music like her stunt earlier wasn’t enough to send the dare devil in me off a cliff at 120 mph.
She wasn’t in her shorts or bikini anymore, no, this shirt I recognized with my own cologne wafting me in the face. My shirt, yep, mine.
“Did you come?” She whispered back, grinding her ass into me when my hands guided her hips to stop moving. The shirt rode up her legs and ass showing me how much she had underneath - nothing.
“I’m a tea kettle honey, I need to be warmed up.” I said it indirectly, but it caught her ear when her hands held mine to her hips.
Abort.
Abort.
She was dancing effortlessly to the music, no control left after the Molly took its place, whispering into the night air, “That’s what I’m doing. Rubbing the surface so the genie comes out…”
Biting my knuckles, I turned my face upwards swearing under my breath. This girl was killing me and yet I didn’t want it to stop.
I’ll just die here.
Saved by my tacky ringtone, I fished out my phone stuck between the underwear band and my hip, where I normally put it without any pants. What a poor choice with this one loose enough to take a dare and mean it.
Baby Shark poured between us clashing against the Chainsmokers when I answered, putting it to my ear being louder than normal- this was my exit.
“Hey sis, what’s up? Not really a good time…” I squeezed the phone to my ear when Birdy fell down to the grass laughing so hard I thought she would combust into pure stardust. Bending at the waist I yanked my shirt down on her body making sure it covered all the areas I wasn’t allowed to touch when I noticed the moisture leaking from her lashes from laughing.
“It’s never a good time, Khaos. I can tell by the constant party you have at that frat house of yours… oops sorority.” My youngest sister Harmony was what you would call a nightmare, but she looked like a daydream.
Birdy was clutching her stomach and dying while I held my shirt down on her thighs. “I’m gonna ignore you said that because I don’t want to have to give you the silent treatment any longer. I shouldn’t even be talking to you, but I was curious if this was an apology tour.”
My sister groaned into the phone knowing I wasn’t playing. I hadn’t talked to her at the last two Sunday brunches my mom forced us to attend (not really forced, I lived for them) and I took my vows of silence pretty seriously.
She needed to miss me and look who ended up calling first? Her.
“You’re such an asshole, you know that right? Jameson proposed and you were the first one I wanted to call.” The pause that came after felt heavy.
Harmony, Destiny, Nirvana, Serenity, and Rhapsody all had normal lives with normal aspirations. They weren’t the first born male so they got out of the arranged marriage and all of the bullshit that came with it.
Harmony, my youngest sister, was only 18 and in her first year of college in Utah but still came home on Sundays. That was the type she was. There wasn’t much room for me to critique her decisions when she had a point - it was never a good time for me.
Didn’t stop me from feeling a type of way at how they turned out so normal in the love department while I avoided it at all cost.
Fucking Voldemort.
I was holding Birdy’s knees together in my best attempt to keep her covered while still holding the phone firmly between my shoulder and ear.
“That’s great, Harmony.” I tried to sound happy instead of bitter or doubtful the way I really did when Birdy reached for the phone shouting get your own genie. “It’s really not the best time right now, I’m with someone...” I didn’t even wait for a standard goodbye when Birdy pulled me down to the grass, as I was still trying to salvage covering her pussy.
She was looking at the sky with so much good intention I wondered if flying was her greatest desire. She’d blend right in up there.
I noticed I was staring again when I shifted my gaze at the sky along with her only sitting up enough to snatch my solo cup I had set down in the grass amongst the chaos around us.
“Fuck, marry, kill. Your mom, sister, grandma. Go,” her voice was casual with not a hint of the giggles.
Spitting out all the liquid, I looked at her too shocked for it to be called that. Running the back of my hand over my lips I wiped away all the alcohol, “What did you say?”
“You heard me,” her bent knees together, I laid back down against the full grass.
“This is so fucked up... Marry my mom, fuck my gram cracker because she probably hasn’t had any dick since gran pants died, and kill all my sisters. They can’t know and I can’t risk them finding out.”
Crawling into the nook of my arm, I let myself hold her against me while she molded to me like a shadow.
“What about you?”
Closing her eyes, she got comfortable, “I don’t have those.”
My hand on her back, my fingers mindlessly drew pictures, “Tired?”
Molly wasn’t an easy escalator down. Molly dropped you on your ass and left you with only the best memories so you’d come back for round two.
Shaking her head and pouting she whimpered, “I wanna sleep in a real bed. Right here.”
I let her fall asleep against me while I looked at the sky wondering if the feeling of flying wasn’t having wings but letting other parts of you soar.
Like my dead, broken, heart.
Ears walked by when he noticed Birdy sleeping with my shirt barely covering her ass. “What in the actual fuck. I’m scared for life now.”
Her oddball friend in the loud pastel colors and backwards caps was always saying how fucked he was. It made me wonder what he meant, peaking all my curiosity.
“She’s on Molly so I’m gonna have her stay. More than welcome to crash on the couch, bro.”
Shifting carefully, I scooped her up into my arms and tried to keep her covered as I headed inside. Kennedy rushed to my side tugging the shirt down and helping me to open the door.
“Just tell me when we’re getting rid of the extra baggage…” Kennedy almost sounded joyed following me up the stairs.
“What are you talking about?” I snapped still climbing to the third floor where my room resided.
“You went past the bunks already. I take it she’s sleeping in your bedroom. Admit it, she’s different.” She smirked, twisting the knob and pushing my door open when I ignored her.
Carefully placing Birdy down on top of my bed I ripped off the blanket from the end to cover her legs when she got comfortable all over again. It didn’t matter if she slept or was kneeling in front of my dick - I was interested in her.
Closing the door almost all the way I forced Kennedy out of the doorway, “I’ll keep your secret… this could be good for you.” She pinched my nipple like it was endearing when it wasn’t.
Okay, maybe it was kind of endearing.
She sauntered away, almost skipping, all too happy to read me like a book the way I did other people. I was the product of a happy marriage with a healthy sex life that we all knew existed too well. Yet, I couldn’t get out of my own damn way when it came to the possibility of real love.
I waited for Kennedy to be out of sight before slipping back inside like Birdy’s effect on me was a secret.
It was obvious, blunt, and consuming - the way I waited for since I took myself out of commission.
GRACE
When you make bad decisions normally there’s some kind of fall out. Guilt, remorse, a change, or even pain- but what are you supposed to feel when your bad behavior was stamped approved at the top?
Probably a feeling similar to the overwhelming comfort I felt when my eyes peeled open and I found myself snuggled up against Khaos. All of tha
t comfort dissolved immediately as my panicked mind screamed at me that self-preservation is far more important than temporary butterflies in my stomach.
Unsticking myself from his side I sat up, still watching him sleep. I realized he had this innocence that he never fully grew out of even with all of the random tattoos and hazardous attitude.
Recognizing innocence, you were forced to bury under grown up problems was a talent I had acquired. That shit never goes away, it can only be lived out and I’m guessing he had as much of a childhood as I did.
No one fakes smiles unless they’ve learned the price of not smiling at all.
Besides the fact that I crossed a line I made for myself, hard drugs and alcohol off the table, I knew I had nothing to bring back to Dove. It wouldn’t matter if I served it up cold or popped it in the microwave for a few seconds - he was going to be unsatisfied with the fact that I had no new information to offer.
Khaos’s dick size was new information for sure but none he wanted.
Sitting in his bed waiting for him to be awake was painful. Looking down at the big shirt I had on and not a stitch of fabric underneath left my mind reeling with so many questions I wasn’t all that sure I wanted answered.
I came here with the intention of doing exactly what I was told and now I wanted to question my own morals? Good, Grace, let’s have a post-coitus meltdown now.
Getting brave I left the island that was his bed searching for my clothes or shoes but coming up empty. His room was a natural disaster and I wasn’t all that surprised for someone bearing his name. Finally looking under the bed I gave up and bullied the door to open quietly, I wanted a clear getaway not an awkward one.
The hallway was clear as I tiptoed out of the room and down the stairs hoping he would just stay asleep when the door creaked open stiffening my body. Pausing on the stairs like I became invisible wasn’t the smartest thing I could have done but it was a knee jerk reaction.
“Birdy?” Scrubbing his face, he stood there in all his half naked glory that made me feel like hot lava inside. “My body can sense when I’m alone so now I’m up.”
Scrunching my face up I mouthed fuck before saying, “Hey, I was just gonna get going…”
“Do you need a ride?” He offered shoving a hand down his underwear, still looking at me through one eye while he adjusted to be awake.
I had to go through what memories I did have first and figure out if Ears stuck around or if I was on my own before I gave him a solid answer. Trucking past me, he jogged down the stairs and I had no choice but to follow. His house was so big you could get lost in it, no wonder he doesn’t seem keen on being alone.
I wasn’t scared of my thoughts. I was scared of my desires, big difference.
Wanting things doesn’t always result in you actually getting them.
Finally getting to the first level of his house, which was a completely different world with all of the girls buzzing about with their days and the smell of breakfast making my stomach clench. Eating anything besides the dollar burritos from the gas station was foreign to me. Cooked meals? Take out even? All died when I traded in a lesser juvie stay for a fake family.
Fake families don’t do home cooked meals just to give you some false sense of security.
I must have been looking at the stack of pancakes with lusty eyes when Kennedy pushed the plate towards me. “Breakfast? You know you want to. Apple pancakes are Khaos’s favorite.”
She was offering up information, the useless kind, yet still new information like I wanted to know his likes and dislikes.
Staring at her with a confused look she quickly recovered by letting me know Ears was passed out on the couch. “Just wait a few seconds for the smell to travel. He loves food.”
Almost exactly how I predicted Ears stumbled into the kitchen with his eyes closed, feeling around for sharp edges, “Everyone’s body parts covered? Y’all a bunch of freaks up in this house.”
The girls cooed and laughed in a kind of unison that gave me cult vibes instantly. Goosebumps spread across my arms and I looked at Khaos in a critical way trying to understand him, this lifestyle, and why I wanted to fit into it somehow.
His arm immediately closed around my neck holding me against him, “I gotta go to work. Ears, you chilling here? Kennedy can drop us off.”
My whole body was stiff without the Molly massaging my muscles loose. Memories were drifting into my mind, unwarranted, of myself sitting in front of Khaos while he touched himself. As I swallowed hard, I felt the bile creep from the dungeon of my stomach and my hand flew over my mouth.
Without even a pause Khaos pushed a trash can closer before I hurled. The embarrassment steeled my spine and made my whole body break out in a chill.
“It’s Suicidal Tuesday, the comedown from Molly. Equal parts depression, anxiety, and a lack of sexual appetite… not that we don’t have the makings of a great porno.” Khaos’s voice spoke while I tossed up whatever acid was left over inside.
Kennedy rubbed my back while the other girls were quick to get me water, Advil, fruit, and pancakes the same way I could assume they were used to doting on Khaos. Standing straight up I tried to pull myself together, “Can I have my clothes back? Can’t exactly leave like this.”
I felt Khaos behind me but unwilling to touch me, only his words were landing on my sensitive skin. Suddenly Kennedy’s rules about Khaos being off limits to visitors made sense even though I felt the rejection showing on my face.
One of the girls presented a reusable bag on the countertop, pushing it near me, “We washed everything for you.”
Hidden behind the island I fished out my bikini bottoms and yanked them up under the shirt and continued onto my shorts. Suicidal Tuesday or not I needed out of here, the only rules I abide by are the ones Dove sets for me, the rest only make me uncomfortably conflicted if I should follow them or not.
Rushing out of the only exit I spotted, I felt like hurling again. My stomach was in my throat and my heart sunk down, taking its place. Kennedy must have seen the panic on my face when she followed me outside with the bag in tow.
“It’s a lot to take in, coming down, the rules, Khaos… I get it, I do, just give yourself some time to digest it. I’ll drop Khaos off first so we can have some girl talk while you tell me where to bring you.”
Everything about Kennedy was warm, inviting, pleasing to all your senses. If only people could truly be the comfort we all needed. In my experience people were just false promises and a way to get by until we learned how to comfort ourselves.
She unlocked a Mercades and I slipped in without responding to her last comment. I had nothing to add to it and I wasn’t one to waste words just to fake a reply.
The seats were warm and I couldn’t tell if it was from the sun or if she knew I would be cold enough to need them heated right now. Tousling my hair to one side I looked out the passenger seat window still debating on putting on my shoes when I decided against it.
Khaos practically jumped into the back with his board like we were going on a class field trip and he couldn’t contain himself. I was never allowed to go on those so I would end up having to watch a movie with the teacher instead all because I didn’t have a parent to sign the slip. After that I started forging signatures, taking what I wanted, not letting people decide for me anymore.
I was on my own after that, running away from every family I was placed with and getting into so much trouble they had no choice but to lock me up until I learned my lesson.
It only helped me get better at not getting caught.
Suffice to say I never missed another field trip.
“I’ll drop you off first Khaos.”
Not shifting my body or eyes I tossed out, “And why don’t you drive?”
Kennedy waited for the gate and pulled out, “He has some trauma back from boarding-”
Khaos shot up from laying across a few seats in the back, “We don’t talk about Voldemort!”
It was the first time I saw him
being true to himself, acting how he actually felt, instead of a fake kind of happy just to be better liked.
Right now he didn’t care who liked him.
It didn’t take long to get to the tall black building in the business district of LA, a monster among perfectly regal looking buildings. He got out without so much as a bye like I was lumped into the group of people he’d for sure see again so formal goodbyes went out the window. I wasn’t hurt, more shocked and in a state of awe from last night that I’m sure he liked.
Kennedy filled the space with meaningless conversation that I refused to reply to. I let her speak and all I had to do was listen for her to feel validated.
Directing her down to the beach she pulled into a parking space, “You don’t wanna go home first? Right into the water?”
Pointing to the van I slipped out of the car and closed the door behind me. “Not as lavish as his place but I spent a lot of time renovating the inside. Humble.”
Kennedy gave me this sad smile the way people do when they have nothing else to offer you.
I wonder if people find it less degrading than not reacting at all.
I would prefer not being given anything, that’s why I take without asking.
When I woke up, I realized I had fallen asleep again in the small bed in the back of my vintage burnt orange VW van that I had poured every dime into making a home. A secret home that I could afford, that was all mine and untouched by Dove.
Swearing at my phone’s time stamp I rushed to get some shoes on and grabbed my board to haul ass to Dove’s before he wondered where I was or even worse sent his legion out looking for me.
Taking every shortcut, I knew I still got there in the afternoon ready to check in like I was on the clock. Only no union, no HR, no minimum wage, and no fucks given.
Walking into Dove’s place, past Hamilton, I knew that however this went wasn’t going to go well. Failure wasn’t something Dove bred me for when he pretty much saved my life.
He was eating a grapefruit with his toast on the patio as I inched my way out of the sliding door, forcing myself to get over the fear stirring in me.
“And what does my Little Bird bring me today?”