by Emily Woods
6
Ruby couldn’t get past the beauty of the ranch. It was there in the morning, shimmering before her with dawn’s first light; there in the afternoon with the smell of warm earth permeating the air; and there at night with the moon’s rays covering everything in a brilliant glow that made the sky feel larger than anything Ruby had ever experienced.
In a word, the ranch land was beautiful. In a feeling…oh, in a feeling, it was magnificent.
This morning was no different as she came downstairs to help Viola with breakfast. The woman sent her scurrying outside to fetch a few eggs from the chickens, but as usual, she got caught up in the colors of the sunrise.
“Stunning, isn’t it?” a voice said behind her.
She spun around to see Will, Adam’s brother, standing on the porch. He held Simon carefully in his arms but his gaze was set off into the distance. He stood a few inches shorter than Adam with light brown hair instead of Adam’s darker black. His eyes were similar to his brother’s, though. She could see the family resemblance in their strong jaws and the wrinkles they both had at the corners of their eyes. Laugh lines.
“It’s beautiful. We have lovely sunrises in the east, but here… I don’t know what it is.”
“The mountains,” he said thoughtfully. “I’ve always loved how the sun comes up over the mountains here.”
“That must be it.” She joined him on the porch and saw that Simon was sleeping. It had been on her mind to ask the past few days if he wanted any help with watching after his son, but she hadn’t yet found the courage.
Something about the morning, the brisk air or possibly the stunning hues of the sunrise, gave her the gumption she needed.
“I could watch him today—for a little while, if you’d like.” Her tone came out hesitant and quiet. “Simon, that is.”
“Oh.” He blinked and looked at her. “Really?”
“Yes.” She knew she was blushing. “I was going to ask before, but I wasn’t sure you wanted any help.” She swallowed. Had that sounded arrogant or accusatory of her?
“It’s not that.” He rubbed slow circles on his son’s back. “Part of it is that I don’t want to burden anyone. The other…” He trailed off and turned his gaze back to the sunrise. “The other is that I don't trust him with just anyone.”
“I understand. I just thought I’d offer.”
“Oh, I wasn’t saying that to turn you down.” He looked back at her and smiled. “I know I need to let up a little anyway. If you’d like to watch him, I’d be grateful.”
She hadn’t known how much she’d looked forward to this simple task until he’d granted it to her. Smiling, she did her best to keep her cool. “That would be lovely. Whenever you’re ready, just let me know.”
Viola called out for her and she dipped her head to say good-bye, but the feeling of excitement lingered.
Breakfast went quickly as Adam had already had his before the sun even rose. He tended to start his day earlier than most. When they were finished and the breakfast dishes were washed, she gladly accepted Simon and his mound of small toys. Many more than a boy of his age needed, but she wasn't going to say anything.
They sat on the floor and she tickled him until he laughed. Then she took him around the house and showed him different things, not because he understood them, but because she wanted to give him a different perspective.
Finally, after his late morning nap, she took him outside and spread a blanket under the large oak tree behind the house. There, she let him play and she read a book until he grew fussy again.
When she picked him up this time, something in her heart shifted. She wanted a child so badly. The reality that she wouldn’t be able to have children almost felt like physical pain to her in that moment.
Adam knew about her condition, but that didn’t mean she felt better. She still wanted… What? What did she want?
Healing.
The word dropped into her mind like a whispered prayer. She knew it was true. She’d dreamed of being healed from her ailment for a long time, but the thought that it would actually happen always seemed to be further away than reality.
When Simon fell asleep, she just looked at him lying there in her arms. Perfectly formed nose, mouth, and eyelashes. He was a beautiful child.
The ache in her grew until she was crying and tears fell onto the top of the child’s head.
“Ruby? Are you all right?”
She looked up, startled to see Adam standing over her. And then she was embarrassed he’d caught her crying over his brother’s child.
“I-I’m fine,” she said, using her other hand to wipe the tears.
He sat down next to her, his presence both welcomed and unnerving. What was he going to think of her blubbering here with his nephew?
“I have a feeling you’re not really fine… Want to talk about it?”
She took in a shaky breath and adjusted Simon in her arms. His warmth was comforting, and yet a reminder. Did she dare share her thoughts with Adam? Then again, wasn’t that the whole purpose of them living on the ranch together? To get to know one another and see if they would step into marriage?
If she was to marry him, she wanted him to know all about her. He knew about her condition, but he needed to know about her heart.
Taking in a shaky breath, she forced herself to meet his gaze. “I suppose being here with Simon--” She looked down at the baby and brushed a lock of his fine hair off his forehead. “--has reawakened feelings inside of me.”
“What type of feelings?” he prodded gently.
“I told you about my condition and the fact that I had made peace about it with the Lord, but it’s like the feelings are resurfacing. I desperately want to have a child.”
A shadow of some emotion passed behind Adam’s eyes, but it was gone so quickly she thought she had imagined it. Instead, his features softened and he reached up to brush a lock of her hair away, mirroring what she’d just done for Simon. “I can imagine that it’s difficult, what with seeing someone else’s child.” He frowned and turned his gaze to the distance. “Children aren’t everything, though.”
He said the last words so quietly she almost couldn’t hear them. They were true, but it didn’t bring the comfort she wanted.
Then, without warning, he turned his gaze back to her. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said, his voice husky. Then he leaned in and kissed her.
It only lasted a moment, but it was perfect in its brevity.
It didn’t fix anything, that hadn’t been his intent, but she did feel somewhat better knowing that he would listen to her no matter what her fears were.
Adam couldn’t get the look in Ruby’s eyes out of his mind. He replayed their conversation over and over that night, and it was still there when he woke up the next morning.
She wanted children. He didn’t.
He rolled over and then out of bed, groaning as his feet hit the cold wooden floor. He’d thought that she’d made her peace about not having kids. He’d thought it would all work out because of his own fear of being a father and the reality that she couldn’t have children. Now he just felt bad.
He went about his chores earlier than usual and was back at the house and ready to go to the barn raising by mid-morning. When Ruby stepped from the house in her new gingham dress, made by Viola, with her hair twisted artfully up, he caught his breath.
If only he could get past his distracting thoughts about children.
With Will, Simon, and Viola on the backbench seat and Ruby sitting next to him, they drove to the Hayman’s ranch. Wagons cluttered the yard and people moved about, the women carrying food and the men hauling lumber. It was controlled chaos and Adam loved it.
“Oh my,” Ruby said.
He looked over at her and noticed that she looked somewhat overwhelmed.
“Don’t worry,” he said, taking her hand, “It’s a lot of fun and you’ll meet a bunch of ladies here who will take you under their wing immediately.”
She
gave him a brave smile and then nodded once in affirmation. “I look forward to it.”
That was his girl.
He blinked. He’d thought of her as his. Things were going so quickly, but despite the fact that she hadn’t been at the ranch for very long, he already felt that she belonged.
They went off to their respective duties. Ruby to the circle of women that were working on a large quilt, and he to the men who were beginning to erect the structure of the barn. It was hard work, but he enjoyed it. The conversation was jovial between the men and soon they were all working in rhythm.
As the first of the four walls were lifted into place, the call for lunch was given. They all rushed to the food table and were soon filling their bellies with delicious dishes the women had prepared. He kept his distance from the women, allowing Ruby to fully immerse herself with them, and then jumped right back to help when the men had finished eating.
When the barn was finally up that evening, the dancing began. He was shocked at how anyone still had energy to dance after a grueling day like they’d had, but enjoyed watching the merriment.
He saw Will on the other side of the barn and walked toward him. “Good barn raising, wasn’t it?”
“Yes,” his brother agreed. “It went well.”
“I’m glad we came.”
They watched as a group of children ran into the circle of dancers and began dancing. Their antics made everyone laugh, including Adam.
“Someday you’ll have a little one and you’ll get to see him dance like that,” Will observed.
Adam resisted the urge to grimace. “Oh, I don’t know about that.”
“Of course you will,” he said, laughing. “I’ve seen you and Ruby. You’re meant for one another. It won’t be long before you’re married and thinking about children.”
He didn't know how to tell his brother how wrong he was. “No. I don’t think we’ll have kids.”
“Every man says that, but in reality, things change and you begin to see that you want the children. They are an extension of yourself and a way to bring something new into the world.”
“No,” Adam said more firmly this time. He didn’t need his brother convincing him of something that could never be. “We wouldn’t have children because Ruby can’t.”
Will looked up at his brother with shock on his face. The two stepped back from the crowd so that they could talk more privately.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” Will shook his head, his hand rubbing his jaw. “How do you feel about that?”
Feel? He was elated! But that wasn’t the right response. “I feel fine. It is what it is.”
“But surely you want to have kids. What about adopting? That would be a great way for you two to have children.”
His brother just wasn’t getting the idea.
His conversation with Ruby came back to him and he groaned. He didn’t want kids. Not now. Not ever. Why couldn't people see that? There were more important things than children.
“Adam?” His brother peered up at him, looking beneath the surface of his quiet.
“Look, I appreciate your thoughts, but I don’t want kids. I never have and I never will. Got it?”
Then, in frustration, he turned and walked away. The last thing he needed right now was a lecture from his brother about the benefits to having children.
7
Ruby felt like Adam had slapped her in the face with his words.
I don’t want kids. I never have and I never will.
She tried to reason with herself why he would have said that. He had been so caring and understanding with her desires to have children before, she never would have guessed that he didn’t want them. Then again he’d never said he wanted them too, only consoled her on the fact that she wanted them.
Still, he should have said something.
She felt anger rise up in her but at that moment, Simon moved in her arms and she remembered where she was. She had come over to talk with Will and Adam, but then Adam had stormed off and left a dumfounded Will in his place.
For now, she would have to put his words out of her mind and get the fussy child to his father.
“Will,” she said, stepping into the eaves where he remained after talking with his brother. “Simon wants his father.”
Will blinked and she thought she saw color enter his cheeks. Was he ashamed at their conversation? Did he guess that she’d heard them?
But, before she could wonder about anything else, he asked point blank, “Did you hear that?”
She felt the press of tears and looked away. How silly to break down into tears here of all places. “Yes.”
Will carefully took Simon from her and the boy immediately calmed down.
Like a child in its father’s arms.
The thought stung. It was something Adam didn’t want any part of.
“I'm sorry,” Will finally said, his gaze captured by his son dozing off to sleep. “He’s foolish and doesn't always think before he talks sometimes.”
She wished it was just his brashness, but she had a feeling this desire of his was deeply rooted.
“I don’t think it’s just that, Will.”
They stood quietly for a while before Will spoke up again. “I think there’s more going on than what you just heard. It’s hard to explain, but I know my brother and he doesn’t make rash statements like that without some sort of reason. I don’t know what it could be, but it’s worth waiting to hear the answer.”
She nodded. “I suppose it won’t really matter in the end.”
“You don’t know that,” Will said, his voice suddenly passionate. “God can do miracles, Ruby. I know it.”
She contemplated his words as the music swirled around them. Adam had left the barn and, though she couldn’t believe it, she felt his absence. Could God really work a miracle? It would have to be two of them—one to heal her womb and the other to heal the man she was now starting to care about.
“Ruby?” Will said, his hand warm on her elbow.
“I suppose I do believe He can heal and that He can work miracles, but I have a hard time believing He will.”
“I look at Simon and think that he is a miracle. All life is. And in the grand scheme of things, there is so much that happens that is miraculous.”
She smiled despite the situation. “You’re very wise, Will.”
As she looked at him, she realized he was looking at her with an intensity she hadn’t seen before. A nervous fluttering in her stomach caught her attention. Will was the type of man she’d hoped to marry. Someone who loved children and even already had a son. It would be so easy…
She forced her mind back to the present. What was she thinking? She was here to get to know Adam. And, in all honesty, though Will was a kind man and his son was adorable, she cared for Adam already.
It was as if she’d admitted the truth to herself for the first time. She did care for Adam. His kindness to her, his intuition, his jokes. All of who he was drew her, except for the fact that he didn't want to have children.
Maybe she’d made a mistake in coming to the west.
She took a step back and forced a smile. “Thank you. For listening to me, that is. I-I need to go do some thinking, though.”
“Oh, of course, yes.” He nodded and looked down at Simon. “Thank you for taking such good care of my son.”
She nodded once and left, not even allowing one last glimpse at Simon.
The night air struck her with its freshness when she stepped outside of the barn and took in a greedy breath. It was too much. Her emotions for Adam, her anxiety at not being able to have children. The fact that she’d even considered Will over Adam just because he already had a child.
What kind of fickle woman was she?
She blushed, though the darkness hid it, and went to the side of the barn that was hidden from the light of the party. She needed to think, to pray. It wasn’t a coincidence she was here, but she desperately wanted to talk with her sisters. Though she c
ould hear them now. Blanche telling her to be realistic and see how handsome Adam was. Hattie patting her arm soothingly and telling her that the Lord would give her the answers she needed.
She smiled into the darkness. Of course her sisters wouldn’t have the answers. Only the Lord would, but they were a source of comfort. One she felt cut off from.
In that moment, she closed her eyes and tuned out the loud music and laughter from the barn. She poured out her heart to the Lord and begged for direction. And then she determined that she would write to her sisters the next day with haste.
They might not be there in person, but she was done sending letters that made it sound as if everything was perfect. It was time to be honest with them and herself.
Adam hadn’t seen Ruby the rest of the evening and only found her waiting at the wagon as he had gone to prepare for their departure. She’d hardly said anything and he somehow felt like her introspective mood was his fault. But what had he done?
Now, as he pulled his saddle off of his horse and began brushing her down, the early afternoon sunlight stimulated his thoughts. He’d gotten up and gone out early so he was ahead of the schedule for this week already. It felt foolish, to have spent so much time working when he could have taken a break, but he found focusing on work was how he took his mind off things. It was a way for him to process things.
Running a hand through his hair, he thought of his spot. The day was unseasonably cool but the sun was still out. What if he took the afternoon off to think about things?
Nodding in silent agreement with himself, he shoved his hat back on and hiked up the hill to where a gnarled tree stood sentry over the stream’s entrance to the small lake. Ever since he was a small child, he’d come to this place to think, pray, and gain perspective over his life.
He looked over the valley that stretched out before him. There was a haze to the day which made the far off mountains disappear into the sky. Fields of hay and prairie grass stretched as far as the eye could see. It was a beautiful sight to behold and always worked to remind Adam that he was not alone on this earth. That he was only a small part of a bigger plan.