by J. J. Franck
“Maybe there was nothing to say.”
That remark puzzled Jake for a moment as Avery crossed the street to the Bobst Library. Jake stopped and just stood there on the sidewalk and watched her crossing the street in between moving cars. He didn’t know what to make of Avery and felt she was holding back on something. He just couldn’t put his finger on it.
“Maybe I’ll stop by and check on you later,” Jake quickly yelled before Avery got to the other side of the street.
Avery turned to glance back at Jake. In the morning light, she saw Kirt’s smile and was taken a back by how similar the two were. In the short time Avery knew Kirt, Avery observed his mannerism, unlike any other man she had ever met before. It angered her now that she found herself daydreaming about something that could never be. All through her life, she never allowed herself to get sidetracked by any man, but now she couldn’t stop thinking about Kirt, and longing for something that was out of her reach.
“I’ve got a lot of work to do. I may not even have time for dinner,” Avery said as she glanced back at Jake for a moment and then finally turned around and walked up the path to the library entrance. There was no way she wanted to encourage Jake.
Once in the library, Avery took off her sunglasses. But the pain in her head did not ease up. All she could do was hurry over to the chairs near the information desk when her eyes started to flutter, and she felt a weakness come over her. Avery was thankful Madeline was nowhere to be seen. She was the librarian who was on duty at the information desk that morning. Avery hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone just then.
All Avery could do was take a few deep breaths and lean back on the chair, her eyes suddenly blurred over completely. Avery struggled while trying to focus on the vase on the table in front of her. She thought she saw the vision of Kirt smiling back at her, but then it was gone as quickly as it appeared. Avery glanced around the area but saw nothing. It angered her that her mind was playing tricks on her. How else could she explain what she just saw?
Avery reached into her purse and took out the pills from the pill holder. Slowly she got up from the chair and carefully maneuvered over to the water cooler. Avery popped the pills in her mouth and then took a few gulps of water to wash them down. Holding onto the water cooler, she waited until she felt confident enough to move on her own.
Avery was thankful that living in a busy. No one took notice of her or the problems she seemed to be having. In all actuality, it was the only way she had been able to work as long as she had. But knowing her time at the library was slowly coming to an end. It was becoming more difficult even to do simple tasks, and the pains were getting worse.
Avery drank some more water knowing full well that the more water she drank, the faster she would feel the effects of the pills. Avery continued hanging onto the water cooler and waited for the dizzy sensation to pass. Once she felt well enough, she let go and walked over to the elevator.
Avery desperately wanted to be in the sanctity of her little room in the basement where she could sit in her little cubicle and do her entry work while not having to worry about anyone around her. It was becoming increasingly difficult to be amongst people anymore because the dizzy spells were becoming more frequent. She knew the time was drawing near and given she had a lot of vacation and sick days accumulated. She would now have to start using them or face being found out.
Given what happened to Kirt last evening in the park Avery’s willingness to work up until the end was not as pressing as before. But the thought of just sitting in her apartment waiting for the end was not quite what she had in mind either. The quality of life was not an option anymore as the dizzy spells and pain were getting worse. Her bucket list was nonexistent, and anything she may have every wanted to do was out of the question now.
Once Avery logged in the new books into the library computer database she leaned back in her chair and glanced up at the ceiling and then shut her eyes a moment. She turned to the clock and knew it was time. Slowly Avery reached down for her purse and took the pillbox out of her purse. She sighed thinking how her life was so dependent on the pills in her purse to keep the effects of her illness at bay. There were times she thought of just ending it all on those days where it was at its worst. Jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge just wasn’t in the cards for Avery. She never wanted to be labeled a nutcase, and the thought of just popping all her pills at once seemed like a cowardly thing to do. Plus she feared it would not do the job right and she would be left in a vegetative state. In the back of her mind, it bothered her about how her parents would take her choosing to end her own life. They knew the end was near, but for them, they always hoped for a miracle which Avery knew there was none. She had exhausted all her chances at extending her life when she chose not to have the surgery.
Avery went through the motions of work, trying to stay focused as much as she could. Shelving books had been something she enjoyed because she could venture through the library. There were always people needing help finding a book and with the twelve floors at the Bobst, no one seemed to know where all the research books were. Even after four years, Avery was still learning new things. But what good would that do her now when the end finally came. All those years of schooling, grad school and her nose to the grindstone working at the library, what did she have to show for her life? That thought troubled her because she always felt there was time for a family later, but now she was running out of time. There would be no family for her, not in this lifetime.
Avery was thankful she didn’t have to close that evening, and she could leave when it was still daylight outside. Her walk home had been particularly enjoyable because it had become cloudy and overcast that afternoon. She enjoyed days without the bright sun, which only brought on the headaches faster.
Once she stepped out the doors of the library, a chill went through her looking across the street. Avery avoided walking through the park for fear of the memory of last evening. The thought of seeing Kirt’s blood on the concrete near the fountain was just too much for her to endure. Avery didn’t know how long his death would haunt her. But as much pain, as he was in, Kirt appeared at peace when the end finally came. She wondered if she would be able to embrace her end of life as he did. It had been troubling her all day, what her end would be like.
Finally, when Avery reached her apartment, she quickly put on easy listening. She enjoyed the soft sounds as it filled her apartment. Avery’s body ached for some reason. She attributed it to the stress of the previous twenty-four hours day and feared that last nights sleep deprivation had a lot to do with how she felt now.
Avery ran her bath water knowing that turning the lights off while soaking in the hot tub would relax her and hopefully ease the pain in her head. It always made for a better nights sleep and especially so since her diagnosis. She didn’t know why, but there was a soothing effect to the warm water on her mental state. She especially looked forward to not having to get up early tomorrow as at the last minute she asked for a few days off. What difference would it make anyway seeing she would not be around for her next review.
Avery had spent the next day doing nothing. She lay around the apartment, not even getting dressed. Avery pulled the curtains to hide the sun. When the phone rang, she avoided picking it up not wanting to talk to anyone. Not even her parents. Avery had watched the nightly news and Kirt’s murder wasn’t mentioned as technically it was yesterday’s news and no longer of any importance in a big city. She wondered if they exerted any effort into finding out who was responsible.
Avery wasn’t sure if she would indeed go to Kirt’s funeral. She figured it would be a huge affair as it usually was when an officer was shot in the line of duty. Jake had been insistent that Avery attends the funeral, but Avery was not about to let him bully her into something Avery didn’t want to do. No amount of her trying to convince him that she and Kirt were only casual acquaintances would deter him from insisting she makes an appearance. Avery only hoped in the end if she chose to go, that she could
blend in with the people in attendance. She had no intention of pretending to be Kirt’s girlfriend or anyone of significance in his life.
Avery was thankful for the end of the day to come. It was only eight o’clock. The light rain that fell made it seem later though. Avery crawled in bed and let sleep take hold of her, hoping for a peaceful nights rest. But that wasn’t meant to be. Avery tossed and turned not able to find comfort or fall into a deep REM sleep. She didn’t know if it was all the activities of the last few days or something more serious. Finally, Avery glanced at the clock. It angered her when she saw it was midnight. She stared up at the ceiling, and then a movement caught her attention out of the corner of her eye.
Avery quickly sat up and struggled to make out what it was. It was then she saw it, the hazy hue in the corner of the room that moved slightly and then slowly it took shape. After a few moments of straining her eyes, the faint shadow was still there but somewhat blurred. It slowly moved around the room.
Avery quickly rubbed her eyes thinking they were playing tricks on her. When she opened them again all she could do was just stare at the shadow as it slowly danced around the room. She followed its every move and then turned to the window, looked outside to see if something out there was causing what she saw in her room. But there was nothing that could explain the phenomenon of the moving object in front of her.
“Who’s there?” she asked half expecting an answer.
When she got no reply, she quickly reached for the lamp on the nightstand. When the light illuminated the room, the shadowy figure suddenly disappeared. Avery rubbed her eyes again and then got up and walked into the bathroom, she splashed water on her face and then reached into the medicine cabinet and took out the prescription bottle and took two pills. As she swallowed them, she gazed at the reflection staring back at her. Her eye sockets were hollow. The once healthy color of her complexion was now a pale ashy hue. She was thankful for what makeup could do, but she knew now it was only a matter of time that she would not be able to hide her malaise.
What Avery needed was a good nights sleep, and she was getting none of that standing there in her bathroom. Avery only hoped the sleeping pills she took would take hold eventually so that a good nights rest would follow. She had avoided taking sleeping pills in the past because sleep hadn’t been a problem. But the doctor had warned her that once the end was near sleep deprivation would be an issue. It would be important that her body rests at night, to prolong her good days.
Avery slowly walked back to her bedroom and then turned the light off. Once she got in bed, Avery laid back and shut her eyes and started counting sheep. It must have worked because the next thing she remembered was the alarm going off. Avery slowly rolled over angry with herself for not shutting it off last night as there was no reason to get up this early became Avery had the day off. The funeral wasn’t until later that morning, so she had time to kill.
Avery made herself a hearty breakfast but only was able to eat a little of it as her stomach just couldn’t tolerate much food anymore. She glanced at the newspaper for the time of the service for Kirk. Usually, when an officer was killed in the line of duty, the city went all out. But given the write-up, Avery got a distinct impression that this was not going to be a huge affair. There was no mention of a Mass before hand and just indicated a graveside service, which seemed odd.
Avery hadn’t wanted to take a bus, so she flagged down a taxi. It was an extravagance she usually didn’t indulge in, but given the fact, all the money she had been saving for a trip abroad would never get used, she might as well enjoy a few creature comforts now.
Avery was right about the funeral. There was just a small group of people standing around the coffin. She almost wanted to tell the driver to keep going. But the little time that Avery spent with Kirt seemed even more special to her now. She didn’t know why she should feel that way. It may have something to do with her prognosis. All she could do was stare at the coffin as they got closer to the small gathering in the cemetery.
As the taxi drove up to the hearse, Avery tapped the driver’s window.
“Park down the road over there,” Avery said pointing to where she meant and then quickly added. “And wait for me!” Avery handed the driver a twenty-dollar bill.
The taxi driver didn’t mind. He was on the clock. All he did was turn back to Avery, took the bill and then said. “Your nickel lady.”
Avery slowly walked up to the small gathering of mourners. She was careful not to get too close. The bagpipes played a mournful tune that sent chills up her spine. It was a mournful rendition of Amazing Grace.
Leaves swirled around the coffin in the light fall breeze off the river. Avery was glad she grabbed a sweater before leaving, as the temperature seemed to be dropping.
In the distance, Avery saw Jake with what she guessed were his parents. Avery didn’t know much about Kirt or his family, only what she read in the obituary that morning. There were only his younger brother and an older sister. Kirk’s father had been a highly decorated police officer on the force for nearly thirty years.
Avery had a hard time listening to what was being said. It was then she noticed the two men in front of her. It wasn’t so much them as what they were saying.
“I don’t care what they say, Kirt was clean. I’d stake my reputation on that.”
Avery was surprised by the remark. She remembered the one officer as being at the library on stakeout after she had met Kirt. Avery’s vision suddenly blurred for a moment as a stabbing pain shot through her right temple. She tried to grab hold of a headstone near where she was standing and almost lost her balance but caught herself just in time. Neither man took notice of her. Once she regained her composure, she walked closer to them to hear what they were saying.
“They got the goods on that prick, and he still got away.”
The first man turned to Jake who was standing with his parents. He was holding his mother to steady her.
The way they talked, Avery knew it had to be about Kirt’s brother, Jake, but what they meant she wasn’t sure.
“If you ask me he’s behind it all!”
“Yeah, with Kirt out of the way, all that was coming down on him has shifted to Kirt who isn’t here to defend himself.”
“It’s a pity.”
“It started back with Cain and Abel. Do you think times are different?”
“I’m thankful I only have sisters.”
“It won’t be easy for the family if they lose both sons.”
“Why the charade with this big pretense,” the man said while glancing around at the few people who were there to pay their respect.
“He’s being investigated. There was no time to call this all off. Plus Captain Elliott pulled a lot of strings not to make anything public before the services. I hear it’s all coming down tomorrow. This whole charade for the press will all be forgotten by then. The investigation will be a minor blurb on page fifteen of the newspaper right near the classifieds.”
Avery was surprised by the conversation, but her head hurt too much to stay and listen further. In the short time, she knew Kirt she also was sure he was not on the take. He was too focused on catching the people behind the whole drug operation, and she was sure that it was not an act. Avery quickly reached in her purse for the prescription bottle and then popped a pill immediately. She was getting real good at swallowing them without water. Avery waited a few moments until she started to feel its effect. Slowly she gained her strength and let go of the headstone and walked over to the waiting taxi. Neither man took notice of her as she left the cemetery.
Avery was thankful that Jake hadn’t noticed her there either as she didn’t want to talk to him and after what she overheard, Avery was curious what that was all about.
CHAPTER 11
It was late afternoon by the time Avery made it back to her apartment. As with yesterday, the day was overcast, and a light rain started to fall as soon as she left the cemetery. It was a befitting day for a funeral. Al
l the while she rode back to her apartment, Avery thought about her funeral and wondered who would turn out. It was then she decided that cremation was the route she wanted her parents to take. There would be no visitation or church service, she would insist on that. Avery wanted it simple and not to have her parents mourn for her any longer than they had too. In reality, they had been grieving ever since she told them about her diagnosis. All Avery wanted was for their suffering to be over with and for her passing to be as simple as possible for them. It was the least she could do. Avery would have to write this all down and make sure they understood these were her wishes.
Once her mind was made up about the final send-off, Avery couldn’t help but think about what the two officers had said at the cemetery about Kirt. And now it made sense the line of questions that Captain Elliott was asking. She had toyed with the idea of giving him the key Kirt gave her that night. But then Avery remembered, Kirt was adamant that she should trust no one, did he even mean his Captain. What good was the key to her? She didn’t know what it unlocked. Avery didn’t know what she would do if possibly she discovered what it did unlock and there was incriminating evidence against Kirt. Would she have the heart to turn it over to Captain Elliott or would she protect Kirt’s reputation so his parents wouldn’t suffer further humiliation?
Avery was thankful once the taxi pulled into the alley and she could finally seek out the safety of her apartment. She now regretted attending Kirt’s funeral. In all actuality, if she hadn’t gone, she never would have been privy to the conversation about Kirt. And now the unsavory task of shielding his reputation by her decision about what to do with the key he gave her. It troubled her thinking about what it unlocked.
Avery knew once the press got wind of a possible investigation into Kirt being on the take, it would make front page news and his name and reputation would be fodder for the tabloids for days to come if not more. There was something about a cop on the take that brought out the worse in the press with their never-ending quest to get all the dirt on the individual no matter how insignificant. And if a retraction had to be written to clear up his name that would probably be posted on the bottom of page 14 off in a corner where no one paid much attention to those renunciations. It was a sad state of affairs, but one she understood completely.