by Breck, A. R.
Pressing my pointer finger to my lips, I back into the hallway. Lilah does the same, going the extra mile and going up on her tip toes to sneak out of the room. I shut the door behind her, and then it’s just us.
“Hi.” I say, suddenly unsure of what I’m supposed to do with a small kid. Do they go to the bathroom by their self or…?
“Hi. I’m hungry.” She says happily. She’s in a much better mood than she was last night.
“Hungry, huh? What’re you in the mood for?”
“Ummmm… I want pancakes.”
“Pancakes?” I widen my eyes.
“And sausage!” She does a little bounce in her spot.
“Pancakes and sausage? I think we can do that. Come on, let’s go see what we can find.” We start walking, and Lilah walks on top of my shirt until the collar is stretched down as far as it can go. She’s about to fall flat on her face when I stop her. “Hey. Hold on a second.” I walk into the bathroom that’s off the hallway. Sliding open the top drawer, I see a ton of leftover hair binders from Jessie’s in a pile. Grabbing one, I walk back over to Lilah and squat down in front of her.
“I’m going to help you with your shirt, okay?”
“It’s a big shirt.” She laughs.
“It is a big shirt. Here.” I roll the bottom until it above her feet and pull it in front of her and tie it up into a weird looking pony. “How’s that?”
“It’s funny.”
“It is funny. Let’s go see if we can get you some pancakes, okay?”
“Okay.” She grabs my hand without me prompting, and I almost jolt out of her hold on instinct. Her little hand folds inside of my palm, and I give her a curious look as I walk down the stairs.
I want to be angry with her for trusting me so easily. I want to sit her down and bark at her to not trust anyone. To not trust me. I’m not a good man. None of us are good people. How is she such an innocent kid in this fucked up world?
And more importantly, who the fuck is the father of this kid?
By her tanned skin, my stomach sinks thinking some sick fuck at that compound impregnated Ivy. She’s young. And I have a sneaking suspicion she wasn’t there willingly.
The thoughts make me crazy as we make our way towards the kitchen. There’s no answer that calms the turning in my gut, and I don’t want to think of what I’m sure is a bad backstory of this child’s conception.
Haley is already awake, although she looks like she doesn’t want to be. She’s turning on the coffee as she starts brewing a pot for herself. She’s one of the long timers. Not a Jessie, not an old lady. She just lives here, works, and is good friends with the Seven and all the people who frequent the club. She came here young and dumb, homeless, and just out of a shitty, abusive relationship. We brought her in and let her be, and now she’s in her thirties. She’s hot, we all know it. But no one does anything about it. She’s more like a mother to all of us. Now she does things around this place. Manages the bar and feeds us so we don’t live off of beer and keeps the place clean we don’t live in a shit hole.
When she looks over at me, she breaks out into a smile, then she sees the little kid walking next to me, and it drops. She looks shocked but recovers and looks at me with a confused smirk. “Now, Z, I know you didn’t have a kid last time I talked to you.”
“Hilarious.” I lift Lilah and set her on the stool. “But she is hungry and hoping you can make her some pancakes and sausage.”
She pours herself a cup of coffee and looks at Lilah. “What’s your name, honey?”
“Lilah.” She kicks her feet in the air, her small body looking so small on the stool I usually see two hundred-pound men sit in.
“Lilah, you want some pancakes and sausage?”
“Yeah.” She gives a toothy smile.
“Pancakes and sausage, it is, then.” She turns around to grab a few pots and pans. I watch her, her blonde hair in a messy pony at the back of her head. Her sleep shirt and sleep shorts worn and winkled. But she’s happy. And suddenly I wonder if she really is happy after all these years without finding anyone.
“Why haven’t you found someone, Haley?” I ask suddenly.
She flips a pancake and looks at me with a raised eyebrow. “Found someone?”
“You know what I mean. Why are you still single? Don’t you want to find someone to be with?”
She laughs at me. “Z, I’ve got two handfuls of men in this place that keep me busy. I found love with all of you guys, you think I’ve got time for anyone else?”
I shake my head at her as she dishes up a plate for Lilah. She even takes time to put syrup on the plate and cut up her food for her. The moment the plate slides in front of Lilah, she digs in like she’s famished. For all I know, she might be.
Shit, was she literally starving?
I grind my teeth at the thought of someone depraving this kid from anything. She’s a sweet kid. You’ve got to be a sick fuck to do anything bad to this little one.
Haley turns towards me and places her hands on her hips. “So, Z, where’d she come from and why is she here?” She asks low enough that Lilah doesn’t hear her. Not that she would, anyway. Lilah is nose deep in her plate as she inhales it.
“Slow down, kid.” I say to her. Turning back towards Haley, I ask, “Found her in Tijuana with another girl who I guess is her mom.”
“Where is the mom?” She furrows her eyebrows as she grabs a dishrag and starts wiping down the counter.
“Sleeping. Upstairs.”
“Why are they here and not in New Mexico with the rest of them?” She interrogates me with a tone that I’ve been continuously using to question myself.
Why are they here?
“She might be able to get us the information we need to take Santiago down for good.”
“For fuck sake, Z, she’s a kid!” She whisper-shouts and whips the towel at my arm.
“Not her, her mom.” I growl through clenched teeth. “I was also wondering if you can have Violet pick up some clothes for the kid and her mom? They’ve got nothing.”
With narrowed eyes, she drops the towel on the counter and walks away from me. “Yeah, I’ll tell her. You’re making a mistake, you know, and I’m thinkin’ it’s going to come back and bite you in the ass. You need to think about what you’re doing, and you need to figure it out. Fast.” She picks up her cup of coffee and walks out of the kitchen area.
She’s right. I don’t know what I’m doing. And I don’t think I have a lot of time to figure it out.
“Haley!”
“What?” She asks as she stops, turning around to look at me.
“Where’s my pancakes?” Seriously. This woman makes good pancakes and didn’t even make me any?
She laughs at me, turning around and continuing to walk away. “You are out of your damn mind, Aziel. I heard what happened with Cassius last night. I’ll deal with you later, when there aren’t any kids around.”
And with that, she turns around, leaving me alone with my dark thoughts.
“Done!”
I look at Lilah and see her hair stuck to her cheeks from the syrup. Wincing, I walk over and grab a new towel. Turning on the faucet, I get it damp and pass it to her. “You might want to clean up your face. It’s a little sticky.”
She grabs the towel and wipes everywhere except the sticky parts. I watch as she misses, wipes her forehead, wipes her nose, wipes her eyes, but leaves her sticky cheeks and mouth untouched.
“Shit, let me.” I grab the towel from her face and wipe her cheeks off, then toss the towel into the sink. “There you go.”
“I want to play outside.”
What the fuck have I gotten myself into?
“Well, I guess we’re going to play outside then.”
10
Ivy
I wake up feeling more rested than I can ever remember. I stretch out, cracking my neck and expecting the door to open and Ms. Maria to come bustling in at any moment.
She doesn’t, though.
&n
bsp; And it’s not the cool sheets I feel against my skin, it’s the hot, heavy comforter that snaps me out of my fog. I sit up, looking around as I try to remember where I am.
It’s not the clean emptiness of my little hut in Mexico that I smell. It’s worn, used, and intoxication man swirling around me. It’s a little smoky, like someone has laid in bed and smoked. Lazy, mysterious, bad. I want to burrow inside the sheets and never come out.
Memories flood back, and a panic attack almost takes hold in my chest. I look next to me and see the tiny indent where Lilah’s head laid on the pillow last night. There’s no head there now, though, and there’s no Lilah, either.
“Lilah?” I slip out of bed and rush to the bathroom. “Lilah?” I pull open the shower curtain. “Lilah!” I shout, tears instantly flooding my face and sliding down my cheeks. “Where are you?” Horrible, awful thoughts come to mind on where she could possibly be. Someone stole her, or she wandered off and got lost. Or worst of all, Santiago somehow broke in here during the night and kidnapped her. “Lilah!” I run to the window and her name gets stuck in my throat, the pounding of my heart stopping off beat and thudding through my ribcage and into my stomach. I can feel the pulse in my feet as they dig into the carpet, questions and nerves and relief swirl through me as I look at the scene in front of me.
Aziel sits on a picnic bench in a pair of joggers and a t-shirt, and his hat flipped backwards. Strands of hair poke out on the sides, his messy brown hair hidden underneath his cap. He looks like the biggest badass in the world, lounging back with his legs spread and his elbows up on the top of the table behind him. Then there’s the dandelions piled in his lap. Lilah races back and forth from the grass—if you can call it that, it’s more dirt and weeds—pulling a stray dandelion, running back to Aziel, and dropping it in his lap. Back and forth she goes, still wearing that t-shirt of his, only its tied around the bottom of her legs. She looks ridiculous, but Aziel doesn’t seem to mind. He smirks at her every so often, making a comment towards her. I stare at him as a dimple pops out in his cheek.
Fucking hell.
Mom instincts flood me, and I bust from the room, half expecting to see the kid that was blocking my exit from the night before. He isn’t there though. The hallway is clear, and I bolt down the stairs and towards the exit. I see a few people, some guys in their “cuts,” as Aziel likes to call them. A woman standing behind the bar. I ignore all of them, running towards the door and slamming my palms into it. The door swings open and Aziel snaps his head towards the door, his look goes from confused to understanding. But then I’m confused, because I watch his jaw pop a few times in what… anger?
He stands from his spot on the bench, and I watch as all of Lilah’s dandelions fall to the ground. Lilah pulls another dandelion from the ground, and when she stands, she notices me walking towards her. “Mommy!” She runs to me, her bare feet not the least bit fazed from the rocks and pebbles in the ground. “Look, I found flowers!” She hands me the longest one.
“Wow. Thank you, I love it.” I take the one she offers me, the head already floppy and folding over towards the stem. She runs off to search for more, completely forgetting my worried face. I can feel him before I see him. Glancing up, I see Aziel stomping towards me in irritation.
My shackles rise and I can’t help but freeze. He notices too, because his brows furrow and if possible, he looks even angrier. It’s like a dark cloud surrounds him, the storm building with each step he takes towards me. With each step, his unlaced boots disturb the ground beneath him as they pound into the dirt, creating a plume of dust to explode below him.
“Is this normal for you?” His eyebrows lower as he growls at me.
I’m confused.
“I’m sorry.” I glance down at my feet, something Santiago would have whipped me bloody for. I look up at him. “Is what normal for me?”
“Walking around like a little a Jessie in only a shirt.”
I blush, pulling the hem down even though it already reaches my knees. I feel naked, and I suddenly realize that I basically am. I’m wearing nothing beneath the shirt, and I’m sure he realizes this.
I shake my head. What’s a Jessie? My knees buckle and I lock them to keep from bowing down to him.
He isn’t Santiago. He isn’t Santiago.
I can’t help the instinctive motion of lacing my fingers behind my back, the dandelion strangled between my fingers.
Aziel notices my hands, frowning at them. “You couldn’t put on some pants on before you started prancing around outside?”
I shrink at his words. He’s angry. “I-I’m sorry. I couldn’t find Lilah when I woke up, and I was worried something happened to her.”
He shrugs like he doesn’t really give a shit. “I came to make sure you were still there, and she was awake. She told me she was hungry.”
I open my mouth to reprimand him again, but the words die on my tongue. Lilah was hungry, and Aziel obviously went out of his way to make her breakfast. I don’t even remember the last time I ate, and that thought makes my stomach tear into itself.
I bow my head but keep my eyes on his. “Thank you for getting her food.” I say softly.
He’s staring at my stomach, looking confused and angry and a little lost. “Hungry?”
“Oh, no, I’m fine.” I fold my arms across my chest and look for Lilah. “Lilah! Come on, it’s time to go!”
“Go? You aren’t going anywhere.”
“Why not?” I flinch and watch as Aziel’s eyes narrow. I shouldn’t have questioned him. “I’m sorry.”
His upper lip curls. “Quit fucking apologizing.” I shrink back, and that seems to only aggravate him further. And spur him on by the looks of it, because he takes a step towards me. “You aren’t going anywhere because I’m not even close to being finished with you yet, Ivy.” I can feel the double meaning in his tone. The gravel in his words makes me instinctively press my legs together. I watch as his eyes zero in on my legs. “Definitely not finished with you yet.”
Like the devil he is, Santiago comes to mind and it’s like I submerge myself in a bucket of cold water. I’m suddenly cold and uneasy. I take a step away from him. I can tell he doesn’t like this by the way he puffs out a humorous laugh. Pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, he slips one out and light it.
“That’ll kill you, you know.” Is the only thing that comes to my mind.
Smoke streams out of his nose. “Right now, I’m thinking that’s the better option.”
“Then what?”
“You don’t want to know.” He turns around and walks towards the bench, bending over to pick up a bag on the ground I didn’t notice before. He walks back towards me and lifts the bag in my direction. “Here, take these.”
“What is it?” I don’t make a grab for it. I don’t know what it is, and honestly, I don’t think I want anything from these people anyway. I just want to get out of here.
“They’re clothes. You’re going to get your ass inside and change. Then you’re going to get something to eat so I don’t have to hear that horrendous noise come out of your stomach ever again. Finally, I’m going to have to sit you down with my club and we’re going to have to go over what you know.”
“What I know?” I cock my head to the side.
“About Santiago.” He lifts an eyebrow, inspecting my face when he says the name
I keep my face blank. What I want to do is curl up into a ball at the name of El Jefe, but instead I barely even blink. “And then I can go home?”
He takes one last drag and flicks hit cigarette on the ground, stubbing the cherry out with the toe of his boot. “Then, we can talk about you going home.” He turns his gaze towards Lilah. “Hey, kid. Go get dressed and go to the kitchen. Your mom is hungry.”
I watch Lilah snap her head up and smile at him, like they’re best friends. Like they’ve known each other forever. She listens to him, too. She doesn’t put up a fight like she usually does with me. She drops the dandelions like flowers do
n’t mean the world to her. Running up to Aziel, she asks, “Mommy going to eat the yummy pancakes, too?”
“Maybe. I’ve got to go to work for a bit though. You be good to your mom. I’ll see you in a while.”
He walks off, leaving me and Lilah standing in the middle of the yard. It feels like the world left with him, leaving us in silence with nothing and no one around. The wind stopped blowing and the birds stopped chirping. It’s like time stopped all together.
I don’t know what it is, but I feel like he walked off with a part of me in his pocket.
“You hungry, Mommy?” Lilah pulls on my hand, and I snap out of whatever trance Aziel put me in and look down at Lilah. “I am. Should we go get dressed and see if we can find something for Mommy to eat?”
“Yeah!”
We walk back inside, and I can instantly feel eyes on me. Looking up, I see a group of guys staring at me. One of them is the guy who was guarding my door last night. I don’t trust anyone, even these people. It doesn’t matter nothing has happened to us yet. Everything could change in the blink of an eye.
“Come on, Lilah.” I pull her with me, giving the group one last side eye before making my way back to Aziel’s room. The floors creak as I make my way upstairs, the worn wood protesting from my weight.
No way I would have made my way down these stairs last night without no one noticing.
Once I make it to his room, I shut the door behind me and place the bag on the bed. The first shirt I pull out is Lilah’s. A miniature Harley Davidson shirt. Black and pink. Simple. There’s also a pair of black shorts in there. And a brand-new pack of princess underwear. A pack of diapers. “Look, Lilah. These are for you.” I show her the outfit.