Mom was about her business as usual this day—and on Saturdays that usually meant house work. Sad in retrospect to consider that our relationship had gone through the stages of mother-daughter, to symbiotic, her needing me to give her meaning and to relate to me like a sister rather than a daughter, and finally it had de-evolved to whatever this was—room mates sharing the same DNA. Closeness had died, if it really ever existed at all. I still held out some hope that this isn’t what all families had to be like—I had heard of those where there was light and love.
Nicole surprised me when she called as she had promised she would. She asked me how I was doing and I said I was feeling better. She seemed a bit less confident than she had been earlier that week, and it was difficult to keep the conversation flowing. Then she asked, with obvious timidity in her voice, “Do you still want to meet with me and go to the mall?” I said I’d love to go out today with her, and the enthusiasm in her voice seemed to grow as she said, “Great! I know we will have a great time! Please give me directions to your house and I’ll pick you up as soon as I can if that’s okay.” She appeared as anxious to get together as I was.
After I said goodbye to her I had to ask myself how someone who seemed to have such low self-confidence was successful at debate. Then I thought about how some people can have one persona in a particular situation, yet take on a different one in another—maybe that was her. I thought it might be fun to see what she was like and also maybe connect with someone. It might turn out to be in vain but why not give it a try? Deep down maybe I needed to have someone I could open up with on a more personal level, and for some reason I felt good “vibrations” when I had been with her in school.
When she drove up she just tapped her horn and stayed in the car. I yelled “Bye” to everyone and ran out the door. When I got into her car she smiled and thanked me for coming. I enthusiastically replied, “No problem! How’s everything with you?” to which she just gave me an, “It’s okay I guess” and smiled as we drove off. After a minute or so of her shyness I was getting a bit uncomfortable, and the day had not even really started. Maybe everyone has been in that awkward position of being in a car, one of the most confining places on earth it seems, and trying to be social with someone you don’t even know. I hoped things would improve as we neared our destination.
At the mall we decided, or should I say I decided, that we should walk around first and see if there was anything interesting enough to return to later. I tried to get things going with a complaint I suppose, “I can’t really say I like malls that much.” Then Nicole looked up a bit surprised and asked, “Really? Please explain why.” And at that point she had some energy in her voice. I answered, “I don’t know Nicole, it seems so artificial I guess—it’s like everyone turns into a bunch of lab rats in a plastic, glittery maze.”
Nicole seemed to perk up and she continued, “I think your analogy is right on. Like instead of a food pellet being given them as a reward, they are just conditioned to work and make money and then complete the program which is to buy things they generally don’t need. It’s really so pathetic you know.”
I replied, “That’s right! Most of the things are thrown out pretty soon anyway, or winds up cluttering the garage.” Now I thought I had an interesting conversation going after all—we were discussing consumerism like most teenage girls discuss makeup! She replied with enthusiasm, “Yeah, someone makes a product people don’t need, and a marketing person convinces people to trade their money for it and then they feel like they ‘belong’ or that they are unique, whatever the feeling of inadequacy they have. Then of course the fashion industry, for example, will tell them the clothes they have are out of style so they have to buy the new line. Sure makes for large landfills!”
“And unhappy people in the long run...” I eagerly concluded, as I pointed to some tired-looking girls our age, burdened down with shopping bags. We both were laughing and I noticed that Nicole seemed a bit less uneasy, as we quietly continued to mock other shoppers. Yet it now seemed that as we joked, and browsed through the mall, she was clinging to me. At one point I mentioned that I needed to buy something of a more personal nature, and when I suggested we meet back in just fifteen minutes by the bathrooms she seemed to get really nervous. It was as if I had asked a five year old to leave me alone, and that I’d meet back up with her later. She went from cheerful, but guarded, confidence when we were analyzing crowd psychology to absolute timidity again. I almost felt guilty for the original suggestion. Then she said in a frightened and shy manner, “I really don’t want to split up right now...don’t you enjoy being with me?” I thought, “Wow, this is weird.” Then I said we didn’t have to separate, and she seemed relieved and smiled again as she looked at me—in that odd vampire gaze I had seen before.
I thought to myself that I had known this girl for less than a week, but every time I saw her she had two really distinct personalities. When she wasn’t with Daniel she seemed anxious and disconnected, yet when he was on the scene she became a different person. As we did talk though she became a bit less reserved and appeared to be really smart—and seemed to be opening up around me as well. However, there was something I couldn’t quite analyze about Nicole. “Who was this girl?” I asked myself. I mean, she had everything going for her, she was attractive, smart, and in the right situation she must be a pretty good speaker since had mentioned she had won awards in debate the previous year. Yet after two hours at the mall I felt like a mother hen, with her not letting me out of her sight. I admit it was nice to be “needed” but still, this was a bit awkward.
She and I checked things out for a while longer—then we decided to go across the street for lunch. While we were there Nicole wasn’t all that talkative, which made me wonder if I would be the one making all the conversation efforts for the rest of the day. Then she asked what I’d like to do in the evening and said, “I don’t have anything special planned, and I’d love to spend more time with you Melanie.” To that I said I’d be open to something fun and asked what she had in mind.
She suggested we go over to the video store across the street and get a few good movies. I said I would be open to that and I asked if Daniel would later meet up with us. Nicole responded, “Not tonight, he had something he had to do and he’ll be really tired when he gets back this evening…so it’s okay to watch films at your house, isn’t it?”
I thought a moment and mentioned, “Well, my TV and stuff isn’t set up yet so…” She interrupted in an excited manner, “Hey, that’s okay…I will help you with anything you need and we can get some food and have a great evening together—so let’s go for it! By the way Melanie, I really like hanging out with you and I think we can have a great time this evening. I’m sure we’ll have lots of fun.”
I was surprised by the sudden assertiveness in her tone. It was a bit refreshing after a morning of timidity from her. I then asked her about where she lived and she evaded the question. That sparked my curiosity but then again, maybe there was nothing to it—many teenagers hate to show their families off to their friends. I wasn’t all that excited about hanging out with Mom and Gerald but at least they could be alone today, and if we were lucky they would go out this evening. I could always hope, and besides for some reason I didn’t feel like arguing about where we should be that evening.
When we went inside the store she all of a sudden changed her mannerisms, and even posture, and displayed the characteristics of a different person than she had at the mall. She asked, in a somewhat expectant way, if I liked thriller-type movies. “What do you have in mind?” I replied. Then she took me over to the horror section which had a sub-category entitled “Horror/Alternative/Cult Favorites.” I thought to myself, “Okay; this is interesting.” I had to admit that I had a certain fascination with this genre, but only occasionally had the opportunity to catch films on TV late at night—I wasn’t into rentals that much.
“I just turned 18 we can rent anything from here.” Nicole said gleefully. It did surprise
me what types of films she was attracted to—the kind most people had never heard of…low budget and high in gore. The “stars” were actors and actresses nobody ever heard of besides the connoisseurs of these films on the fringe of movie culture; probably only having the acting skills of a porn star, except they didn’t have to take their clothes off—at least not for sex scenes.
The first film she handed me for consideration had a caption depicting a woman who was nude and bloody and was being prepared, it seemed, for being roasted alive. “This one looks cool, huh?” Nicole commented, a wicked smile appearing as she seemed to look me over for a reaction. “I suppose, I mean I guess it would be interesting to watch, maybe even for a good laugh if nothing else.” I replied with a sarcastic, but approving, laugh.
She smiled and said we would get it, as well as one other she had said looked, “pretty good.” Nicole took the films and then said it was time to get some snacks and head over to my house—no presumption of asking, just deciding, which I was finding irritable in another way than earlier. However, I didn’t say anything since I now found her interesting and didn’t want to get her ticked off at that point.
When we arrived at my house we found nobody was there. Nicole then started asking questions like “So, do you have any brothers or sisters...do you and your parents get along...and, what do they do for a living?” I really did not like those questions, I have always been quite secretive with my personal life, but I decided to be cooperative and gave her brief responses. She must have come to the conclusion that I have a pretty boring family life, and that was why I looked forward to graduating and going off to university so much.
When I asked her about her family she became really timid again—she almost seemed frightened to tell me anything. Was it fear or some sort of shame I asked myself? Was her family poor and living in a shack—is that why she was hesitant to take me to her house?
Then she opened up, “I have a couple of older brothers who I see occasionally but one is in his mid-40s and the other almost 40 and living their lives clear across the country.” She told me that in a rather distant, monotone, fashion looking away from me the entire time. “What about your parents?” I asked. She continued in her almost detached manner “Okay, my parents are a bit older than average…my father was in his 40s when he married my mother who was 20 years younger. They had my brothers and did not intend on any more kids. Then when my mom was in her mid 40s I came along.” I then commented that her dad would then be in his 80s now to which she confirmed. “So how do people in your family get along?” I inquired.
Nicole replied, “Well, my dad has always been a couch potato and a big eater, so he developed diabetes when I was little. Then he didn’t take his medication, or change his habits much, until he had to have his foot removed. Now he is a really bitter man and totally unpleasant towards me, my mom and Daniel.”
Now I began to understand why she didn’t want to take me to her home. I tried to let her know that what mattered was her, not her family situation—I even gave her a little hug thinking that would make her feel better. We talked a while about our family lives and I even opened up about my feelings towards my father. It wasn’t really his leaving (knowing my mom, I had to admit it would be courageous not to) but not making an effort to form a bond with me, his only real child—that really bugged me. It was strange, we spent hours talking about topics I had been unwilling to share with others for all these years; and she, she was talkative, personal yet still looking at me as if to size me up as well as seeming to hold back something that was important to her—at least that was what I was feeling.
Sometime after we had grabbed some leftover chicken and potatoes from the frig, Mom and Gerald came home. So after the expected polite greetings and introduction we went off to my room to get things set up and watch movies. It was still messy but we sat the TV up and I moved things off the bed so we had a place to sit.
The mood was now more playful it seemed—after our long and serious talk. Nicole turned on the first movie and immediately I thought about just how bad the quality of the filming was. It didn’t take long for the gore to begin—I don’t know, I guess that is the standard plot of these shows…a group of college kids go camping, get captured by a couple of psychotic inbreeds who then proceed to rape, torture, and dismember their victims. Of course they did not forget to feature the stripping and preparation of the hapless sorority girl for their dinner—as the caption on the cover had previewed.
Nicole seemed amused by the film. She even joked that you couldn’t cook someone like that whole since, when you barbecue a deer or a pig, you have to gut and bleed it. That kind of surprised me she would say that. And yet she seemed impressed that it didn’t phase me in the least. Then we actually started joking about the scene as well as discussing these types of films in general.
I asked, “Why does it seem that these movies, and even more mainstream films, always depict the same victims? What is the American public’s fascination with watching young people get killed?” Nicole laughed and put down the bowl of chips in her hand to reply, “I think it’s what Mark...you know, Mr. Lindberg…said the other day. People have these thoughts in their sub conscious that they repress and don’t dare speak about. They have feelings of sexual attraction and violence every day yet bury the urges. The films allow a release of those taboo thoughts.”
I replied, “So what you are saying is that rather than identify with the victims many of us are secretly identifying with the killers, yet don’t dare admit it to ourselves?” Nicole didn’t even hesitate, “Absolutely my dear…but for the good of the human race films are about as far as we take it! Sure, everyone fantasizes about horrible things but, at least as violence goes, 99.9% never act on these urges whether they recognize them or live in denial.”
One thing I had to ask her then, “Nicole, doesn’t it seem ironic, or bad, that these plots generally involve the depiction of young, healthy and intelligent students getting massacred by sub-human degenerates? I mean…” I hesitated at this point, I don’t know if I was trying to provoke Nicole in some way or just release some pent up frustrations about this sort of entertainment message. However, I had noticed that Nicole eyes were wide open and her pupils dilated to the max, even though my room was well lit. I had never seen her so energized.
I continued, “ I mean what’s bad about these films is that the lowlifes seem to win out a lot…maybe it’s a metaphor speaking to our collective sub consciousness about what society is like today. Perhaps it would be better to show smart people winning out in the end and eliminating the degenerates from society.”
When I said that Nicole smiled and seemed really pleased! She said something about society maybe feeling some sort of catharsis, seeing people with everything getting punished in a sadistic manner, just for having what they don’t have—a pretty girlfriend or being popular in school. Then she asked, “So a movie showing a person killing degenerates—and getting away with it—would be to your liking?”
At this point I remember the gaze that Nicole was giving me. I asked myself if perhaps I might freak her out, but I opted not to try to hide my feelings. I nodded and said “absolutely” and waited for her reply. In a somewhat flirtatious tone she responded “Melanie, you are just so bloodthirsty…but there’s nothing wrong with that.” She continued, “You know, I saw a movie a while ago about some guy who goes out and starts ridding his town of criminals and degenerates. Maybe you’d like the movie—a film that in the end the killer with noble motivations is able to survive so that you know there will be a sequel?”
I will never forget the odd analytical look in her eyes as our exercise in values and desires began to seem like her attempting to psychoanalyze me deeper than perhaps I should allow her to. And why, all the sudden, had our conversation turned to vigilante killing? True, it seemed in her character but…
I commented, “I would probably like something like that…I mean…it would at least be interesting depending on the message it tried to
send.” At that point I tried to deflect the conversation onto someone else besides my inner psyche. “So does Daniel share your taste in films? Would he like this sort of plot too?” Nicole responded, “Yeah, I can almost guarantee it. And who else do you think would like such entertainment?”
I was a bit confused here. She laughed and grabbed my hand in an excited manner, “Oh come on... I’ll bet you won’t get it right in a million years. You met the person this week” I shrugged my shoulders and continued, “Really, no clue.” Yet I sort of thought I might know the answer. Nicole then blurted out, “Mark Lindberg! I mean, he’s not only into fun movies; he’d really enjoy this topic—probably talk about it for hours if you let him.”
I replied, Oh really?” and asked in a sort of rhetorical way since I had suspected someone like him would enjoy the more out-of-the-ordinary sort of things. I commented, “So I suppose that’s not really a surprise. Aren’t most people really into psychology a bit eccentric after all?” Nicole seemed to find that amusing and laughed as she fell back onto the bed—still gazing at me but now seeming more relaxed and even playful.
She rocked back and forth and toyed with me, like a little girl telling you she had a secret, but teasing you with only scant details, “You might really be surprised just how ‘eccentric’ Mark really is. Hey, you know Daniel and I are going to spend some time over at Mark’s house next Saturday…you wanna join us?”
I thought it was unusual…I mean here she was again referring to her teacher on a first-name basis but now she was asking if I wanted to hang out with him socially. However, unusual in my mind as it sounded, I told her I’d be glad to join. I did think to myself that jocks and their coaches seemed to be on a friendly basis with each other—then why not the smart students? I enthusiastically replied, “Sure thing Nicole! It might be interesting…let me check my social calendar…yep, I’m free!” We both laughed. At that point I got up to get some more chips and Nicole and I watched the other gore film until 3 in the morning. All in all it was an interesting and fun day and evening! I offered Nicole the chance to stay overnight but she said she had things to do with Daniel the next day, and that if she stayed over we would probably be up ‘till noon talking. That idea didn’t cause me any discomfort, but I didn’t argue—too much.
Melanie's Journey Page 4