Chapter Ten
Over the next few days, I settle into a routine at Daray Hall. Chloe and I spend our mornings before breakfast talking about different books we’ve each read. Chloe turns out to be much more intelligent than I would have originally thought, and she doesn’t seem to hate me.
After getting ready in the morning, I head down to breakfast with Tara, Andrea, Austin, and Morgan. Morgan loves talking with Tara about music, and I’m glad that Tara finally has a friend that shares her horrible taste in Heavy Metal music.
She doesn’t look as sad as she did before, and I’m glad I took one little minute to include her. She’s like an entirely different person, and every time she speaks I’m amazed that she had no friends before. Nobody took the time to get to know her, and it’s a shame, because she’s a really nice girl.
After breakfast is Protection Training. I spend almost three hours doing nothing but running, crunches, pushups, jumping, and mostly getting pushed by Kaven to be better and do more. He seems like kind of a jerk outside the gym, but during training, he’s not so bad.
Controlling bloodlust goes much smoother than the first lesson. There are no spills or accidents that cause the lesson to be canceled or cut short, and Jillian seems to be in a much better mood with her students.
But my favorite part of the day by far is the worship rituals every night. It’s the same candles, the same rose, and the same prayer each time, but it never bores me or loses my interest. The feeling of the Goddess surrounding me in the moonlight is something that could never get old.
From the second Chloe wakes up on my tenth day at Daray Hall, she’s incredible hostile and angry towards me. She storms into the bathroom to shower and dress for the day, leaving me sitting on my bed wondering what I did wrong.
I haven’t gone up to her in front of her friends. I’ve made sure to only speak to her when we’re alone in our room, and I haven’t pressured her into revealing her real personality. What could it be?
When she gets out of the shower, she’s a little happier, but not much. She still glares at everything in sight, and when she picks up a red leather-bound book that’s been sitting open on her bed, she looks at it in disgust before throwing it in the corner, where it stays.
“Chloe, what’s wrong?”
She sighs, and shakes her head. “None of your business.”
“If you wanna talk–”
“I said it’s none of your damn business!” She slams our door behind her, and she disappears for her first class.
I jump into the shower and get ready for the day, wondering what’s wrong with Chloe. While she won’t acknowledge me in public, she does seem to like me enough when we’re in private. I even suspect that we’re becoming “closet friends”, and the fact that she won’t talk to me worries me.
When I’m dressed and on my way out the door, I pass the book, and stop. Whatever’s upsetting her must be in that book. Do I have the right to snoop through it? I hesitate at the door, unsure about what I should do. If I can help Chloe, I should try, right?
Kaven crouches down beside my head and leans close. “You’re at fifty-eight. You’re more than halfway there. Seventeen more to go, Kylie. Keep it up, girl.”
I focus on taking deep, even breaths, and force myself to do one more crunch at a time. It’s easier if I don’t think about how many I have left to do and just think about finishing one more. Kaven taught me to train like this, and it definitely makes it easier.
After the final crunch, Kaven extends his hand and helps me to my feet. “Alright, where do you wanna go next?”
I scan the gymnasium, where the other Protectors and those in training are busy working out. The jump rope station is partially filled, as is the wrestling one. However, the boxing station is free for the first time since I started my training, and Kaven sees me looking. “Can you teach me to box now?”
He smiles. “Alright, let’s go. I think you can handle it.”
Kaven and I walk across the gym to the only free station, and I’m so excited I can barely contain it. Since my first day of training, this is the one station I’ve been most excited for. Boxing seems like such a useful technique for me to learn.
As we approach, Travis beats me there. He rams his elbow into my ribcage, and knocks me to the floor. “Outta my way, carpet muncher,” he hisses angrily, moving to the equipment.
I gasp in pain and just stare at him, so angry that I can’t even form coherent words. Luckily, Kaven isn’t in the same position. He walks around me and shoves Travis’ broad shoulders. “What the hell is your problem, man?”
“My problem is that this lesbo thinks it’s alright for her to train with us!”
“Stop calling me a lesbian! What the hell is the matter with you?” I ask, getting to my feet. I take a few angry steps forward, and Kaven places his hand on my shoulder, stopping me. “I’m no different than any of you. All I want is to train and help people. Why can’t you just give me that chance?”
Travis snorts. “Listen, sweetheart, you don’t belong here. This is a man’s job, and you’re gonna get whatever poor idiot you’re supposed to be protecting killed. You just remember that when your best friend is dying in your arms because you’re a failure.”
“Lay off, dude. Kylie’s earning her right to be here just like all of us. Give her a chance, Travis. She’ll do great with a little more practice.”
Travis just shakes his head and turns his back to us. He refuses to leave the boxing station for the rest of the lesson, and Kaven and I have to settle for going on another run around Daray. I’ve actually come to enjoy these runs, because there isn’t anything to do but move my legs and focus on my breathing.
Neither Kaven nor I speak the entire time, unless I need to take a quick break, and I just feel totally at peace. Being alone without having to worry about what the other Protectors are saying about me is nice, and it’s one of my favorite parts of the day, other than the worship rituals.
After Protection Training, Tara and I sit down for lunch. Austin and Andrea are busy arguing about the best way to control bloodlust, and I do my best to tune them all out. Instead, I start to think about everything that’s been said to me lately. Travis is the most vocal about his opinion, but there are others that share it.
Is it possible? Can I really be gay? I mean, I’ve never had a boyfriend before. Never been kissed before. Hell, I’ve never really ever been interested in a guy before! Is this the reason why?
I keep thinking over and over about everything in my life leading up to this point. What if I was gay? That might explain why guys weren’t interested in me ever before. As I’m thinking about everything, Tara taps my arm and whispers, “Kylie, do you wanna talk?”
One thing I’ve always loved about being friends with Tara is that she always knows when I need to talk. But how can I tell her what I’m thinking about without sounding like an idiot?
Then I know.
I don’t have to tell her, because she’s probably already heard all of my thoughts.
I glance at Tara, and she looks guilty, like she’s just been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. But there’s something else. Aside from looking guilty, she looks unsurprised. Has she already guessed that I might be gay? Do I give off that kind of vibe to people?
Tara sighs, and grabs my wrist. “Come on, let’s go,” she whispers so only I can hear. She looks at the others, who are still arguing about blood, but they stop when the two of us stand. “Guys, Kylie and I will meet you for dinner later.”
They don’t question us as we leave, and I follow Tara up to her room. As she closes the door behind us, I take a seat on her bed and fold my legs up under me. “You were listening in on my private thoughts.”
“Kylie, I’m sorry. I wasn’t purposely listening to your thoughts, but I could tell that you were upset and a little freaked out. So, I just took a quick peak at your thoughts. I’m sorry.”
“So you know what I was thinking about?”
“I heard you
wondering about your…sexuality. Kylie–”
“Do you think I’m gay?”
She hesitates before answering, which is answer enough for me. She’s wondered about it in the past, and others probably have too. Suddenly, I remember the whispers in the hall before the fight with McKenzie. Others have wondered it as well in the past, and I just didn’t see it.
“Kylie, I think you’re confused.”
“You think I’m gay.”
She just shakes her head.
“Then what? You’ve obviously seen some strange tendencies before. Right? You’ve noticed something!”
She takes a deep breath. “Alright, Kylie. Yes. I’ve noticed some things over the last couple of years. I guess I just kept waiting for you to figure it out. I didn’t wanna have to be the one to tell you. Plus, if I was wrong, I didn’t wanna risk our friendship.”
“You should have said something!” I shout, getting to my feet. “I can’t believe you would just sit around and wait for me to make a life-changing discovery like that on my own. You’re supposed to be my best friend.”
“Kylie, do you hear yourself? This is the exact thing people need to figure out themselves. I can’t tell you if you’re attracted to women, only you can figure that out for yourself.”
I can’t listen to anything else she’s saying, and I make sure to slam the door closed behind me. I’m not sure where I’m going, but suddenly I’m running through the halls, looking for anything that will take my mind off of the fight with Tara.
I find myself in the gymnasium. There are a few Protectors around, but they don’t seem to notice me enter. My feet carry me over to a punching bag, and I don’t bother warming up or changing into more comfortable clothes. I just start to work out my anger and frustrations on the punching bag.
The other day, I was jealous that Tara had friends other than me. Maybe I was actually jealous that she had other female friends. Do I secretly see them as competition? Or am I just crazy? Could I have secret feelings for Tara?
People have suggested before that Tara and I were lovers. Did they see something I didn’t? More importantly, does Tara notice it? If she did, how did she go day to day without saying anything? Does it make her uncomfortable to know that I’m interested in other women?
I stop punching for a second, and I stare wide-eyed at the bag in front of me. I just admitted it to myself. I just stand there for a few minutes and stare at the still swinging bag. How have I gone my entire life without noticing it before?
Whenever Tara and I are alone, I’m always standing closer to her than anyone else. Whenever we talk I’m always trying to make eye contact with her, and I’m always uncomfortable whenever someone brings up a guy that Tara’s interested in, and I’ve never liked a guy that she’s dated. Am I really that jealous that I can’t be happy for her when she’s with someone else? Does she know that I might have feelings for her?
After a few more minutes of angry punching, I’ve started to work up a sweat, and my breath is coming in quick gasps. I’m working out so hard that I don’t even hear footsteps behind me until he clears his throat and speaks.
“What did this poor punching bag do to piss you off?”
I stop punching and find Kaven standing behind me. He’s wearing his standard long, black gym shorts, and he’s shirtless. A light layer of sweat covers his body, and he’s still breathing harshly from his run. “Don’t you get enough of running when you’re with me?”
He shrugs. “I didn’t have anything better to do. So, why are you down here, again? Couldn’t stay away from me, could you?” he asks with a smile.
I laugh and look away. “No, actually. I just had a fight with Tara.”
“Ah, your bestie. Mind if I ask what this fight was about?”
“I don’t really wanna get into it. It’s hard enough for me to understand, let alone someone I don’t really know.”
“You know me.”
“Not well enough,” I say, wiping my face with the back of my hand.
“Well, if you wanna talk, Jillian’s almost always available during the evening. Carlos could probably help, too.”
Kaven takes a towel and wipes it across his chest, and I watch him do it. Suddenly, I realize something.
Kaven’s gorgeous. He’s tall, tan, charming when he wants to be…not to mention those dark green eyes. If I was attracted to women instead of men, would I actually notice that? I’m so confused! I just wish there was some way to figure all of this out!
Suddenly, I get a crazy idea and, on a sudden impulse, I step forward and press my lips to Kaven’s. He freezes for a second, before kissing me back. He’s hesitant, and somehow I know that he’s really not into it. He’s probably just trying to not hurt my feelings. But I don’t worry about it. This is my first kiss, and I plan to enjoy it. And I do.
After a second, I pull away from him with a smile on my face. Kaven’s staring at me like I just grew a second head and he just looks incredulous when I start to laugh. He doesn’t understand that everything’s just fallen into place for me, and I can clearly see.
“What the hell was that?”
“A test.”
“A test? What the hell kind of test?”
“I just wanted to see whether or not I was a lesbian.” I laugh again at the bewildered look on his face, and turn and run from the gymnasium. I’m not a lesbian! I’m bisexual!
I find Tara still sitting in her room, and I tell her everything I’ve thought of. Everything except maybe having feelings for her. That I make sure to keep hidden and out of my thoughts, because I’m sure I don’t want her to know. At least not until I have a chance to figure things out a little more.
Tara’s happy for my declaration, and she even admits that she thought she knew before I did. Apparently she’s caught a few thoughts in passing about Kaven, and that doesn’t surprise me. I should be angry that she caught those thoughts, but I’m too happy at finally understanding myself. I’m only surprised that it didn’t take me longer; I would have thought it would take me weeks or even months to come to the conclusion I did.
Apparently, kissing someone is a good way to find out if you’re attracted to them or not. And I am attracted to him. I’m just also attracted to Tara and other women as well.
The Awakening (Daray Hall #1) Page 10