by T L Dasha
Then he released me, letting his hands linger on my shoulders.
“I-- I’m sorry.” He cut himself off and broke eye contact again. “I overstepped my bounds. I… I shouldn’t have done that. I just-- I couldn’t listen to you put yourself down any longer.”
“It’s okay.” I squeaked, barely audible over the thoughts bombarding my mind.
“It’s not okay.” He shook his head again, biting his lower lip. “I let my emotions get the best of me.”
“It seems like that happens to all of us every now and again.” I smiled under my breath.
“I should have spoken to you about this sooner. I was just…” He lifted his hand, and tucked a curl behind my ear.
“… Afraid?”
“Petrified.”
“It was my fault too. I mean, I left without even giving you the chance to explain. Or well, I left without even knowing it was you there with me.”
“That certainly didn’t help matters.” He tried to fight the upturn in his lips, but he wasn’t entirely successful. He stepped away, taking a seat behind his desk to build a comfortable distance between us again.
I took a deep breath.
“If we have to get a divorce, I don’t want anything from you. You don’t have to worry about a lawsuit or anything. I won’t drag your name through the tabloids either.” I searched his expression, recalling all of my dad’s messiest divorces. Recalling the anger I felt as he lost the family business. Recalling even the hurt in Trevor’s eyes as he had recounted the drama with their parents. It wasn’t a hurt I wanted to inflict on another person.
“No need.” He pulled a paper from a manila folder on his desk. “We didn’t sign anything. The marriage wasn’t real. I verified this morning.” Aaron wasn’t smiling. It should have been good news, but he didn’t look relieved. “I spent this whole week torturing myself on how to approach this, but at the end of the day, all we did was buy some nice rings and play a game.”
It was a little more than a game. I couldn’t help being offended by the notion. I walked over to his desk and looked at the print out. We hadn’t opted for a package with a marriage license. Just the marriage ‘experience.’
As his words echoed through my mind, I realized I was standing in the same spot that Maria had been the day before. The thought alone made my skin crawl. It was just a game. How was I going to continue this confession?
“I guess that’s good for you and Maria.” I spoke without emotion. Perhaps I had just run out of emotion.
He looked startled.
“Maria? I almost forgot about her. I didn’t realize you two had met.”
I wanted him to deny their involvement, but that was wishful thinking. He would sooner break my heart than lie to me.
“She invited me on a double date this morning.”
“Right.” He put a hand to his forehead and rubbed his temples. “Conner, you have to understand that this arrangement isn’t simple. Maria is our largest investor’s daughter. She’s the woman my father chose for me.”
“O-of course, sir.” I nodded my head in a bow, letting myself slip back into ‘Jake the desk clerk and nothing more.’ “She’s very beautiful. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of your work.” I took my first step back toward the door. “So, I guess I can still go with Trevor. If that’s what you want…”
“Is that what you want?” He was watching my expression closely.
“I…”
What did I want? Why did this piece of paper make my stomach churn? Had I wanted our marriage to be real? Was there some corner of my mind that had been excited about this possibility?
No. That wasn’t me. I still didn’t believe in marriage. Whether the wedding was real or not didn’t make a difference. The only thing that made a difference was whether those feelings that had gotten us into that chapel were real. And that the feelings that got me in his bed were real. But if I pleaded with him to give me a chance, would he just think I was desperate? That I was pathetic?
But that feeling in my chest, and that tingling over my whole body told me everything I needed to know about my own feelings. I hated to admit that I was drawn to Aaron.
But I was single. He wasn’t. And that’s as far as it could go.
“I don’t know what I want anymore.” My cool, reasonable self had dropped out of my voice. “It’s not like I really have a choice anyways. You pushed me on Trevor, and you’re with Maria.”
“Conner.”
“I wish my sober mind was as articulate and confident as my drunk one was.” I laughed ironically. “But I understand that what happened in Vegas was a mistake. No, not even a mistake-- it was a ‘game.’”
“Conner, please. You don’t--“
“I don’t what? Understand? Why you would pick a girl with beauty and money and social status over me?”
“I’m not picking her over you. This is a business. And marriage is a business transaction.” His expression was pained as he said it, but it didn’t stop him from saying it. “I went on a single date with her-- that I got tricked into no less. If I thought it was at all appropriate to be with you, I--“
He cut himself short.
“Is it inappropriate because I’m a man? Or is it inappropriate because I can’t even afford the gas to commute to work.”
He looked at me, searching his mind for words. I wasn’t feeling patient enough to let him find them anymore.
“Were you also just conducting a business transaction when you took me to your room?” I was so mad. I couldn’t stop myself. I should have stepped away to calm down, but rational thought was no longer invited to the discussion. “Am I just providing you a fucking service?”
“I…” His ordinarily perfectly tanned complexion fell several shades lighter. “Conner, I know that we--”
“I can’t do this.”
“Calm down. Let’s talk about this.” He stood up from his desk, and moved around it to console me. But I pushed him away, recreating a few feet of distance between us.
“I don’t think I want to talk anymore.”
“Conner, I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too.” I refused to look him in the eye. “I’m sorry you had to marry someone so ‘inappropriate’.”
“No. That’s not what I meant.”
“And I’m sorry I was so naïve.”
“Conner, stop. You have to listen to me.” He had a stern expression, as if he was scolding an employee. Someone below him.
“I quit.” I crumbled up the paper and threw it at him. It felt as satisfying as it did childish. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“You’re being ridiculous. I know you can’t mean that.” He kept his composure far better than I could. He shook his head. “You’re taking everything the wrong way.”
“Then how exactly am I supposed to take it the right way?”
He looked like a deer in the headlights, trying to figure out what to say next. Trying to figure out how he could twist his words in his favor, I’m sure. I was done listening to his diplomacy and duty and professionalism.
“That’s what I thought.” I turned and stormed out of the room. He called after me, but I didn’t have the energy left to listen. There was a moment in that conversation where I honestly thought he might love me. That it wasn’t a mistake at all.
But the only thing Aaron Craig loves is his job. His image. His family name.
I wasn’t about to stand there and listen to him explain why I’d never be good enough. I didn’t need that right now. I said what I needed to say. My conscience was clear. All that was left was to go home and lock myself in my room with movies and ice cream until the world didn’t feel so dark anymore.
I walked to my desk and knocked my name plate into the trash can before gathering my things. I hadn’t actually planned to quit today, but in light of everything, it seemed like the only logical choice. I had tried to make something happen in San Francisco for four years already. Maybe this whole fiasco was doing me a favor. Maybe this wa
s the catalyst I needed to move on.
Taking a seat at the bus stop felt colder than usual. I kept half expecting Aaron to come chasing after me-- denouncing his family fortune in favor of some fairy tale notion of love.
“Let’s run away where no one can find us, Conner!” He would tell me. And I’d jump into his arms, and we’d fly away to a deserted island somewhere. We’d open a beachside coffee shop, living out our days with perfect weather and our combined business skills, dancing every night until our feet hurt, listening to the ocean waves.
I laughed at the thought-- that kind of laugh that comes from the moment where everything hurts so badly and feels so over the top painful, it’s crossed over from being tragic to ridiculous. The next bus wouldn’t be here for fifteen more minutes. This was going to be a long morning.
Chapter 12
Trevor Craig
“Where’s Jake? Did he get sick again?” I stood across from Aaron in the hallway at the close of our first set of meetings, watching him closely, looking for some semblance of a social cue. He may as well have been a robot when clients were involved, but he had never been able to hide his emotions from me. I can only assume he was well aware of this fact, as he had been avoiding me the entire morning. Considering he must have seen Jake a couple hours ago, he had to be filling up with some kind of emotion.
Heartbreak, maybe. Not sure even I would wish that on him right now though.
“He…” Aaron looked away from me and started walking. He paused long enough that I could safely assume that was the end of show and tell.
“Did he talk to you this morning?”
“Yes…”
“And?” Apparently I was going to have to pull some teeth here.
“And you’ll be happy to know that you don’t have to have a baby sitter anymore.”
“I’m not sure that’s news I’m particularly happy about but… okay? And what does that mean exactly?”
“He quit.”
He what?! That wasn’t at all what I wanted to hear. Aaron took a turn at the end of the hall, heading toward his office, no longer paying me any mind. I scurried to catch up.
“What do you mean he quit? What the hell happened? I was prepared to have to suck up happily-ever-after puppy love Aaron. Not this bull shit.”
My increasingly frustrating little brother glanced around before waving me into his office. I followed.
“So what, you told him you loved him, and he just up and quit?” I pondered for a moment on how awkward it must be when my brother tries to act sweet. I might have come to a similar conclusion. Aaron walked behind his desk and sat down, letting his face fall into his hands. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me anymore.
“I think this marriage was real as real for him as it was for me.”
“So he loves you?” The words seemed to be getting caught in my throat. This should be a good thing. I should be happy for him.
“ I told him it would be inappropriate for me to pursue him.”
“That’s....”
“Then he quit.”
“So he’s gone…” I had to say the words aloud to process them. They still weren’t sinking in.
“Perhaps this whole situation is a twisted form of karma.”
He kept talking, but nothing he said was registering. I mean, of course he loved him. Or he at least thought he did. I knew that. Of course I knew that. I was new to this whole mess-- who knows what kind of relationship they’ve had up until now. I couldn’t be mad that I had lost before the fame even began. But I couldn’t be mad about that. This was something I had to accept. And this is my brother we’re talking about, making a decision that might affect every image he holds dear.
“You have nothing to say about that? You always have something to say.” Aaron looked up at me as if small cracks were splintering down his poker face, threatening to give at any moment. As much as I enjoyed tormenting him, seeing him this broken wasn’t particularly satisfying.
“I don’t…” What was I supposed to say? You fucked up? You’re an idiot? That wasn’t going to help anything. “Where is he now?”
“I don’t know.”
“You didn’t chase after him? You just let him leave?”
He looked at me, stunned, as if the thought hadn’t even occurred to him. Un-fucking-believable. He shook his head.
“What was I supposed to do? Lock him in my office until he calmed down enough to let me explain my side? Obviously he needed space, so yes, I let him go.”
“His husband just told him it was inappropriate to keep seeing him. He doesn’t need space. He needs someone to hold him together.” And now I was pissed. I understand he isn’t the most emotionally savvy person in the world, but there was no world where that was acceptable.
“I’m not his husband.”
“What?”
“It was just a show. We held a ceremony, but we didn’t opt for actual marriage certificates. I would have been shocked if they let us sign one in the state we must have been in.”
“Did you tell him that, too?”
“I wanted to give him a choice. I didn’t want him to feel trapped with…”
“With you?”
“Yeah.”
I let out a deep sigh. I wouldn’t say that justified his reaction, but at least I could follow his thought process.
“I can’t even legitimately call you an asshole. Clueless, for sure. But I get it.” I turned to leave his office. “I’ll fix this. Not for you, but for him.”
“I’m sorry, Trevor.”
I shut the door behind me and let it all sink in. Where do I even start here? They’re not really married, so I guess that’s a good thing. But he had fallen for my brother, too… which is way more serious.
Sigh. No time to think about that right now. I made a quick step to the lobby.
“Sidney! Good to see you again.” The portly blond woman sat in Jake’s seat, helping a customer check in. I wasn’t in the mood to wait for her to finish. “Can you get me an address. I need to find Jake Conner.”
“I’m sorry sir, I can’t give out that information.” She responded without missing a beat.
“Not even for me?” I leaned over the desk, and ran a hand through my hair, giving her my most alluring bedroom eyes.
“Not even for you, sir.” She turned back to her customer and finished checking him in. I must be losing my edge. I waited, impatiently tapping my finger on the desk until we were alone, and addressed her again.
“Fine, but would you do it for Ben and his buddies?” I glanced around, as I nonchalantly slipped her $600-- all I had in my wallet. She took the cash and pocketed it.
“I’ll give you his bus route, but that’s all I can do. I need this job.” She whispered, highlighting a start and stop on a printout. Annoying. But I’ll make it work.
“Thank you, Sidney.”
“Happy to be of service, Mr. Craig.”
I pushed through the revolving door onto the street, and began walking the couple blocks to the bus stop. I’m a resourceful guy. I’m sure I can figure out what building a guy like him might live in. And if I couldn’t, I’d just knock on every door until I did. Easy.
As I approached the bus stop, my search got even easier. Jake Conner sat on the bench, his cheek pressed into a bus stop movie poster, his coat wrapped around his body, and his eyes resting peacefully. His nose was red and dripping, as if he had cried himself to sleep while waiting for his ride home.
Oh, baby brother, why are you so awkward.
I sat next to him on the bench, then leaned in, careful not to get too close. Then I blew into his ear.
“Oh my god!” Jake jumped, hitting his forehead into mine in the process. I immediately recoiled in pain.
“Ah, shit-- watch where you’re panicking!”
“Who does that?!” He paused, his fingers coiled in little fists, covering his mouth, as if to form a barrier between himself and the outside world. I watched with amusement as his eyes searched my face. Adorabl
e. “What are you doing here?” He finally let himself exhale.
“You know how it goes. The limo is in the shop, so I gotta do what I can.”
“That makes sense.” He nodded, settling in next to me. His face flushed as he used the palm of his hand to try to wipe away his runny nose. It only made it worse, but I wasn’t going to be the one to tell him that.
I put an arm around his shoulder and pulled him close to me.
“Rough day?”
“Rough day…”
“I heard you aren’t going to be my little gopher anymore.”
“I don’t think I ever had any chance of keeping you out of trouble anyways.” He laughed despite himself, his voice breaking under his words. His eyes were still red, completely exhausted of their tear supply.
“I don’t know-- you got me to sit through some pretty horrendous dinners. I’m almost surprised by how good my behavior has been, really.”
“That’s what you call good behavior?!”
“It’s easier to impress people if you never let anyone set their standards too high.” I smiled, ruffling his hair, then resting my chin on top of his head. He fit perfectly against my shoulder.
Fuck. Was I really going to give him to my brother?
“You hungry?” I spoke, closing my eyes to better focus on the way it felt to have him resting against me.
“A little bit.” His stomach growled loudly as if in argument.
He moved away and looked up at me, embarrassed. We both laughed.
“I know a place by my apartment.” He spoke with endearing excitement.
“My treat.”
The bus showed up as if on cue, and the door folded open. I hesitated for a moment as I examined the space in front of me. Is that gum? I hope that’s just gum. Those hand rails look filthy.