And that meant I had to finish the tests. There was no other option.
I pulled back from the embrace and looked into Dex’s eyes. “Me too,” I said, because it was time to start saying good-bye to some things.
And that’s when I decided that graduation night and being with Dex was exactly the right time to start the rest of my life. Because if the final test went the way I was starting to believe it would, then the day after in Roxbury . . . everything was going to change.
Mom was setting the table for dinner. Just two places, which was a relief. I didn’t think I was up to seeing Ryan or Lucas tonight.
Mom was a great cook, but she preferred desserts. So we snacked on grilled cheese sandwiches followed by one of her famous peach tarts. Baking was one of the only things that really soothed Mom, so I always made sure I ate every last crumb and told her how delicious it was. If I could manage it, I’d even dig in for a second helping just to see the twinkle in her eye.
“So you and Dex are spending a lot of time together lately,” Mom hinted.
I shoveled a large spoonful of tart into my mouth and nodded.
She rolled her eyes. “Fine, fine, you don’t have to tell me about your boyfriend. I just want you to know that I think he’s a lovely boy. The two of you are a good match.” She lifted her glass to salute her approval.
I shoveled another spoon into my already full mouth and nodded between chews.
Mom smiled. “Okay, I get the picture. Anyway, I just wanted you to know I’m very . . .“ She straightened in her seat. Mom never did these conversations well. You know, the ones with “feelings.” She cleared her throat. “I’m glad you’ll be going to Harvard. I would have missed you if you’d gone to a college far away.” And with that she stood and cleared the plates.
“Love you too, Mom,” I mumbled through a mouthful of tart as she walked to the kitchen.
Before I had a chance to swallow, my cell phone rang.
“Hello,” I said, my voice barely audible.
“Sabine? Hello? Are you alive?”
Miriam.
“Maybe she’s with Dex,” Lucy snickered.
“Or under him,” Miriam added.
It was time for our Sunday night conference call.
I rolled my eyes and swallowed as much tart as I could manage. “Peach tart, you tarts!”
They both laughed.
“Well, did he or did he not take you to some fancy restaurant in the city today and then to the back row at the movies?” Miriam demanded.
I sighed, thinking of the not-so-successful date.
“So . . . ,” Lucy prodded, her voice sounding a little breathless. I could just imagine her sitting on her bed, bouncing up and down eagerly.
I considered telling them that it hadn’t gone so well. But that would only get back to Dex one way or another, so instead I did what I did best.
I lied.
“It was great. Dex pulled out all the stops and took me to Le Bon Goût for lunch. You guys know how much I’ve wanted to go to that place. Best of all, even though I was still a bit tired from the party, Dex was just a sweetheart. He talked about Harvard, about our future . . .”
“About graduation night,” Lucy chimed in.
I laughed. “He might’ve mentioned it. All in all, it was pretty perfect.”
“Well, that’s Dex for you; he is the perfect guy,” Lucy said.
“So true,” I agreed.
In theory.
“Aw, you two are so made for each other,” Miriam said, boarding the we-all-love-Dex express. “You know that of everyone, you two are the ones who’ll make it. I can just see it now—Mr. and Mrs. Dex Holdsworth.”
“Ah,” I stammered. “One step at a time.”
“That’s right, Miriam. At least give them a chance to have a test drive first,” Lucy teased. I didn’t respond to that. I didn’t need to—they were too busy laughing.
I really didn’t want to be having this conversation, but I kept my tone light and willing, and Lucy and Miriam maintained most of the banter. Eventually I fell into old habits and found myself giggling along with them—gossiping about potential scandals and what everyone else would be doing after school. If nothing else, my friends had given me back me—the Wellesley me—for a time at least. An hour later, exhausted from laughter and allegations, we hung up.
As I called out good night to Mom and headed to my room, I glanced at my watch and shuddered. Two hours until the Shift—and all I had left to do was think about what was waiting for me on the other side.
After I’d had a shower, flipped through the Harvard course guide, and even cleaned my room, I still had an hour to go and my hands were trembling. I’d never shifted knowing that I was going back to a drugged version of myself. The idea terrified me, and once again I had to run to the bathroom and throw my head over the toilet. Peach tart is disturbingly self-preserving.
I don’t know how many times I was sick, only that it was a new record. As the minutes ticked by, my level of anxiety built. I had absolutely no way to prepare for what was to come, and no way of controlling it after the Shift.
At the best of times, I hated shifting from one life to the next. I’d worked hard over the years to perfect the routines that meant I had to face as little of this panic as possible. This time, even more so than shifting with Dex’s tongue down my throat, that one small element of myself I usually had control over had been stolen from me.
I threw up again.
Finally, determined not to shift back to Wellesley tomorrow night to find myself hunched over the toilet mid-vomit, I forced myself to my feet and shuffled back to bed. I slid between the sheets just in time to take a series of shaky breaths before midnight struck and I shifted.
As soon as I was back in my Roxbury body I felt the dead weight. It was like being paralyzed while sinking in water. I couldn’t move.
I. Couldn’t. Move.
My eyes were shut and I couldn’t access the muscles in my body that would open them. I wanted to thrash around, shake myself, slap myself. I wanted to scream. But my mind, completely alert, was imprisoned in an inert, silent chamber of a body. And then, whatever it was that was coursing through my system, the drug that had originally put me under started to catch up with me. No, chase me.
I don’t know how long it took from when I shifted. Even though it felt like a lifetime, it was probably only seconds before the drug with its cotton-wool-like suffocation stole my conscious mind, melting it back into a sedated state.
Just before my mind slipped into oblivion, I thought I felt a pressure on my hand, as if . . . as if someone was holding it, squeezing tight.
A noise woke me. First my eyes fluttered, then my fingers twitched lethargically. I heard the noise again and realized it was voices. Slowly my mind cleared. I was in Roxbury, in the hospital. My parents had had me admitted. I’d been sedated. By Ethan.
I opened my eyes to a slit. Everything was blurry, but I could recognize my parents. As my vision sharpened I saw they were talking to two men: Dr. Meadows and a man I didn’t know. Then I saw another figure beyond them, leaning against the door frame. I almost started when I realized it was Ethan. Slumped against the door jamb in his dark jeans and long-sleeved T-shirt, his hair as unruly as ever, he didn’t look like he belonged.
“It’s up to you, John,” Dr. Meadows said, addressing my father. “If you want her transferred to another facility that’s better equipped for this type of thing, I totally understand. Otherwise, she can stay here. Dr. Levi has offered his services and he’s one of the best. He stops by on a daily basis to tend to some of the other patients, and he’s offered to add Sabine to his rounds,” he explained.
I stayed silent; I knew if they realized I was awake they would take this discussion elsewhere and I needed to hear it.
“Dr. Levi, what do you think we’re dealing with here?” my father said, as if asking a mechanic about a broken-down car.
“I’ll need to spend some time with her to make any formal diagnosis. S
he’s obviously experienced some kind of mental breakdown. She could be suffering from a number of things: hallucinations, substance abuse, compulsive lying, a personality disorder—”
“Schizophrenia?” my father interrupted.
“It’s possible. We’ve sent her blood for testing. The easiest thing to identify or rule out is a drug problem. We’ll start there.”
“Christ.”
“I assure you we’ll take good care of her. The main thing at the moment is to ensure that she doesn’t make another attempt on her life.”
Someone cleared his throat. I opened my eyes a fraction again just as Ethan pushed off the wall. “Ah, Dr. Levi, I . . . I’m not so sure that’s what she was doing. She appears to know full well the injuries inflicted were not life threatening. I dressed the wounds myself. They’re nasty, but for someone who is currently on SW, she was incredibly careful to avoid major arteries.”
“She broke her own wrist!” my father roared.
Ethan didn’t seem bothered, which almost made me smile. “She told me how it happened and I’m sure there were a number of witnesses that saw her fall.”
I wanted to applaud Ethan and give my father the finger.
Dr. Levi chose this moment to intervene. “Do you have a suggestion for what we should be looking for, Ethan? Clearly you’ve managed to draw some information from her.”
Ethan was silent for a moment and then he sighed. “I don’t know. Like you said, she’s clearly going through some kind of psychological trauma. She was petrified about being restrained last night, with a particular fear of midnight.”
Something inside me sank to hear him analyzing me in such a detached way.
“What I want to know is when she became so disturbed that she created an entirely different world.” Mom spoke up for the first time. She wasn’t crying today. No, Mom had pulled herself together the way she always did, and now she was on a mission.
“Different world? Sorry?” Ethan said.
Mom straightened. “My daughter believes she lives in an alternate reality. She says she goes there every night. To another life!” she hissed.
“Oh my God,” Ethan whispered. I felt the urge to jump up and tell him it wasn’t like that, but really . . . it was. They just didn’t realize it didn’t make me delusional.
“Ethan, you might be of some assistance with this patient,” Dr. Levi said.
My father scoffed. “He’s a nurse. He’s hardly equipped to be dealing with this.”
“Actually, along with his nursing qualifications, Ethan has been studying psychiatry. He’s one of my star pupils and has a very promising future ahead of—” Dr. Levi stopped mid-sentence before awkwardly starting up again. “Establishing a connection is key in these cases. If Sabine has already formed a bond with Ethan, he may be our best hope of getting her to open up.”
“Ah, I don’t think . . . I can’t . . . No. She needs someone more . . . someone better,” Ethan stammered.
“And I will be here,” Dr. Levi continued as if Ethan hadn’t spoken. “I’ll assess her when she wakes up and hold daily sessions with her. But if Dr. Meadows does not object, Ethan will be in charge of her care during the night shift. It’s not the most conventional method, but it’s possibly the time she might feel the most comfortable opening up.”
Ethan started up again. “Dr. Levi, I’m not the one to . . . You know why this is not . . . Please don’t—”
“Ethan, what’s the problem? You’re here anyway. May as well keep busy.” Dr. Levi shrugged as if it was all decided.
Before Ethan could object again I rolled over, keeping my eyes closed.
“She’s starting to wake up,” Dr. Meadows said.
No shit.
“Here are some of her things,” Mom said quickly.
“We’ve checked it all as you requested,” my father added.
“Thank you. Would you like to stay and talk to her?” Dr. Meadows asked.
“Er, no. We have to get back to the drugstore. We’ll stop by in the next day or so,” he said. I heard their footsteps as they walked toward the door.
“Very well. I assure you she is in good hands.”
I heard my father stop. When he spoke his voice was low and private. “Dr. Levi, we’re sure you understand. We work in this industry. It would not do well for too much of this to get out into the medical community . . . We need to protect our business.”
“Discretion is a given, John.” It was the right thing to say, but the reply sounded weary.
“Well then, let’s keep her here,” he said firmly.
“Certainly, John,” Dr. Meadows said. “I’ll see you out.”
I waited until I was sure my parents were gone. They hadn’t wanted to talk to me, but the feeling was definitely mutual. I didn’t know if I could ever look at them again.
“You can open your eyes now,” came Dr. Levi’s voice from beside me.
I looked up at him. He was the only one who’d stayed behind. “How did you know?”
He smiled. “Years of experience. So, where should we go from here?”
I turned my head to the side and took a few shaky breaths. “Am I going to be tied down again?”
“I hope not. We don’t like to use force to achieve our goals. Hopefully you will soon see that. We have four levels here, though you will be confined to the lower two. The second floor is the eating-disorders unit; drug and alcohol on the third; and the top floor is extended-stay and terminal care.”
Wow, fun times.
“And where am I?” I didn’t imagine they had a floor for multiple lives.
“This is the first floor; it treats mood disorders and provides intensive care. For now, you will be confined to your room until you earn privileges.”
“Privileges?”
He nodded. “Once we start working together and you show a willingness to cooperate, we can add privileges to your daily program. Outside time, personal items, television, phone—those kinds of things.”
He checked his watch while I stared at him in horror. Privileges? As in out-frickin’-side time? I was in prison!
There was a knock at the door and Ethan came in.
“I’m off now, but I’ll be back tonight, Levi,” he said.
“Thank you, Ethan. Leave a report for me in the morning.”
With a nod he backed out, barely glancing in my direction before closing the door. I don’t know why it upset me, but it did.
Dr. Levi turned back to me. “Right, well, I have rounds to make. We’ll meet every day at ten a.m., starting today. The nurse will bring you to my office. Do you have any questions?”
I pressed my lips together to stop from crying. When I had myself under control I ventured, “My parents said they brought some stuff?”
He pointed to the small bag on the floor. “These items have been approved, along with the clothes you were wearing when they brought you in. They’ve been washed and placed in your closet.”
I swallowed. “Is there a bathroom?”
“Yes, but you will be escorted there for now. You’ve been assigned a day nurse who will assist you.”
He saw the tears welling in my eyes and sighed. “Sabine, it will get easier. Things seem at their worst right now, but we are going to help you find the clarity you need.”
Clarity? Right. By sedating me, tying me up, and not letting me go to the bathroom on my own? Things really couldn’t be clearer.
Instead of arguing, I turned my head toward the wall. He’d never get it, and I had no intention of trying to explain anything to him.
I didn’t walk into Dr. Levi’s office expecting reclining armchairs and mahogany bookshelves, but I definitely hadn’t pictured a white-walled room—empty apart from two cheap-looking cane chairs, two cardboard boxes positioned as footstools, and a large dartboard hanging on the far wall.
My day nurse, who’d collected me from my prison cell, was the same woman who’d come to my house the previous day. She was still wearing too much blush and was small
er than I remembered. Perhaps holding a syringe added height. She ushered me into Dr. Levi’s office, holding the door open for me.
“The doctor will be here in a moment. I’ll be outside when your appointment is over to take you back to your room,” she explained.
I gave her a look that wasn’t pretty. She ignored it and shut me in the room. I didn’t bother checking the door after she left—I knew it would either be locked, or she’d be waiting on the other side. Instead, I pulled one of the rickety cane chairs to the window and took a seat facing into the sun. It was a strategic move. I wasn’t about to sit facing Dr. Levi so he could control the appointment, or me. I had attitude in this life and I’d been forgetting that. I needed to remember who I was here. With that in mind, I leaned back, slung my feet up onto the windowsill and closed my eyes.
The sun’s heat was just starting to seep into my bones when the door opened and Dr. Levi walked in. I didn’t so much as flinch; just kept my face toward the window.
“Hello, Sabine. It’s good to see you again,” he said, moving through the room.
I shrugged, but otherwise held position. “Budget cuts, huh?”
He gave a small laugh. “I just like it this way. Keeps the focus on the right things.”
“What’s that? Room echo?”
“Not exactly.” I heard the other chair creak as he sat down. “What do you think should be the focus in this room?”
Here we go.
I decided this was as good a cutoff point as any. I folded my arms across my chest.
After a stretch of silence, Dr. Levi sighed. “All right then, Sabine. I take it you’re not in the mood to chat today.”
It was something he was going to have to get used to.
“Would you like to tell me about your other life, Sabine? I’d like to hear about it. Anything you say in this room will remain between us.”
Yeah, right. I could just see it all playing out, where it would end. Me tied to the bed again. Not going to happen.
I had to give Dr. Levi credit—he didn’t seem surprised. I heard him get out of his cane chair and then a whooshing sound followed by a thud. I forced myself not to look. Was he seriously going to play darts for the whole hour?
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