‘I cheated,’ he added bluntly. ‘Just like him.’
And the fallout had sent him on a spiralling path of excess and oblivion—pointedly different to his dad’s secrecy. Ash had been boldly, openly provocative. He’d developed his own code.
But Merle didn’t flinch. She merely nodded, almost matter-of-factly. ‘That girl—when you were young.’
It hadn’t been a matter-of-fact mistake. ‘Her name was Rose Gold.’
At a muffled sound from Merle he grinned ruefully. ‘Yeah. Trust me, no one hates that more than she does.’
‘But you were at school.’
‘She came to my boarding school, yes.’
‘So this was a youthful, schoolboy mistake. Secondary school,’ she reiterated.
But it had been no minor indiscretion and the awful repercussions had been permanent. Merle still gazed up at him, clearly waiting, and, as much as he regretted starting this, the anger within made him continue. She needed to know what he’d done.
‘It wasn’t teenage foolishness, it was massive. Rose was in the year below mine but she was even younger. One of those super-smart kids, she’d been accelerated up. Apparently we’d already met because she was the daughter of one of my mother’s friends, but honestly I didn’t remember her. Mum asked me to be kind, ensure she was included. She was shy. I think she’d been unwell or something.’ He sighed. ‘She was pretty nerdy. A society princess but shy at that point.’ He paused and frowned as he realised Merle’s skin had pinkened.
‘Come on,’ he muttered. ‘We should get out of the sun. It’s burning at this time of day.’
But Merle resisted. ‘Tell me what happened.’
‘I will, when you’re in the shade.’
Merle walked ahead of him again but once she’d passed the pool she turned and blocked his way into the house.
‘Okay, I’m in the shade. Tell me the rest.’
Ash grimaced. ‘I became her champion, I guess. I didn’t think anything of it. People assumed we were dating because I’d sought her out and she hadn’t said anything to the contrary. It amused me to see her popularity rise. I didn’t take it too seriously. I didn’t think she had either. We weren’t exactly physical—I thought we were more friends. But she was flattered, I guess.’
‘I bet she...’ Merle mumbled. ‘I bet she had a massive crush on you.’
‘I only asked her to go to that damn dance because Mum asked me to. To make sure she had a good time. But I...’
‘What happened at the dance?’
He shifted on his feet, obviously uncomfortable. ‘I got filmed with another girl.’
‘Filmed? Oh...’ Merle’s gaze slid from his.
‘Two girls, actually,’ he confessed angrily. ‘I got stood down from school for misconduct. Never went back. Got summoned here. Mum was more furious than I’d ever seen her. How could I have done that to Rose? She tore strips off me. “You’re just like him.” Direct quote.’
‘Ash—’
‘The thing was, I’d not known. About Dad, I mean. I didn’t know any of it until that afternoon. I’d never seen Mum so agitated. She cried about things that didn’t make sense. Later, I asked her what she’d meant but she’d calmed down and shut me out and wouldn’t say. She sent me away. Back to Sydney. To Dad. And I found out the truth.’
The lies. The cheating. The absolute betrayal.
‘Do you know what he did?’ He looked at Merle.
Merle tried to stay calm, but every muscle had tensed. She was still reconciling what he’d told her about that girl, Rose. A shy, quiet girl whom he’d humiliated so publicly. But this about his father was going to be bad too. No son had such a visceral reaction to the mere mention of his father without serious reason.
‘Leo Castle isn’t my only half-sibling,’ Ash said harshly. ‘It wasn’t just that Dad was a serial cheater and lazy when it came to contraception. He was a risk-taker who didn’t think he’d ever get caught.’ He flinched at his inward recollections. ‘It turned out he’d also seduced my aunt. Mum’s younger sister. So my cousin Grace is actually my half-sister. That’s why she was so angry with me for turning out just like him, despite her efforts.’
‘But you’re not like him.’
‘No? Not selfish? Not arrogant? Not a cheater?’ He shook his head. ‘I never saw Mum again,’ he muttered. ‘She died less than a week after she’d sent me back in disgrace.’
The deeply etched pain in his voice scraped Merle’s nerves.
‘I literally broke her heart.’
Merle ached for the horror and guilt he felt. ‘I think your father might’ve already done that, Ash.’
His eyes widened and for a moment he froze. ‘But I ripped it right through,’ he said hoarsely. ‘I was the one thing she believed in. I let her down. And she died.’
‘Ash—’
‘I’d had no idea he was unfaithful at all, let alone so completely,’ he said hurriedly. ‘It’s embarrassing when with adult hindsight it’s so bloody obvious. I had to find out what she’d meant. I confronted him when I got there. He didn’t even try to deny it. He was more interested in the details of what had happened with those girls in the bathroom at the dance. He actually congratulated me. He said I needed to work on my discretion, but he was proud. That’s when I realised what he was like. I searched online and found a reference to Leo in an old newspaper. I tracked him down and offered to do the DNA test for him to prove our dad’s paternity.’ Ash’s smile was both satisfied and sad. ‘My father never forgave me for that. He was so angry, he admitted the truth about Grace with vindictive pleasure. He said I couldn’t escape who I was—his son. With his flaws. His predilections. And he was right. I’d already proved that. So I acted out, with no discretion at all.’
‘It was one mistake, Ash.’
He shook his head. ‘I was careless and selfish and went for what I wanted then and there.’
‘But you learned from it. You said you’ve never cheated since.’
‘I’ve never had a relationship since.’
‘To be honest, it doesn’t sound like it was much of a relationship with Rose.’
He paused. ‘No. We never even slept together but it meant more to her. I think I knew that and I didn’t want it and I took the coward’s way out to end it. I broke her trust and I humiliated her.’
Merle felt a horrible affinity for the girl. She could understand how easy it would be to fall—to imagine there might be more—when Ash Castle had his full attention on you. ‘Where’s Rose now?’
‘Still at university, I think. An academic. Very good at...her subject.’
Merle smiled a little sadly, feeling for Rose. ‘You don’t know what it is, do you?’
‘She’s not spoken to me since and I don’t blame her.’ He winced. ‘People had phones everywhere... I just didn’t want...’
‘To say it to her face?’ she guessed.
‘It was like I’d kicked a kitten.’ He rubbed his face.
Merle could imagine all too well how mortified poor Rose must have been. Then Ash had been sent away from the school. It would’ve been horrendous to have been left there with everyone in her class knowing. And she would have had such a crush. It was impossible not to crush on Ash Castle.
But, while he’d made a mistake, Ash’s world had been obliterated. He’d disappointed the one person who mattered to him most. He’d discovered appalling, devastating truths. He’d have felt such shame for his father. And in turn himself.
‘You didn’t get to see your mother again?’ she asked softly.
He stood very still, not looking at her, not seeming to see anything but the bitter memories lodged inside. ‘We didn’t even speak on the phone. I was angry because I felt guilty. Angry because I was shocked. Everything had been a lie. Her husband had an affair with her own sister. Can you imagine the betrayal?’ He closed his
eyes briefly. ‘And it happened when they both knew she was unwell. That was why I’m the only child. The only one she could have and I...’ He pushed out a heavy sigh. ‘Hell, no wonder Grace never holidayed with us here.’ He glared at the pool and then turned that tortured gaze back on Merle. ‘Why didn’t she leave him? Why did she stay and put up with that for so long?’
She understood why he asked. Ash hadn’t stayed. He’d been so hurt, felt such guilt, he’d rejected his father totally. But his anguish and the questioning of his mother’s hard choices were ultimately unanswerable. Merle could only guess, only imagine.
‘Maybe she didn’t have the strength,’ she suggested gently. ‘Maybe the battle for her health was the only one she had the energy to fight.’
He didn’t reply for a long time.
‘What was she like?’ Merle asked.
‘When she had the energy, she was so much fun.’ His expression fell again. ‘And I devastated her. I broke her heart.’
‘But you didn’t kill her, Ash,’ Merle said softly. ‘She’d been unwell a long time, right?’
His nod was jerky.
‘And you weren’t much more than a kid yourself. Packed off to boarding school. Isolated from your parents through a very sad time. Burdened with a ton of external expectation and no real support to help you cope. I’m not surprised you sought a way out—however you could—especially at that age, when everything’s overwhelming. You were so alone.’
‘Don’t feel sorry for me, Merle. I don’t deserve it.’
She disagreed. He was beating himself up over something that had happened a long time ago. A series of events had morphed together into a tangle from which he’d drawn conclusions that weren’t necessarily true. She could understand how he had when such deep, devastated emotions were at play. That was because of the person Ash was. And that was the point.
‘You’re different from your father,’ she said urgently, aching for him to believe her. But she saw his instant negation. ‘You are—’
‘Some things can’t be changed,’ he interrupted bitterly. ‘I am who I am.’
‘Workaholic, fiery, full of energy and independence,’ she said. ‘And you try to hide it, but you’re a man who cares.’
He turned a burning gaze on her but she held it defiantly, daring him to deny it.
‘I don’t believe you want to give this place up, Ash.’
‘I can’t keep it like this.’ He glanced across at the lawn again. ‘He destroyed everything she built.’
‘Then rebuild it. No one says you can’t do what you want with it. Things can change, Ash. People can too.’
‘Eternally optimistic, aren’t you?’ But his small smile didn’t reach his eyes.
‘I don’t see that as a negative.’ She put her hand on his arm, hoping to somehow get him to believe her. ‘Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone screws up. Everyone hurts someone—intentionally or not. That’s part of being human,’ she said. ‘Maybe the trick isn’t to try to erase it, or even to ease it, but just to accept that it happened. That it’s there. So there’s a little weight you carry and maybe you’ll always have it, but that’s okay.’ Beneath her hand, she felt his tension. ‘Because you’d do things differently now, right?’ she said softly. ‘Facing the same situation now, you wouldn’t do that again.’
‘Of course not.’
‘So—’ she smiled ‘—you’ve learned something. It’s just very sad you didn’t get to see your mother again so she could see that too. And it’s sad your father took everything of hers away. I’m so sorry he did that.’
Ash looked directly at her again. She saw pain in his amber eyes. And tiredness.
‘Thanks, Merle.’ A gruff whisper of appreciation.
Yet Merle felt as if he was slipping away from her. That her words hadn’t comforted him at all—they’d been futile. Like seeds scattered on hardened, dry land.
He stepped away. ‘I think I need a swim.’
She watched him walk away, feeling oddly bereft. This morning she’d dressed in the scarlet jumpsuit she’d worn last night. Partly because the silk felt heavenly against her sensitive skin but mostly because she hadn’t wanted her fairy-tale night to be over yet. But the heat of the day had built and now the sunlight was harsh. He’d been right. It had been seconds away from burning her skin. And what he’d told her lingered. The parallels she felt with Rose made her wince. How easy it would’ve been to wish there might be more meaning in Ash’s actions. He’d have been spellbinding, a force of nature even then, with that ferocity of intent. But she also knew how easy it was to misinterpret someone’s intentions. And he’d certainly learned from the resultant horror. He didn’t let any woman get the wrong impression now. Not relationships. Only sex. And in business he’d been driven to succeed on a scale impossible to most people, desperate to build something bigger and better than his father.
Her heart ached for him as she showered and dressed. He was still swimming length after length, so she didn’t interrupt him. She sensed he needed time to clear his head. So she went in search of a displacement activity of her own.
It was another two hours till he came in. He was back in his shorts, a white tee skimming his broad chest. Her heart bumped against her ribcage.
‘What have you been up to?’ He didn’t quite meet her gaze.
She didn’t want things to be awkward, so she tried to keep it light as she surveyed the mess she’d made in the kitchen. ‘I cooked dinner. Elevated instant noodles.’
He shot her a glance. To her relief the old smile flickered in his eyes. ‘Elevated? They’re still instant noodles.’
‘Are you not prepared to give them a chance?’ she asked primly.
‘I’ll try them. For you.’
The merest hint of his old flirt lifted a bubble of hope in her. She set dinner out on the table of one of the smaller dining nooks, still with a stunning view across the bay, and opened another bottle of champagne.
‘Champagne with noodles?’ he queried.
‘The perfect accompaniment.’
‘And is that lobster tail I see in there?’ He stirred the contents of his steaming bowl with a fork and began to laugh.
‘Elevated, as I said.’ She grinned impishly at him. ‘Isn’t it amazing how satisfying something can be, even when it’s pulled together from sparse ingredients?’
He shot her a look across the table. ‘I don’t think we can consider lobster sparse.’
‘Still full of flavour and delicious. Still satisfying.’ She wilfully ignored his interruption. ‘And yet it can still leave you wanting more.’
His lips twitched and she finally saw him fully relax with a long sigh. ‘Oh, Merle. I definitely want more.’
CHAPTER ELEVEN
MERLE WALKED THROUGH the eerily quiet house. It was stupid but she was almost afraid to call out to him—afraid there would be no reply. So she crept quietly, slowly searching each space, hoping to find him. Fearing she wouldn’t. While ‘playful’ Ash had reappeared last night at dinner, by the time they’d gone to bed he’d fallen silent. But he hadn’t slept. He’d turned to her—touched her, taken her with a wordless, gentle intimacy that had been different yet again. The tender intensity had devastated her, yet she’d held him too—feeling the emotions humming within him. It hadn’t been a fiercely passionate escape into the physical. It had been deeper than that—there’d been no escape from the emotion, there’d been a silent exposition of it. Of need. Of wonder. Of connectedness. And she’d loved it. Loved him. Until she’d finally fallen asleep, still holding him close.
But when she’d woken only five minutes ago, he was already gone. She’d touched his pillow, and there was no residual warmth. No sleeping in for a second time for Ash.
She glanced out from the balcony but the water in the pool was still. The bay in the distance was a pure landscape, no human or other animal giving movemen
t to the picture-perfect landscape. She walked through to the kitchen but it was empty. It felt like the whole place was oddly untouched. A horrible premonition ate away her security. Had he left already? Without even saying goodbye?
Anxiety shot nausea to the back of her throat. Because she knew now—this wasn’t some light affair for her. Not some fun ‘experience’ that she might go on to have again with some other guy. There’d never be another guy. Not like Ash. What she felt for him? It was immense and overwhelming and so wonderful that it terrified her.
But he didn’t want it, did he? She fervently, desperately wished he did or would. She needed more time with him. They needed so much more time. So where was he now?
She checked the pool again. The study. For a moment she wondered about the bunker, but then she heard a sound in the distance. Walking around the side of the house, she saw one of the garage doors open.
‘Ash?’ She blinked, her eyes adjusting to the change from the bright morning sunlight to the dim interior. There were towers of boxes she’d yet to open and categorise. But Ash had ripped open several and was standing in the centre of a pile of stuff.
‘What are you doing?’ she asked.
He glanced up at her grimly. The emotion that he usually kept so deeply buried was now glinting sharply in his eyes. This place dredged it up. Increasingly over this last week memories had risen until he’d been so bothered, he’d been devastatingly honest with her. He’d revealed that wellspring of pain—the mistake he’d made that had unleashed the truth of his parents’ marriage and what he feared had hastened his mother’s death. Merle had hoped that, just by listening, she might’ve helped. But now? She didn’t think she had. A trouble shared wasn’t always a trouble halved. It was still just a trouble.
Stranded For One Scandalous Week (Mills & Boon Modern) (Rebels, Brothers, Billionaires Book 1) Page 14