by M. Garzon
I would’ve hit him, but I was too tired. “No, I mean — we used birth control. We were careful, we-”
Seth slapped his hands over his ears. “T.M.I., Sis!”
I felt myself dissolving.
“Hey, hey, don’t cry,” he soothed. He pulled me from the chair and sat me next to him on the bed. He got me a tissue before wrapping his arm around me. “It’ll be all right.”
But I didn’t believe him. Nothing would ever be right again.
* * *
Although I was tired, now that I knew the reason for it I couldn’t sleep. I lay in bed rigid with fear. I tried to think rationally about the situation but found I couldn’t, and I finally gave up in frustration. I ran my hands over my breasts; they were swollen and sore, but I’d attributed that to my impending period. I slid my hands down further to my flat abdomen. It didn’t feel any different than usual. I certainly couldn’t detect the presence of a potential person in there. Ugh. The thought made me shudder. I’d always found the idea of pregnancy distasteful.
School the next day was entirely a waste of time. When I got home Seth was feeding hay and I picked up a bale to start feeding the school horses.
“Hey, put that down.” Seth strode over quickly, frowning. I dropped the bale, startled.
“You shouldn’t be lifting that,” he went on.
“Seth!” I hissed, looking wildly around us.
“No one heard,” he murmured, moving closer. “And anyway, they’ll look at your arm.” As though I needed any further reminders that I was falling apart. I sat heavily on the bale.
“Let me finish and we’ll go talk,” he promised.
I went to the house to dump my things in the meantime, feeling queasy and useless. Seth came and found me in my room. He straddled my desk chair and rested his arms along the back.
“Have you thought about what you want?” His eyes were grave.
“What I want is to turn back the clock and have this never happen. I want to never know what it feels like to be pregnant, but it’s too late for that.”
“So you don’t want to be pregnant,” he said slowly.
“Of course not.” I dropped my head into my hands. It felt like it weighed a hundred pounds.
“Are you going to end the pregnancy?” His voice was strangely quiet.
I peered up at him. Strands of my hair drew dark lines across his face. “Oh, how I wish it were that simple. Jaden wants kids, Seth. If I do that, will I ever be able to look him in the eye again?”
“Well, it’s not like you have to decide today,” he said.
“The sooner the better, though. I feel like a ticking time bomb.”
He started biting his thumbnail. I resisted the urge to pull his hand away.
“Don’t you want to talk to Jaden about this?”
I felt the sharp twist of guilt. It was a question I’d grappled with half the night. “Not yet,” I murmured. “If I tell him now, I know what will happen, and I’m not ready for it.”
Seth’s blue bottle-glass eyes searched mine. “What will happen?”
“When Jaden finds out, he’ll come home, insist on marrying me, and my life as I know it will be over. My choices will all be taken away from me. No riding jumpers, no Olympics, no traveling to shows.”
My brother’s face was serious. “Would that be so horrible? You love him.”
I groaned in misery and buried my face back in my hands. “Yes, I love him. But thinking of that life makes me feel like I’m drowning in molasses.”
He reached out and patted my shoulder.
“Besides,” I went on, “did you know that if you get married before the age of twenty, you have almost an eighty percent chance of ending up divorced?”
Seth made a huffing sound. “You and your research, Sis. Do you really think you and Jaden will end up as a statistic?”
I raised my face and frowned at him. “No, but neither does any other nineteen-year-old in love. That’s the point. Statistically, the older you are when you get married, the likelier you are to stay that way. The same goes for kids — the longer people wait, the happier they are with their decision.”
“So it’s a numbers game to you?”
“No.” I sagged. “But it’s all happening so fast. I guess I’m trying to wrap my head around it. What if I can never ride the same way after having a baby? What if my body changes? Remember how mom’s tailbone used to ache whenever she sat for too long?” My mother had broken her tailbone while delivering Seth and me — not an unusual occurrence, apparently.
A look of alarm crossed his face. “Um, maybe you should talk to Teri about that... or, you know, some other girl.”
I smiled weakly at him. “You’re such a guy.” My smile faded. “But I can’t tell anyone else before I tell Jaden. It wouldn’t be fair.”
The only ray of light was that Dec was leaving on a trip the following morning, a cruise arranged by Joanne. He left in a flurry of last-minute instructions, looking harassed rather than like someone on their way to their first vacation in years. My nerves were stretched as tight as piano wires, but at least I wouldn’t have to hide that fact in my own home.
I debated discussing my situation with Susan later that day, and I still hadn’t decided by the time I got to my session.
Susan started off differently this time. “Tell me the first word that comes to mind when you think of Dec.”
I thought for a second. “Intransigent.”
She smiled gently. “That’s a good word, but was it really the first one that came to you?”
“No,” I said quietly. “It was ‘disapproval’.”
She nodded, unsurprised. “Dec is the only father you’ve ever known, and he’s the only parent you’ve got left. A part of you wants his approval and love, wants to make him happy. And since you know that he doesn’t approve of your choice of riding as a career, you may be subconsciously holding yourself back. You don’t feel free to give it your absolute best.”
I sat and absorbed her opinion. It didn’t shock me, which made me think there was probably a kernel of truth to it. Finally, I faced her, dejected.
“How do I get past it?” I asked.
“It’s natural to want our parents’ approval, and it’s a difficult thing to let go of. But in your case, you haven’t even stated your intention to go against your dad’s wishes — you’re still on the fence. You’re trying to pursue your dream halfway while still making him proud, and you have to ask yourself if you think that will work out for you. If you can’t do it halfway, are you willing to live your life according to his expectations? If not, are you willing to deal with his displeasure and possible alienation?”
I felt myself slump. She was right. It wasn’t in my nature to do things halfway, and yet I’d fallen into that trap and not even seen it close around me.
I returned to school still submerged in the revelations of the counseling session. As I searched out a washroom I recognized a girl from one of my classes heading the same way. She went into the stall next to mine, and I was washing my hands when she came out. Her eyes met mine in the mirror; she must have seen the slight double-take I did. She’d gone in wearing a head covering, one of those religious things that covered everything but her face, and a long flowing skirt. But she had emerged shaking free her glorious, shiny black hair. Instead of the ankle-length skirt she’d come in with, she was wearing shorts. I was trying to be discreet in my glances but she must have noticed.
“Yes,” she said. “I change out of them every day when I get here.”
“Why do you wear them at all then?” I asked shyly. “Does your family expect you to?”
She nodded. “We’re Muslims, it’s our custom.”
I got a piece of paper off the roll and dried my hands thoughtfully. I didn’t want to pry, and I was worried about offending her, but I was also raging with curiosity.
When I looked up she was watching me with a confident, open smile. I smiled back.
“Would they be angry if they knew?” I a
sked, probably more bluntly than I should have.
She shook her head slowly. “No. They’d be heartbroken,” she said.
“I understand,” I said softly. And I did. I shuffled slowly to class, thinking about the crazy things I was doing in order to maintain harmony in my own family. For Dec- I stopped in my tracks; someone bumped into me before the stream of students parted to go around me. Dec wasn’t really the one I was compromising myself for, I realized suddenly. It was Jaden. It was for Jaden that I wasn’t riding, for Jaden that I was still in school, for Jaden that I was considering changing not only my body but the course of my entire future.
Every time I bent to someone else’s will, every small concession I made, took me a bit further away from who I was. At this rate, I was afraid that I’d wake up one morning and not even recognize myself — and by then, the person that Jaden had fallen in love with would be gone.
I sat through an agonizingly long lecture before driving home. The first nip of fall was in the air, and I breathed in the fresh air gratefully as I tugged my backpack out of the car. It helped quell my nausea.
Seth motioned me over to the barn. “I need help turning out Gracie and Smoothie.”
The colt was learning to lead now, although we still relied on his instinct to follow his mother. I clipped on his leadrope and we followed Gracie and Seth. Once outside, however, Smoothie balked. He pulled backward on his halter, his little nose in the air, acting every bit the independence-seeking toddler he was.
“Here, let me,” Seth said calmly. He took the long cotton leadrope out of my hand and, in one fluid motion, flipped it over the colt’s body. The leadrope now ran along the foal’s off side and around his rump; Seth had one hand near the halter and the other on the lead’s end.
“Come on, little guy. You need to stay with your mama,” he encouraged. With Seth on one side and pressure from the leadrope on the other two, the only way for the foal to move was forward. He tucked his bum under and scooted forward a few steps before raising his head and prancing the rest of the way to Gracie’s side. Obviously, he was trying to give the impression that coming along had been his own idea. We got to the paddock, and Seth and I unclipped our leadropes simultaneously and watched mother and son trot off together.
“Pretty smooth, bro,” I said appreciatively. “You picked up a few tricks while you were away.”
He smiled at me. “I guess. I really liked working with the babies in Ireland.”
I nodded thoughtfully. It made perfect sense now that I thought about it; Seth’s sweet nature and patience were perfectly suited to working with youngsters.
“In fact, I realized that I truly enjoy working with horses in general. Which sucks since we’ll be out of a barn soon. Not to mention a home.”
On that sad note, we went inside.
Gran was supposed to be staying with us while Dec was gone, but after dinner, she surprised us. “I think you two are old enough to handle things on your own, don’t you?”
Seth and I shared a relieved glance. “Absolutely,” he assured her.
“Thank God,” I groaned after she’d left. “Now I don’t have to pretend. I’m going to bed. Oh, and I’m not going to school tomorrow either.”
“Aren’t you worried about Cal?” I’d told Seth about Dec’s threat.
“He said he’d sell him if I quit. He didn’t say anything about flunking out.”
After a solid twelve hours of sleep I felt halfway human again, and after some coffee and toast, I made my way slowly to the barn. One of the boarders drew me aside as soon as I’d stepped inside.
“I need to post-date my board check this month. It’s only by a week or so. That’s not a problem, is it?” I tried to recall whether Dec had said anything about this situation. He probably had — he’d spouted off at length about seemingly everything — but my slow brain couldn’t find it.
“Um, sure, I guess that’s fine,” I told her.
Five minutes later it was Alan. “The feed store says there’s none of our regular supplement in stock. What other brand do you want?”
By the day’s end, Seth was almost as exhausted as me. When Dec was around, the business ran like clockwork. The vet, farrier, osteopath, equine dentist, and other specialists were regularly scheduled. Feed, supplements, and bedding were re-stocked on time. Hay was grown, cut, baled and stored. The arena and rings were dragged and watered to even out the footing and keep down dust. The tractor and conveyor were maintained, buildings repaired, and grounds kept looking presentable. Money was collected; bills and employees were paid. Although I was peripherally involved with many of these things, I had never realized how much work went into making them happen.
The cast came off at last. My wrist was stiff, and I threw myself into physiotherapy with determination. Stephanie had finally had her baby — a girl — but once she was back at work I planned to get osteopathic treatments as well. In the meantime I was overjoyed to be able to ride again. Dec was due home in two days, and I was still frozen with indecision about my situation.
“You’ve got to decide soon,” Seth pointed out that night.
“I know. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, will you come with me?”
He nodded solemnly.
“It’s a preliminary visit,” I said to his unvoiced question. “They’ll only ask questions, I think.”
That night I had a dream. I saw a small, laughing, golden-haired child. My heart gave a loving lurch as I recognized Jaden from his childhood photos. There was someone else, though, on the periphery... I couldn’t see her clearly, but somehow I knew it was a girl, the way you just know things in dreams. She was around the same age as the boy, with straight brown hair. Jaden’s sister, I assumed. When I struggled to wakefulness the tendrils of the dream still held me. It couldn’t have been Lexie in my dream, I realized sleepily, because Jaden’s sister was four years older than him and had curly hair. Suddenly I felt as if all the air was being sucked out the room. The children in my dream — those were mine. I supposed my subconscious had provided two children because, as a twin, I could no more imagine life without a sibling than life without limbs.
At the appointment, they did an ultrasound. I found myself lying on my back with my jeans pushed down past my hips and my shirt pulled up, hating how vulnerable I felt.
“Why do I have to do this?” I griped.
“We need to determine how far the pregnancy’s progressed,” the ultrasound tech said. She sounded bored, like she’d given the same answer a hundred times that day.
Seth took my hand. “Behave yourself, Sparky, and I’ll buy you an ice cream after.”
“And I’ll puke it up.”
My skin shrank away from the cold blue gel the technician squirted onto my abdomen. She moved a bulbous instrument through the gel, pressing it firmly against my muscles.
She straightened suddenly. “Oh.”
“Oh, what?” I asked. “What does ‘oh’ mean?”
“Don’t worry, the doctor will tell you everything you need to know.”
We were both quiet as Seth drove us home afterward. “Dec’s coming home tomorrow, and you can’t hide this much longer.” We shared a wondering look. The whole pregnancy seemed so much more real since our experience that afternoon.
Dec came home in a fine mood, other than groaning about all the food on board the cruise ship and how much weight he’d gained.
His gaze raked over me. “You could stand to go on a cruise.”
I went cold. I knew I wasn’t looking my best; my hard-won muscle mass was fast disappearing and the constant nausea had left me gaunt and pale. According to the doctor, I was nine weeks pregnant. I didn’t know how long it would take before it began to show in obvious ways.
“He knows something’s up,” Seth warned me during the bedtime check. We were alone; Dec had gone to bed early.
I stopped suddenly and leaned back against a stall, wishing I’d worn something warmer than the long-sleeved T-shirt I had on. I hugged m
yself.
“I can’t do this,” I said in a strangled voice.
Seth came and lounged next to me. His pale lashes cast soft shadows across his cheekbones in the dim light. “Which ‘this’ would that be?”
“Either. Both. I don’t know.” I covered my face with my hands. “I don’t want this pregnancy. I don’t want the life it will doom me to. But it’s a part of Jaden, something he wants so badly... and I don’t think I can let go of that.”
He slipped a brotherly arm around me. “Either way, I’m here for you. I’ll pick up all your marbles if you lose’em. And maybe Jaden won’t react the way you think he will.”
“Maybe.” I’d hardly talked to Jaden over the past few weeks. He’d sent me a small gift for my birthday, a cup engraved with a horse and a kind of perforated spoon used to drink maté, an Argentinean tea. We texted and emailed every few days, but our correspondence was strained by the weight of all we were leaving unsaid. I saw the occasional picture or video of him online. In addition to helping at his uncle’s ranch, he was also riding in matches again, and was playing with all of his old ferocity.
Although what I’d told my brother was true, there was another element to my newfound ambivalence. Since my dream, the pregnancy had felt different to me, as though the child inside me was living so close to my heart that he was leaving his handprints on it.
* * *
The following afternoon was grey and threatened rain. I decided to ride Cal in the indoor arena, where we were alone except for Seth. As soon as I picked up a trot my stomach roiled violently, and Cal dropped to a walk without me even asking him to. We walked along the wall until my nausea subsided, and then I pushed Cal into a trot again. I ignored my rising gorge, but we only managed to get down one long side of the arena before Cal halted.
Seth ambled over, frowning. “What’s wrong with him?”
“I have no idea,” I said, exasperated. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and willed myself to relax despite ongoing threats from my stomach to reject its meager contents. I became aware of my body, stilled my mind, and gently, even timidly, opened my heart to Cal’s feelings. This was dangerous for me now, of course. I expected at any moment to be devastated by the crushing weight of my own anguish, but it didn’t come. Instead, I felt something akin to concern. I pushed the feeling aside impatiently; of course I was concerned about Cal, but my feelings weren’t the ones I wanted to examine right now. I tried again and felt that flickering, transient awareness of an emotion that wasn’t mine. I gasped and slid to the ground, trembling.