by M. Garzon
“You sure you’re okay?” Seth asked me. “Can you drive?”
“Yup, I’m good. Go ahead, Seth. Have a good time.”
He hugged me quickly and got up to follow Kyle outside. I found my black hoodie in the corner of the couch and pulled it on, slipping my thumbs through the holes in the sleeves so that my hands were covered. I shuffled through the exit; the sky arced above me in the gradated grays of pre-dawn, blending smoothly into the charcoal tones of the city below it. I wondered what time it was. I was wearing a short skirt, and the wind slipped like cold fish around my bare legs. I pulled my hood over my head and walked the block to my car as briskly as I could. I fished the car keys out of my little shoulder bag as I rounded the corner, then stopped in confusion. I looked down the street, then turned and checked behind me. No car. I craned my neck to read the street sign above me. Yes, this was definitely where I’d parked — I was entirely sober, and I clearly remembered this spot. I looked around again and saw the graffiti-covered mailbox I’d parked next to. I felt a flutter of panic, which rippled out in ever-increasing waves from my core as I noticed the short orange sign on the sidewalk. A towing company. One of those temporary signs that they toss down when parking is disallowed in a place where it’s usually fine. I stood dumbly for a minute before heading back toward the party, my heart thumping. My cell phone and wallet were both in my purse, which was in my car. Seth hadn’t brought his cell either; we hadn’t wanted to lose them. There was no one at the door anymore. The bouncer must have joined the festivities. I stepped into the welcome warmth and leaned against the wall in the semi-dark entrance to try to think. I was too tired for problem-solving; my thoughts felt muddy and slow. I didn’t know anyone here. I had no phone, only five dollars cash, and no way to get home. It occurred to me that I should have gotten the towing company information — maybe I could retrieve my car since my bank card was in my purse. I hurried back, ignoring the three homeless men sleeping on grates along the way. A car slowed down next to me, the window rolling down.
“Hey, do you need a ride?” A middle-aged man with greasy long hair leaned out the window.
“No thanks,” I said tightly. I shoved my hands into my pockets and walked faster.
I spent a minute with the orange sign, committing the number to memory, before rushing back to the relative safety and warmth of the party. I wandered around the dark room, looking for a familiar face in the thinning crowd.
I spotted a girl that Seth had befriended earlier. “Do you have a phone I could borrow? My car got towed.” I could have cried with relief when she produced a cell phone, and I dialed the number I’d been repeating like a mantra since leaving the cursed orange sign. My relief all leaked out my feet, though, when an indifferent electronic voice informed me that office hours were weekdays from eight to six. I checked the phone; it was five-twenty a.m. on Sunday morning. I hedged and agonized, but there was no way around it. I’d have to call Jaden. I went to the somewhat quieter entrance hall and pushed the numbers with trembling fingers.
I almost wished he wouldn’t answer, but on the third ring I heard a click, then his sleepy voice was in my ear, intimate, familiar, and making my heart pound.
“Hey, it’s me.” I tried hard to sound normal.
“Téa... is everything all right?” He sounded immediately more alert.
I didn’t bother with too many details. I just asked him to pick me up and gave him the name of the nearest street corner, since I didn’t know the exact address.
He didn’t hesitate. “I’ll be there as soon as I can. Are you okay? Are you safe?” He was worried, but I knew that worry would convert to rage in a flash when the situation became clear to him.
“Yes,” I whispered.
After returning the phone I went and paced the cold street corner. I divided my time between heartily wishing I’d never gone to the party, berating myself for not noticing the no-parking sign, and trying to control my sick, cold dread of Jaden’s reaction. This was the last thing our relationship needed right now.
“Hey, beautiful, why don’t you come join me?”
I glanced up to see a man in his twenties staring at me from across the street. I shook my head quickly.
“Come on, don’t worry — that’s my truck right over there,” he persuaded, hitching his thumb at a pickup. “I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.” He started crossing the street towards me. He looked normal enough, but something felt off and I turned and hurried back toward the party, my shoulders hunched. I heard footsteps behind me and broke into a trot just as a car screeched to a halt next to me. I was about to bolt when I realized it was Jaden’s; he must have broken speed records to get there that fast. I halted as he ran around the hood of his car. I followed his gaze down the street but the other man had vanished. Jaden stared down at me. I thought he was about to grab me and wished he would; I desperately wanted the comfort of his touch, although I knew I didn’t deserve it.
“Get in the car.” He was breathing hard.
When I didn’t move he took my arm and pulled, yanking the door open with his other hand.
“Wait,” I pleaded. I met his gaze, burning like a brushfire. “I... I know you’re really mad right now,” I said haltingly, “but could you just hold me for a minute?” My eyes drifted downward. They hadn’t gotten far when I felt his arms enfold me. He pressed me hard against his body, hard enough to almost still the tremors running through me.
“I’m going to kill you,” he muttered into my hair.
I nodded mutely against his chest. He squeezed me tighter, until my bones creaked, but I didn’t make a sound.
He drove too fast, and without saying a word. I couldn’t help thinking about the other time I’d gone out like this. Jaden had driven me home then too, after carrying me bodily from the party. There had been a lot more yelling on that drive, but his face bore the same resemblance to livid granite. I hadn’t known him as well back then, and there was an instant when I’d actually wondered if he would get violent. And although I knew now that he wouldn’t hurt me I was more afraid this time, because this time, I had so much more to lose.
The minute we stepped inside the loft he wheeled to face me with his arms crossed over his chest.
“Start talking.”
“Please, Jaden, don’t do this,” I whispered. “Don’t turn this into a fight.”
“Pardon me?” he said. He edged closer, and I saw that dangerous muscle jumping in his jaw. “I can’t imagine what you would have to fight about, Téa — you’re in the wrong and you know it. You were caught red-handed, engaging in something you know full well you shouldn’t have been doing.”
I felt the familiar whoosh inside me as my temper broke free of its tenuous restraints. My voice shook with the effort not to yell. “I’m a grown woman, Jaden, and I make my own decisions. Yes, I knew you wouldn’t like it-”
“Not to mention that you promised-” he broke in.
“But it was my risk to take-”
“Risking your life does not only affect you!” he thundered.
I froze, watching him struggle to control himself. My feelings of guilt only made me more defensive, but I tried to explain the night’s events calmly. Which almost worked, until I got to the part about Seth leaving.
“Just wait ’til I get my hands on him,” Jaden snarled. “I can’t believe he left you alone! What was he thinking?”
“I told him to go, don’t go dragging him into this!”
“How can I not? He’s the reason you took this insane chance!”
“He’s my brother, Jaden,” I snapped, “and he had a hard week.”
“And you thought going out and getting drunk was the answer?” he asked, scathing.
“I was showing him some support without judging his choices. You might want to try that sometime.” My retort snapped like a dry branch.
He glared at me through slitted eyes. “Maybe there’s a reason you got smacked around so much, Téa,” he spat. “Maybe you need to learn
the hard way.”
I recoiled. We’d had fights before, but neither of us had ever resorted to this — to saying something downright mean to the other. I could see regret already coloring his face, but I didn’t want to be the pathetic, wounded one. I turned and stalked to the bedroom. I was almost surprised that he didn’t stop me, but he didn’t make a move. I fell onto the bed and hid my face in my hands; now that I was alone my tears flowed fast and hot. I kept quiet, though. I didn’t want him to know how much he’d hurt me. For the first time ever I wanted to leave Jaden’s house, but even if I could get there, showing up at home at this hour and obviously distressed was bound to raise questions, and I wasn’t prepared to answer any.
I wondered suddenly whether Jaden was also wishing I wasn’t here. Doubt settled onto my chest like an elephant. I considered going and talking to him, but he’d been so angry... I couldn’t bear to be wounded again so soon if he hadn’t calmed down yet. I changed for bed, stifling the occasional sob, and crawled under the covers. I was lying awake, shivering, when he let himself quietly into the room. I stayed curled in a tight ball and pretended to sleep as he got in beside me. He didn’t say anything, didn’t turn my way. I might as well not have been there, for all the notice he took of me. I felt a jagged blade dragging through my heart; I almost convulsed from the pain and fell asleep with silent tears coursing down my face.
When I awoke his arm was around me, his body warm against mine, spooning me. I froze; he must have still been sleeping. I was afraid to wake him, afraid to feel him pull away again.
“Are you awake?” he whispered.
I slipped my hand into his before nodding. He kissed my hair, and I turned, burying my face in his neck and pulling myself against his body. He held me tightly, the fact that he didn’t murmur words of comfort a clear indication of how upset he still was, too.
“Jaden, please, next time... don’t do that. Anything but that,” I said when I could speak. My face was still hidden against him.
“Do you think I said those things on purpose, Téa? That I meant to hurt you so badly?” Regret roughened his voice. “I’d do anything to take those words back.”
“It’s not so much what you said,” I whispered. “It’s that you ignored me for so long afterward. I was afraid you didn’t want me here.”
He pushed me away from his body and took my face between his hands.
“I always want you here, querida. Even when I’m angry, even when I can’t quite bring myself to speak yet, I still want you near. Don’t ever doubt that.” His eyes bored into mine, glowing with passionate sincerity. I gave a tiny nod and he released me.
It was almost midday; we hadn’t slept for long but I had to get back to the barn. Fortunately, I kept a few clothes at Jaden’s, and I pulled them on silently, brooding. Even though we’d made up somewhat, I still felt an empty, cold space between us. We barely spoke during the drive.
“I’ll come in and help you answer questions,” Jaden said quietly as he pulled up in front of the shed. We walked to the house without touching.
Dec’s eyebrows shot up at the sight of Jaden coming in with me, then drew together quickly as he turned to face me. “I thought you were going out with friends yesterday?”
“I did,” I answered quickly, wondering what explanation Seth had offered for my absence, “but I had car trouble this morning, so I called Jaden.” That was the cover story Jaden had planned.
“I’m having my mechanic look at it,” Jaden assured Dec.
Dec looked doubtful.
“I was out with my own friends last night,” Jaden assured him with a rakish grin, “until far too late. I could use some coffee.”
Dec shook his head, but I could see the beginnings of the indulgent smile he seemed to reserve only for Jaden. They headed into the kitchen and I heaved a relieved breath as I climbed the stairs to change. The sounds of arguing made me hurry back down when I was done, a loud bang nearly making me trip on the final step. I raced into the kitchen to see Jaden scowling at Seth, the muscles in his arms standing out in sharp relief. My heart jumped into my throat.
“Jaden!” I yelped.
He didn’t answer, but turned his face slightly away from me, releasing Seth from his fierce glare. Seth came over and gave me a semi-nervous grin.
“Don’t worry, Sis. Loverboy here was just expressing his concern for your welfare. Very tenderly, of course.”
I glanced over at Jaden. He was standing in profile to me, his head hanging and hands fisted at his sides.
“What was that bang?”
“Jaden slipped and had to catch himself on the table,” Seth said blandly.
The corner of Jaden’s mouth twitched up, and he looked around slowly to lock eyes with Seth. A look of understanding passed between them as he loped over to us.
“I’m glad you’re both safe,” he said softly. “But you were lucky. Both of you.” He turned his stare on me; I dropped my gaze quickly before walking him to the door.
“See you later,” he said simply. He didn’t touch me, didn’t even meet my eyes before he drove away. That alone hurt more than anything Dec could have inflicted.
I taught a lesson that afternoon. I’m sure I sounded like the zombie instructor from hell, and my students shot me weird looks, but I didn’t care. Dec refused to let me skip dinner so I endured the torture of trying to act normal. The instant it was over I hid in my bedroom. I sat, dropped my head into my hands, and pondered my idiocy. I’d gone out and done something that I knew Jaden would hate, with the people that would bother him the most: my ex-boyfriend and the guy who’d had a crush on me for six years. What was wrong with me? I loved Jaden, loved him with every fiber of my being. Why hadn’t I realized what this would do to him?
Maybe Jaden was wondering the same thing because, other than a quick text to let me know he’d gotten my car and was having it delivered, I didn’t hear from him all week. I only texted him twice and apologized both times, but my panic grew with each passing day. What if I’d pushed him past his breaking point? Being with me was no picnic — our family blamed him, his mother disapproved, and I constantly worried him. What if he’d decided I wasn’t worth it? While it would be utter hypocrisy to blame him if he had, the mere thought was enough to freeze the breath in my lungs. By Friday I couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t answer my call, but I had my car back. I drove to his place.
He was home, though I’d been prepared to wait. He let me in and stood with his arms crossed in the hallway. He said nothing while the tears pooled silently in my eyes.
“Jaden, please... forgive me,” I managed finally.
He stared hard into my eyes. “You want to be forgiven? Then tell me the truth. All of it.”
“I-I told you already,” I stammered. “Seth begged me to go. And I know I sort of lied to you, but...” my voice got quiet. I didn’t realize that I had turned away until Jaden put his hand to my face and pulled it around again. I dragged my eyes back up to his.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were going?” His voice was a knife edge, and I felt it slice inside me.
“I didn’t want to fight,” I whispered.
“Yes, thank God we dodged that bullet,” he said acidly. “Who was with you?”
“I told you, Seth, Kabir, and Kyle.” I had to strain to maintain eye contact as I said their names; I could see Jaden flinch inside.
“No one else?”
My eyes widened as I clued in. “Is that what this is really about, Jaden? I thought you said you trusted me.” Anger was sparking dangerously in my belly.
“This is about you acting like a child, Téa. Adults talk things out, they don’t sneak around doing stupid things, hoping not to get caught.”
“Fine,” I spat, “the next time I plan to do something stupid I’ll let you know in advance.”
For several endless seconds, nothing moved. And then Jaden turned and put his fist through the wall.
I jumped, my pulse drumrolling in my ears. I stayed very still as
he jerked his hand free and disappeared into the bathroom without looking at me. I coached myself through a few steadying breaths before going to stand in the doorway. He was running water over a split knuckle, the blood swirling down the drain in slick scarlet ribbons. I got a towel from the linen closet behind me, dark blue so the stains wouldn’t show, and offered it to him without finding his face. He took it with his cut hand, and with the other reached for me but stopped halfway.
“Téa... you know I’d rather die than hurt you, right?” His voice was ragged.
“Do you think it hurts any less because the blow wasn’t aimed at me?” I murmured. “That watching you hurt yourself is somehow less painful?”
The smallest of sounds escaped him, and I flung my arms around him, cursing myself for telling the truth. “I’m sorry,” I whispered against his shirt. “I didn’t mean it.”
“Yes, you did.” He said bleakly. I trembled from the effort as I dragged my eyes unwillingly to his face.
I saw it then. Under the anger in his eyes lay the hurt, like a raw wound inside him. I felt it spear right through my gut, leaving me breathless. I hadn’t trusted him. I had excluded him. I had lied to him. And I had hurt him. Tears flowed hot down my face, but they couldn’t wash away the stain of deceit on my soul.
“It was a mistake.” I could barely whisper the words. Tentatively, I kissed his neck, his jaw, his cheek... I hesitated, wondering whether he’d pull away if I touched his lips, and afraid I would die if he did. But his hand went to the back of my head, his mouth came down forcefully on mine, and we dropped ungracefully down to the floor, only managing to get halfway undressed before melding our bodies together. The wooden planks were hard, and before long Jaden rolled us over, pulling me on top of him. I knew he was using his body to cushion me against the floor’s hardness, and this small act of kindness, of protection, was at once so typical and so unexpected, given his anger, that it almost caused my tears to fall again. I focused on making love to him instead, desperate to demonstrate with my body what I couldn’t adequately express with words.