Co-Parenting Challenges
Different rules and parenting styles – If the moms have one set of rules at their house and the dads have another set of rules at theirs, things can get pretty complicated very quickly. Making sure everyone is on the same page in the beginning will make things easier down the road.
Proximity – It may not seem like an issue in the beginning, but if the other couple (or person) you co-parent with lives a fair distance away, this could eventually turn into a major inconvenience. Some people choose to live very close to each other or even in the same home to avoid this.
Holidays – It may not always be possible for everyone to be together during the holidays. Consider how this will impact you and your children. Keep in mind, extended family members may be disappointed with not being together during these times, too. Again, as with everything else, setting clear expectations with holiday schedules upfront will make things a lot easier.
A move could complicate things – What if one of you has to move to another city, state or country for work or other reasons? This could complicate your joint custody plans.
APPENDIX C
Questions to Ask
Before Choosing Open Adoption
1.How important is biological heritage to your family plan?
2.Are you comfortable having ongoing contact with your child’s birth-parents? If so, how much contact are you comfortable with?
3.Are you comfortable with the fact that even though you will know who the birthmother is, there is a chance that the birthfather will be unknown?
4.Can you afford open adoption? If so, where will you draw the line with adoption-related expenses? While open adoption is not the most expensive route, it is important to understand that in addition to agency fees, there may be other unexpected costs that can accrue, such as third-party agency fees and birthmother living expenses. These things add up, so make sure you get a full cost breakdown upfront and provide yourself a hefty cushion.
5.How comfortable are you with being publicly visible? When you create a birthmother letter, you will probably be creating an online profile so birthparents can find you. Your personal information (pictures, relationship status, hobbies and any other information you disclose) will likely show up in online search engines.
6.Are there any reasons you would choose not to match with a birthmother?
7.How will you and your partner deal with the waiting period?
8.If you are an unmarried couple and you live in a state where only one of you is allowed to adopt in the beginning, which one of you will that be and how will you ensure that everyone in your family is legally protected?
9.Is your job flexible enough to work around your open adoption journey? You may need to travel to another state at a moment’s notice when the birthmother goes into labor. Also, you may need to stay in that state until all paperwork is processed and you are cleared to leave. There is no set timeframe for this, so flexibility is important.
10.How will it impact you and your family if you suddenly lose contact with your child’s birthparents sometime after birth?
Before Choosing Foster Care
1.Are you only interested in temporary placements or is your goal to have a placement that will lead to a permanent adoption?
2.What age child is ideal for you and your partner and what ages are you willing to accept?
3.Are you open to adopting a sibling group?
4.Are you comfortable opening your home to a child with physical disabilities and/or emotional issues?
5.Are you and your partner in agreement on standards of discipline and how to implement those standards?
6.Are you comfortable with the possibility that you may be interacting with the child’s birthparents?
7.Do you have the emotional agility to simultaneously act as a support system for a birthparent who is trying to rectify his or her behaviors and reunify with his or her children, while also bonding with the child as a potential permanent parent should those reunification efforts fail?
8.Are you willing and prepared to advocate for the needs of your child within a public school system and get appropriate educational support?
9.If your adoptive child is of a different ethnicity than yourself and your partner, how will you create an environment where he or she is educated about and connected to his or her birth heritage?
10.Do your family and friends support your decision to move forward with foster care?
Before Choosing Surrogacy
1.Is a biological connection with your child important to you or your partner?
2.Do you have the financial means to pay for surrogacy and can you realistically afford it?
3.For males, will you or your partner be providing the sperm and if so, how will you decide who does? For females, will you or your partner be providing the egg and if so, how will you decide who does?
4.Do you prefer that the donor is someone you know or do you prefer that they remain anonymous?
5.If one of you has a biological connection to the child and the other does not, how will this impact the non-biological parent emotionally?
6.How much contact do you want with your surrogate during pregnancy?
7.If you find out there is a complication with the fetus during pregnancy, what will you do and are you and your partner on the same page about this? Make sure your surrogate is on the same page as well.
8.What role (if any) will the surrogate or donor have in your child’s life after birth?
9.What role (if any) will the extended family members of the surrogate or donor have in your child’s life?
10.How many children are you hoping to have and are you open to a twin or triplet pregnancy if permitted by the treating physician and agreed to by the surrogate?
Before Choosing Assisted Reproduction
1.Is a biological connection with your child important to you or your partner?
2.How important is it for you or your partner to have the experience of being pregnant?
3.Are you comfortable with the various medical tests and procedures that you will have to go through?
4.Which type of donor are you more comfortable with, a known donor or an unknown one?
5.If you choose a known donor, are you comfortable with the donor playing a role in the child’s life? Whatever your answer is to this question and no matter how much you trust the donor, always consult an attorney and make sure you understand the legal implications of your decision in the state where you live.
6.What offspring limits are you comfortable with? Each sperm bank will have its own policy on donor limits, so make sure you understand what they are. It could be the difference between your child having ten siblings or over one hundred!
7.What happens if your sperm donor fathers another child later in life?
8.Will you be using the eggs from one of you in the relationship or will you be using a donor’s eggs? If you decide to use your own eggs, how does this make your partner feel, knowing that you will be biologically related to the child while she will not be or vice versa?
9.Who will carry the baby?
10.How will you discuss donor insemination with your child?
Before Choosing Co-Parenting
1.If your co-parenting situation will involve more than two people, who will be providing the sperm and egg?
2.Will you be utilizing the services of a reproduction center or will you be using a DIY approach?
3.Have you taken into consideration that the person or people with whom you are going to co-parent may have extended family members who will want to be involved in the child’s life?
4.What will the living situation be for the child? Whom will he or she live with and when?
5.How will holidays work within your family structure?
6.Who will make major decisions for the child such as healthcare and schooling?
7.How will finances be handled? For example, will you all share financial responsibility for everything (medical, food, clothes,
education, school supplies, extracurricular activities, etc.) or will certain people be responsible for certain aspects?
8.How will you explain your co-parenting situation to your child and to other people?
9.What if one of the parents needs to move to a different city or state?
10.What happens if one of you violates the agreement? It is highly recommended that you consult with an attorney when creating a co-parenting agreement. This way everyone can be on the same page and there will be a clear understanding about what will happen if someone breaks the agreement.
Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood Page 25