by Nicole Johns
At night, the ICU is blanketed in silence save for the soft whir of the machines attached to Holly and the soft tread of the nurse’s rubber-soled shoes. When I try to grade writing projects, my gaze wanders out the window, where the Cathedral of St. Paul is lit bright against the murky glow of the urban night sky, and I wonder if Holly will ever wake up to see this view. At night, in the ICU, when I’m driving home and when I’m in class, my mind drifts back to summer at the EDC, and I wonder how Holly and I ended up where we are.
1 A nasojejunal feeding tube goes through the nose into the small intestine (jejunum) and bypasses the stomach. These types of tubes are used for people with stomach motility problems.
Acknowledgments
So many people have helped me both recover and write this book. I’d like to thank all of the staff at the treatment center for giving me the tools to enter recovery, and for their extensive support. Salina Renninger, PhD, and Nicole Grunzke, PsyD, for believing in me and helping me see that recovery was something I could attain. My colleagues and professors in the University of Minnesota MFA program, especially Julie Schumacher, thesis adviser extraordinaire and BFF. I’d like to thank my student groupies for their relentless encouragement and faith as well as the fine people at the Mercers-burg Academy who nurtured my love of reading and writing, and the members of the English department at Penn State Erie, who taught me about the writing life and encouraged me to pursue an MFA. Liz, for your friendship and love through all of this. Agent Barbara, for being the most amazing agent a writer could ever wish for, and Brooke Warner at Seal Press for her enthusiasm and dedication to Purge.
I would also like to thank the Prague Summer Program for the generous Eda Kriseova Nonfiction Fellowship during the summer of 2005 as well as the Vermont Studio Center for an Artist’s Grant that allowed me to finish Purge.
Most of all I’d like to thank Brady Johnson, the love of my life and best friend.
About the Author
Nicole Johns was born and raised in rural western Pennsylvania and has a BA in English from Penn State Erie and an MFA from the University of Minnesota. She resides in Minneapolis with her soon-to-be husband, Brady Johnson, and has been in recovery from her eating disorder since 2005.
Selected Titles from Seal Press
For more than thirty years, Seal Press has published groundbreaking books. By women. For women. Visit our website at www.sealpress.com.
Check out the Seal Press blog at www.sealpress.com/blog.
Conquering Eating Disorders: How Family Communication Heals, by Sue Cooper PhD and Peggy Norton, RD. $16.95, 1-58005-260-6. Combining expert advice with powerful stories from real teens, Sue Cooper and Peggy Norton help families communicate and ultimately heal from these devastating disorders.
Body Outlaws: Rewriting the Rules of Beauty and Body Image, edited by Ophira Edut, foreword by Rebecca Walker. $15.95, 1-58005-108- 1. Filled with honesty and humor, this groundbreaking anthology offers stories by women who have chosen to ignore, subvert, or redefine the dominant beauty standard in order to feel at home in their bodies.
Hijas Americanas: Beauty, Body Image, and Growing Up Latina, by Rosie Molinary. $15.95, 1-58005-189-8. Reaching out to a growing “new majority,” Hijas Americanas highlights for the first time the nuances, complexities, and challenges of Latina femininity, sexuality, beauty and body image.
Hungry for More: A Keeping-It-Real Guide for Black Women on Weight and Body Image, by Robyn McGee. $13.95, 1-58005-149-9. A straightforward book addressing the obesity epidemic in the black community and the author’s own story of her sister’s death from gastric bypass surgery.
Loaded: Women and Addiction, by Jill Talbot. $14.95, 1-58005-218-5. A poignant, gut-wrenching memoir of one woman’s complicated relationship with multiple addictions.
The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women, by Jessica Valenti. $24.95, 1-58005-253-3. With her usual balance of intelligence and wit, Valenti presents a powerful argument that girls and women, even in this day and age, are overly valued for their sexuality—and that this needs to stop.
Purge
REHAB DIARIES
Copyright © 2009 by Nicole Johns
Published by
Seal Press
A Member of Perseus Books Group
1700 Fourth Street
Berkeley, California
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without written permission from the publisher, except by reviewers who may quote brief excerpts in connection with a review.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Johns, Nicole.
Purge : rehab diaries / Nicole Johns.
p. cm.
eISBN : 978-1-580-05274-0
1. Johns, Nicole—Health. 2. Eating disorders—Patients—United States—Biography. 3. Eating disorders—Patients—Services for—United States. I. Title.
RC552.E18J64 2009
362.196’85260092—dc22
[B]
2008041319
The information contained in this book is for general interest only. The author is not a physician, and no information found here should be used for medical purposes—diagnostically, therapeutically, or as a substitute for the advice provided by your own medical professional. In order to respect the privacy of individuals mentioned in this book, the author has changed their names.