Had Arron thought of her wherever he was when the sky opened up like this?
Was he awake now? Was he listening to it too? Remembering different nights...a world ago?
She sighed, rolled to her side and shut her eyes tight.
Telling him she’d moved on had been her only choice. She refused to allow him to think that she was still in love with him, pining over him, allowing her comparison of what they’d had together to destroy new relationships. They weren’t meant to be together. She’d followed the old adage, “If you love something, let it go,” hoping Arron would come back to her, and he hadn’t.
Her phone chimed with the distinct sound she’d set up for Arron’s notifications, and her heart thudded in her chest. Reaching for it, she read the new message:
You awake?
Should she ignore it? Pretend she was sleeping? Not let him know that these storms still meant something to her? That they reminded her of nights falling in love with him? That would be the best idea. No good could come from reopening the past.
She put the phone aside and pounded her pillow before repositioning her head. She tossed and turned. This bed was seriously uncomfortable. Sleep was impossible. In the morning, she was buying a new bed. And new pillows and blankets. She shut her eyes, slowly counted to ten and ignored the pull of the text message.
What if he needed something? Her vow as a nurse prevented her from ignoring a person in need. She sat up and reached for the phone.
I’m awake. Do you need anything?
That’s a loaded question, he replied.
Her pulse thundered in her veins. Right, maybe she should clarify...
Water? Bathroom break?
Dots appeared as he was typing.
Just thought it would be a shame to waste a perfectly good storm.
Oh shit. She took a deep breath. Nothing good could come from getting out of bed to go watch a storm with her ex, who was quite arguably the love of her life but would be leaving her heartbroken again soon enough.
Then again, nothing good could come from lying here thinking about him, wishing she was watching the storm with him. Either way, she would be heartbroken.
Grabbing her blanket, she got out of bed. Checking her reflection in the mirror quickly, she left the bedroom.
He was waiting by the front door in his wheelchair. How was he getting around so well on his own?
“I’m only doing this because you’re right, it would be a shame to waste a perfectly good storm,” she said.
“Yeah, me too,” he said, but she could hear the emotion in his voice, and a new storm brewed in her chest.
She opened the door and they made their way to the front porch. She helped him onto the two-seater and sat next to him, draping the blanket over them. Their legs were touching and the small source of contact had her pulse racing. Familiarity washed over her as they sat in silence, watching together...remembering.
Regretting?
She was certainly regretting lost time, a lost connection. But he hadn’t come back until now. He hadn’t called. He hadn’t texted. It couldn’t have been clearer that he’d moved on, as well. But maybe now that he’d had his time exploring the world, now that he was back...with her...maybe...
A clap of thunder snapped her out of it.
Damn, why was she doing this to herself?
If Arron had loved her, he would have told her. In the three months they’d dated, she’d heard versions of “I love you.” I love spending time with you. I love the freckles on your neck. I love that we have a lot in common... But never I love you.
She hadn’t said it either, but she’d been about to, before his life had taken a dark turn.
Next to her, he cleared his throat. “Colorado has the craziest lightning storms,” he said. “You would have loved them.”
She tensed at the mention of his adventures. “Were you there long?” she asked politely but tightly.
“A month. I climbed Longs Peak and Lizard Head. Incredible experiences,” he said.
In another world, another situation, his adventures would sound exciting, intriguing, fascinating. She’d want to hear about them. But the path he’d chosen over her, over them, wasn’t something she could get enthusiastic about. “That’s great,” she mumbled, staring off into the distance as a lightning bolt lit up the sky.
“Driving through Ohio and Wyoming, I saw some pretty fantastic storms, as well. Some nights, I’d climb up to the roof of the van and lie there for hours.”
That sounded amazing, and the fact that she could have been there experiencing it too made her stomach twist and turn. How much had she missed by not going?
“I met a team of storm chasers in Texas. They were following a tornado—”
She cleared her throat. “Can we just watch the storm? In silence?”
He seemed surprised but then nodded. “Of course.”
Unfortunately, now she was left with her own regretful thoughts.
* * *
HE WAS MESSING this up.
He’d just wanted to break the awkward silence, ease the tension that had been simmering between them since they’d left the hospital, but he was making things worse. Of course Alisha didn’t want to hear about his journey when it had meant the end of the two of them.
“Sorry... I guess I’m just not sure what to say,” he said.
She heaved an exasperated sigh.
Shut up. Got it.
Still... He had to say it. “I missed you.”
She scoffed and his head whipped around toward her. “You don’t believe me?”
“I thought we weren’t going to talk.”
“I just think if we’re going to be living together...”
“We’re not living together. You’re staying here for a few weeks. Max.”
He nodded. “Okay...since I’m staying here, I thought we should clear the air a little. So this isn’t so awkward.”
“I’m not awkward.”
“I beg to differ.”
She turned to face him, her expression even more intense than the electricity blazing through the night sky. Maybe he should have respected her request for silence. “Okay, you want to clear the air?” she asked.
“That’s why you called, wasn’t it?” he challenged. No turning back now, and he was curious about what she’d been planning on saying. Sixteen months was a hell of a long time to prepare a speech. One she deserved to deliver if it would make her feel better.
She nodded. “Yes. Okay. Here it is.” She took a deep breath. “I was falling in love with you and life fell apart and you left. It’s been over a year and I’m completely over it.”
Bullshit. He could tell she was still struggling with feelings for him. Maybe they were no longer love, but there was definitely the same chemistry, the same spark there had always been. The way she’d looked at him in the hospital had told him everything he’d been longing to hear on those lonely nights when all he could think about was her. Even if she’d convinced herself otherwise.
“When someone is truly over something, they don’t need closure,” he said.
She flushed. “Fine. You want me to admit that I’ve thought of you a few times?” She shrugged, but it looked anything but casual. “Sure, I thought of you. But the biggest memory I have is of you leaving and never hearing from you again.”
“I needed to get away. I know that’s hard to understand.”
She shook her head. “Nope. Not at all. You’re an adventure seeker. You live for excitement and new challenges. New scenery. It was just a matter of time.”
“So you think you have me all figured out, huh?” She didn’t have a clue if that was what she thought. She was right about the adventure-seeker part, but he’d had no intention of going on those life-changing trips alone.
“You’re thirty years old and live in a sleep
er van and coast through life one adventure to another. There’s not much to figure out.”
Her casual dismissal of who he was hurt. But he knew it was just a defense mechanism. It actually gave him hope. “My sense of adventure was what originally attracted you to me.”
“Yes, but...it...”
“Gets old,” he finished.
She sighed. “I just need more stability, more predictability. Someone who stays in one place for a while.”
He turned in the seat and moved closer. His face just inches from hers. “How are those guys working out for you?”
She swallowed hard. “They are... I mean, things...”
“So good, then?” he asked with a small grin as he moved even closer.
She lifted her chin defiantly. “As a matter of fact, it was good.”
“So why did you break up?” he asked, running his thumb along her jawline and down the side of her neck. How he missed kissing that neck...
“We weren’t right for each other,” she said, and her chest heaved.
“He was a bad kisser?” he asked, moving even closer.
Alisha’s eyes dipped to his lips and she licked hers.
Thank God. The reaction, the confirmation he’d been hoping for. “Do you want to be reminded of what a real kiss feels like?” he asked. His tone was light and flirty, but his heart was pounding. So many nights in his van he’d dreamed of this moment. Fantasies of being with her had plagued him mercilessly.
She closed her eyes, and for a split second, he thought she might lean in. But then they snapped open again. “Are you seriously trying to kiss me right now?”
“I was thinking about it.” Not anymore. He reluctantly moved back. “Sorry, I was going off a vibe...never mind.”
“Are you high?”
He stiffened. Damn, was he really reading things wrong? Was she over him? His ego had him retreating. “I don’t know. You’re the one in charge of my meds,” he mumbled.
She stood and grabbed the blanket. “Well, looks like the lightning has passed.”
So had the moment he’d obviously imagined.
CHAPTER FIVE
“WHY ON EARTH won’t this baby poop?” Cheryl sat on the edge of the hospital bed, looking ready to promise baby Rose a pony if she’d just have a bowel movement already so they could go home. “With Darcy, it was like ten hours from the first contraction to sending us on our way. I’m losing my mind here. I want to go home.”
“I know...” Alisha tickled the baby’s tummy. “But we can’t rush these things, you know. They have to happen naturally. In due course. When people are ready for them. I mean, sure, sometimes things can take you by surprise, but those aren’t necessarily the best moments, you know...”
Cheryl stared at her like she had eight heads. “We’re not still talking about poop, are we?”
She sighed. “Arron tried to kiss me last night.”
Cheryl blinked. “Arron. Tried. To. Kiss. You?” She looked seriously confused. “In a dream?”
Alisha needed to catch her friend up on the latest developments.
Three minutes later, Cheryl sat dumbfounded. “So your call almost killed him.” She looked sheepish. “Apologize to him for my part in that, by the way... And now he’s staying with you. You told him you don’t have feelings for him anymore, even though you absolutely do. And then he tried to kiss you?”
Alisha nodded. “During the lightning storm.” That part shouldn’t be left out. She’d been weakened by the moment. She’d almost let her guard down. Every minute since the almost kiss, she’d yo-yoed back and forth about whether rejecting it had been the right thing. The jury was still out, but she’d gone back to bed frustrated and even more confused. She’d escaped the apartment that morning before he’d woken up, to come talk to Cheryl.
Who looked even more confused now. “Right...okay. Um, why?”
“Why what?”
“Why didn’t you kiss him?”
“Why would I have kissed him?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you’ve been so insanely in love with him for over a year that you sabotaged a great, mature, stable relationship with a lawyer!” Her usually zen best friend exploded.
“Okay, I’m gonna blame that outburst on post-baby hormones,” Alisha said, but then she sighed and collapsed in the chair next to the bed. “I know. You’re right. There is quite literally nothing in the world I’ve wanted more than a kiss with Arron since...the last time he kissed me. But I can’t go down this path again. I know this isn’t permanent. The minute he can drive, he’ll be hitting the open road and I’ll be left in the dust.”
“How do you know?”
“Because it’s who he is.” She still couldn’t believe he’d tried to engage her in conversation about his travels. As though it shouldn’t bother her to hear about how great he’d been doing out there, alone, without her. Not once regretting his decision to leave.
A woman likes to hear that there have been regrets!
“You love that about him though,” Cheryl said gently, opening Rose’s diaper and taking another peek.
“I love his spirit. I don’t love that he lacks the support structure for a lasting relationship.”
“A relationship according to your rules,” Cheryl said.
She frowned. “I think it’s more like societal rules. People who decide to settle down, settle down. Living in a van is not exactly settling down. In fact, it’s most probably the opposite of settling down.”
“Do you want kids?” her best friend asked, surprising her.
She hesitated. “Someday. Maybe. I think. I don’t know yet.”
“Do you want to buy a house?”
“Again, maybe someday, but I’m more focused on saving money right now...” Her mother was an investment adviser, and she often said there were just as many downsides to investing in a home in the current climate as there were benefits. She eyed Cheryl, knowing where this line of questioning was leading.
“So, what’s more cost-effective than a van with no rent?” Cheryl said with a grin.
“Cheryl, come on! You’re telling me that you would actually consider that nomadic lifestyle?”
Her friend didn’t even think about it. “Five years ago? Yes. With Mitch? Absolutely.” She stood and picked up the baby as she started to cry. “Look, I think settling down means letting your heart stop wandering to other hearts. To settle on one heart for life. It doesn’t have to mean in one place or one house or one country even.”
Damn, she’d never thought of it that way. She cleared her throat, hating that Cheryl’s words were ringing so loudly in her mind. “I don’t know.”
“You love him. You’ve always loved him. And if he does leave again, you’ll still love him. So, what’s worse? Loving him and not being with him? You’ve tried that already. Or trying this new life and being with the man you love?”
Okay, so her friend had a point, but... “He hasn’t exactly asked me to go with him.”
“He tried to kiss you though, right?”
She nodded.
“So, maybe next time—let him,” she said with a grin, gently bouncing baby Rose on her shoulder.
Alisha sniffed the air and wrinkled her nose. “I think you might have poop in there.”
Cheryl released a sigh of relief as she set the baby back in the plastic crib and tore open the diaper. “Yes!” She gave a victory dance. “I never thought I’d be so excited to change a dirty diaper. Let’s go home.”
Home.
Could Cheryl be right? Was home really where the heart was? Or was that just another adage that wouldn’t apply to her?
* * *
HE HAD TO GO. Staying with Alisha while he recovered was a big mistake.
If last night was any indication, his long-repressed feelings for her were unreciprocated. He’d gotten hi
s hopes up when she’d joined him to watch the storm, but trying to kiss her had completely backfired. He’d been caught up in a moment, and showing her how he still felt had seemed easier than vocalizing it. She’d shut that down, and despite the blow to his ego, kissing her was all he could think about. Better to leave on his own terms before she kicked him out.
With his good hand, he threw his clothes into his bag and then struggled to reach his shoes on the floor, nearly toppling the wheelchair over in the process. A wheelchair he’d need to bring back to the hospital immediately so he wouldn’t be charged for borrowing it. He wasn’t sure how he was going to pull this off exactly...
A key turning in the lock had his heart racing. Shit. He’d been hoping to make a clean getaway before she got back. Their last goodbye had already left a deep scar on his heart. Would he survive saying goodbye to her a second time?
The door opened and the smell of expensive aftershave hit him before a guy walked in. Dressed in a suit and tie, tan leather shoes, dark hair gelled neatly to one side and clean-shaven, the man had to be Nick—the lawyer. The one he’d seen in all of Alisha’s photos. The one she’d broken up with.
Nick jumped back, seeing him. “Jesus. Who the hell are you? And why are you in my girlfriend’s apartment?”
“Ex-girlfriend’s apartment,” Arron said tightly, feeling his spine stiffen. “Why are you here?”
Nick’s eyes narrowed as he studied him. “Holy shit, it’s you.”
Obviously, Alisha had told her most recent ex about him. That made him uneasy. Had she said good things? Or bad things? Given the way their relationship had ended and her frosty reception to him the day before, he would put his money on bad things.
Wild Alaskan Hearts Page 3