by Elena Monroe
“Are you stalking me?”
Straddling his board, he laughed, “I was going to pretend to be shocked when I saw you but Ears confirmed the beauty on the board was you.” Pointing behind him, I gave Ears a dirty look he could see from this far.
“Feels like stalking just to give you a heads up.”
Spotting a wave coming in my direction, I slid down effortlessly and started paddling. He can surf where he wants but he’d have to compete for waves like the rest of us.
“If you keep running, I’ll keep chasing!” He shouted my direction as I paddled harder chasing my own desires, flying in my own way.
The amount of time I spent on land was minuscule compared to the amount of time I found ways to fly on my boards.
Catching the wave just in time, I spun my board around paddling back letting the wave scoop me up. Gluing down my feet I took my position and felt the rush slam into my chest. I was surfing the crest of a perfect wave when it faded as quickly as it arrived.
Standing straight up with my arms outstretched, I let my board debate pushing me into the water when the wave faded.
The twenty miles per hour for two solid minutes of soaring made you rush out to paddle again.
My high was dampened when Khaos shouted, “Been surfing long?”
“Beginners luck,” I bit out sarcastically while paddling towards the waves again trying to escape him while keeping my head down.
“Okay, okay, I can take a hint. You’re not interested… it’s hot as fuck that you hate me and I didn’t even pay you to.”
Straddling my board again I watched the wave in the distance creep closer, ignoring Khaos existing in my happy space.
Paddling up to me, he straddled his board next to me, “I didn’t pay you to crawl on your hands and knees either. That’s an image I can’t get out of my head by the way. I’m pretty sure you broke me so now you have to buy me.”
Does he ever stop talking? I could legit not respond and he’d keep going.
Maybe he likes the sound of his own voice.
Turning my head in his direction I stared at him still not responding, giving him a clear signal that I wasn’t interested. He wouldn’t be the first guy I ever rejected and wouldn’t be the last. The only room I had in my life was for the gang that owned my life - it wasn’t mine anymore.
I wasn’t my own.
I was theirs.
“Whoa, what happened to your eye?”
Shifting my face back straight ahead I swallowed the memory along with any tells my body could give away. “Hit the reef pretty hard. No biggy.”
“Shit. You good?”
Not only was he eccentric but he was even a pro at sounding like he cared. Color me impressed, only a little, not much.
“I’m good. Did you come to surf or talk?” Pushing my hand out I served him a sea of waves headed our way when he paddled out. I knew by the smirk that he was going to show off in any way he could. He wanted me more than a little impressed.
I watched him with so much intention I felt my arousal recognize him, the cocky attitude and need to be liked. My body reacted to him no matter how much I told myself I hated those qualities.
His body was graceful despite his height and muscles as the wave carried his board. He was distracting me, so I called it quits early, already paddling to shore. I couldn’t have chaos in my happy place- that’s a different vibe completely.
Dropping my board in the sand, I plopped down next to it further down from Ears. This is my secret spot under the pier where the pillars made doorways to the ocean. It was quiet, cold, dark, and almost a portal to another world if you closed your eyes tight enough.
Laying back into the sand, I closed my eyes for what must have been only a few minutes before someone sat down next to me, I could feel their energy wafting me in the face and I knew exactly who it was. Without opening my eyes, I spoke into the air, “Now it’s definitely stalking, but creepier.”
“About the last time I saw you… I don’t do unhappy shit often. I think we both have a past here...”
“Is this going somewhere or are we about to compare war wounds?” I didn’t move from laying down with my arm over my eyes so even if I did open them, he wouldn’t know. Peering at him next to me I saw his arms hugging his own legs with a genuine expression I only got a glimpse of stuck to his good looks.
“Why don’t we just talk and see where we end up? Maybe this will just be a history lesson or maybe we end up somewhere else. I have a feeling happiness isn’t enough for people and something tells me you’d rather see people bleed for you, so bleed me dry.”
I felt my body sink further into the sand and my chest felt hollow in a way it never had. I was empty and he was offering to fill me.
Not responding, he took my silence as the green light to go ahead, “I don’t drive because I hurt someone I loved when I was a teenager in boarding school. She told me no one would ever love me without getting something out of it, so I made sure everyone in my life from that point on was paid to be here. Does that earn me your attention yet?”
Peeling my arm off my eyes and letting my head drop to my right, I looked at him for the first time without all the bullshit.
He was just as unable to fly as I was.
Looking down at me he didn’t smirk once, “Not enough blood? I get it. She didn’t just tell me I was destined to be unloved - she decided to fake date me so her very real boyfriend could humiliate me at prom. Unlucky for her I don’t get embarrassed easily.”
Still staring I was holding my breath waiting to exhale. It wouldn’t be him unless there was a dramatic ending, and it hadn’t ended on that kind of note yet.
“Still not enough? I was so high and drunk that I pushed her off a roof and when I left prom, I went to pull out of the parking lot in reverse… I didn’t know she was still alive. I didn’t know what I had done until the next day after the high wore off.”
My mouth fell open and now I understood why he was constantly trying to be a living care bear surviving on rainbows and sunshine. He was so dark inside that it was the only way to fight it, being something you’re not until it sticks.
I didn’t know what to say when I sat up, mirroring how he was hugging his legs and tipping into him. “I like it better when you don’t smile in that fake ass way.”
If I had the balls to make eye contact after saying it I’m sure I would have seen an authentic smile.
“I’m an attention whore and you aren’t paying me much attention. You wanna share something here so it doesn’t feel like Titanic and I’m on the driftwood alone.” Tipping over into me, I caught myself smiling. We were just two flightless birds trying to fly in ways that didn’t need wings.
“I wouldn’t want to change the end of a classic movie. What else would you cry to?”
Bumping him back, I popped up offering him a hand when his soft, warm, palm touched mine and that arousal came back with a vengeance. Just his touch sent my stomach flipping and all the behavior I blamed on the Molly was really just the symptom of Khaos.
My feet came out from under me as he yanked my arm down to him, forcing my body on top of his, our limbs tangled up in sand and the wetness still drying on our skin. Rolling on top of me, he found a way between my legs and his hands smoothed slowly up my arms pinning them above my head, making my heart skip a beat.
His husky voice breathed on my neck while his body dropped down to mine, “That’s not how this works.”
I wanted to laugh, but instead I smiled trying to figure out why he cared so much about me, my problems, and my past when he wasn’t able to fix anything. “How does this work then?”
“I talk, you respond. You run, I chase. I bleed, you bleed. This is going to be equal parts hard, but we’ll pull through because I’m not doing the fake love bullshit again. I know you’re gonna be worth it, don’t ask me how, it’s just a feeling.”
Yeah, in your dick. It’s called tension.
Something about his words made me believe h
im though. I believed every ounce and the authority in his tone instead of a fake kind of happy made me want to do everything he was telling me to. His words were making me feel things I hadn’t felt before.
His hands grasped my wrists tighter, still holding them above my head, and yet I wasn’t even flinching. Not like I normally would when I see pain coming. Khaos was forcing me to see him coming and all the pain I knew he’d be, yet I didn’t flinch.
“You don’t scare me, you know…” Pushing my hips up to his I wiggled under him, teasing him in a way that I didn’t plan to as my body took over.
His hips met mine, pinning me harder to the sand proving to me that he was never going to stop prodding me for more. “Great, I’m the opposite of scary so mission accomplished... but then why are you shaking?”
I could feel how hard he was in his damp underwear, no trunks, just boxer briefs soaked from the water and coated in sand now. He was pressed up against my bathing suit bottoms, a thin piece of material that was now wet because of my reaction to him, not the ocean.
My body was betraying me, giving away all my desires that I couldn’t shake off.
Sighing heavily, I decided to give him a half-truth that would stroke his ego and obsession with me. “I went through a pretty crazy initiation when I was younger…”
His face twisted up the exact amount I knew it would and turned him off, only his hard ridge wasn’t deflating against my bikini bottoms.
No guy liked to be out done by a female, not physically, only sexually when it pumps up their egos instead of killing them.
“What kind of initiation?” His brows were still bent when he pushed back letting my wrists go to sit back on his heels. Every muscle was scrubbed with sand and covered in small insignificant tattoos.
I was sure his whole life was full of insignificance and that was the first difference between us, stopping us from being friends or even enemies.
People probably presume I lost everything in a fire. I held onto nothing that I didn’t need and Khaos filled his life with everything he didn’t.
We weren’t just opposites; we were part of organizations that clearly weren’t in an alliance and any kind of relationship was just too hard to maintain if you wanted honesty to be your saving grace.
Healthy relationships always seem to require honesty.
Maybe that’s why I don’t have any healthy relationships.
“It’s just a ritual… It's supposed to symbolize the hard road we all take getting here so they have you run down the center of two parallel lines taking whatever comes your way. Belts, bats, chains - whatever their hands can hurt you with. The hard road but you survive and in the end you have them by your side forever. My family comes first, always.”
He was finally quiet like he was thinking to himself. “So, you’re in a gang and I’m off limits because I’m not fam. And you’re off limits for me because of my rules. So we’re Romeo and Juliet? Sick.”
Sitting up straighter, I couldn’t help my gaze falling down his body contradicting my words, “We aren’t anything.”
You could speak in half-truths and lies but somehow Khaos speaks both fluently, so you’re shit out of luck if you think you’re fooling him. I gave him the smallest amount I could and he spat back the truth of me being in a gang like it was so simple.
Dramatically taking my hand, he spouted off with so much conviction I felt like I was being proposed to. It all sounded like the gibberish they teach in school, not easy enough to follow. “Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight, for I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.”
Raising my eyebrows, I stared at him before I broke out laughing falling back into the sand, covering my mouth.
It wasn’t that he was selling me on some tragedy that could be us, but he believed every ounce of what he was selling.
Taking my hands and yanking me up, he kept looking at me like I grew a unicorn horn, curious but also content.
“There’s that laugh. All it took was some Shakespeare. Noted. Go on a date with me. We’ll go on the Ferris wheel, I’ll be a perfect gentleman, and I’ll even pretend I’m not looking at your tits that I’ve already seen in all their glory.”
Pushing him as I walked by, I grabbed my board, “Absolutely not…”
My mouth said no while my pussy ached to be touched by him and my heart swooned.
Least my mind was still sharp.
Ears was fast asleep with a book still in his hands. He loved reading stories about the poor becoming suddenly rich meant to teach us to be thankful for what we have, but instead Ears took those as guide manuals.
He wanted to be his own boss, making his own money, and only answering to the call of his passions.
Didn’t we all…
Khaos wasn’t far behind me, carrying his own board, and waving his friends back in. I wasn’t dense in noticing he is never alone.
Feeling brave and in a position of power off a few rejections I turned to him, “Are you ever alone?”
“If we go on a date, we would be…”
“You are something else,” shimmying back into my shorts I buttoned them and slipped into my oversized shirt.
He tried kicking Ears awake like somehow having everyone on the beach on his side was going to bully me into agreeing to a date. Khaos was about to learn the most important lesson of his life: I don’t do anything I don’t want to no matter how far I’m pushed.
Ears stirred awake to see Khaos’s junk inches from his face in nothing but underwear when he shouted the same way he did when a bee got too close. “Oh shit! Get your goddamn snake away from me…” He was grinning the whole time he said it like he could be persuaded to go on the date if he was only listening.
Ignoring Ears completely he smirked at me, “I didn’t hear a no that time. See? I’m wearing you down.”
Smirking, I shook my head no even though he was wearing down any reserve I might have had left. He already turned my pussy against me and now he was working on stealing my heart. All I had left was my wits- knowing the difference between lust and love.
KHAOS
A few weeks later…
Playing it cool is my superpower; if we had heroes and villains the way movies make it seem that simple.
In reality, the lines are blurred.
There’s no good and bad, only various degrees of atrocity.
I’m not living in a fantasy. I know I end up on the side of the spectrum that isn’t exactly holy. There was still some blood on my hands from being part of the Clave, indirectly was my preferred method, but blood all the same.
Maybe that’s what I recognized in Birdy, the darkness she embraces while I run from it.
I really was pretty much stalking her at this point, but I didn’t care if it meant spending time with her. After we shared secrets under the pier, I started frequenting half days just so I could save some daylight for her, visiting every skate park and beach until I found her.
Thankfully, the Clave paused on the weekends giving me enough daylight to find her sooner if I didn’t sleep in until the afternoon. Birdy was all the motivation I needed to wake my ass up earlier than I wanted after raging on a Friday night. Weekend parties were a non-negotiable for me, it was my own personal ritual and stoked my fake fire of not being lonely.
Waking up to a pounding in my head from the beer bong championship we had last night, I knew I needed caffeine, water, and a joint to wake up before I played Where's Waldo with Birdy today.
Things would be easier if she just gave me her number, but she still refused every time I asked. She was pretty good at not falling victim to my charms.
Padding downstairs in search of all the antidotes I needed to feel better, I bumped into Dahlia with her eyes glassy and wet. Stepping in front of her purposely keeping her from walking away, I asked her, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. It’s nothing,” she pushed past me and jogged up the stairs.
Shrugging it off, I made my way to the kitchen where Kennedy was sitti
ng at the island with her computer in front of her and a mug of coffee. Sneaking up behind her I wrapped my arm around her, stealing her coffee to bring to my lips.
Kennedy was the only K I’ve ever had in my alphabet, I trusted her about as much as I could trust anyone. She’s given me years of proving me wrong when it came to people leaving and that earned respect instead of my heart.
Now we acted more like siblings. Well, the socially acceptable kind like in romance books and tv shows – related but separated by varying degrees of nudity.
“Girls are feeling a little neglected, it’s shark week and you didn’t notice. Seems like someone else has more of your attention.”
My chin was balancing on her head listening when I realized that’s why Dahlia was emotional when normally she wasn’t. Walking over to the giant calendar made from chalk paint and markers I saw the red lines through the days, the waves, and a shark fin I drew up there every month.
I never forgot a shark week until now.
“Fuck,” I muttered to myself.
Kennedy got up, pouring some cereal into a bowl and reaching in the fridge for some milk, “Yep, you forgot. So, what are we gonna do about it? Are you terminating the contracts? Am I kicking everyone out?” Pushing the bowl towards me I stole her seat and poured it into my open mouth even though I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve much after the realization that I’m a horrible boyfriend.
She leaned into the countertop, “It’s Birdy, huh? Lay it on me.”
Still pouring cereal into my mouth I contemplated my life in that moment- Birdy and a whole alphabet, who is supposed to win the war? Comfort or possibilities? Which one is supposed to matter more?
“Nothing is happening. Initiation is coming up, work is crazy, she’s just a new homie. It’s nothing.”
Placating, that’s what I was doing. Along with deflecting and projecting all over the kitchen.
“So, you’re not going out to surf or skate to look for her today?” I could hear the judgement in her voice. No one liked being picked last.
“Nope. In fact, it’s a movie marathon day. Gather the girls while I put on my tux onesie!” I got up not waiting for a knee jerk reaction from the only painfully honest person in this house.