Renaissance Man

by M. Garzon

  “I hear you’ve had a trying day. I wish someone had rung me,” she commented.

  “We were rushing the whole time,” I explained. “And we didn’t think... I mean...” I paused.

  Gran smiled. “I could have fed you and the horses, at least. I’m not quite useless yet, you know.”

  “I never understood why you moved away from the barn, Gran,” Seth said. He had always loved having her around.

  “It seemed the right thing to do when Dec and your mother were married. Every new married couple needs some space and privacy.”

  “We did talk about building another house at the time,” Dec said.

  Seth brightened. “Why don’t we do that now? I think it’s a great idea.”

  “Now’s not the time for us to be building,” Dec said with a significant look at Gran.

  Seth and I exchanged a look.

  “Today’s emergency underlies a few things,” Dec began in what I imagined was his ‘official meeting voice’ when he was at work. “First of all, the barn’s getting old. The pipes need to be replaced or we’re going to be facing more situations like today’s.”

  I sagged at the very prospect. The flood had been traced to a broken pipe in the horses’ automatic waterbowl system, which meant we’d be watering half the horses by hand with buckets until it could be fixed.

  “You’ve done a good job of sprucing the place up, Téa, and with Seth finishing the paint job on the fences,” he hesitated and glanced over at Gran, but her eyes were on her folded hands, resting on the table.

  Dec seemed to gather himself. “It’s a good time to put the place up for sale.”

  It took me a second to realize the sound I’d heard came from me.

  “But... I thought you weren’t going to sell at least until we were done school,” Seth protested. Hectic spots of red on his pale cheeks highlighted his agitation.

  “You’re not in school,” Dec pointed out. He looked into his tea. “My brother and sister have been pressuring me, and there isn’t really a good reason to resist. And in any case, it may take a long time to sell.”

  I stood up. I felt as though all the elements of my life were whirling around me, out of control and dizzying. “If we sell, then what the hell have the last ten years been for?” I yelled.

  The look Dec gave me was weary. “They were for you to grow up.”

  I swallowed back a sob and raced upstairs. A minute later Seth joined me; he sprawled backward on my bed and I stopped my pacing to slump next to him, one leg folded beneath me.

  Seth crossed his arms behind his head and I noticed his biceps bulge. He’d returned from Europe thinner than when he’d left, but was quickly regaining the muscles he’d lost.

  “Way to keep the doors of communication open, Sis,” he commented wryly.

  “I’m tired, give me a break.” I scrubbed my hand over my face. “What do you think about this whole thing?”

  He thought about it for a long minute, his blond brows pulled down in concentration. “I think that maybe we don’t get much of a say,” he said finally.

  I gave a tiny nod. I’d been feeling the same way. “Do you get the feeling that Dec’s been biding his time until he could get out of here?” I felt as miserable as I had the first time I’d entertained the thought.

  “Nah, it’s not that bad. He loves being the boss of this place, but maybe he’s ready to move on. Maybe Joanne’s leaning on him, too.”

  “I wonder how Gran feels about it,” I mused.

  He nudged me with his knee. “If it weren’t for your dramatic exit you could’ve asked her. But I don’t think she wants to sell — I mean, she built this business from the ground up.”

  “I know, right? What is wrong with this family?!”

  He grinned. “You want an itemized list?”

  I studied him carefully. “How do you feel now that you’re back? Do you feel like you’re more a part of the family, or less?”

  “You’re wondering whether we have a right to fight for this place.”

  I nodded. “The lease is valid as long as one of Granddad’s descendants runs the place. But Jaden said that Uncle Peter could fight us over that.” I clutched my damp hair. “Is it worth fighting to keep a family business if it ends up alienating the family? They obviously feel we don’t have the right to it.”

  “Gran does,” Seth pointed out. “And so does Dec; he just doesn’t want us to have this life. He gave me the speech again just the other day, about what a hard way this is to make a living. I guess now I know why.”

  I understood Dec’s concerns. Working with horses isn’t a job, it’s an all-consuming lifestyle. Some aspects of it are tough — winter, for instance. Around February of every year I started dreaming about nice cozy indoor jobs, jobs without frozen water buckets and frozen fingers. I always worked weekends, but on the other hand, I was free to go places during the week when they were less crowded. I had a certain flexibility and control over what I did. And beyond all of that, I loved being with the horses. I loved the little things like tucking in the barn at night or being able to kiss a velvety nose whenever I wanted, and I loved the big things, that deep sense of connection, the way a horse’s majesty could still, after all these years, leave me breathless. I’d grown up with this life. But at the moment, I didn’t see how I could possibly keep it.

  Fourteen

  I shuffled mindlessly through school the next day. I recognized the symptoms I’d suffered after Blaze’s death two years before, and with a sense of panic realized I’d have to fight to stay afloat. The last time I’d been this depressed, Jaden had saved me, but that wasn’t going to happen this time. And in a way, I didn’t want it to. I wanted to pull myself up by my own bootstraps. I needed to find myself in all of this, before Jaden and I had any chance of succeeding as a couple. I wanted to be strong. If only I didn’t feel so wretched, it would be a lot easier. My sore throat was finally gone, and my voice was back, but my appetite wasn’t. That wasn’t a surprise though, since my stomach was usually quick to react to stress.

  Mid-morning on Saturday I was setting up a course in the main ring when a strange car pulled in. Two kids shot out, followed more slowly by a middle-aged woman. She stood there for a moment, looking all around her with a small smile. I felt a roll of uneasiness and wondered whether Dec had told anyone of his plans to sell, but at that moment Gran stepped outside, dusting her hands on her pants.

  “Kate!” the woman exclaimed. She hurried over to Gran and hugged her before waving her children over. Gran caught my eye, smiling widely, and beckoned me over as well.

  The children dashed off as soon as they’d been introduced, and Gran turned to me. “I’d like you to meet Charlotte.”

  “I learned to ride here thirty-five years ago.” Charlotte spoke with animation. “I must have ridden here for what, ten years?” she inquired of Gran, who nodded. “I was so happy when we moved back to the area. Now my kids can learn to love horses in the same place that I did.”

  I went to help Seth round up his new students while Charlotte went to the house to have tea with Gran. Gran walked her out after the kids’ lesson, and they hugged again before Charlotte wrangled her kids into the car.

  “She was one of my first serious students,” Gran commented as the car bumped down the driveway. “And she was the first to join the Pony Club I started. That’s when the business began to flourish, you know, when I opened the first local Pony Club branch.”

  “I didn’t know that.” I glanced over at Seth; I didn’t need to speak my thoughts aloud.

  He faced Gran. “You’ve given your whole life to this place, Gran. Do you really want to sell it?”

  She seemed to deflate suddenly, looking smaller and older than I’d ever seen her. “I’d like for my children to be happy and get along peaceably, and it appears that selling is the only way to achieve that.” She reached up and brushed Seth’s hair out of his eyes; he was frowning. “I don’t feel it’s fair to you children, if that’s what you’r
e wondering. I would rather have given you the choice of keeping it.”

  I didn’t know whether Gran’s declaration made me feel better or worse, and when Teri came over the next day we discussed it at length, sitting at the picnic table in the shade of an old oak. She had started riding again and seemed as recovered as was possible after her ordeal.

  “Do you regret becoming a jockey?” I asked her quietly.

  “Not as much as I would have regretted not ever trying. When I’m an old granny I’ll still have those memories, and I’m going to be a better nurse because of everything that happened.”

  I understood her perfectly; I had always thought I’d rather live a short, passionate life than a long, indifferent one.

  “Would you have done anything differently if someone you loved had begged you to?” I wondered.

  “It’s hard to say,” she said slowly. “I’ve never loved anyone the way you love Jaden.”

  Which was exactly why this was so hard, I thought. Jaden’s absence had left a ball of ice growing in my chest, and although we texted almost every day, the distance between us was more than physical. Every night I sat down and wrote him an email, an email I almost never sent. That night was no different.

  Your scent is in all my dreams.

  It may have been maudlin, but it was the closest I could get to him.

  My spirits rose marginally the following week because the cast was due to come off. I went to the hospital in Guelph between classes and sat through the usual wait for X-rays before seeing the orthopedist.

  He shook his head. “There’s a slight shadow on your X-ray. You’d better keep the cast on for another two weeks to be safe.”

  I stomped back to school, alternately miserable and furious, but mid-terms had begun and I eventually resigned myself to studying. The week dragged by, and on Monday morning I was sorely tempted to ditch school, but I forced myself back there and trudged into my Mammalian Physiology lab. Charlie was already set up at our bench.

  “Don’t you look chipper this morning.” He grinned as I slumped into the seat next to him.

  I rested my head on my folded arms until Professor Morty started to speak. He was a wiry man with steel-grey hair and a surprisingly deep voice.

  “As you know, in this course we’ve undertaken a detailed study of the physiology of the nervous, endocrine, reproductive, cardiovascular and digestive systems. We will examine each system in the lab as we cover the corresponding material in lectures. To that end, today we will begin our dissection of fetal pigs. One person from each table can come up and collect your specimen.”

  Charlie glanced at me, smirked, and went to get our pig. He came back bearing a silver tray with a little pink body on it, and we listened to Professor Morty’s directions on how to properly cut it open.

  Charlie handed me the scalpel. “Ladies first.”

  I swallowed. I wasn’t squeamish in the least, and I’d seen death before. I’d once held a dying mare’s head in my lap, and I’d watched my own mother disappear before my eyes. And when you work with animals, you deal with body fluids on a daily basis. So why was I hesitating?

  I shook myself and began the incision. It was hard to figure out how much pressure to use; I didn’t want to cut too deep or the underlying tissues would be damaged, but cutting a millimeter at a time would take all day. The skin over the thorax split open, revealing tiny fibers and smooth membrane. I dropped the scalpel and ran to the bathroom, barely making it into a stall before throwing up. One of the teaching assistants came in as I was rinsing my mouth.

  “Are you okay?” she asked. There was a smile hiding behind her concern. “Don’t worry, we get a few every semester.”

  I shook my head. “It’s not like that. I mean, it’s not because of the dissection. I think I’m coming down with something.”

  “Uh-huh,” she said, unconvinced.

  The smell of formaldehyde hit me like a solid thing when I walked back into the lab, and my face reddened as scattered snickers trailed me.

  “You okay?” The concern in Charlie’s eyes was real, and his face betrayed no hint of his usual joking manner. “I can take over if you want.”

  “Yeah, thanks,” I said faintly. I still felt like gagging, and class seemed very long. I tried to stay away from the piglet as much as possible.

  I rushed outside as soon as the lab was over and gulped in huge lungfuls of the late October air. I felt better almost immediately.

  “How about a nice ham sandwich for lunch?” Charlie came up next to me.

  “Only if you’re buying.”

  I ended up eating a bagel, which seemed to settle my stomach a bit. It was just as well that I still couldn’t ride, though, because I was out of sorts for the rest of the day. I taught one lesson, studied a bit, and fell into bed exhausted.

  Apparently, I didn’t look much better when I staggered into the kitchen the next morning.

  “Don’t tell me you’re getting sick again.” Dec perused my face carefully.

  “I think I’m just tired.” I grabbed some coffee and headed out the door. Other than the tiredness, I was okay for the rest of the day — until I came home and saw Hades being ridden by a stranger.

  I shot out of my car and ran to the ring. “Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I yelled as I slipped between the fence boards. When he turned toward me I staggered to a stop. The man on Hades was Paul Baker, a favorite for Canada’s next Olympic team. My heart sank like a stone.

  “Téa!” Monica called in a singsong voice. “Have you met Paul? He was good enough to agree to tackle Hades until you’re up to riding again.”

  My eyes narrowed. Paul was a well-known professional; he wouldn’t be riding a horse without charging a hefty fee. And he wasn’t likely to give that income up once my wrist was healed.

  He hopped off Hades and held out his hand. “Téa, right? I remember you from the Royal last year. That was some ride.”

  I couldn’t help being flattered and felt my scowl ease as I shook hands awkwardly with my left hand. His was big and completely engulfed mine; Paul was a tall man.

  “Don’t worry, dear, it’s only temporary,” Monica assured me brightly. I doubted it, though. Even with the delay, my cast would be off well before the Royal. I could have ridden Hades there. I heard the details Monica gave me through a fog and took refuge in the house as soon as I could. I was alone, and paced around aimlessly while ignoring the tears that fell by my feet.

  “Dammit, Jaden,” I growled as I grabbed the phone. I’d done things his way and look where it had gotten me. Exactly where I’d been afraid of ending up — without a jumper to ride, again. Jaden didn’t answer, but I left him an angry message telling him exactly what I thought of his anti-riding edict. Then I went out to the barn and tacked up Cal.

  Jaden called that night. “Nice to hear from you,” he said wryly.

  I took a deep breath. Now that I’d heard his voice, smooth and warm, I was suddenly a lot less angry.

  “Hades is moving out.” My own voice was tight.

  There was a pause. “Querida, I’m so sorry,” he breathed. “Why?”

  “Why?” My outrage returned in a rush of flames. “Because you told me not to ride, that’s why! And because I was stupid enough to listen to you! I rode Cal today and I was fine, totally fine!”

  “You did what?” His voice went suddenly cold. I could feel its edge sliding against my skin.

  “You heard me,” I said quietly. “I’m through being a good little girl and taking orders from everyone. It’s my career and my life at stake here.”

  The silence on the phone was louder than my voice had been. “Your life is more important to me than my own, Téa.”

  “My life as it relates to yours, you mean!” I shouted.

  We didn’t say much more. I hung up still angry; Jaden, for his part, sounded more shocked than anything. But what had he expected? I was losing everything.

  * * *

  Two days later I was beginning t
o feel like tiredness was my perpetual state. I watched enviously as Seth assembled a large breakfast for himself.

  “Want some?’ he offered through a mouthful of waffles.

  My stomach twisted at the thought of eating. “No thanks.”

  He finished chewing and examined me with concern. “You don’t look so good. Maybe you should go to the doctor’s.”

  “I’m okay.” I yawned sleepily. However, as the morning progressed I felt increasingly strange, so when I had a break between classes I went to the clinic at school and spoke to the nurse. She was a motherly-looking woman in lavender scrubs.

  “There’s a flu bug going around,” she said as she stuck a thermometer under my tongue. “Don’t worry, dear, we’ll have you right as rain in no time.”

  Afterward, I went and sat on an outdoor bench, gulping the crisp air in an effort to clear the haze from my head. It didn’t work, though, and I drove home in a kind of stupor. When I shuffled into the house Seth looked at me curiously. His gaze quickly shifted to alarm.

  “What’s wrong?”

  I gestured weakly to the stairs and he followed me to my room. I collapsed into the chair and stared at him as he perched on the bedside.

  “Did you go to the clinic today?” he prompted.

  I nodded dumbly.

  “And? What’s wrong with you?”

  I swallowed loudly. “I have any-time-of-day sickness,” I whispered.

  “What kind of bogus disease is that?” He laughed. “Sounds like an excuse to get out of work to me.”

  I cleared my throat but could still hardly get my voice above a whisper. “Well, some people refer to it as morning sickness.” His face went slack with shock. His mouth fell open. It would have been comical if it weren’t so serious.

  “But... but...”

  “I know.”

  He leaned forward and took my hand. It felt icy in his warm grip.

  “How could this happen.” I was still whispering.

  “Well, we had this talk with mom, but I’ll walk you through it again. When a man and a woman love each other very much-”