by J. J. Franck
Avery was not looking forward to the next phase of her treatment. Surgery had always been out of the question considering the location of the tumor, and Chemo and radiation were not the quality of life she wanted for her last days. These were serious decisions for such a young person to have to make, but in the past few months, she never made any of these choices lightly. Always weighing her options carefully.
Avery slowly walked out of the alley onto McDougal, she was startled by the noise coming from the side of the building. Noises lately seemed to be amplified since her diagnosis, and she didn’t know if this was caused by the location of the tumor or her subconscious being keenly aware of her surroundings. Avery quickly turned, relieved to see a cat in the trash but annoyed none the less because, in reality, it sounded more like a steam truck barreling down along side her.
Avery walked down the street careful not to get in anyone’s way, for fear of losing her balance. A few times she stopped and glanced in store windows. Avery pretended to be interested in what was inside, but in fact only using these little pauses to rest and catch her breath because even the short walk to work was becoming troublesome. Once she was more in control, she turned and walked over to the curb. Before crossing the street to Washington Square Park, she stopped at the corner café. Avery needed to collect herself and just hung onto the windowsill gazing at the patrons inside.
This annoyed a few people sitting on the other side of the widow who were busy eating their breakfast. In reality, Avery saw nothing, as everything was a blur. She took a few quick breaths and then turned and hurried on her way. Glancing at her watch, Avery knew she would actually be early for work. Lately, she liked to get to her office before anyone else made it in. This allowed her to avoid most of her co-workers and the chitchat that always followed first thing in the morning.
As yet no one at the Bobst Library was aware of her health issues, and she meant to keep it that way for as long as it took. Working at the library was a job she enjoyed, and she didn’t want anyone’s sympathy or to be forced to take a leave of absence because this was not something that was going to get better. Avery worked there part time while in college and then when she got her masters degree in Statistics she was offered the position that opened up as Adjunct Quantitative Data Specialist. And she was fortunate too that her mother’s friend was subletting her apartment on McDougal Alley just a few blocks from the library during that same period of time. That was just shy of two years ago, and Avery was thankful that she had that period of time of independence. But there was just so much more she would have liked to do with her life. Travel to all the places she had only read about up until now. But that was not an option anymore.
Avery carefully stepped off the curb and crossed Washington Square North and entered the park. Walking through the park, Avery glanced up at the trees and was amazed at the beautiful fall colors. She used to enjoy coming there as a student years earlier. But lately there was no time to enjoy the simple things in life. Everything was a struggle, and Avery found it difficult to relax and enjoy the things she used to.
Since getting the job at Bobst Library, the park was a place she enjoyed on her breaks, but since being on the medicines, she became sensitive to direct sunlight, so her time in the park was limited to walking to and from work. The trees swayed in a symphony that was harmoniously in motion. The patchworks of leaves swirled in front of her sent a chill up her spine. Fall had always been her favorite time of year, even though it meant an end of life to the green around her. This year it had a symbolic meaning as she also was in the autumn of her life. But she would not have it any other way. She missed the idea that she would never marry or have a child. Then again maybe there would be an afterlife. She had never given much thought to that before but now clung to it. Avery wondered what it would be like when the time came, and she took her last breath, and her thoughts would cease to exist. Would anything be waiting for her at the end?
Would there be an afterlife, a place her spirit could go to and get reassigned to another body? Would she hover over her body and see the people mourn their loss, she hoped not. But if there was an afterlife, a sort of limbo, Avery only wished she had better luck with the next body. She was curious if there was a choice given to the gender. There were so many disadvantages to the female body. Avery only hoped that given a choice, she could come back as a male. Avery laughed to herself thinking how absurd it was that she was thinking and planning her next life as if she would have a choice in the matter.
Avery walked up to the fountain in the center of the park near the statue of General Giuseppe Garibaldi. Early on in one of her English classes, she wrote a paper on the 19th-century Italian patriot who crusaded for a unified Italy during the European era of state building. She was proud of the fact she got and A on that paper and every time she passed it now, she thought about all the accomplishments of the General. As Avery continued on, she walked up to the fountain, looked down into the water, but all that reflected back at her was her sorrowful reflection between the leaves that floated on the surface. Quickly she ran her fingers through the water causing ripples, distorting what she saw. Because in reality her whole life had been changed by a small growth in a delicate area of the brain that made it inoperable.
It was the footstep coming up the path that caused her to turn. She normally had the park mostly to herself that early in the morning because classes were not quite in session yet. It was too cool for studying, and visitors to the city enjoyed the bigger park in the center of the city more.
Avery turned quickly surprised to see Nathaniel Roth that early in the morning. He appeared somewhat in distress, his shoulder length hair uncombed more so than usual. It looked as if he literally slept in his clothes. His jeans were dirty. His shirt had a rip in the sleeve. Routinely his parents sent someone around once a week to collect his dirty laundry. But given how he looked, Avery doubted anyone had bothered with Nathaniel for a while now.
Avery hadn’t realized Nathaniel had been vacant from her life. In fact, she had been so busy with doctor appointments and trying to maintain her work schedule, in all actuality it had been a few months since seeing him last.
But seeing him now, Avery could tell his mental state had been in deterioration more so since the last time she saw him. Nathaniel had been in a couple of her classes when she was a student, and she managed to get in a few of his study groups. He was shy and avoided most communication outside of what they were studying. She was always impressed with his ability to remember everything he read or heard. Avery felt sorry when she heard about his breakdown. And always tried to have a friendly word to say to him, so he knew he had an ally to turn to if need be.
“Good Morning Nathaniel,” Avery said in a non-threatening way, so as not to alarm the young man.
She had felt sad for him, as others avoided him fearing they could possibly catch what afflicted him. It was that ignorance about mental health issues that caused people not to seek the help for people they knew who had issues.
Nathaniel stopped in mid stride and just stared at Avery for the longest time. It took a few moments for him to register who interrupted his thought process. It was as if he had to stay focused on making it through the park. Putting one foot in front of the other, so as not to step on any of the leaves or cracks, for fear of breaking his mother’s back.
A lot of the college students made fun of Nathaniel, not realizing the true nature of his problem. It was not drug induced as most assumed was the cause. Nathaniel’s parents were high-achieving Walls Street types and demanded the same from their son. All through the years, Nathaniel was able to live up to their dreams, but for some unknown reason his senior year he cracked under the pressure of excellence. It started simple enough when he got a ‘B’ in one of his classes because the professor wanted to prove a point, not realizing how this would affect Nathaniel’s fragile state of mind. Given Nathaniel turned in an error proof term paper that dispelled his professor’s once popular theory on a thesis he wrote
to get his tenure. This same professor decided it was his payback to Nathaniel because he felt Nathaniel was an upstart student who he wanted to put in his place. Not realizing the ramifications of his actions or how it caused the mental breakdown. It may have sounded trivial to most, but a line in the sand had been drawn, and clearly, this threw Nathaniel over a cliff into an abyss of despair.
Nathaniel rubbed his right hand on his left arm nervously as if he had an itch. His eyes stopped suddenly and just stared down in front of him as he avoided eye contact with Avery altogether. And then he looked up, glanced from side to side as if to catch someone watching him.
Nathaniel started to mumble something almost inaudible. Avery leaned forward to hear what he was saying.
“The weak will inherit the earth,” Nathaniel whispered hardly audible for Avery to understand.
Avery tried to make eye contact with Nathaniel, but the harder she tried. The more he avoided her gaze. All she could do was respond to his remark. Knowing full well not to antagonize or disagree with anything he said.
“That’s nice,” she remarked in a soft, caring voice. She knew it was wise not to come across confrontational with Nathaniel although no one ever said he was ever violent.
Nathaniel continued rubbing his arm while avoiding eye contact. He raised his head slightly and glanced around nervously. Then he suddenly looked up with wide eye wonderment.
“Did you see the cosmic disturbance last night?” he asked. With this new revelation, he quickly looked up into the sky as if searching but then looked down again when seeing nothing.
Avery was somewhat surprised by this sudden disclosure. “No, I missed it,” was all she could manage to say.
Avery had been too busy that morning and now wondered if by chance Nathaniel had viewed the Northern Lights, but living in the city that seemed impossible. Yet there were people who when the phenomenon happened sought out roof tops of the city to watch the colorful display in the north. But given Nathaniel’s mental state she highly doubted that was what he was talking about.
“The sun spots were reaching out for me,” Nathaniel said, as his arms suddenly stretched out mimicking what he was saying. His fingers grabbing at the thin air between them.
Avery was a little uncomfortable with the way Nathaniel looked and what he said. “Surely you don’t think,” she started to say but suddenly stopped when Nathaniel quickly grabbed hold of her arm and pulled her closer to him.
“The arm of God reaches all who listen.”
Avery struggled to break free of Nathaniel’s grip and once free she stepped back a moment. “You’re speaking metaphorically, aren’t you Nathaniel?” she asked.
Nathaniel grabbed hold of Avery’s arm again and held her tight as he pulled her closer to the statue of Garibaldi. “There’s only one way to escape,” he said in a way that scared Avery. She had never seen him so agitated as she struggled to free herself from his hold on her, but he held firm. Given her weakened state, she found herself struggling to control the situation, but unable to break free of Nathaniel’s grip.
Unseen by both of them was the fact they were being observed. Kirt McCauley, a young undercover narcotics cop had been watching the two ever since Avery entered the park. He had seen Avery walk through the park every morning for the past month. He had been somewhat intrigued by her serious persona. He even watched her as she went about her business at the library. But being an undercover cop, it was clear he had to keep his distance for fear of blowing his cover. This was the first time he saw the strange young man and now was concerned for the young woman’s safety. Kirt slowly moved closer to the two in the event the space cadet attempted to harm the young woman. He just stood behind a shrub near the fountain and waited and just watched their interaction for now.
Avery stared at Nathaniel for the longest time, she gave no indication she feared the young man who had a hold of her arm. Avery finally leaned forward and tried to look up into Nathaniel’s face to make him aware of who she was. But for some reason she was not able to connect with his thought process, it was as if nothing was registering in the young man's brain. Finally, Avery took hold of Nathaniel’s other arm and then stepped in front of him and forced him to look at her.
“What are you talking about?” Avery asked, with all the insistence she could muster up. Avery knew she had to be firm with Nathaniel, yet non-threatening.
“The end is near. The world as we know it is gone.”
Nathaniel was talking gibberish again. That’s why no one ever paid attention to him. There were times he made sense but most days he came across as a real mental case who escaped from the institution, and today was one of those days.
Avery was thankful it was she he was talking to because if he pulled this on any of the students, she was sure the authorities would have been called. She had heard Nathaniel had spent some time at Riker’s Island where shock treatment had been given, but it only made Nathaniel’s situation worse. It took weeks for his parents to figure out where he was. That was last year, and since then Nathaniel had kept a low profile, or so Avery thought.
“What?” was all Avery could manage to say as she continued to try to free her arm from his grip. It was getting to the point that Nathaniel was hurting her and she was now getting concerned for her safety.
“Come with me,” he said, “please while there is still time.”
Kirt was about to intervene, but that meant blowing his cover, and he knew it was important not to make his presence known. But then he saw Avery break free from the young man’s grip. Kirt stepped in back of a tree and just continued to observe the two.
“I’m late for work,” Avery said as she stepped away from Nathaniel. “I can’t go with you.”
Nathaniel tried to step in front of Avery, but she was quicker and stepped out of his reach. A look of dejection and disappointment crossed Nathaniel’s face. It was as if he wanted to cry. He tried to talk, to explain himself but the words just would not come. And then with a look of desperation, he glanced around nervously before turning back to Avery.
“But you have to listen,” Nathaniel pleaded.
Normally Nathaniel wasn’t confrontational, but for some unknown reason, he appeared different today. He was more vocal also. Avery suspected she would see him in the library later so she didn’t want to antagonize him for fear he may make a scene in the library. All she could do was raise her hands for him to stop.
“I’ll talk to you later today when I have time.”
Kirt had had it and didn’t want to be a passive observer to an assault. When Nathaniel finally let Avery pass and continue her walk to the library, Kirt stopped his approach on the two and just stood and watched.
“I wrote NASA,” Nathaniel said as his hands flew up in the air watching Avery walk away. “I told them my theory.”
Avery just rolled her eyes. She didn’t want to hurt Nathaniel’s feelings yet didn’t have the time to spend talking to him. Her problem thus far with Nathaniel, was that she always took time in the past to listen to what he had to say. In so doing that, Avery just encouraged him to seek her out more when he was on one of his tangents. And today she feared that he was off his Meds because when that happened, he tended to be irrational in his behavior. Avery wondered now possibly his parents would have to step in to manage his care.
She laughed to herself thinking how Nathaniel in all actuality paralleled her own dilemma with her parents. The two were both at a turning point where their parents may have to step in and care for their children because of their inability to care for themselves. That was a sad fact that Avery was still coming to terms with.
“If this is about your gravatron machine, I don’t have time to talk to you about it today. I’m already late for work.”
Avery quickly stepped around Nathaniel. As she did that she reached into her purse and pulled out a five-dollar bill. She took Nathaniel’s hand and tucked the bill in his cold palm and closed his fingers around the money.
“You get some
thing to eat, promise me. And promise me you will take your medications.”
“But,” he started to say but then stopped. He knew it was useless to argue.
“No buts, promise me,” Avery pleaded.
“There’s so little time left,” Nathaniel said almost in tears as he fidgeted nervously. He shook his head. “So much to do.”
“I’ll talk to you later, now get something to eat and take your Meds,” Avery said glancing at her watch. “I have to go now.”
Avery rushed off down the path leaving Nathaniel standing with a bewildered look on his face. Avery felt sorry for him but didn’t have the time today to deal with him. At this point in her life, she couldn’t save the world. Avery was having a hard enough time trying to save herself.
Nathaniel slowly started to walk off in the opposite direction with a look on his face like he didn’t know what he should do next. He kept mumbling to himself, a student walking up the path just looked up at him and then stepped off the path to avoid Nathaniel altogether. Nathaniel’s hand opened up and dropped the five-dollar bill on the path and continued walking with a dejected look on his face while still mumbling.
Kirt realized Nathaniel was just a homeless space cadet and continued watching him as he neared the statue of the General. Once he was in front of it, he suddenly turned around and faced the statue. Nathaniel stood erect and saluted the General and then hurried off down the path.
Kirt decided to follow Avery for some reason. He had seen her every day now for the past few weeks, and with every passing day, he noticed she seemed not at all healthy, yet she still made the trek to work every day. He had wanted to ask his superiors about enlisting the aid of the library worker, but given the delicate nature of his undercover operation, they feared that feasibly no one was to be trusted. Not even a lowly library worker for fear they might also be involved in the illicit selling of drugs. How else could the network of drug selling have gone on so long without detection? This was a theory that Kirt didn’t buy into given what he saw the past few weeks, but he wasn’t in charge. So he had to listen to the higher ups in the hopes that in the end they would catch the people giving the orders and stop the trafficking of drugs into the city that cause so many young people their lives.