“I don’t know what to do. Brandon came back to take her home,” I say, rage searing through me. “She’s mine now, he doesn’t get to come and take her away.”
Ryan nods his head. “Hilary told me. I’m sorry, man.”
I shake my head, feeling hurt—betrayed. “She promised,” I whisper low for myself.
Ryan just nods as I continue to process all the words she spoke to me the evening before. Even though she spoke the words, her actions haven’t shown me she means what she says. I need some time to process everything to allow myself to sort out what I’m willing to sacrifice and what parts of myself I’m not.
“Let’s head down to the boat,” Ryan breaks the silence. Just like that, I put the truck in gear and head toward the harbor, knowing some distance and time in isolation will do me good.
We drive the short distance to the harbor and start unpacking the truck. We get the office boat geared up and go over our safety checklist. I realize I’ve forgotten our radio in the truck. Ryan says he’ll start stowing the gear while I grab it.
I turn to run up toward the ramp, but I’m stopped in my tracks by the sight of Cammie. She looks distraught, her hair, wet from the rain, lying flat against her face. Her face bare and alabaster beneath the cloudy skies. Her eyes flick between the boat and me before she tosses her arms out to her side.
“So that’s it, you’re just going to leave?”
Irritation crawls through my body, and I start walking toward her. “What do you want me to do?”
“Where are you going?” she asks, fear seeping through her calm demeanor.
“We have to go sample a few streams,” my voice void of friendliness.
“It’s Sunday.”
“Yeah, well, we have a deadline tomorrow.”
“Oh,” she says with an emotion I can’t read.
“What do you want, Cammie?” I stop walking and stare at her.
“I wanted to see you. I need to talk to you,” she says.
I nod and move my hand as if motioning for her to get on with it. “Why are you being so cold?” she accosts me.
I chuckle, exasperated. “Why am I cold? That’s rich,” I say, shaking my head, anger fuming from my pores.
“What are you talking about?” her naivety fueling the fire within me.
“You’re the one whose ex-boyfriend showed up after we—” I step toward her, lowering my voice as bystanders pass. “After we made love.”
“Jake,” she says with sadness to her tone as she sucks in breath between each sentence. “I had to hear him out. I owed him that.”
“You owed him nothing.” I whisper, my voice raw with emotion. “But you did owe it to me to be honest.”
Tears start to fall from her eyes and I realize I can’t do this, as much as I want to be angry with her. “Jake, he loves me. I couldn’t—"
“I love you, too,” I cut her off, my tone soft and low as defeat fills my entire being. She shakes her head as if I don’t understand but I do.
“If you can’t see that he’s never going to love you the way I would, then there isn’t much left to talk about.” I storm up the rest of the ramp and get the radio out of the truck.
“Jake, wait,” she grabs my arm, pleading with me. “Let me explain,” she says, wiping tears from her face.
“I don’t want to hear it. You obviously miss him.” I say, and I storm back toward the boat, down the ramp. “You apparently texted him so. I hope you two are happy together,” I hear her call out my name, but I ignore it.
“Jake,” I shake my head and continue walking away from her. The sound of her crying out my name creates a crack in my foundation, but I can’t be her doormat anymore. I need her actions to speak as loud as the words she said.
If she truly loved me, we wouldn’t end like this. “Jake, please.”
“Just leave,” I whip my head around to shout before continuing down the dock. “Go home, Cammie.”
I beg myself not to turn back. To not look at her standing there, knowing full well if I look at her once more, hurt and vulnerable, there’s no way I would be able to walk away from her. She chose him and asked me to leave, I remind myself. It doesn’t erase the way I feel for her or the pain of encouraging her to leave.
I untie us from the cleat, jumping in with a heavy foot as I toss the radio to Ryan.
“What’s Cammie doing here?” Ryan asks, looking earnest as he eyes Cammie who stands distraught at the top of the ramp.
“She came here to explain her choosing Brandon,” I say.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” he says, patting me on the back.
“I’ll be fine. It hurts like hell now, but it will get better,” I reassure myself. “It’ll get better.”
“Of course, maybe a night away will do you good,” Ryan reassures me, and I hope to God he’s right.
We pull out of the harbor, and I watch the woman I thought I knew, the woman I’m in love with, disappear from my sight. It hurts so fucking much watching her disappear from my life but there isn’t anything left I can do. She stands there, watching as we pull away, and once she vanishes with distance, it seems the rest of Smuggler’s Cove follows suit. I return my gaze toward our trajectory in hopes this pain in my chest will dissipate too.
Twenty-One
Cammie
Tears fall from my face as I watch Jake pull out of the harbor and out into the sea. The hollow feeling in my chest throbs as a constant reminder of the conversation I need to have with him. But he was so angry with me.
I didn’t get the chance to tell him, I choose you. The words stuck on repeat in my mind like a broken record driving me insane. He wore the hurt like armor across his entire body, a vulnerable reminder of how fear ridden he’d been about this relationship and his distrust towards the hurt I’d inflict.
I’d choose him over and over again. That was never a question but my actions spoke louder than the words I kept hidden beneath the surface for fear I’d become broken and shattered by the rejection. He couldn’t fathom my choosing him and why would he? I’ve only told him how terrified I am to feel out of control when it comes to love.
Love.
My body feels cold and numb at the reminder of what I was too afraid to accept and now it’s too late. The wind no longer stings with the pelt of each raindrop as it slams against my frozen cheek. The crash of waves meshes with the towns people laughing over the roar of the breeze as it slams against my chest leaving me breathless.
My body mindlessly turns from the ramp and my feet carry me toward home. All the blood in my face and hands has drawn back as shock consumes my system. Here I had told myself I was too afraid to invest myself, to give myself over completely, out of fear of losing what could be and I’ve lost it anyway.
The best thing that could ever be, will never.
I stumble past Tommy who’s standing in the doorway to Kayak Alaska. He doesn’t speak, just nods with his pitying smile that tells me he’s seen the interaction between Jake and I. I try to smile back, but I can’t. Instead, I break our gaze and continue walking toward home without a single word. I don’t want to pretend I’m okay when I feel shattered, I don’t want to cover up the failure I brought upon myself, I don’t want to hide the fucked up version of myself that will sabotage everything good in my life until I learn to look rejection in the face and say I’ll be okay without you.
Cars whizz past me splashing rain water up and across my body, the passengers wave their apologies as I mindlessly stroll forward pulling my raincoat tight across my face.
I can picture myself saying the words to my dad, that his leaving me broke me but him leaving was the best thing that could have happened. It prepared me not to rely on anyone but myself. I can survive, I’ll be okay, dad. I don’t need you.
I imagine myself saying the words to Brandon after finding him in our bed with someone else. Again, the disgust pangs within me as the memory replays in my mind. It hurt like hell, but I wasn’t broken.
“I’ll be okay,” I
whisper the words aloud. I’m better off without you, I think.
Jake’s laughter plays before me, the way his smile crinkles across his face and wrinkles his eyes. A smile dances across my lips through the welling of tears, memories flood into my mind each one more enjoyable than the last.
“Go home, Cammie,” his words replay in my mind and the defeat washes over me like a wave of grief. Consuming me beneath the power of it.
I sink my teeth into my bottom lip, begging it to stop quivering. I’ll be okay, I think the words. Tears fall in rapid succession at the betrayal of my thoughts, I don’t need you.
“Lies,” I scoff, swiping tears from my cheek.
I reach home, my hand resting against the gate, my memory of telling Jake to leave stored in my mind. The hurt, the pain, that flashed behind his eyes. My lip begins to quiver and I drum my fingers against it.
“Don’t leave,” I whisper, walking through the gate and up the stairs to the house. A quiet prayer spoken hoped to be heard by Jake.
Finally, in the safe confines of home, I latch the door closed before sliding my back along it. I lean my head into my hands and allow the sobs to fill the empty sounds of this suddenly lonesome home.
A body slides next to me as Hilary’s arm wraps around my shoulders. I curl against her as she strokes her hand against my back. Brokenness fractures the remaining pieces of myself, swallowing me into a hole of nothingness. Despite my best efforts to protect myself I brought on my own demise.
“I-I, think w-we’re done,” I whimper as I try and catch my breath.
Hilary kisses my head. “I’m sorry.”
I nod in return because I’m sorry, too. I wish it hadn’t ended this way, but poetically this ending feels all too familiar and self-inflicted.
Hilary stands beside me before grabbing my hand and pulling me off the floor. I walk to my room and fall into bed, Hilary tucking me in. “Get some rest,” she says before turning out the light and closing the blinds.
Soft music carries from the living room creating a sliver of resolve in an atmosphere that feels a lot like a bomb was detonated. Another breath hitches in my throat and a tear falls across my nose. I wonder when I’ll run out of them, be empty of tears, of feeling.
Before I realize how long it has been, I fall into a deep, restless sleep, knowing that when I wake, things will be as they are now––ruined.
I awake the next morning, my head pounding from the emotional turmoil from the day before. I sit up slowly, forcing myself from bed, knowing what I have to do. Something I’ve always done, the realization stings. I stand and walk toward Hilary’s room, knocking before opening the door. My body leaning against the frame.
“Hey,” I whisper loudly enough for her to stir awake.
“What is it,” Hilary asks, sitting up quickly. “Are you okay?”
“Let’s take the kayaks out,” I sit beside her.
“Now?” She rolls over, checking her phone. “It’s six-thirty and my day off.”
“I know, we got to sleep in.” I smirk, and she throws a pillow at me.
“I’ll be ready in five,” she says as I leave to go change.
Twenty-Two
Cammie
I reach down and untie my kayak from the dock, Hilary at my side. “Betton,” she calls over her shoulder and I nod in response. The cloud coverage hangs low against the water giving the illusion as though we’re paddling into nothingness.
Hilary paddles next to me, the quiet stillness of everything takes over me, and breathe deeply as I relax into the rhythmic nature of each stroke. We reach the beach and hop out to make a fire. We sit, but the silence is all-consuming, so I do what I can to break it.
“I’m going to move home,” I say, definitive despite my weak tone.
“You are home,” Hilary says.
“You know what I mean.” I look over at her my eyes full of defeat. The crackling fire greets the squawks of seagulls.
“I don’t want you to go,” she says, looking back at me.
“I don’t want to either…but it’s time.”
We sit in silence for a while longer, listening to the wind blowing through the trees and the birds singing to one another.
“When are you going?” She asks.
“Tomorrow morning,” I say, looking toward her. She nods, but I can tell she’s trying to think of a way to make me stay.
“What about Ja—" she starts, but I cut her off.
“He was the one who told me to leave, Hil,” I say, pulling my hair back from my face. “I felt like I needed to hear Brandon out, to get closure.” I rest a hand against my mouth, slowing my breathing in an attempt to relax.
“You owed him nothing,” she says.
I nod, knowing she’s right. Wondering what would have happened if I’d asked him to leave and stuck beside Jake.
“I went to the dock, and saw Jake leaving with Ryan. I didn’t know why. I tried to get him to listen to me, that it wasn’t what he thought.” I sigh away the emotion gripping my throat. “I chased him down the ramp all dramatically, that’s when he said it. Just leave.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “He said to go home. I fucked up.” I say, the tears prick my eyes and sting the tip of my nose. “I will continue to fuck up, and he’s the one who’ll gets hurt every time.”
“It seems like you’re hurt, too,” Hilary says.
I shake my head. “I caused this. I don’t get to be hurt.”
“That’s bullshit, Cammie.” Her voice low with frustration.
“I’ve always felt like I don’t really belong here,” I shake my head. “When I was with Jake, the feeling faded away but it was still there. It was terrifying to feel settled in someone else, like home was a person and not just a place anymore.” I scoff at how stupid I must sound. “Crazy,” I say, adjusting my ponytail.
“It’s not crazy. You love him,” Hilary says, her voice soft with conviction.
“I know…and that’s exactly why I have to leave.” My gaze locks on a piece of driftwood floating out to sea, bobbing in the waves as it’s carried whichever way the ocean takes it.
I can feel Hilary surrender beside me, knowing me well enough to understand when I’m stuck in my way. We put the fire out by kicking sand up into the coals before we hop into our kayaks begin paddling back toward Smuggler’s Cove.
We’re near the point when Hilary and I stop paddling abruptly. “Do you hear that?” Hilary asks excitedly and I nod in response.
Whales call to each other just below the surface. A sound so beautiful it vibrates every fiber of my being. We sit back as we listen to them sing out for one another. A group of seagulls make their way toward the water with excitement, landing just a ways off from our kayaks. The whales make a long, final call before they go silent. We wait patiently a moment more before speaking in hopes they will continue their songs.
“Wow, that was pre—" I hardly get the words out before a pod of humpback whales shoot themselves up out of the water with their gigantic mouths wide open as they feed on krill. They slowly fall back down into the water, one on top of the other as the seagulls feed on the remaining food.
My jaw is hanging wide open as I take in the beautiful sight. I turn to Hilary after the last whale has collapsed back into the water to see her face mirroring mine.
“That was spectacular,” I breathe out.
“I’ve only seen bubble feeding a few times. Never this close,” she says, equally as out of breath as me.
We break into a fit of laughter as we paddle together, sitting with our paddles across each other’s kayaks, locking us in place, side by side. Once the laughing slows, and the adrenaline settles, we break apart. “I’m going to miss this place,” I say, admiring my surroundings.
“You don’t have to go,” Hilary reminds me, and I know she’s right. I just can’t imagine staying. Not now.
We make it back to the harbor, and I memorize the site of Smuggler’s Cove for my last time—at least for a while—the boardwalk damp with rain, the
brightly colored buildings creating a ray of sunshine on a dreary, gray day. I inhale the salty sea air through my nose and graze my fingertips along the sea.
We dock the kayaks, and I tell Hilary I need to talk to Tommy. She nods as she washes down the kayaks and puts them away. I jog up the ramp and inside to Kayak Alaska.
“Hey, Tommy,” I say, swinging the door open.
“Uh oh,” he says, spinning around to look at me. “What’s that about?”
I exhale and put a weak smile on my face. “I’m leaving. I’m moving home.”
“This is your home,” Tommy says, coming to a stand, moving quickly toward me.
I shake my head. “It’s time for me to go. I’ve overstayed my welcome. I appreciate everything you have done for me and given me over the past year I’ve lived here.”
Tommy abruptly envelops me in a hug before I can even finish. “You’re family. You can’t just leave.” He whispers.
I return the hug and tilt my head toward the ceiling, as much as I want to stay, “I can’t stay, either.” I pull away.
He nods in understanding. I know he saw the spectacle yesterday on the dock with Jake. I know, somehow, he understands why I can’t be here anymore.
“When do you leave?”
“Tomorrow morning.” Tommy wipes a hand down his face but nods in agreement. “I know this puts you in a bind for tours.”
Tommy waves me off. “What I was really thinking is that that doesn’t give me and Hilary much time to convince you to stay.”
I laugh easily in response. “That’s why I did it this way.”
He chuckles. “Well, if you ever make it back up here, let me know. You’ll always have a job if you want it.”
“I appreciate it. Thanks, Tommy,” I say and turn to leave. Everything seems to be coming together and wrapping up in a way I didn’t know was possible. This closure feels right. Right?
I drop Hilary off at the house and ask if I can take her car. I tell her I have some errands to run before leaving tomorrow. She agrees and reluctantly leaves me to my checklist.
Every Step of the Way: (Smugglers Cove #1) Page 18