by J. J. Franck
It angered her that because of her situation with the dizzy spell they left early, possibly ruining Kirt’s undercover operation for the day. Avery hoped it was only a temporary setback. She also feared the officer who had been on duty would pass along to Kirt what had just transpired. She didn’t want to have to explain to him her medical condition, but then she had little hope of really seeing him again anyway. And for that matter he may not even care about her and was only being nice to her that noon in the hopes of gaining information. After all, he only followed her to the café in order to find out if she knew what was in the note she handed those men. Now that it was established she didn’t know anything, he may not even approach her again.
* * *
Avery had a difficult time finishing up her shift at the library. In the end she didn’t have the energy to finish stocking the last cart of books she had. Tomorrow would be a new day and she would go in early and get it done before Mona was the wiser that all books weren’t shelved for the day.
Avery had a difficult time making her way back to her apartment. For some reason the pills were just not kicking in that day. She found it difficult to focus and the dizzy spells were getting worse. Granted her work at the library wasn’t that strenuous but given her medical condition it was becoming increasingly difficult to stay focused on tasks that a few months earlier required no thought whatsoever. Plus the fact she was becoming more fatigued with every day that passed. It took all her energy to concentrate on simple tasks that she should have completed without much effort. Even the numbers and the alphabet were becoming a problem when sorting books in sequence.
Avery understood now that it was only a matter of time when she would have to be honest with herself and face the fact that life as she once knew it was no more. It was a decision she had not been looking forward to making. And as much as she didn’t want to depend on her parents to care for her during her last days, it was fast becoming a reality now.
Once Avery turned the corner onto McDougal Alley she hurried to the sanctity of the brownstone in the center of the alley and struggled up the three flights of stairs. Out of breath, it took all her strength to find her keys and open her door. Avery only hoped after resting, she would feel better, but knew life was never going to get any better for her.
As the door opened, all she could do was drop her purse and then feel her way to the couch fearing she would collapse at any moment. Once Avery plopped down on the couch, she leaned back and shut her eyes, staying in that position for a good half hour until the feeling of exhaustion subsided somewhat. Avery knew that for her own well being she had to eat something if she wanted the weakness to go away and sitting on the couch was not going to get her body the nourishment that it so needed. And the little she had for lunch was not enough to sustain her.
Slowly Avery got up and walked over to the little kitchenette off in the corner. She quickly took the container of cottage cheese from the fridge along with the Greek yogurt. It wasn’t much, but it would be enough to take the edge off an empty stomach, at least until the queasy feeling she had had all afternoon subsided. Foods she once enjoyed were now a struggle to consume. Avery sat on the stool next to the counter and slowly forced herself to eat after taking her evening pills. For the longest time she just sat there looking around waiting for her body to tell her it was okay to move.
Finally Avery could take it no longer. She got up and walked over to the window and pulled the curtains. The evening sun was exceptionally bright and bothersome. But that queasy uneasy feeling that started after lunch just wouldn’t leave. She could feel it coming now in the back corners of her throat. Her stomach churned as it fought the urge to expel the food she ate earlier. Avery didn’t know if it was the pills or the food that made her feel this way.
The chime of the doorbell startled her for a moment as she quickly glanced at the clock. Avery wasn’t expecting anyone and all she really wanted right then was to be left alone, but the persistent ringing indicated that was not meant to be. Avery took a few deep breaths and then slowly walked over to the door, she glanced through the door peephole, and her heart sank further when seeing her mother patiently waiting on the other side.
Claire Sinclair had that look on her face that she had ever since Avery told her parents the news a few months earlier. There was nothing she could do but stand by and watch the tumor eat away at the cherished life she brought into this world.
As a youth, Avery’s mother had always been there to make things right for her daughter. If she skinned her knee, a quick spray with an antiseptic, a cartoon bandage, and a warm hug were enough to make it all right. Whenever she had problems in school, her mother spent extra hours tutoring her until she got the concept and her grades improved. The diagnosis she received was outside the realm of a parent’s ability to make better or make it go away altogether. It was that fact that was tearing at her mother’s heart. Claire wanted to take care of her child in the only way a mother knew how, but the actual reality was the fact there was nothing she could physically do. Standing by and letting the decease ravage Avery’s body was intolerable for the woman. It was difficult watching the once vibrant child she raised, having a tumor suck the spark of life out of that body.
Avery slowly opened the door. Claire quickly stepped into the room, she turned to Avery and without so much as a how do you do she pointed an accusing finger at her daughter but for some reason the words just wouldn’t come just yet. Avery just walked up to her mother and took her in her arms and let Claire explode into tears. This had been a scene that had gone on for a while now, ever since the diagnosis. Avery knew in time her mother would have to accept the inevitable, but for now it was just a wait and see game. Avery purposely avoided talking about the difficulties of getting through the day for fear her parents would force her into a decision she was not yet ready to make. In time Avery knew it would come to that, but for now she wanted some semblance of life, no matter the price she paid.
“I’ve been leaving messages for you all day,” Claire snapped and then pointed an accusing finger at Avery like she was her little schoolgirl with a bad grade and then continued. “Why haven’t you called?”
“Good evening, mother,” Avery said and then forced a smile. “How was your day?”
“Don’t condescend me, young lady!” Claire snapped and then walked away trying to hide the fact she had been crying all day.
Finally, Claire stopped by the window, stood there for the longest time and then turned and just stared at Avery for the longest time. In that moment she realized how this was not the time to argue with Avery. But it angered her no less how callous Avery had been about the prognosis of her illness. She could feasibly opt for the surgery that could prolong things. But Avery made it clear she wanted quality of live not quantity. Avery’s father agreed with his daughter, this was her choice, not theirs to make. Claire narrowed her eyes and pointed a finger at Avery in the hopes of turning it around on Avery.
“Don’t patronize me, young lady!” she said.
“Mother, please. I’m not a little girl any longer,” Avery said in a way so as not to anger her mother further.
“The least you can do is return my calls.”
“I would have if you had something to say.”
“I care, is that a crime?”
Claire’s lips quiver as tears stream down her cheeks. It was hard for Avery looking at her mother when she broke down like that. But every time she saw her it was a constant reminder of her illness. It was bad enough living it. She just didn’t like the reminder of it when she looked in her mother’s eyes that she technically had been given a death sentence two months ago. Avery couldn’t take it any longer as she slowly walked over to her mother
“I’m sorry,” Avery said as she took hold of her mother’s arms.
“Just don’t shut me out,” Claire said with pleading eyes.
“I don’t mean too,” Avery replied wrapping her arms around her mother. “I love you.”
Claire
sobbed uncontrollably. She had such hopes for Avery and looked forward to one day becoming a grandmother. It was hard for Claire to comprehend that she would outlive her only child. No parent should have to endure watching a child whither away while not being able to do anything about it. It had been a cruel trick that God played on her.
Avery’s father seemed to be handling the illness better than his wife. It may have been he didn’t allow anyone to see him when he broke down. He knew he had to be strong and brave for Avery and in the end for his wife. There would come a time he would have to step in and insist that Avery move back home, but for now he allowed Avery, her independence knowing full well the end was nearer than they first suspected. He had researched her tumor and where it was locate in the brain. Avery’s motor skills would be the first to go and when that happened the end would soon follow. It was not going to be an easy way to go, but all they really could do for their daughter was be there for her when she needed them most. Until then they would have to stay on the sidelines and let everything play out the best they could, in the hopes that Avery would not suffer in the end.
“I love you too,” Claire said after a long silence. “I just want to take away all the pain you’re feeling.”
Avery just shook her head. “You can’t this time.”
It was a sad fact that was hard for Avery’s mother to accept or any parent for that matter.
Claire walked over to the kitchenette for a glass of water. She glanced down into the garbage and saw the discarded cottage cheese and yogurt containers.
“Is that all you had to eat.”
“Mother please, don’t start harping on me.”
Claire turned to Avery with concern. “Well, you have to keep up your strength. That’s hardly enough for you to exist on.”
Avery walked over to her mother and pulled her into the living room. Avery sat down on the couch followed by her mother. Avery took hold of her mother’s hand and patted it gently while trying to put on a brave front.
“I’m doing fine,” Avery said. “I’ll order some Chinese takeout later.”
“But I worry that you aren’t taking care of yourself. I want to spend more time with you.” Claire said while looking pleadingly at Avery.
“This isn’t going to do either of us any good.”
“I’ll never know your children,” she said and then wiped away the tears. “It’s just not fair.”
“That’s the last thing on my mind right now.” Avery said as she laughed thinking how absurd it seemed that her mother thought more about the grandchildren she was loosing rather than the daughter that was going to be lost to her forever. But then Avery knew her mother, she was the type person who planned everything in life and Avery’s illness was something no parent could ever have planned for.
“You’ll never know the love of a good man.”
“Ma, please,” Avery snapped while shaking her head.
This was just too much. Avery was getting angry with her mother and all she was dwelling on. It was one thing to focus on her limited time, it was another to stress over things that could never be. Avery didn’t need to be reminded that in the short time she had left she would never meet the love of her life, let alone have children. It was something she promised herself not to think about, and now to listen to her mother, as that’s all she could talk about, instead of trying to make her last days more comfortable. That was one of the reasons she didn’t want to move back home and let her parents take control over her care.
Avery didn’t need to be constantly reminded of all the things she would never get to do or have. What she wanted was to fill each day with as much living as possible. But in reality there was no manual on how best to prepare for death. Avery had been living each day the best she knew how. But in reality all she was doing was surviving.
“I just want it all to go away,” Claire said as a tear rolled down her cheek.
Avery looked at her mother and couldn’t believe what she was saying. Her illness wasn’t something that could be stopped or somehow be miraculously cured.
“There’s nothing I can do about the hand God dealt me.”
“You could go see another specialist,” Claire argued.
Avery was not going to get into another argument with her mother over a second or third opinion. They had been through that before. If Avery chose the surgical route she feasibly could become paralyzed for the rest of her life. She didn’t want that for herself or her parents. Granted she would be alive, but what kind of life would that be for her, or her parents who would be straddled with her care for however long it took for Avery to die.
In reality, Avery had chosen to live out her last days with quality. She would have to endure the side affects of the medicines that were trying to keep the tumor in check. But at least she would be able to continue doing the things she enjoyed doing. Going to work while being a productive member of society for as long as she possibly could. Knowing in time she would have to give it all up and succumb to the growth that invaded her body.
Avery stood there next to her mother at the window. She looked down at the alley below where a few kids played kickball in the alley. She envied them their carefree lives. Avery thought how differently she would have lived her life if she had known how short it was going to be. She always wanted to travel, but focusing on her education instead. Always figuring there would be time later. Now there was no future and she would never experience the wonders of the world that she had only studied about through the years. That was her one regret she now had. In life there are no do overs.
It was ridiculous to argue with her mother, and for her to think that Avery hadn’t sought out a second opinion on her prognosis. In actuality Avery and her father had seen two specialists since her initial diagnosis. But it wasn’t something they wanted to share with Claire given the prognosis that was given. Although Avery was an adult and was capable of making her own health care decisions she wanted her father there with her because he had always been the rock in the family. It was decided between the two not to share what the other doctors had told Avery. Maybe it was that their diagnosis was worse than her initial doctor’s prognosis. In the end, things remained the same and she just didn’t want to go over and over it with her mother. Avery finally turned to Claire.
“We went through this already,” Avery said as she stared at her mother. “The result of surgery is complete motor control loss. It’s not my idea of living.”
“But, what if,” she started to say before getting cut off by Avery.
“The doctor isn’t wrong mother. There’s no hope, so accept it,” she said as she took a deep breath before continuing. “I have,” Avery snapped finally.
Claire dabbed her eyes with a tissue. It was hard for her to have her daughter talk to her like that. But there was no arguing. Claire was fighting a losing battle and knew it all too well.
Avery stopped what she was about to say and then blurted out. “Cops are staking out the library.”
Claire just stared at Avery with her mouth open. It was due to a combination of what Avery had just said and how her daughter could change the subject without conviction as if what they had been discussing was of little significance. This revelation bothered Claire wondering if her daughter was in danger because of what she had just told her.
“How do you know?”
“One of them followed me. We had lunch.”
“Could it be dangerous?” Claire asked. She was concerned now and didn’t understand what it all meant.
Avery just crinkled her nose and then just said. “No.”
“Why did he follow you?”
Avery laughed because finally, her mother wasn’t dwelling on her illness. “Don’t get your hopes up. He just wanted some information.”
“Maybe he’s interested in you.”
Avery thought it was ridiculous of her mother to even suggest that, much less say it out loud. “For all I know he may think I’m involved in the drugs being sold at the library.”
“He wouldn’t think you were involved.”
“Why not?” Avery asked.
Her parents always had this vision of her as being their perfect little angel who never did anything wrong. But in fact that was actually how she lived her life. She wondered now if that would get her into heaven. If there was indeed a heaven, she thought. Since her diagnosis she thought often about an afterlife and was curious now what it would be like to take her final breath.
A lot of the kids Avery grew up with dabbled in drugs. But Avery always feared she would be the one who died from their first try. She didn’t want to just be another statistic or hurt her parents by letting them think they failed her. She always lived her life on a straight and narrow path of righteousness.
Avery’s mother stayed for another hour doting over her daughter before finally leaving. It was a difficult time for Avery as for the past five years she had been on her own and it took all of that time to convince her parents she was capable of taking care of herself. It was this confounded illness that put a damper on their thinking now. She was mentally and physically exhausted by the time her mother finally left for the night.
As soon as she was alone, Avery undressed and got ready to retire for the night. Avery took a book she had put off reading. When Avery first got diagnosed she wrote up a bucket list, but as the weeks progressed, she knew that many of the items on that list would never be materialized. Sleep came fast partly because of a busy day, but mostly the Meds she was taking.
CHAPTER 7
Avery woke the next morning feeling unusually well and ready to tackle a new day. After what she had gone through the day before, she feared that possibly the days would only get worse from now on. But when the alarm went off Avery felt unusually well, unlike the queasy feeling she felt first thing in the morning lately. Her headache was nonexistent. It was reminiscent of before her diagnosis and gave her the illusion that all was right with the world, at least for the moment. It was a feeling she only wished would last but knew in reality that this exuberant energy she had that morning would only be temporary. But for the moment she would enjoy it nonetheless.