by L. L Hunter
“He’s also invited us backstage to hang with him after the show.”
“Sounds amazing. I can’t wait.”
We kissed once more before checking out my new car. My stomach growled in protest. I hadn’t eaten since dinner last night. In an Asian family, that was far too long.
Raven laughed. “Come on. We’d better get you fed. Your mom said she was making all kinds of delicious things inside. I’m dying to try some traditional Vietnamese delicacies.”
“You’ll love them.” I took her hand, and we ran inside to enjoy my birthday lunch.
That night we headed out to Xane Alexander’s concert. I had enjoyed his songs on the charts. But had never appreciated just how talented he was. He played guitar, piano and sang and also wrote his own songs. We danced and sang to his songs. It was the most fun I’d had in a long time. After the show, we went backstage and met Xane. There was a cute brunette woman beside him, whom he introduced as his girlfriend, Becky. She was Australian. She was so sweet and down to earth. She told us the songs ‘Girl behind the counter’ and ‘coffee girl’ were both about her. The way they looked at each other was the stuff of dreams. You wouldn’t think two people from such different backgrounds would complement each other so perfectly. I smiled at Raven.
The same was true about us too.
In the past few months, I couldn’t believe how far I had come.
From a shy, awkward girl who had no idea what she was doing with her life or no idea where she was heading, to a social media influencer and actress.
I also had an amazing girlfriend and was now out and proud of my sexuality. Although it didn’t feel like I had changed. I didn’t really feel like I was coming out of the closet. I just felt free. I was now the person I had always dreamed of becoming.
26
One Year Later
About a year later, my family’s lawyer contacted us to say that my ex-boss, Michael Booth, had been released on bail. He still had strict conditions he had to abide by, including staying away from me. But the very thought that he was still out there in the community and had a chance to harass and take advantage of other women, made me sick.
After the terrifying news, I couldn’t sleep. I began having nightmares, waking up to him raping me or stalking me. Or even killing me.
Yes, that was a reoccurring one.
Every time I saw a car like his, I felt my chest tighten and heart pound with anxiety.
I knew he couldn’t come near me, but there was no physical barrier, but my house, stopping him from getting to me.
So, one night, after another nightmare, I decided to record my thoughts and post them online. It was not only cathartic for me, but I hoped that it would help others in my situation. Especially women.
I set up a light in my dark bedroom so my crappy phone camera would show me properly, I tied up my hair and put on a thin coat of makeup, so that I didn’t look like the walking dead. After little to no sleep these past few days, I now had deep dark circles under my eyes, and my complexion was ashen. My hair was also starting to fall out due to stress.
I hit record and set it to go live on my social media.
He’s back. A few days ago, my abuser, my ex-boss, Michael Booth, was released on bail from prison after only serving about a year behind bars. He was not only convicted of rape but kidnapping and sexual harassment.
I haven’t been sleeping. In fact, you can’t see by the makeup on my face, but I have these dark circles and eye bags now, because the very thought of him being out in the community and possibly doing what he did to me, to other women, makes me scared and sick.
Yes, I am scared.
I have continuing nightmares of him attacking me, even killing me…
I sniffed. I was crying now, but I continued.
He threatened to silence me, but I will not be silenced. He said I was slandering him, but you know what? People like him? Narcissists? They bring it on themselves. They talk about people who have done them wrong behind their backs when everything has gone wrong for them, and they don’t get their own way, spreading nasty, fake rumors to pull them down to their own low levels. It is their way of trying to gain back the power they used to have over you.
But I say, to you, Mr. Michael Booth, you no longer have power over me, and I will not be silenced.
I wanted to come on here today and use my platform, and my voice, for a specific purpose, for good instead of bad. I want to tell you that if you’ve ever been harassed or attacked by a powerful man, or someone with authority, that that is not okay. And you have to speak up. Because if we stay quiet, we are letting them win. We are letting these powerful men continue to have their way, to continue to exert that power over naïve, impressionable young women, taking advantage of them, for their own personal gain, or sexual gratification.
Because, where’s the justice in the good ones being silenced and the bad ones being allowed to keep doing what they’re doing?
That’s precisely what happened to me.
I mean, my parents live in the spotlight. They warned me about everything that comes with this life.
But I wanted it so badly.
I just didn’t want to believe the rumors until they became a reality until I saw the truth with my own eyes.
By then, it was too late.
I wanted to be an actor, a model, to have my face across billboards, and in glossy magazines, I wanted what my mom and dad have. I just didn’t expect it to happen like it did.
I’m saying this now to put my feelings out there, not only because the therapist ordered it, but because I need to. I want to.
I was also ordered not to speak out about what happened to me, but I think of myself as a rebel. I want to be a voice of reason for those oppressed and silenced.
Because if I did, and his reputation was ruined, then I could be sued for defamation.
Even though he’s the one in the wrong.
It’s just not fair.
I was silenced.
My name is Lexi Dean, and this is my story.
I ended the live feed and turned off my phone. Now feeling a lot lighter and happier that the load was lifted, I turned off the light and went to sleep.
27
In the morning, I woke up with my phone exploding. My brother burst into the bedroom as I was beginning to scroll through the notifications.
“Lexi, you have to see this!” Jordan said, before running back down the hall.
“What is it? Ugh. I need coffee.”
I quickly washed my face and threw on a kimono over my pajamas and headed downstairs. My family was sitting in the lounge with the TV blaring. As I made my coffee, I heard the news anchor speak. I ran into the lounge and stood in the middle of the floor, staring.
“Social media is in a frenzy this morning. Actress and influencer Lexi Dean, the daughter of Chloe and Jack Dean, and the girlfriend of Rock princess Raven Black posted online last night a live video of her thoughts surrounding the release of her abuser, Michael booth, the former manager at the Grand Theatre in downtown Los Angeles. Michael Booth was accused of the rape and kidnapping as well as sexual harassment of Miss Dean over a year ago. The video has since gone viral and has had an overwhelmingly positive response. Many women have since come forward, not only saying they’ve been victims of Mr. Booth’s, but of other powerful men in their lives. This storm has since been dubbed the new #metoo movement. With others calling it the #Lexieffect, with the hashtag now trending across various social media platforms.”
“Oh my god!” I sat down on the edge of a couch cushion. I was speechless. “They said he raped me. He didn’t actually rape me.”
Instead of saying anything, though, my father put his arm around me. I leaned into him. He kissed my head. My family didn’t need to say anything. I knew I had their support one hundred percent.
My mom’s phone rang, followed by my dad’s. Then mine went crazy out on the kitchen where I had left it. We all looked at each other before answering our respective phone
s. I ran back into the kitchen, made my coffee, and took my phone outside near the pool to answer it.
I had no idea who was calling my parents, but on the other end of mine was Raven.
“Hey,” I said.
“hey, you should turn on the news. And check social media. You’ve gone viral.”
I laughed. “Yeah. I know. Crazy, right?”
“You even have your very own trending topic. I like it. ‘#Lexieffect.’ Very catchy. We could and should merchandise that.”
“Nah. I don’t want to make too big of a deal. I’m glad it’s had such a positive outcome, though. That’s what I wanted.”
“It’s very smart. You’re smart. And beautiful. And brave.”
“Stop,” I laughed. “you’re making me go all red. I haven’t even had my coffee yet. This is a bit overwhelming.”
“Are you okay?”
“I think so. Actually, I don’t know. But I will be.”
“Okay. If you want to talk about it. I’m here.”
“Okay. Thanks, Raven. I love you.”
She was silent for a moment.
“Um… Raven? Are you still there?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m here.”
“Look, I’m sorry if it’s too soon. But I mean it. I do love you.”
“You mean a lot to me, but I’m not sure I’m there yet. I’m sorry.”
“Oh.” I looked down at the swirling brown coffee in my favorite cat mug. I felt like drowning my heart in that coffee. “That’s okay.”
“I’ll talk to you soon. Okay?”
“Okay. Bye.”
After Raven hung up, I stared at the black screen of my phone, then at the blue water of the pool. What just happened? I thought Raven and I were fine. Had I just ruined everything by telling her how I felt?
Maybe the emotions had all caught up to me, and I was on a high, but Raven wasn’t at the same level. I stood, tore off my nightgown until I was in my lacy underwear. I then walked to the edge of the pool and fell forward.
With a splash, I entered the water. I let my body fall. I drifted, down, down, down until I settled on the bottom.
Down here, I was all alone. The world was quiet. I was safe.
I wanted to stay here forever.
28
I don’t know how long I stayed down there on the bottom of the pool. But soon, my solace was disturbed by voices and flashing lights. Someone jumped in and took hold of me, pulling me up to the surface. I was barely conscious. I faintly remember my dad’s voice as he tried to call me back to the land of the living.
“Lexi? Can you hear me? look at me. Baby, open your eyes.”
I could hear someone crying in the near distance.
I tried to open my eyes, but the chlorine stung them. The light hurt too. It was safer with my eyes closed. But in those brief moments when my eyes fluttered open just a little, I saw groups of people around me. Some were in similar clothing.
Then I was being lifted into the air, followed soon after by a loud siren. I was put in the back of a vehicle. The doors slammed shut, and then I was on the move.
My dad’s voice lingered, as did the cries. My mom?
“Call me when you get to the hospital,” said my dad.
The hospital.
I was going to the hospital.
Why… and then it all came back. The pool. The crying. The paramedics and my dad telling me to open my eyes…
I had almost drowned. I had almost died. Was I dead?
I drifted back into the safe bubble that was the land of unconsciousness. Here, no one could hurt me.
I opened my eyes again, and everything was bright. Too bright. Too cheerful. Where was my safe, dark bubble? Let me go to sleep again… in my slumberland, my dreams were full of romance, puppies, and unicorns. They weren’t gross men trying to rape and kill you, or girlfriends or boyfriends dumping you, or people spreading rumors…
I sat up all of a sudden, sobbing loudly.
“Hey, baby, are you okay?” I opened my eyes wider and saw my mom sitting at the end of the bed through my tears.
“Mom. Mommy,” I sobbed, and reached for her.
“Shh. It’s okay, sweetie. It’s okay. You’re safe. I’m here. Your dad’s just gone to get coffee with your brother. They’ll be back soon. In fact, I should tell them you’re awake.” She pulled out her phone and sent off a text before putting it back in her pocket and moving closer to me. She swept my hair off my damp face. Damp from being in the water, or from crying, I didn’t know.
“Oh, sweetie. I am so glad you’re okay. You made us all so worried. I especially was so scared. You’re my baby girl. My firstborn. And I thought…” she said, her voice cracking under a sob. “I thought I was gonna lose you.”
I didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. What happened? So, I settled for just crying. I put my face in my hands, and my mom leaned forward and wrapped her arms around me.
“It’s okay, baby. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”
I nodded and leaned my head on her shoulder. My mom smelled good, like her fruity perfume and laundry detergent, plus her coconut shampoo. She felt familiar and warm and safe.
I missed her.
“I love you, Mom,” I said finally.
“I love you too, Lexi.”
29
My dad and brother came back into the room soon after. They each hugged me. Jordan handed me an iced latte, my favorite drink. I gave him a small thankful smile.
My brother was so thoughtful. So innocent. I hoped no one ever hurt him or took advantage of him as they’d done with me.
My dad was my rock. Though overprotective, I couldn’t exactly tell him all the graphic details of what had happened to me, he knew enough. And I loved that my entire family didn’t pass judgment and still loved me.
But I still wasn’t ready to talk about her.
Raven.
My first real love.
Or, what I thought was my first real love.
I had told her I loved her, and she turned me down. She didn’t feel the same.
Wasn’t she the one who instigated the whole thing? She made the first move.
I was so confused. I pushed my hand through my hair and sipped on my drink while I stared out the window of my hospital room.
After a few days, I was moved to another ward. A ward where my parents said they could help me. it was a private hospital, one which many celebrities sought treatment because the staff were sworn to secrecy
But that didn’t mean stuff didn’t leak out to the media.
I didn’t have my phone. My mom had it. She organized all my social media posts while I was there and took care of any auditions, jobs, interviews, etc. if they came up.
I was free (and uber bored) for the next month.
One thing that kept me from going stir crazy, though, was the film script my dad had given me a few days into my stay. He said he and my mom, along with Damian, had worked on this just for me.
My own film? I was not worthy.
They had written me a part that was so me, so perfect, to help with my recovery. Lara was me. She was a young woman in the TV industry dealing with the struggles of making it as a woman in a male-dominated world.
At first, my mom thought it might be triggering for me. But I accepted it. I wanted this part like nothing else.
This was the part I was born to play.
30
One year later – pre-production
Today was the day. Today was the first day I would be on set of my film, Girl in the Spotlight.
It was also my birthday. I was now twenty-one years old and of legal drinking age. My family had organized something for me, a surprise party, at my favorite restaurant. I knew about the party but didn’t know who they’d invited or the theme or anything else. I tried to push the excitement out of my mind while I walked onto set.
But there was also something else floating in the base of my gut – a sense of reservation, of fear, perhaps.
I hoped they were right.
There were several others here already at the table read. I hitched my purse higher on my shoulder and cautiously made my way over. I saw my parents, Damian as well as Kate, sitting at the table. There was also a young guy in his twenties that I didn’t yet know. But as I approached, he turned around, and my heart fluttered in recognition. I stopped short.
It was the guy from work, the hot, new guy. What was he doing here?
“Here she is,” my dad said. “Lexi, I want you to meet someone. He’s new to the team.”
I couldn’t breathe as the guy—the insanely cute guy—stepped closer to me, holding out his hand.
“This is Matthew. He’s a musician. He’s going to be working on the soundtrack and score for the film.”
“Hi. Yes. I know him. We’ve already met at the theatre. What are you doing here?”
“Well, I saw a job advertised in an ad at a bar where I had a gig. It was a production company looking for a composer or film score writer or all-round musician to join their team for a new film, as well as for future projects. It was the opportunity of a lifetime. So, I called. I did a small audition for your dad and Damian, and the rest is history. I didn’t know, I mean it didn’t click, that you were his daughter.”
I looked into his eyes, and at that moment, it was like everything moved into place, and the stars aligned. I smiled.
Everything happened for a reason. This was my fate. I knew it now.