by Dixon, Ruby
I leave the group by the fire and head in the direction of the women’s cave, then head for the outhouses out by the far end of our tent city. We have to use chamberpots inside the cave itself—something I’ll never get used to—but it’s normal for people to swing past them at all hours. I circle around them to see if anyone’s following me, and when I don’t see anyone, I take the long, winding route around the far side of the caves, avoiding the fire and sticking to the shadowy cliff wall until I reach the cluster of huts closer to the shore.
I’m barely at the door to Thrand’s hut when he grabs me and pulls me inside, a chuckle in his throat.
“You came after all,” he says, cupping my face and pressing a kiss to my mouth.
“I did,” I tell him softly, my arms encircling his neck.
I don’t think I could stay away if I tried.
15
NADINE
For the next week, we fall into a pattern of sorts. Every morning, we either do chores around camp or head out hunting. It’s hard to find time to be alone together—most hunts are group activities because there’s safety in numbers and we lack experience. On the days I’m not hunting, I’m helping around camp—cleaning, cooking, working hides—and Thrand always manages to find me, no matter what.
Sometimes the man irks me, because he truly does love to turn everything into a challenge. Am I in charge of breakfast that morning? Thrand will show up and insist that he can cook it faster than me. He can scrape a skin faster than I can, or carry more weight, or mend more nets. Raahosh gets annoyed with him, I think, and sends him off to work with some of the other men on a platform that will eventually be a second longhouse here on the beach—a community meeting place where we can all hang out instead of around the fire on the beach. More and more huts are going up over time, I suspect, and Liz is excited to finally get her floor.
I think the hut building helps us keep our “secret.” People are distracted by the longhouse floor being built, and the potential for more huts for the rest of the tribe that doesn’t have huts and still live in tents. It’s definitely not still a secret because we’re so good at hiding our expressions. I feel like I’m wearing a badge on my chest that says OBVIOUSLY GETTING SOME. I spend as much time as possible with Thrand, I leave the fire early most nights because I’m sneaking over to his hut, and I’m pretty sure I’ve giggled more in this week than I ever thought possible.
I’ve also gotten multiple smoking-hot orgasms a night, so if it means I’m a little obvious, I’m okay with that.
I find that I look forward to getting together every night with Thrand—the moment I show up, he’s all about giving me pleasure. He goes down on me several times a night, just for the sheer joy of seeing me come. Sometimes he lets me go down on him, but it’s quite clear that the focus is on me because he likes it, not because he wants something out of it.
It’s…impressive.
We haven’t had sex yet. Neither one of us has brought it up. There’s something about just fooling around that makes this seem…like we’re not quite committed just yet. I feel like if his dick goes into my body, I’m going to have to move in with him because he won’t take no for an answer after that. This way, if we’re just kissing and trading oral, I’m avoiding Bridget’s big mistake.
At least that’s how it is in my head, anyhow.
It’s funny, too, that being around Thrand somehow makes me feel a little more settled in the world here. Like for the first time, I’m starting to acknowledge that I’m never going to see my sisters or the rest of my family ever again. That I won’t see Earth or a hot shower or Starbucks ever again. And it aches, sure, but I’m getting better at dealing with the ache. I don’t have to spend the day curled up in my bunk and staring at the wall, too overcome with memories to get out of bed. If I miss them, I can tell Thrand all about my sisters and how I’m missing them this day because Flor cracked a joke that made me think of my sister Jordan and how much she loved stupid jokes. Thrand listens to everything and it makes me feel better to know that I can talk about them and not worry that I’m burdening others with my sadness. All of us humans have lost something by being stranded here. All of us left friends, family, and jobs behind. Thrand is happy to be here, though. He’s free for the first time in his life, and that freedom makes him the ideal person to shoulder some of my sorrow, since I’m not adding to his.
It wasn’t a thing I realized I needed until I started to really get to know him. It wasn’t a thing I realized I was bottling up. Now I have another pair of shoulders to lean on and it feels so good.
Really good.
* * *
I dream of my sister Serena. The dream is so real and vivid, I can hear her laughter. I can smell the faint perfume she loves, and she gives me a hug and invites me to go running with her. "It's our thing," she tells me…and then I wake up. The loss hits me so real and so hard that I stare up at the ceiling of the cave, trying not to cry. Just when I think I'm doing better, I'm reminded of everyone I left behind, and the aching wound reopens once more.
My family…gone. It hurts more than it should, even after a month of grieving.
I get up, unable to sleep. I'm afraid if I close my eyes, I'll see Serena's laughing face again. I'm also afraid that I won't, that I'll dream about something else, and that somehow seems worse. So I put on my boots quietly, layer up, and head out into the cold morning. It's before dawn, the skies completely and utterly gray and dreary. I look around but it's just two of the Shadow Cat hunters by the fire, and I don't feel like making small talk, so I tuck my hands into the folds of my leather wraps and head down to the beach. It's cold and the water looks like slush even as it rolls in with endless waves. I stare at them for a bit, and then I remember my dream.
And I start to jog down the beach, leathers and all, because running makes me think of Serena. I jog all the way down to the distant tide pools, and then start back in the other direction. It's quiet and I'm alone with my thoughts and the roar of the waves. I sweat under my layers as I jog, and I keep waiting to feel the familiar closeness that running brings. I wait for it to remind me of Serena, but I just feel…alone.
I'm so lost in my own head I don't notice Thrand coming up until he jogs in place beside me. Of course he does. Thrand seems to constantly be attuned to everything I say and do, so this doesn't feel surprising. He doesn't tell me to stop, or challenge me to a race. He just jogs at my side as I go up and down the length of the long beach, and when I turn around before I get too far, he turns and goes with me.
He's just…keeping me company.
Oddly enough, it does help. With him at my side, the “alone” feeling fades a little. I slow to a walk, putting my hands on my hips, and study him as he keeps pace with me. "You're up early."
"So are you."
I stare down the beach. Another couple has woken up at this point, and I can just barely make out Devi and N'dek in the distance, moving toward the shore, no doubt looking for something for Devi's science projects. I glance over at Thrand. "Maybe you shouldn't be here. Someone's going to see us together."
"Let them see. You look unhappy."
"What do you mean?" I haven't said a thing to him, so I'm a little surprised he's so observant.
"I can tell," Thrand says. He lifts his chin, indicating me as I walk at his side. "I know what a happy Nadine looks like and today you are different. It is in the way you carry yourself." He pauses to pick up a shell, studies it, then tosses it back into the waves and looks over at me again. "You are thinking about your sisters?"
The knot in my throat tightens. I nod. Weirdly enough, his observation helps. I feel less alone.
I feel seen. Understood.
It's a good feeling. The knot eases. I think my sister Serena would like Thrand. For all that he's brash and competitive, he's also observant and understanding. "Bad dreams," I tell him.
He grunts. "Come. I will make you your morning meal in my hut and we will talk."
I hesitate, glancing down the beach
. Devi's leaning over a dark patch on the sands, N'dek at her side. We've walked close enough that I can see his prosthetic leg, the braid dangling over his shoulder…and the way he leans in closer to Devi as if he wants to touch her even now. They're not paying a bit of attention to us, but I think about the two hunters by the fire. "Someone might see—"
"Then let them see." Thrand stares at me, his voice firm.
Is he asking me to go public with our flirtation? Asking me for more? I don't know what to think. Our eyes meet and he holds my gaze, unafraid. It's not quite a challenge…but there's something in his eyes.
He holds his hand out to me, waiting.
After a moment's hesitation, I slip my hand into his and let him lead me away from the beach, toward the distant huts. And this feels good, too. His hand in mine makes me happy. Knowing that he sees I’m in a bad mood and wants to make it better? That he wants to take care of me?
That makes me feel all kinds of things. If you’d have told me a month ago that Thrand was this caring, I’d have laughed in your face. I’d have said he didn’t give a shit about anything that wasn’t named Angie…and yet here I am, letting my secret “pleasure mate” lead me to his hut so he can take care of me and make me breakfast. He knows I’m hurting. More than that, I trust him not to hurt me but to make it better.
Life is funny that way.
Thrand's hut feels warm after the morning's icy breeze, and I sit down cross-legged near the fire as he stokes it. He puts a tripod over the fire and then fills a pouch with water, adding the seed-and-not-potato mix that acts as a breakfast meal for those of us that don't like meat first thing in the morning. As I watch, he pulls out a bit of dried fruit he must have been saving, and slices it into thin strips, adding it to the mash. Once that's done, he picks up a fur and places it over my shoulders, then tucks it around me. He rigs a second pouch to hang from the first, filling it with tea, and then cleans his cups and makes me a drink.
I take the cup from him, a little amused at all the work he's going to in order to take care of me. It's easy enough to go and grab breakfast by the central fire, but instead he's fussing over me and using his hoarded fruit supplies to make sure I have a delicious meal. "You don't have to go to all this trouble," I tell him as he adds a dried shrimp shell to my tea to give it a caffeinated kick. I just hug the thick bone cup, letting the warmth seep into my palms, watching as the leaves steep and turn it a darker shade.
"Bah. This is nothing. I am simply taking care of my female." He shrugs and gets a long-handled smooth stick, stirring the food with it. "You need someone to take care of you and I would rather do it than have you go to Shadow Cat. It is my job as your male to make you happy."
Is that what we are? I'm his girl and he's my man? We've just fooled around—we haven't even had sex—but hearing that feels…right. Sitting here letting him fuss over me feels natural. I don't protest. I take a sip of my tea and glance up at him from over my cup. "How did you know I was sad?"
"I watch everything you do. I know how you hold yourself when you are happy, and how you do when you are sad." Thrand tilts his head, watching me. "I learn these things because it is my duty to ensure you are happy. I want to be the best at making you happy."
"A contest, then?"
He grins, showing a flash of white teeth. "Strangely enough, no. I just like making you happy."
I feel warm inside and smile back.
"Tell me about your sisters. Why you dream of them." He stirs the food again and then settles on his haunches, watching me.
I chew on my lip, thinking. The dream wasn't bad in itself, but waking up and realizing they weren't there filled me with longing and a surprising amount of guilt. "It's odd…but I think I dream about them because I'm worried I'm going to forget them. It's like when I'm happiest, I have to have dreams that make me sad. Like it's too soon to move on and so my brain is determined to remind me of everything I've lost. Is that crazy?"
"Not at all. Life here is very different." He gets a bowl from his small supply of dishes and tilts the pouch, pouring the thick seed porridge into the bowl. "When I was a gladiator, all we did was sit around and exercise in between bouts. It was very boring. I thought it would be exciting to be a gladiator, but it was worse than being a guard. We were not allowed to win most bouts, so it was basically training just to lose. The crowd never roared for us, but it was not the hardest life. If we stayed alive, we had full bellies, a good night's sleep, and an easier time than those that work in mines. Yet I was not satisfied." Thrand comes and sits next to me, and then offers the bowl and a spoon. "Here, there is so much to do that every day feels like it is full. It makes sense that you do not have as much time to grieve as you think you should. What you lost is sad, but you cannot be sad forever."
I nod and take a bite of the food. Just the bits of fruit have added so much sweetness that it's the most delicious thing I've eaten in weeks. I take a few bites and then offer the bowl to him. "Share with me?"
He takes a quick bite and then sets it back down, clearly saving the lion's share for me. "So it is guilt that you are not sadder?" he asks. "That you feel wrong for being happy?"
I suspect that's it. That I feel as if I'm betraying their memories by having a good day, or one that doesn't involve crying or aching sadness. I feel guilty that I'm spending so much time with Thrand and that he makes me so happy. "I think so."
"That is a difficult thing." Thrand watches me eat. "I would be sad if Vordis was not here with me. At the same time, I think I would wish for him to get over his sadness quickly. Not because I want him to forget me, but because it would grieve me that he would suffer for a long time. Would your sisters want you to be sad?"
I take another bite, thinking. "No," I whisper, aching. He's right. Serena, Alexis and Jordan would squeeze me in hugs and tell me that I need to live. They're such driven, strong, successful people that they would want me to take a moment, and then get over the sadness and move on. I don't want them to be sad, either. I want them to think of me with joy, to smile at our memories. My eyes sting with tears, but I feel better than I have in a while. "Thank you, Thrand."
He reaches up and cups my cheek. "You are allowed to be sad. Just do not let it take all the happiness, too. Life is meant to be enjoyed."
I mull on his words, eating a few more bites and sharing more with him. When the food is done, he takes the dishes and rinses them out while I snuggle in the fur wrapped around me. I should probably get up and leave, start the day, but I'm in no hurry. Fishing and hunting will always be there. We have food to eat. I can relax for a few hours. I glance over at the pile of Thrand's sleeping furs and I'm reminded of how poorly I slept last night. I crawl into them and pat the spot next to me in the bed. "Come lie down with me?"
Thrand does, pulling me into his arms and tucking my head in the crook of his shoulder. He strokes my hair, then his fingers dance over my cheek. “I wish I could bring them here for you.”
It’s the sweetest thing anyone could have ever said to me. I slide my arm around his waist, and it’s nice to just be held. “You don’t have to bring them here. Just help me not forget them.”
“Of course.”
I remain tucked against him for a long time, and we just hold each other, relaxing and talking. It’s perfect, really. It’s exactly what I needed, and Thrand knew it.
Here I thought I wasn’t ready for love or a relationship in this strange new world, but maybe I am. Maybe it’s been standing in front of me all along, challenging me to a contest.
The thought makes me smile.
16
NADINE
I wake up early one morning with hunting on my mind. My furs are all in various stages of drying or being treated, and the supplies of fresh meat around camp are getting lower, so I figure it's a good excuse to go out hunting. The weather dawns clear and cold, and I put on my layers, then head out by the fire for a bracing cup of shrimp tea. Harlow's there, nursing her new baby and walking back and forth, her hair messy as if s
he had a sleepless night. I smile absently at Sam as I pour myself a cup of tea and watch her make the breakfast meal with a yawn.
"We going hunting today?" Penny moves to my side, tying her long hair in a side braid. "I'm getting tired of sitting around camp."
"You want to go out?" I ask, surprised. "How's your ankle?"
"Still attached to my foot and good enough. I'll bring some wraps to brace it if it gives me problems." She shrugs and gets herself a cup of shrimp tea, grimacing at the taste. "It's probably good for my fat ass to walk around."
"Oh shut up," I tell her. Penny's a little fluffy but I'm personally envious of her layer of padding and insulation. I used to have more curves but with the harder life here, I've practically turned into all sinew. I'd rather have a booty and mine is fast turning into nothing but hard muscle. "So…what, no S'bren today?" I pretend to crane my neck, looking around the camp for Penny's shadow. As of late, he's been at her side constantly, and I wonder if this whole “let's go hunting today” thing has more to do with them arguing than anything else. It seems unlikely, though, given that S'bren is so eager to make Penny happy. She could probably tell him the sky was purple and he'd agree.
She sighs. "I don't know what's crawled up his ass. He's had his head down with M'tok ever since last night and they're both being weird." Her shrug is unconcerned. "I figure we can both do with some time apart." But she doesn't look thrilled at the thought, and I wonder if he's somehow hurt her feelings. Penny is so easygoing that I can't imagine how. If she and S'bren resonate, they're going to make the happiest, most agreeable babies ever.
I bet ours would be happier, I can practically hear Thrand say in my mind, and I snort into my shrimp tea. Great. Now I'm doing it. Not only am I thinking about the stupidest things as a competition, but I'm also thinking about making babies with Thrand. I should probably take a day off from him, too.