by Jillian Dodd
I wrap my arm around my sister and give her a hug. It takes all I have not to cry again.
Maybe I am addicted.
"Drink," Carter says to me.
"What were you saying about not really being married?" Maddox asks.
"We didn't get a marriage license. Never even thought about it. For a marriage to be legally binding in Nevada, you have to get a license first. We had the ceremony. Got a pretty certificate. Thought it was legal."
"Oh, that's classic," Maddox laughs, handing out more drinks and taking a seat. "An attorney not knowing if he is legally married or not. Sounds like the makings of a bad lawyer joke."
"She loves you," Harper says. "Even though she's saying she doesn't."
"How do you know?" I ask her.
"Because she told me so. At the premiere, I said something about her and Cash, teasingly. About how I thought she had a crush on him. She totally spilled her guts and made me promise not to tell anyone."
Maddox narrows his eyes at his wife. "You're supposed to tell me everything."
"I couldn't tell you this. She made me swear on your pecker."
"My pecker?"
"Yes, if I would have told you, it might have, like, fallen off or something."
Maddox laughs. "Well, I guess it's a damn good thing you kept me in the dark."
Carter interrupts his joking. "Alright, it's time to get down to business. Cash, tell us everything."
I tell them everything, keeping the sexy times to myself. But mostly, I let them know that we had decided we wanted to get married and that we were going to tell them the truth.
Then I tell them how she overheard all the things Cade was yelling at me. How I was fired. How disappointed he was in me. And how Mom cried when she learned the truth.
"I bet she feels horrible that she came between you and your family," Harper says.
"But I told her they'd forgive me."
"I don't know a lot about her childhood, but I know that isn't the kind of family she's used to."
I smack myself in the head. "So she broke up with me because of my family? Not because she doesn't love me?"
"That's what I think," Harper confirms. "She's afraid she'll pull your family apart. She's being selfless. She wouldn't be able to stand knowing she'd broken up a family."
"So what are we going to do about it?" Chloe asks.
I smile. "I think I might have an idea, but I'm going to need everyone's help. Including Cade's, which may be impossible to get."
"You're my brother," Cade says from the front door. "I'm already in."
Forgive Myself
Ashlyn
I get the call that I've been expecting for most of my life.
"Is this Ashlyn Roberts?"
"Yes."
"And are you the daughter of Bethany Roberts of Twin Falls, Idaho?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"This is Doris from the regional hospital. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your mother was admitted to our hospital."
"Did she overdose?" I ask, not even knowing how I know it. I just do.
"Yes. Does she have a drug problem?"
"She's had both a drug and alcohol problem for years but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't convince her to get help. Will she be okay?"
"I can't say for sure. She's in very serious condition. We just wanted to let you know."
"Thank you," I say. "I appreciate that."
I touch my face, not even realizing that tears had been falling.
My first thought is to call Cash and ask him to come with me.
I'm not sure I can face my mother by myself.
And he's the only person I've told the truth about her.
I wipe my eyes, shake my head, and pull myself together.
Cash's words echo in my head. If you want someone to believe in you, then you need to believe in yourself first.
I can do this, I know I can, but I need to get there first.
After calling three different airlines and doing numerous online searches, I'm frustrated and desperate.
What if she were to die before I got there? I'd never forgive myself.
So I make the call I don't want to make.
"Carter," I say when he answers. "Are you in town?"
"Yeah, I'm at the office. Cash is still--"
I cut him off. "I have a big problem not pertaining to your brother. I have to go somewhere in a hurry. Can I please, please, borrow your plane?"
"If you'll tell me why."
"My mom overdosed and is in the hospital."
"I'm sorry. Of course, you can use it. I'll call ahead and have it ready for you. And Ash--"
"Please don't say his name, Carter. I wouldn't be calling you if I weren't completely desperate. But I already called the airlines and no one can get me there tonight. I need to get there tonight."
As soon as I hang up, I grab my bag and run to the garage. My Jeep is sitting in its usual parking spot.
My heart drops.
I immediately lose it. You'd think with all the crying I've done since I told Cash I wanted a divorce that my tears would have dried up by now. But they haven't.
I remember telling Cash my garage code. That means he brought the Jeep back, put it in my garage, and didn't even try to see me.
Although I don't know why he would have. I slammed the door in his face when he tried to give me the shell. When he proposed again and held up the ring.
I wanted so badly to take it. To hug him. To tell him I love him.
But I couldn't.
He has the most amazing family ever and has no idea what it's like not to have that in his life. There are a lot of things I would let him do for me in the name of love, but that is not one of them.
I'd never forgive myself if I ruined his relationship with his family, because he would grow to resent me. Just like my mom did.
I hop in the Jeep, put the keys in the ignition, and move it out into the driveway. Then I carefully put my bag into the Firebird and get in. I don't know why I'm compelled to drive this car today.
I never drive it. It just sits in my garage, like it sat in the garage after my dad died.
I curl my feet up onto the seat like I did when I was little. When somehow sitting in his car made me feel like he was still with me. When I used to believe that my mom would get better. That she'd love me again.
Part of me doesn't want to see her. I mean, really, she doesn't deserve my love. But part of me knows that she lost something too the day my dad died, and she's never gotten over it.
And maybe that's why she hates me. Because she thinks I did.
I wipe my tears and start the engine, thrilled when it springs to life, and get myself to the airport.
I board Carter's plane and am immediately greeted by the pilots. I get some wine while they close the doors and get ready for takeoff. I'm getting myself buckled in when the lavatory door opens.
"What are you doing here?" I ask as Harper walks out.
"Carter called me," she says, sitting next to me and giving me a hug. "I couldn't let you go by yourself. You don't have to tell me anything. I won't go into the hospital with you if you don't want me to, but I'm flying there with you and I'm flying home with you."
"Why did Carter call you?"
"Because that's what friends do for each other. And, no, he didn't tell Cash. He was going to come himself, but called me on the way here and asked what he should do. I told him I would cancel my photo shoot and be the one to go. So here I am. But the question is, how are you?"
"I'm a mess."
"Because of Cash?"
"I'll make you a deal. I won't make the pilots throw you off this plane, if you won't mention his name again."
She shakes her head and sighs at me. "Fine."
Then she takes the wine glass out of my hand and guzzles it down.
I laugh. Probably the first time I've laughed in what feels like forever. "Thanks for canceling your shoot and coming with me, Harper. I really appreciate it and your
friendship."
She squeezes my hand and says, "I didn't have the greatest home life either, you know. I've never even met my father."
"Really? Who walked you down the aisle?"
"That was my uncle, Charlie. He was like a father to me. When I was taken away from my mother by the state at age six, he and my Aunt Sally raised me."
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I'm fortunate that my aunt and uncle were willing to take me in. I had a very good life with them, but that feeling of not being cared for when you're young never leaves you. Some things can make it better though."
"Like what?"
"A good man like Maddox. He and I want to have kids soon. I'm going to be the best mother that ever lived."
I bite my lip, thinking about how Cash and I talked about having a family. How I told him the same thing. "How does Maddox make it better?"
"Because he loves me."
"That sounds so simple."
"Love is surprisingly simple. I dated a lot of frogs on my way to finding my own prince charming. I was sure that I was cursed or something. Or wasn't worthy of a fairytale. But when I met Maddox, none of it mattered. Except for when I overthought things."
"What do you mean?"
"I knew I was in love with him from the moment I met him. I'll never forget how you said my name would be Harper Harper if we got married. And right then, I knew I wanted to marry him. But in the months that followed, sometimes I doubted my feelings. I let my baggage, my job, my brain--all that bullshit--get in the way. But when I listened to my heart, it always said the same thing. That I was in love."
"I felt that way with Cash."
"I thought we couldn't say his name."
I let out a little chuckle. "No, I said you aren't allowed to say his name."
"Do you still feel that way about him?"
I shake my head and fight back tears. "No. It's over. It has to be over."
"I respectfully disagree," Harper says, shaking her head.
But she sticks to our deal and doesn't say anything else about Cash for the rest of the trip.
Harper comes to the hospital with me but waits in the lobby.
When I go into my mom's room, she's not awake, but a nurse comes in and gives me a quick update on her condition. I sit on the edge of the bed, hold her hand, and wonder why I'm here.
Will she even care that I'm here?
Is it because of me that she tried to kill herself? Should I have tried harder to be a better daughter?
I feel stupid just sitting here while she's asleep, so I go back out into the waiting room and sit next to Harper.
She immediately grabs my hand. "How is she?"
"She's asleep."
"Is she in a coma?"
"No, just out of it. She's breathing on her own and everything. They expect her to have a full recovery."
"Well, that's a relief."
I nod as the tears fall. "It's a relief, but yet it isn't."
"Ash, you can tell me how you're feeling. I won't judge."
"I just don't know what to do. All I feel is guilt. Guilt for not being closer. Guilt for not being there for her. Guilt for whatever I did to her when I was young that made her hate me." I'm bawling now, years of guilt and frustration are pouring out of me. "What I don't understand is why she didn't love me after my dad died. She barely tolerated me. I thought so many times about running away. I even thought maybe it would be better to just kill myself."
"But you didn't."
"Instead, I dreamed. Dreamed of leaving. Dreamed of finding someone who would take me away from all of it. As I got older, I realized I was going to have to stop waiting to be saved and save myself. I was pretty self-sufficient. I had to be, really. When I came home from school, she was often drunk, so I made dinner. Did the grocery shopping. When I would feel bad about things, I'd chastise myself for feeling that way. I mean, we had a nice house. My mom got me my own debit card when I was young, so that I could go to the store. I never went hungry. I always had clothes. She got me a car as soon as I was able to drive, so she wouldn't have to worry about taking me anywhere. I was never abused."
"I've had a lot of therapy. What I can tell you is that none of it was your fault. And, that as soon as you realize it, you'll be a lot happier, because it takes away the guilt. When I was little, I assumed I got taken away because I was a bad kid. Not because I had a bad mother. Now, I understand that it wasn't me, it was her. When I got older, I tried having a relationship with my mom, but I realized that you can't force a relationship on someone who doesn't want one."
I nod, but not because I'm thinking about my mom. I'm thinking of the way Cash looked when I closed the door in his face. "Am I doing the same thing to Cash?"
"What do you mean?"
"He came over the other night. Brought me this cracked shell and told me he loved me. Asked me to marry him again."
"What did you do?"
"I wouldn't even let him in the house. I told him no and shut the door in his face. It killed me to do that. Do you think my mom thinks I'm better off without her?"
"I don't know. But I know that Cash isn't better off without you. He loves you, Ash."
"I know he does, but I can't do that to him. It's because of me that his family hates him."
"How do you know his family hates him?"
"Because I heard Cade yelling at him over the phone. He fired him and told him to go the fuck back to Seattle. And I feel horrible. His parents were so happy to have him home. Cade said his mom cried when she learned we were married."
"Cade was upset. Sometimes when you're upset, you say things you don't mean. And when a family is as close as they are, they understand and forgive."
"I know. That's why I let him go. If I'm not in the picture, eventually, his family will forgive him." I hold my hands up. "I can't talk about him. This is just all too much."
"Ashlyn, when your mom wakes up, tell her how you're feeling. How you really feel, like you just did me. It might not make a difference, but at least you will have tried. And I love you. I'll be your family if you need one."
"Thank you. You really don't have any idea how much that means to me."
"Actually," she says with a smile. "I do."
A few hours later, the nurse tells me that my mom's awake and I can see her now.
I take a seat by her bed. "I'm glad you're okay, Mom."
"You came," she says, her voice scratchy. "I didn't think you would."
I take her hand--follow Harper's advice--and tell her what I've always been afraid to say. "I don't want to lose you. I know you don't want me in your life. You haven't wanted me since Daddy died, but I will always love you."
She clutches her chest. "You won't feel that way after I tell you the truth."
"What truth?"
"It's my fault he's dead."
"What do you mean?"
"He worked a lot of long hours and late nights. I had an affair. I told him in the car. I was so sorry. I loved your father more than anything. I just made a stupid mistake. He took his eyes off the road--just for a minute--and looked at me. There was so much hurt in his eyes. I couldn't believe I had hurt him so much. When he looked back at the road, he had crossed the centerline and there was a truck headed toward us. He swerved, lost control of the car, and we hit a tree. He died at the scene. I survived. I've wished every day since then that I would've been the one to die. I've prayed that someone would kill me, make me pay for what I'd done. When that didn't happen, I tried killing myself. I'm just not strong enough to do it, apparently. I'm sorry I was such a horrible mother. I never hated you, but I could see so much of him in you that you were a constant reminder of what I'd done."
And although I don't understand why she feels the way she does--why she had to take it out on me--I can feel the pain in every word she speaks. I can see it in her body language. And I think she's punished both of us for long enough.
"I forgive you, Mom. Dad would forgive you, too. He loved you, and he wouldn't wan
t you to live like this. If you want to make amends for what you did then live a life he would be proud of. It's never too late to change your path. I just wish that path would include rehab."
"I don't have the money for rehab, Ashlyn."
"Money isn't an issue, Mom. If you'll go--if you promise to take it seriously--I'll pay for it. But you'll have to agree to stay there until the doctors think you are ready. You'll have to voluntarily commit yourself."
She starts crying and squeezes my hand. "I don't want to live like this anymore."
"Good."
I sit with her for hours, just holding her hand as she drifts in and out of sleep, and wondering if I need rehab too.
Love rehab.
Crash & Burn
Cash
Four long days later, Harper tells me that she and Ashlyn are back in town and that Ash is going to do a live interview on the Elle talk show as scheduled. It took all my willpower not to go to Idaho. Thankfully, Harper kept me updated. She told me what happened with Ashlyn's mom. How she felt this was something Ashlyn needed to do herself. How she needed to put the past behind her, before she'd be able to have a future with me.
I wanted to help her but, at the same time, I'm proud of her for handling it on her own.
My next call is to Vanessa. She's the last piece in this intervention puzzle.
When I tell her our plan, she is fully supportive and tells me this is something she needs to see for herself and will meet us there. She also asks if I am prepared to crash and burn on live television.
I tell her we all are.
I've spent nearly every hour since Ashlyn called Carter to borrow his plane working on this. And just last night, at about three in the morning, I finally got it right.
We get to the studio where the show is being taped, meet Vanessa in the VIP area, and are seated in the audience.
I sit down and take a really deep breath. I'm nervous. I don't care what people will think of me if I crash and burn on live TV or if I become an epic fail. But I don't know if my heart can take it if I do.
My dad puts his hand on my shoulder. "Son, you sure about this?"
"Yeah, Dad, I'm sure."
"Of course, he's sure," my mom chastises. She reaches over and gives my hand a squeeze.
"Do you need Mommy to burp you before the show starts too?" Carter asks in a baby voice, giving me grief.