by Emily Woods
He agreed and joined her at the table as Viola served them then bowed out, saying she had alternative plans for the evening.
Adam took a bite of the tender roast she’d made and smiled. “This is delicious. Probably the best roast you’ve ever made. What’s the occasion?”
“What makes you think there’s an occasion?” she asked coyly.
“You’re all dressed up and your hair looks fancy, like it did the day you stepped from the train.” His eyes roved over her face with love. “You look beautiful. Though you always look beautiful,” he added quickly.
She laughed. “Thank you, Adam. And you’re right. Tonight is special. I wanted to do something nice for you. You work so hard to take care of us all and to do your best on the ranch. I admire your strength and hard work.”
“A man could get used to this,” he said with a chuckle.
“I hope you can. And I hope you can get used to something else.”
He cocked his head. “Like what?”
“Like the fact that there will no longer be just two of us in this family.”
He blinked, his face going blank as he reasoned through what she’d said. “Just two… Wait, what are you saying Ruby?”
“Just what you think I am. I'm pregnant.”
He jumped to his feet, a look of shocked surprise on his face. “What? Are you joking with me?”
“No,” she said, beaming. “I just found out this morning.”
“Wahooo!” he shouted, pulling her up into his arms and twirling her around the room. “The Lord has answered our prayers.”
“Yes, he has.”
They stood there, looking into each other’s eyes for a few moments before he kissed her soundly and then spun her around again. “I can’t believe it.”
“Neither can I.”
“How are you feeling?” he said, a sudden serious look coming over him. He stopped and looked intently into her face. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have moved you so quickly.”
“It’s all right,” she laughed. “I’m pregnant, not an invalid.”
“But still, you should be careful. Take good care of yourself, eat well, and maybe take some walks?”
“Since when did you become an expert on pregnant women?”
He grinned. “All right, I’m no expert, but I did talk with Will about Cecilia, so I know a little.”
She pushed up on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “You’re a good husband, Adam. Thank you. I will be careful, but I trust that the Lord has given us this baby.”
He nodded, pressing his forehead to hers. “I agree. It’ll be our miracle child.”
Adam hardly felt the ground beneath him. Ever since Ruby’s news at the beginning of that week, he was overjoyed just to think of the miracle of life growing inside his wife. How had he been so blessed?
The old fear tried to rear its head, but he squashed it the moment it began. He wasn’t going to let it gain a foothold in him again. He whistled as he worked and soon felt the urge to burst into song. He laughed at himself, hardly recognizing the man he’d become. The man he was with Ruby.
“You’re sure chipper this morning,” Will said, walking into the barn with a sack of grain over his shoulder.
“It’s a beautiful day.”
“I have a feeling that’s not all you’re happy about.” Will smirked.
Ever since they had told him about the baby, Will had been nothing but supportive. Ruby already enjoyed taking care of Simon and Will reminded them, laughing as he said it, that they would be great parents, especially with him there to help. It was true though. Will was a good parent and Adam wanted to learn all he could from him.
“Say, Will,” Adam said, stopping his shoveling to look at his brother, “what’s the hardest thing about being a parent?”
“It’s not so hard as all that when they’re young,” he said, looking off through the open barn door to the valley beyond. “I assume it’s going to get harder the older he gets. So you’ll have to learn right alongside me.”
Adam smiled at the thought. “That sounds like a good plan.”
Will chuckled. “I think it sounds great, but let’s wait to make a decision about it until we get to that point.”
Adam laughed with him but then fell quiet as he watched his brother’s face change before him. Adam knew what Will was thinking.
“I'm sorry that she won’t be here to watch Simon grow up,” he said quietly.
Will rubbed his chin, his eyes glistening with the hint of tears. “I am too. It’s days like today that I miss her most.”
“Why is that? Do I talk about the child too much?”
“Oh, no, it’s nothing like that.” Will shrugged and met Adam’s gaze. “It’s the ordinary days. Those were some of the best days because they passed just like we expected them to. I get so wrapped up in the ordinary that I come into the house half-expecting her to be there. It gets disappointing.”
“I can only imagine.”
“I hope you never have to.”
They stood there in silence for a long time before Will spoke up again. “I can’t help but think that Simon needs a mother, though.”
His brother’s words shocked Adam. “Really? You want to marry again?”
He gave a noncommittal grunt. “It’s not that so much as the burden I am on you and Ruby. Soon you’ll have your own kids and then we’ll really be in the way. Besides, I know it’s healthy for him to be around you two, but I want him to have a mother figure to look up to.”
“Don’t go getting married just because of Simon,” Adam cautioned, though he wasn’t sure where his wisdom came from.
“I don’t know. It couldn’t hurt for him to have a mother. Don’t you think?”
It was Adam’s turn to stare out into the valley below. He hardly knew his own heart, let alone the best course of action for his brother. He just knew that being in love with Ruby was the best thing and, should his brother decide to marry again, he wanted it to be for that. “All I will say is that I think you should marry for love. We’ll be there for you and Simon. He’ll know the warmth and kindness of a woman, even if it’s not his mother. Don't do something for him and not for you too.”
Will gave another humorless chuckle. “Since when did you become such a romantic?”
Adam shoved his bother in the shoulder. “Go on then.”
Both men smiled when a shout rang out across the yard.
Adam’s attention jerked to the noise. It sounded like Ruby.
“Ruby?” he called out, running to the open barn door. There, across the yard, his wife lay crumpled on the ground.
The world stopped around him.
His feet felt like they were stuck in tar and his heart raced to catch up with what he was seeing. Ruby! His precious Ruby!
A primal scream clawed its way from his chest as he raced toward her, though nothing felt fast enough. He skidded to a stop on his knees next to her, his hands reaching toward her. Fingers on her arms, he whispered her name.
“Ruby? Ruby, what’s wrong? Are you all right?”
She was moaning and clutching her abdomen. “The…baby…” she whispered.
His heart thudded to a stop. No. Not the baby. Not the child they had prayed for. Their miracle!
“I’m going to pick you up and carry you inside. All right? Be still, I’ll get you.”
She tried to move to help him, but he swiftly picked her up and ran to the back door.
“Viola,” he shouted, kicking the door open. “We need help. Viola?”
Will was suddenly behind him. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“Find Viola, she’ll know what to do. Ruby thinks it’s the baby.” He met his brother’s gaze over her head and they shared a moment of grief before they snapped into action. Adam carried Ruby to their bedroom, laying her down gently on the handmade quilt that covered it, and then sat down next to her. He leaned forward, pushing her hair out of her face. Her forehead was damp and her face cringed in pain.
“Rub
y,” he whispered, unsure what he could say in a moment like this. “My sweet Ruby, you’ll be all right.”
Tears poured out of her closed eyes, but whether they were from pain or sorrow or both, he couldn’t know. He stayed like that, hunched over her and caressing her forehead until Viola bust into the room.
“Go. Out.”
He blinked, looking at her in confusion. “What…”
“Go fetch me some hot water and towels. I need to see what is wrong, but I can’t do that with you here distracting her or me. It will be all right. Go.”
Every muscle in his body protested leaving the room where his wife was suffering, but the look in Viola’s eye and the logical voice in the back of his head convinced him he needed to do as she asked.
With one more hurried kissed to her forehead, he left the room where his wife and child were. He would have to leave their fate in the hands of the Lord as well.
13
Adam was close to throwing something.
“You’ve got to calm down. She needs you right now, but not like this.” Will pressed a hand against Adam’s arm, but the touch didn’t register.
“It’s not fair, Will. She wasn’t even supposed to get pregnant and now she’s l-lost the baby?”
The words nearly stuck in his throat. Ever since Viola had come to tell him the news, he’d felt the anger rising. It wasn’t often that he became this mad, but it seemed the only logical response at this point.
“I know this is…a lot to handle.” Will looked like he was choosing his words with extreme caution. “But you’ve got to be strong for her now. She needs you.”
She needed him? No, she needed a miracle—like the one that gave her the life she’d carried for such a short time. She didn’t need him and his doubting mind.
“I can’t go in there.” The truth tasted bitter on his lips.
“What are you talking about?” Will walked around to look into Adam’s face. “What’s going on?”
“I…” Adam looked away, rubbing his jaw. “I’m weak. I’m filled with fear. First, I was afraid that we would have a baby, now I'm afraid that we’ve lost it and, with it, our only chance of being parents.” How had things changed so quickly? “I…I’m afraid that my anger toward God could hurt not only me but Ruby too.”
Will nodded slowly as if assessing what he was going to say. Finally, he rested his hand against Adam’s shoulder again and, looking into his eyes, said, “You need be there for her because you’re all she has now.”
What he said was true, but it hurt to the core of his being. He was all she had…that, and the Lord. But did he even trust that God would be enough? He’d taken away the one thing she wanted.
“I know, but…” He looked at Will. “What if I'm not enough?”
Will shook his head, compassion registering with extra weight in his gaze. “You won’t be. And that’s okay. You’re not supposed to be. God has you two together to support and encourage one another, to cling to one another in the hard times.” A shadow passed behind Will’s eyes and Adam imagined he was thinking about the fact that he had to weather the storms of his wife’s death alone.
It seemed unfair. Why was all of this unfair?
As if sensing his questions, Will grabbed him by the shoulders more roughly than Adam was used to and looked him in the eyes. “The mere fact that she got pregnant is a miracle. Can’t you see that? You may not have your child now and I can only imagine how much that hurts, but don’t write off the Lord just because you didn’t get what you wanted the first time.”
His brother’s words were like a slap to the face. He was right and Adam knew it, but admitting that now seemed almost too much.
He swallowed hard and looked down, the sudden appearance of tears shocking him.
“I know it hurts. I’m sorry for that. But Ruby needs you.”
Like he was sucked back to reality with those words, Adam blinked and nodded. “You’re right. I need to go to her.”
“Yes,” Will said, forcing a halfhearted smile. “Go to her and love her. Care for her and don’t cast blame on God right now. Just…just love her.”
Will’s voice broke and he turned away. “I’m going to take Simon on a walk.” He disappeared down the hall to get his son and Adam came back to the present.
He needed to love his wife now, despite the fact that all he wanted to do was hash things out with God. There would be plenty of time for that later.
Ruby lay against the pillows feeling the full weight of exhaustion and sorrow. She had lost the baby—their miracle baby. Why had God allowed her to get pregnant if only to allow her to lose the child?
She closed her eyes and rested her hand over her eyes. Where was Adam? He hadn’t come to see her after Viola left and she was beginning to worry. Did he blame her? Surely he had to know she had done everything she could to be careful and—
A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts as Adam stuck his head into the room. “Mind if I come in?”
“Of course not,” she said, relieved he was here now. She extended her hand to him but the action brought notice to the fact that she was trembling.
“I'm sorry I wasn’t here earlier. I…” He looked down and Ruby’s stomach plummeted.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
He blinked, looking confused. “Sorry? Why are you sorry?”
“I…I lost our baby.”
His shoulders slumped and he leaned forward, his light blue eyes pouring into hers. “Don’t apologize.” His words were hard, solid, and his gaze unwavering. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
Ruby felt guilty. She wasn't sure why. There was no reason for her guilt, but it was there alongside her sorrow. She somehow felt responsible.
“I don’t know…” She looked down, unable to meet his gaze.
“Hey,” he said, gently reaching out to lift her chin. “It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. These things happen. You did nothing wrong.”
Ruby let his words wash over her, calming the ache in her heart. “I just don’t know what to do now, Adam. What do we do?”
He frowned, studying their entwined hands on top of the quilt. “We move on.”
Move on. As if that would be easy. They finally got what they wanted—or, at the very least, what she wanted—and then it slipped out of their grasp. How could they move on from that?
But it was God’s will. She had trouble with that. Her heart had trouble with that. How could she reason with the fact that something she had desired all of her life, knowing that she couldn't have it, was snatched from her grasp? She felt anger, but her reason took over. The very fact that she had gotten pregnant was a miracle. Did that mean she could become pregnant again?
It was almost too much to hope for, but she wanted to. She wanted her reality to be one of hope instead of doubt. She wanted her heart to be stayed on the Lord rather than on her own feeble understanding. If that were true, then the guilt she felt was foolish.
“God is still good,” she whispered. Her words drew Adam’s gaze.
“What did you say?”
“God is still good. I have to believe that, Adam. I’ve spent too much time being angry over the fact that I can’t have children. I don’t want this to add fuel to the fire of my anger. I don’t want to give into the fact that I’m disappointed. That I don’t understand. Instead, I want to turn to Him for the strength I need to hope.”
“Hope,” he repeated.
“Hope,” she said, clasping his hands between both of hers now. “Hope that this pregnancy was a miracle but that God can do another miracle. And another. And another, should he need to.”
Adam looked long into her eyes, searching them. “I want that hope too, my love.”
She pulled him forward and kissed him, letting his passion course through her, soothing her. He pulled her into his arms, his heart pounding against hers. She felt loved and safe. It was this comfort and the fact that God was her strength that eased the ache inside of her.
14
Ruby walked down the dusty boardwalk in town saying hello to many of their neighbors and friends from church. The morning was bright and sunny, the promise of a warm day, and she took in a deep breath, glad they could all make a trip into town together.
It felt good to be out and about. Once the trauma of the miscarriage had subsided, she was left feeling empty but with the promise of being filled again. That didn’t mean a child exactly, but the hope of one. The hope that God would still see fit to bless her in that way.
Weeks had passed, each day becoming easier and easier, until she could see Simon and smile knowing that she would be all right no matter what. It wasn’t always that easy, but the Lord had given her strength in the measure she needed.
“Morning, Mrs. Sullivan,” a local farmer said, tipping his hat to her.
She nodded in response and stepped past him into the general store. The postmaster was at his counter in the back of the shop and she brought up her letters for home. Her mother still had not fully recovered from her illness and Ruby’s concern was growing.
“Looking to mail those, Mrs. Sullivan?” he asked, his kind smile warming her.
“Yes, sir. And I came to see if I have any letters.”
“You do, in fact,” he said with a wink. “I’ll go get them.”
She filled with hope. Maybe she would finally receive good news from her family. Blanche hardly wrote and Hattie had been distracted lately, barely writing more than a page when she got around to writing at all. It was very unlike her.
She took the thick envelope from the man, noting it was Hattie’s handwriting on the front. After delivering her own letters, she walked back out into the sunshine to read through her sister’s letter.
Perching on a nearby bench, she hungrily tore open the envelope and began to read.
“News from home?”
She looked up to see Adam standing above her, his face shadowed by his hat and his hands on his hips. He cut an impressive profile and her heart picked up its pace. She loved this strong man with his soft heart and fierce devotion.